This is an idea that I have kicked around in my head on and off over the last few years.<p>Now that I really, really feel done with him and this entire relationship I want to meet her. For so long I thought of her as an evil hag and now I see that she is just a regular human being. Just like me.<p>Truely I could just go on my merry way and leave this woman alone. She deserves that. But in a way I want to apologize. I'm also really curious about her in a certain way.<p>I know that if I met her that you really really mark the end of all contact between he and I and i'm ready for that.<p>I just wonder if I should let sleeping dogs lie.

As a BS, I have to say leave it alone! We all endure soooo much pain already! Why rub salt into her wounds? Even if you're not intending to.<p>This act would just be for you and not for her. Time to stop being selfish!<p>Sorry if my words are harsh!<p>Le

You know what. Right after I posted this I thought the same thing. <p>I don't think any good can come from it and there is SO much that she doesn't know that can't not hurt.

KS, <p>Let it die. The OM contacted me to apologize and I just ripped him a new [censored]. I had no idea why he deserved to even speak to me after what he had done. There really is no point in doing it. Everyone has suffered enough.<p>my 2 cents.<p>WW4L

As a BS - I would like to talk to OW who is too cowardly to talk - in my opinion. I think you should give her the option on whether or not to talk. I would like an apology. I would like a conversation but obviously others don't feel the same way. I think you should send her a letter apologizing, express how you feel, express your desire to end all contact with him and leave the door open for her to contact you if she so desires. <p>If she doesn't contact you THEN let sleeping dogs lie.

I have decided not to contact her. <p>REalistically though, what would I say to this women<p>Hi, i've been sleeping with your husand for the past 4 years. Having an EA since your honeymoon. Ooops! He told me that you were mean to him, plus it suited my needs. <p>Have a nice life.<p>there's really no way to do this. Honestly if it was me i'd want to know everything, but I don't think that most people do.

Glad to see that you are getting a perspective on this. <p>The poor lady has already been harmed beyond words. If she had wanted to meet you, she would have contacted you. Contact from you would only serve to open her wounds again. I doubt she would ever accept an appology from you. At this point, an apology would only serve to mitigate your guilt. It would not take away her pain. And taking away her pain should be your only motivation for apologizing. An apology for any other reason is selfish at best.<p>She owes you nothing. If she did agree to meet you, what do you think her purpose would be? I'm trying to think that one through. I think that if I ever met any of my x-h's OWen, my purpose would be to hurt them. I know that might sound petty, but they had no qualms in hurting me. For this reason I do not want to ever confront them... I do not want to be brought down to their level.<p>As for my current H's OWen. I spoke to all of them. They were nice enough. They did not know he was married.. he lied. He was just dating around like a single guy. Of course it never struct any of the 10 that he never gave them a home address or phone number (yea right). Isn't that clue number one? When a man does not bring a woman into his personal life... it's because there is a woman at home. I did get a chance to say my peace to each of them. But it was on my terms, not theirs. They owed me, not the other way around. Please understand that I was gracious with each of them. But one can be gracious and at the same time get the point across.<p>An apology is not worth much when the person who did the harm did it intentionally. Read Dr. Harley's letter about forgiveness... forgiveness of such a grave wrong must be earned through some sort of compenstion. What have you done to compensate her and to win her forgiveness? She owes you nothing. Certainly not forgiveness. Now, she might be a very giving person who can forgive you. She may have already forgiven you. But that is her paragative.<p>If you feel guilt over your affair, it is yours to bear alone. <p>It almost sounds like your intent here is more curiousity then forgiveness. I am probably wrong.. but that's what my gut tells me.<p>Z

Taking the words right out of your mouth from the first post plus some of my own personal preferences: <p>w (BS),
I am writing this as an attempt to end all forms of contact with your H (WS). I want to apologize for having an inappropriate relationship with your H (WS). H (WS) is a grown man and he is responsible for his own actions but I did play a part in it. I felt a responsibility to share my heart because you and your family are real people with real feelings and real hurt. I will not contact you or your H again. However, please feel free to contact me if it will help in getting closure for you. <p>OW
OW phone number<p>----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
All you other BS recognise that not everyone feels the same way about this as you do. This may be the VERY thing his W needs. It could be a sanity checked. She may have beleived her H lies for a long time but is going crazy because his words say he hasn't had an affair and his actions have shown otherwise. I am telling you - I nearly lost my mind!!! She has a right to know!<p>Please continue contemplating this Katie Scarlett. If you were MY H OW - I would want to know.

