I hope someone can help me to cope. I placed a post called "compulsive lying husband" under other topics; someone suggested I place one here. <p>To get details see my other post, but to make a long story halfway short. My husband had been having an affair. I have since found out he has lied to me about most of his past to include things he has done etc... He has spent most of our marriage "looking for an affair" There have been very few things my husband hasn't lied about. <p>My husband has ended the affair. I am sure he has had no contact with her. He didn't love her, he did it (well the story this week), he wasn't sure we would work out, because no other relationship has, and he thought I might like the idea and ask if she could "join us". Yeah right!!!<p>I love my husband, and I do want to work us out. He swares to me he'll never do this again, because he dosen't want to hurt me any more. We have been going to counceling (with a really good counselor). <p>I guess my questions are: How do I know that my husband is sincere, and really wants to work this out, or just lying to me again until I "get over this"? How am I suppose to ever trust him again? How do I "get over this? I am constantly obsessing about what he did. Although I know I am not suppose to (according to Dr. Harley), I am constantly angry with him, and yell at him. Is there anyone out there who has been through this and worked it out? Does anyone have any advice for me?<p>Info: 27 year old female
husband 30
Married on October 11, 2000
My second marriage, his third
Affair started September 11, 2001
Baby born September 24, 2001
Affair ended October 28, 2001
Last lie December 2, 2001<p>Although he is still occationally lying to me, they are few and far between and he fesses up when I catch him.

J,<p>I can't help but I just wanted to say my H also had a PA 3 weeks before my due date. My baby is now 8 months old, and we are doing a bit better.<p>How are you doing? Any depression? I sunk into SERIOUS Depression, and went on zoloft.

Dear Jenifer,<p>I`m was a pregenat BS too, also a couple of weeks before I was due. I am 16 months into recovery now. I am also married to a compulsive liar. <p>My marriage is slowly getting better. The best advice I can give you when it comes to dealing with a liar is to believe nothing that they say, you will drive yourself insane trying to sort fact from fiction.<p>The only way you will be able to discern if he is sincere or not is by his actions. The lies may continue for a while but the lies may be his cockeyed attempt at keeping the marriage together. He does not feel secure enough with you at this point to come clean. This will take awhile. He feeling of security and your feelings of trust will not happen overnight. <p>Do not listen to what he says, take your cues from what he does. Is he trying to meet all of your EN`s? Is he accountable for his whereabout at all times. Those are the things you should be paying attention to right now. The rest will come in time.

What Daisy said!<p>My H stopped (for the most part) lying to me 3 years ago and I am still always suspicious that he's not telling the truth. Part of that is his fault for doing it in the first place and I guess part mine for not being able to forget it and trust him again. But I keep thinking about that old saying "fool me once, shame on you--fool me twice, shame on me." Guess I really just hate the idea of being fooled again.<p>I think all you can do is like Daisy said...be willing to believe him on a day to day basis---his actions will bear out whether he is being honest or not.

I know what you are saying, I don't believe anything he says to me. As I am sitting here I suspect another lie. I am waiting for him to come home so I can confront him. What kind of marriage is it where I have to babysit his every move? I have 5 kids to take care of, I don't have the energy to watch his every move. What kind of marriage is it where I can't believe him? Sometimes I wish I could wake up from this nightmare and have my husband back. I know that will never happen, my husband doesn't exist, he was a lie. Everything about him was a lie. I don't know who this man is. All I know is the man I married, or thought I married, would never do this to me. He made a fool out of me, a joke out of me, and made me look bad to his friends. I have a hard time telling people about this, because it makes him look bad, and this at least is the truth. Sometimes I wonder if I'd be better off without him, but I keep hoping he is finally trying to change. All I know is I can't take many more lies.

