I have been wondering if my h. and I are actually in recovery. We are living together (he moved back in in Oct), but sometimes I don't think we are together. Even on the good days when we aren't arguing, he says that he is no longer in love with me, he won't leave though, because he has a responsibility for his kids. Is this recovery or is it just being in a relationship for the kids? <p>I don't find our relationship even slightly normal. Everything we do seems so fake. Sometimes he'll hold my hand, but mostly it's like a timed operation for everything. We have this understanding that he loves me, but he's not in love with me. Christmas is only a joy because of my son. I guess we'll see if anything happens on my birthday. I said I'd rather not celebrate it and he said he didn't plan on it. <p>Any input???

Rainefall, I think recovery begins differenty for a lot of us who have more than one separation, or D day or affair. <p>The more issues the 2 of you have, the more healing, forgiveness, time & patience that needs to take place.<p>My H & I had 6 failed reconciliations, some of which I thought at first were recovery. But even with the failures there were really good times--we went to Disney World as a family between separations #5 & 6 and it is a good memory. And of course there were dismal times as well. <p>This last--good (19months)--reconciliation, I almost didn't dare say we were in recovery until about 6-8 months had passed. I like the word reconciliation because we were indeed reconciling our difficulties, we were struggling too much for me to think of it as "recovering". But in retrospect I now know we were. And, my H, who many times said he didn't love me, was going to divorce me, easily says he both loves & is in love with me. It can come back.<p>So, even if what you are going through now doesn't look like or feel like recovery, just take it day by day, concentrate on meeting needs & not lovebusting. Get to counseling if you can, if your H won't go, go alone. What you've gone through has given you enough issues to work on for awhile and maybe he'll join you later.<p>Even if his coming home for your son isn't the reason your heart wants, it's a good reason, and a place to start.

Hey Rainefall! I'm in about the same situation with my W. Says she loves me but isn't in love with me. I'm guessing it's the kind of love you feel for a brother or sister. But we are still together. And once in a while she looks at me with genuine love in her eyes. We've had 3 setbacks in 5 weeks but I've decided to love her back into this marriage or die trying.
I don't believe we're close to recovery just yet but we are reconciling. I just have to not push her. So we're taking this at her pace. I'll do what it takes. I love her. Sounds like you love yours too. You're not alone. Surf this site. It's full of good ideas. God be with you.

Hi Rainfall, <p>I think Lor is right, you have inflicted enormous damage on one another, both of you are feeling the emotions suffered from both sides of an affair! That's going to take extra time to get through.<p>Has your H been introduced to MB's or has he read any books on Infidelity or understanding marital problems? If not you may want to get him started. I was truly oblivious to fact that I was causing my W so much pain prior to her A. Reading books and posting has helped me as much if not more than going to my IC and our MC! As you probably already know the Harley's books are incredibly easy to read and digest and put everything into perspective.<p>Sounds to me like you're on the right track! Keep the faith alive [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]
WW4L

Thank you for the advise. I am trying to work through all of this, but it is really hard. To answer the questions-my h. directed me to this site after my a. He said, "see look what you've done" but as far as reading about affairs or problems, "we didn't have any before this". If I try to tell him otherwise he gets upset. I don't know I love him a whole bunch, but I guess what I would really like is for him to say that he was sorry for his a. the way that I apologized for mine. Instead he says that his a. is my fault, that he had to leave her because he cheated on her with me, and that he didn't want anyone else being there for me when I had my child. does this make sense to anyone?