Katie,<p>As a BS I do want to know everything, or at least as much as possible. But you see there is no way I would trust what an OW told me. She has already proven herself to be a liar. Why on earth would I waste my time trying to get info out of her? I would have to ask myself what her motivation was.... to reliever herself of guilt at my expense (read hurt me one more time?)?, to hurt me further because my H left her?, or because she wanted revenge on my H? You see there is no good motive here, so the info will be distorted.<p>What you need to realize about many BS's is that the OP is less then nothing to them. A BS has to deal with their WS. But the BS does not have to deal with the OP. It's actually a blessing.

Moving Forward,
Have you ever been in contact with OP? <p>wantwife4life and zorweb
I don't think you can give Katie a good perspective because you HAVE had contact with OP. So you really can't speak from experience of someone who has not. <p>Are there any BS out there who HAVE NOT had contact with OP and would like contact with OP?<p>That should be the question.

Katie, I think if she wants to talk to you, she will get in touch with you. I did with the xOW and it was not horrible. She is not the person who betrayed me...sure, she participated but I feel if it hadn't been her, it would have been someone else.
She is not the one who lied and cheated and broke heart...my H led her on,too. Certainly, she begged for it but he didn't HAVE to do it. While I surely do not want her in my life, I am also not afraid of her...never was.She is very uncomfortable talking to me...Whatever..I don't forgive her or not forgive her.

There's also the possibility that if she is still very angry over the A, she may take it out on you. She might shoot you....or worse. Run you over with a car? Blow you up with a bomb. There are any number of things I've imagined doing to the OW during my angriest times. The BS feels like their entire insides have been RIPPED out and laid out all over creation. I have NEVER been a violent person; never had a violent thought....until there was an A. Something I never imagined my 2nd H would do to me when he had seen and lived with the affects of my 1st H's A. Yet, he did it. I couldn't hurt him because that would have taken him away from our children. But OW, well I never LOVED her, so could very well imagine all sorts of tragedies happening to her.....Just some food for thought.<p>MOM

Hmmm, there is that to consider. My son was born out of a very complicated situation. Basically I got pregnant by a guy who claimed to be single, turns out he wasn't. (Can I pick em or what)<p>Anyway, when the truth came out his girlfriend (now W) went ballistic! At first she was calm but cold to me. Then in time I guess it just ate her up. She ended up suing me!<p>Ultimately the case was thrown out of court and cost her a lot of money, but it just goes to show, you NEVER know!<p>At the end of the day, I still think it's a bad idea. My motives aren't pure. I don't desire her forgiveness. I honestly think that it's more a curosity thing for me. There are just SO many lies that i'd love to get to the bottom of. That's NOT a reason to contact this woman.

Katie,
Wounded2673 has been in contact with OP. Again, I do not think that someone who HAS had contact can give you an objective opinion because they HAVE had contact.
Myownme, what she said is true which is why a letter would be better than in person.
Katie, I also recognise this is my own selfishness wanting you to contact her. because I would want to talk to her.
Do what you think is best. I wish more people were like me to say "contact her" but I guess if everyone was like me this would be a boring world.

While I know OW...and have sent letter to her and left her messages on her voicemail...I haven't truly had contact with her. <p>Do I want to talk to her? Only if she wants to get on her knees and begs my forgiveness and the forgiveness of the Lord...<p>She knew me. She knew my children. SHE KNEW WHAT SHE WAS DOING. She played nice/nice to me...all the while plotting to HAVE my H...I guess having 4 of her own was not enough...<p>No...I really don't ever want to talk to her...not unless she is TRULY REMORSEFUL...<p>I guess that is what has bothered me about this thread...ya seem kinda flip about it all Katie Scarlett...one of your posts even 'taunts' that you were with her H practically on their honeymoon...that kind of attitude makes me sick to my stomach...heard too much of it when I listened to my H's cell phone voicemails and she would 'make fun' of me....<p>This is not some nighttime soap opera...It is life..and someone's real and true feelings have been devastated...someone's heart has been ripped out...someone married with their eyes wide open...only to find out it was a lie...and YOU were a part of that lie...and you make fun of it?<p>As you can see...this touches a deep wound for me.