Dear Jenifer,<p>You shouldn`t have to be babysitting your H. He should be telling you of his own accord where he is and what he is doing all the time. If he`s not, I would rethink this whole thing.<p>The tact I took for a long time was not to ask my H questions that I knew I wasn`t going to get a straight answer too. You can ask questions from time to time but choose your moments. Your H should be feeling good, you have just spent some quality time together and he`s happy with the couple at the moment. You have to be careful how you do this. You don`t want to grill him, you want him to understand that these are things you need to know in order to feel closer to him and understand what went wrong so it doesn`t happen again. Be very happy when he answers your questions even if he tells you things that are painful. Don`t go ballisitc. <p>Is he doing things now to make you happy? If he is and he is letting you know where he is at all times then I think his efforts are serious. As for the lies, you do understand that he is lying because he knows what he has done is wrong and that if you knew the full extent of it all he`s afraid that you will leave him. Show him that you are strong enough to hear the truth and still want to fix the marriage. Once he understands this he will be more forthcoming. You will not get the truth all in one shot, it is going to come in dribs and drabs. We are 16 months into this and I am still finding out new things but I can accept them because my H is proving by his actions that he is serious about fixing the marriage. I have made it clear to my H that I understand that he may still be lying about certain things related to his A and that that is okay with me. What I will not tolerate though is any new lies, lies about what he is doing in his life right now. Eventually I will get the whole truth and so I am being patient.

Daisy37-<p>He does try to make me happy, but it seems he gets angry if I ask him a question and catch him lying, or if I don't immediately kiss his feet with thank-yous for every nice thing he does. I try to thank him, but one time I waited over one minute and he started yelling at me because "you never appriciate it". Well you can guess how that one ended. Last night I caught him in another lie, and he went bezerk.<p>I don't know what to do. I just wish he could start being nicer to me. He threatened twice yesterday to leave me. He also loves to bring up every thing I have ever done wrong. It is almost like he is trying to justify what he did. I realize I am not perfect, but I didn't deserve to be cheated on either. And no matter what I've done, I never cheated on him.<p>I guess only time will tell if he is sincere or not. I am just so afraid to "love him again" and get my heart broke.

Dear Jenfier,<p>Have you ever heard the term passive/agressive? My H is one, he`s also a conflict avoidance liar. It sound to me like you might be dealing with the same thing. <p>I am going to post you a link to passive/agressive. Look through the material and see if it rings a bell. <p>You can learn how to deal with it.

Here`s the link. If it doesn`t work, let me know.
http://www.passiveaggressive.homestead.com/PATraits.html<p>[ December 07, 2001: Message edited by: Daisy37 ]</p>

Daisy37-<p>Just wanted to let you know that link was very helpful. I described my husband perfectly. I never knew my husband had a problem. Before all of this happened I thought he was just a nice guy. While this was happening and after I thought he turned into a jerk. Now I know the whole time he was just manupilating me. Now I know why he threatens to "leave" every time we get into a fight. Now at least I have some tool to identify when he is doing it and how to stop it.<p>Also to let every one know things are getting slowly better. We had a fight last night, the first one since Tuesday!!! I think four days without a fight is a miracle for us. We haven't had a fight today at all. We have been fighting almost daily. And most importantly, he has been pretty (not 100% but close) honest with me. I am slowly starting to trust him again.<p>I would also like to thank the ladies who wrote me to say their husbands were having affairs during thier pregancies. One was 8 months ago, the other 16 months. Both were very encouraging to hear of someone who is making it work. Everyone I know who has gone through this ended up divorced. Please let me know if anyone has any more words of encouragement.<p>thanks again, and please keep writing!

Dear Jenifer,<p>My H is still pulling the passive/aggressive stuff but to a lesser extent since I figured out what was going on. I know where he`s coming from now. He still has it in him to nail people behind their backs, He is still doing this to other people in our lives. I don`t know if he will ever be "cured" of this but at least I am smart enough now to watch my back. He doesn`t realise that he`s doing this and that it`s a inappropriate way of dealing with life. His Dad is like this and that`s where he learned it. I had starting using these tactics on him but now I see it and have stopped. I never lied though. I confront him directly now when I am not happy and I am trying to encourage him to do the same with me. I am still hearing lies about what happened in the past but not about present events. If you can get your H to the point of no NEW lies then you should be okay. You need to forgive his lies about the past and LISTEN to him and VALIDATE him when he`s not happy about something. If you can do this then he will be less likely to resort to the passive/agressive tactics. <p>Passive/aggressives feel like they are not listened to or taken seriously. I am not asking you to let him run the show but to take his concerns seriously and try to work out POJA`s.

Daisy-<p>I think I have gotten my husband to the point of no new lies for the most part. I guess the biggest problem is trusting that he isn't lying. How can I ever believe him completely? I feel like I have to make him prove to me he isn't lying. I feel like I can never completely trust him again. I always have doubt in the back of my mind. How can you have a marriage if you don't trust the person?