I posted this on the divorce board....<p>As of today...12/03/01... I have only talked with him once and it was kind os business like...re... the kids.....<p>I'll take any and all opinions.<p>Yes... if I ever get a tatoo... that will be it.<p>STUPID.... I'm thinking... right across my forehead !!
My ex called the other morning/night... Wednesay/thursday at 0130 in the morning!!! we talked for 3 hours..until 0450 in the am...<p>Here's what happen....<p>Wednesday evening, my younget son (16) is going to a hockey game with my ex-h. I leave to go to church (no reason sitting home getting sad/angry)
I meet with a male friend of mine... we decide to go to the late show..10 pm..... I try calling home of course to see if son is home/to let him know where I am and to see if other women is in town.... NO answer at home... so I get home aroung 1215 am or so and and of course, question my son.... just guys went to the game... so, I just "putz" around the house... play on the computer and yes check out MB.... So, I start getting ready for bed and the phone rings... here I'm thinking that it's one of my female friends (her H left hert about the sametime mine left me ... yes for another women and to drink and smoke pot... he was a deacon in the church... and has been calling and crying to her) ANYWAY... I pick up the phone and give a "chipper" hello... and its my ex-h....That totally shocked me....<p>He starts to mention "the van" in front of the house and "the guy"...(we took my car to the show) Then he starts to cry...
he asked me what HE did that didn't make ME happy... well I start talking and then crying....
....I tell him that he did make me happy... I'm jsut sorry he didn't know it.... It was a conversation that went all over the place... he cried at different times in the conversation...... he said he will always love me and miss me...of course I had to say... I know you love me... but not in love with me... of course no response from him. he said he wasn't sure if he was in a MLC and that he didn't even know what one was...he said twice that... "heck, we could get back together in 5 years, 5 months,5 weeks, or even 5 days.... I was silent.... he said he hurt with the thought that I hated him... I of course told him I didn't hate him... but yes, there are times when I'm very angry. I told him that I deal with alot of different emotions....all part of the process... I told him I'm in counseling .... he still doesn't believe in the books or counseling.<p>One of the things I got out of the conversation is that... he feels out of the loop... doesn't know what the kids are up to... to my sis in-law fighting for her life with ovarian cancer....<p>We talked about how all the years we spent together are gone...he said that when people ask him "what happen... after all those years" he said he tells them..."we both made mistakes" well..... I told him I wished he would have communicated more with me if he felt unappreciated.... I told him I always appreciated him... I regret that this happen and if I would have known...and that he had gone to OW and stated that he was unhappy in his marriage...and maybe, things maybe different. He told me he "had" to file for the divorce... he said he was sitting on the fence and that he felt that he could no longer drag me along... he felt he needed to do something... so he filed... I told him at our mediation when the lawyers asked if this marriage could be reconciled.... I waited for him to give his answer first... he said no... so then I shook my head no.....I was taking his word that he was done....<p>This conversation, went all over the place.... from him saying he misses talking to me to him saying that he has someone who loves him (ow). I asked him in the middle of the conversation why he was calling and he stated..."you know, the van.... I never thought that feelings could control me like this"...He asked me if this guy was nice.... I told him yes he's nice... but I'm not ready for commitments..... I have healing to do and that I don't know if I ever want to marry again... I'm toooo afraid of being hurt again. He told me I have to be positive and be thankful... I told him I have many things to be thankful for... I know that... but I'm in the healing stage. he told me that he was "very lucky...lucky...lucky...."( boy that hurt me... don't want to hear that !!!)<p>I told him I loved him too.... I told him who I thought he was... not the alien I've gotten know... once again he started to cry stating he was the same person. I told him things I missed about him and that I long for those times. <p>When the conversation ended... there was alot of silence.. neither of us said the I love you thing.... I have to admit I was very scared to do that... because I think he loves me one way, and I love him another.....<p>We talked about many things....our home thats up for sale to maybe refinancing the house. He asked me where I'll be moving to and said heck... I'd move in next door to you... I said NO.... and he said ... I know !! and we both laughed...<p>so, I haven't heard from him since.....he was to spend thatnksgiving with another male friend of his....... and he came early to pick up my son on thanksgiving... so you know what.... The Van Was There Again !.... I didn't plan this at all....I felt bad for him.... with the van there and all.<p>A couple of the things I mentioned....
That 25 years ago, on thanksgiving ... he gave me his class ring... that we grew up together and had a future planned that we always worked toward our goals together..... and now, things have changed. That he was my best-friend....etc...etc....BASICALLY...I filet myself open...yes... once again to be hurt/hopeful and reading into every word he said.<p>I haven't heard a word from him since....so I sit here wondering... was he drinking..... was he... was he... was he.........what did he mean... what did he mean.....etc... etc...<p>Also..... I sit here waiting for the phone to ring...etc...etc....<p>BTW... his other women lives overseas..... last known meeting was in both July and August.... when he had her stay in our home.... YUCK !!!!<p>As you can tell by my dis-jointed post... that is the way the conversation went and that is how my mind is functioning now.....<p>so.... Just call me stupid......<p>scoick<p>--------------------<p>I'm BS
Married 19 years
Together 23 years
Dday 10/21/99
H moved out 6/03/00
H filed for D 9/22/00
Divorce Final 4/11/01
2 Kids 19&16
