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The term codependency, as first used in the alcohol treatment field, meant any person who's life was seriously affected by an alcoholic. Now the meaning has evolved and expanded. A codependent person today has two problems: (1) a disastrous relationship with an addict or compulsive person and (2) a disabling personal problem of his/her own, namely, an obsession with controlling or curing the other person which leads to frustration.
People who are codependent care a lot; they devote their lives to saving others who are in trouble. Sounds wonderful! But that isn't the full story. Codependency is caring run amuck. Melody Beattie (1987) describes codependents as angry, controlling, preachy, blaming, hard to talk to, subtly manipulative, amorphous non-persons, and generally miserable. Not exactly angels of mercy. They have tried so hard to manage someone else's life--to "save" them--but they failed, and sooner or later their life crumbled into bitterness, despair, guilt, and hopelessness. They became martyrs, tyrants, people-pleasers, clinging vines, distraught parents, 24-hour-a-day caretakers, etc. They have lost control of their lives. <p>Naturally, these "rescuers" are attracted to people who certainly need lots of help, such as alcoholics, drug users, con artists, habitual criminals, sex addicts, mentally ill, physically ill, and, perhaps, most unsuspectingly, selfish, irresponsible, troubled children or ambitious workaholics who need someone to support them while they "do their thing." The codependents of alcoholics have an organization to help them, called Al-Anon (call AA for information). Self-help groups for other types of codependents are available in some cities (call Codependents Anonymous at 602-277-7991). But codependents often do not recognize their responsibility for their own problems; they see only their gallant efforts to help an ungrateful, troubled person whom they now blame for all their misery. They don't see the choices they have made. Much has been written about co-dependency recently (Bradshaw, 1988; Kellogg, 1987; Wegscheider-Cruse, 1990). <p>The basic traits of codependents--caring and helping--are very commendable. However, the obsession with solving another person's problems becomes problematic (if their cures don't work).
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If you are a codependent and overly involved in running someone else's life, you need to withdraw and detach yourself. This is done by "setting limits" or "setting a boundary" with this person. In this way you clarify what you will and will not do for another person; you establish your rights and set the limits of your commitment to the other person (even if you feel you should do everything for them). Explain to the person you have been worrying that you have done all you can, that they must now care for themselves, that they probably need professional help as well as a support group, that you have, do, and will love them deeply, but you want to make the best of your own life. Then, get started immediately focusing on improving your own life. Find useful, interesting, important things to do (see chapter 3). Have some successes and some fun. (Be sure you don't go looking for another addict to take care of.)
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How can you tell the difference between codependency and just being a good, caring person? Probably by your degree of involvement and the amount of pain you feel. Examples of codependency: If you only think and talk about someone else's problem, have a long history of unsuccessful efforts to rescue him/her or change his/her behavior, and always feel "I have to do something" to help a particular person, you are codependent and need to detach. If you have been terribly upset for months with a person's problems (or with a series of people with similar problems) and are thinking "I can't go on living like this" but you do, you are codependent and need to detach. If your lover has drained you of all your assets or your spouse has had repeated affairs or abandons you while "working at the office," and you are "going out of your mind" trying to hold on to him/her, you are codependent and need to detach. If you react with horror to the suggestion that you get out of this mess which is destroying your life, saying "Oh, my God, I couldn't do that; I care too much," you are codependent and need to detach. <p>If our self-concept is low and has weak, unclear boundaries, we may (a) be dependent, taken over, used, or manipulated by others, or (b) feel so identified with a needy person that we are compelled to take over and manage the other person's life. In the beginning, the codependent looks like a strong "savior" but in the end they feel crushed. If our boundaries are thick walls, no one can get close to us and we aren't open to change. Ideally, our boundaries will be strong enough to resist unreasonable, destructive demands (no matter how flattering they seem at first) but flexible enough to let in freely given intimacy and love. More self-esteem (chapter 14) and assertiveness (chapter 13) are needed if our boundaries are overly weak or overly strong. In therapy, codependents are repeatedly told the Three C's: You didn't cause it; you can't control it; you can cure it! In short, you can stop supporting the addict's sickness and get a healthy life of your own. <<<<<p>For more.....
http://www.mentalhelp.net/psyhelp/chap8/chap8g.htm?type=doc&id=867<p>I found this at
www.mentalhelp.net. There's info about many many topics there. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ December 06, 2001: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</p>