Katie, <p>Do you know for sure that the W knows about you?<p>Does she know just that her H was involved in an A with someone?<p>Or does she know you by name?<p>Does she even know that there was an A?<p>Do you know whether OM has told you the truth about what his W knows? Because he was not honest with you in other ways, do you really know what his W knows?<p>The reason I ask is that if she doesn't know about you specifically as the OW, it would be a big shock to make her aware of it. It would only hurt her terribly.<p>I'm glad to see you are continuing your dialog with people here.<p>Take care,
Estes

Scarlett:<p>I agree with Cali as far as how the "honeymoon" comment sounded. Pi**ed me off too.<p>Anyway...<p>I contacted 1 of my H's OW she just denied and was very rude & arrogant claimed my H had a mental problem. She actually made me angrier.<p>The other OW was a 3+ year affair that I am too afraid to talk to her about. It was very sensual & she even ended up pregnant. (didn't have it)...<p>My H thinks I have talked to her...I bluffed...It was the only way to get him to confess. He knew I knew her & knew I could get in touch if I really wanted. I guess I pretty much know all the details. She was madly in love with him & wanted him to leave me...I don't know exactly what he said, but I know he won't ever say because he knows it will kill me. If I ever did really talk to her I would probably ask 1000 questions which would just make me obsess more & make me think of my H as even worse of a dog.<p>I hold her resposible for their A just as much as him. She knew he was married, had kids & obviously wasn't out in the open about his relationship with her. <p>But in your defense....What he told her & how he acted made her think & do some of what she did.<p>There is no way any OP would stay in an A if the guy is telling you he loves his wife, has sex with her often (and enjoys it) & never wants to leave her. I know you wouldn't have stayed with anyone elses husband if he said "Hey it's just for the sex, I really don't care anything about you," Am I right??<p>
No contact I quess is best...if she seeks you out then that's different.<p>Sorry for rambling on.

Estes,
Doesn't the wife have a right to know? Other than the H, who better than straight from the horses mouth would it be better to hear it from? Are you BS and if so - have you talked to OP?
I had problems forgiving friends who knew but didn't tell. I think the not knowing and deception was worse than the A. I believe that is in the Harley's principles too. <p>I am amazed I am the only one that feels like I would want to talk to OP.<p>Anyone else???

notheard,<p>My questions to Katie were designed to find out if the W was aware of Katie specifically as the OW and whether the W knew of her H's affair at all. I suspect that she does know her H was having an affair, but I don't know for sure. Whether or not she knows might affect the decision to contact her or not.<p>Following MB principles, it should be the WH's responsibility to tell his W about his A. If he hasn't been truthful to her, if she doesn't know about the affair, and if the relationship is truly over, what would the effect on the BS be if she were contacted out of the blue by an OW? Any responses? <p>No, I am not BS, I am the mother of a son who is a BS. Son wants to eventually punish OM [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] .
Definitely wants to confront OM. I hope he doesn't. BTW, one day I would LOVE to talk to the OM [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] myself. Probably won't do it because it would be a major LB to DIL. Obviously we all know about the OM. But if we didn't, I can only imagine the scene if he called my S and was the first one to break the news of the A.<p>Estes<p>[ December 04, 2001: Message edited by: Estes49 ]</p>

Just my 2cents....<p>I have never had contact with OW beyond her hanging up on me when she answered my H's cell phone and I asked who she was.<p>I have seen a picture and thats the extent.<p>I have absolutely zero desire to hear from the OW or talk to her. <p>My H chose to be with her. If he hadn't made that choice, there was nothing she could have done to "force" it. So as far as I am concerned, while she was a willing and knowing accomplice, there's nothing to discuss with her.<p>The issue is between my H and I, and frankly, none of her business.<p>I say leave the W alone Katie, unless you truely want to ask for forgiveness, and even then, honestly, I don't think its a good idea.