I explained basic MB principals to WS and she basically thought they made sense. Gave her EN questionnaire to fill out 2 weeks ago but now she refuses. Saw MC yesterday and W said she needs space and doesn't really want to talk to me about anything regarding our M or OP. MC said this is normal part of withdrawal process and that I should not ask a bunch of questions (which I know) or place any well-meaning pressure on W to work on M.<p>Should all Plan A activity be suspended during this phase? Or should I try to guess what my W's most important ENs are and try to fulfill them as much as possible?<p>Has anyone read the "Divorce Busters" book. I am tempted to apply some of these principals now while my W is not available to interact with me toward repairing our M. From our session yesterday, I do think my W will be open to work on M at some point, but I would like to do things now that are helpful toward recovery but won't push her away.<p>Any thoughts (especially about "Divorce Busters" concepts)? Thanks.

oops<p>[ December 05, 2001: Message edited by: jeffers ]</p>

Plan A is about addressing your issues and behavior. It can and probably should be done while she is in withdrawal. It is something you do for yourself and the marriage and doesn't really require that she is ready to work on the marriage. Plan A is to show her you care and are willing and able to change those behaviors you feel need to be changed.<p>While it would be nice for you to get feed back from your W, frequently this is not the case. So work on yourself and no LB's, that is Plan A at its simplest.<p>Good Luck and God Bless,<p>JL

My memory needs a refresher - is she at home or away?<p>Yes, my wife started out seemingly somewhat willing to give me the time of day, but has slowly over the weeks become colder and more distant. I've been applying techniques to help the situation - likely some overlap with those you mentioned.<p>As one example, she clearly wanted to pick a fight last night - doing so would give her some justification to feel mad / bad at me, I suppose. It was over something stupid. I made some comment about not being able to time something that was cooking - she said "well if you'd listened to me, we'd have gotten that second timer" - said it very snidely - I just said, "you're totally right". She couldn't say much else - in fact, that settled her down for the rest of the evening pretty much.<p>I've also realized that I'm starting to wear a bit thin here after 3 months of Plan A. One can only smile and take it so much! But she's still at home. Things I think that have helped:<p>- being quietly confident
- not provoking any arguments, etc.
- going on about my business of life
- acting happy, even when I'm miserable<p>Things I want to do next:<p>- start going out and finding new things to do, offering her to join in, but continuing on even if she doesn't
- more notes, etc. (as per Plan A)
- changing my behavior "scripts"<p>Recently I've started turning up the "I love you" bandwagon again. I toned this down after the initial stage where I was coming on as needy. Now I want to start getting back there, mainly because I don't want to appear cold and distant - that would play right into her hands. However, she's resistant to it, but not running away in horror, either, so I'll keep it up unless it starts appearing to be LB'ing.<p>As I've heard it described, try a key - if it doesn't work, try a different one. Whatever you do, don't keep doing the same things that don't work. We can always hope that SOMETHING out there will work. If it doesn't, we still have our own options at least (e.g. Plan B).

Thanks JL & JR. At this point I'll just show I care, work on self and avoid the LBs (mainly asking too many questions for me). She just doesn't want to talk about stuff right now.<p>W still living with me and no talk anymore about moving out or separation. We both are seeing IC & MC. I do understand Plan A is to work on self and I also realize it can be done without her active participation, but it would make it a little easier for me if she would share what her most important ENs are.<p>JR--I did the "I love yous" for a while and at first my W said it is OK with her so long as I understood she was not ready to tell me same back. More recently, she changed her mind and asked me not to do this because she is feeling an obligation to return the sentiment. I do understand this and agreed to stop saying it for now. (I think you and I had a previous post about this). It's funny how things change. Trying different things sounds like good advice. For the next few weeks, I think I'll just give her a lot of room while doing Plan A as best I can. Thanks.

RJB2,
Like Just Learning said plan A is to work on yourself and at the same time try the best you can not to LB your wife. I know how you feel about meeting your wife&#8217;s most important Ens, but for now focus on yourself (I know it is easily said than done). I would leave her alone for now since she said she needed space and didn&#8217;t want to talk about anything. My wife went through that period for a while after d-day. <p>Continue with your plan A even during her withdrawal. Don&#8217;t try to guess what her most important Ens for now, she might not even know what she wants and put more pressure on her would only push her further away from you. Believe me, I have been there and done that. I know you have an urge to fulfill your wife&#8217;s EN, but when she is not ready for you to do so it would only be seen as LB if you persist. <p>I DID read the book you referred to and had in the past applied some of those methods, but during my wile&#8217;s withdrawal, it just passed her by without having any affect on her (My wife is a little bit in a &#8220;special&#8221; behavior anyway.) You can try to apply some of those 180 to see what happens. <p>If you can wait her out for now, I would do so since your instinct tells you that your wife might open up to work on your marriage at some point. <p>Take care.<p>[ December 06, 2001: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</p>