well here is my situation... my husband and i have been married 4 and a half years and have 2 kids... on Sunday he told me he doesn't know if he loves me anymore and he feels trapped he wants to go and act single..exluding the whole opposite sex stuff he jsut wants to be able to go out and not worry what time he has to be home or whether i'm gonna be upset....this is a great shock to me and he said he has felt this way for a while he jsut didn't want to tell me cuz he knew i'd be hurt and upset... i want him to realize he can do that with the kids and i at home...oh he thought we should separate and i am at my sisters with the kids...this is very hard on all of us we all want to go home very badly the only time my hubby and i have talked is just to let him know we got here safely since its a long drive... i want to give him the space he needs and i want to to wait til he calls me cuz then i'll know he's ready to talk i'm jsut very coinfused and i don't know what to do i want to save this marriage cuz i love him with everything i have.... i'm also wondering why he doesn't feel like he loves me anymore he says he doesn't feel anything when we kiss and that all the small things that i did for him that used to mean so mush to him don't anymore...why could that be i believe once that "inlove " feeling is over does not mean that you don't love that person anymore i felt we had a deeper love a more comfortable love i'm not sure though please help lindsay

flaming<p>Welcome. Sorry you are in pain. You have come to the right place.<p>Has you husband had an affair? If you are not sure it sounds to me there is an OW (other woman)<p>Read everything on this site. Start Plan A now don't wait. Plan a is all about improving you. Work on you at this time. No LB.<p>Come here and vent. Please post with more details<p>SLH

just so y'all know my hubby has not ever had an affair and this isn't about another woman its about him...just thought i'd make that clear

You need to go back to your home immediately. He is the one who wants the separation so it is HE, rather than you and the kids, who should leave. If he truly wants to be single then let him free to face the harsh reality of living all alone in a new strange place. Don't make this easy on him or he will never reconsider his thinking.<p>Once you get home, you need to quickly implement a good Plan A to start repairing whatever damage has happened here. And maybe you are 100% right that there is no other woman involved, but I would just suggest that you keep your ears and eyes open because this is usually one of the signs.<p>But I cannot emphasize enough how important it is for you and the kids to go home NOW. You are causing much more harm by leaving because you are protecting him from the consequences of his behavior by making it too easy for him. Nor can you take steps to repair anything when you are not there. GO HOME NOW! NOW!

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by flamingdazy:
<strong>he wants to go and act single..exluding the whole opposite sex stuff he jsut wants to be able to go out and not worry what time he has to be home or whether i'm gonna be upset</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Just a side note. Is there a married person in the whole world who HASN'T felt this way at one time or another? Surely with 2 small children you have wondered how wonderful it would be to sleep in and come and go as you please? Every couple falls in and out of love over the lifetime of thier marriage. This is a normal feeling that most people have - the difference is that your H wants to act on it for some reason. My point is that his feelings are normal and do not warrant the end of his family.

Flaming:<p>I agree with ML, you should get back to your home ASAP. If your husband wants his new single life, he should be the one to leave.<p>You may not like this next suggestion, but I would advise doing a little snooping, such as reviewing cell phone bills and credit card receipts. It is possible he is not involved with another woman, but many of the things he is saying to you are classic for those involved in affairs. My wife said similar things to me but swore there was noone else. She in fact was involved in an emotional affair and wanted to separate to see if anything more could develop with this other person.<p>You have the right to know.

flaming,
I agree with Melodyland and RJB2,
GET BACK HOME NOW! I know it's really hard to think about, but there are not too many of us BS's (betrayed spouses) here who weren't told "there's no one else." My H insisted there was no one else right up until the time I drove to OW's house and caught him there (they'd gone to bed for the night). We are NOT trying to make you feel badly, just trying to be realistic. Please get your kids and go home. If your H wants to experience the "single" life again, you make HIM leave. Like everyone else has said, let him deal with the consequences of his choices. Please keep us posted, and I'll be praying for you.<p>MOM

hubby is supposed to be coming up here for christmas at that time i iplanned on teeling him the kids and i are going home if he wants he can move into the barracks( we're military) or he can stay its his choice but i feel that i need to try and give him the freedom he wants atleast for awhile.. I'm just horribly scared i'm a housewife and mother i haven't worked in 4 years all i know are him and my kids....i know he loves me he just has been unhappy for so long and has held it inside for so long....He seemed positive about this separation and felt this would help and i'm trying to keep the positive attitude but its hard i'm physically sick because of this and i don't know how to stop it....oh yeah what is plan A? thanks for the advice lindsay

dazy,<p>Are you sure we aren't married to the same guy?? I must tell you we will be married 4 years in feb.
And I thought everything was okay, too but now he is feeling like he got married too young/too soon (27??) and wants freedom. Like he missed his chance for independence. And I'm convinced there is no OW in the picture either. I think most of us, as Melody said, feel that way from time to time. The difference in my marriage is that I am 42 and he's 30---see, I know that the next few years will change him drastically and he'll get a better perspective on 'the good life'.<p>I also agree that you should take your children and go home immediately. Only a cad would let his wife leave with kids and stay in their home while they bivouac somewhere else. It's also hard to work on a long distance marriage.<p>AND I think Walt Disney was a dastard! Well, not that bad but I think he did us a disservice by all the 'happily ever after' crap! He forgot to mention baby puke, dirty diapers, working overtime, kids in the bed so no sex...basically the stuff that real life is made of. Give your hubby some time out with the boys...maybe a POJA for him to have some guy time every now and then but I would not leave my home. If he needs more, let him work it out.<p>It sounds as if you are a bit wiser in matters of the heart than your H but he is not hopeless. He just doesn't know that true love means holding the hair of a puking wife out of the toilet--not rose and bottle rockets when you kiss. Maturity is a good thing.<p>[ December 07, 2001: Message edited by: diddallas ]</p>

tHE WHOLE THING IS I'M NOT upset or concerned about the whole going out thing its the part about him not sure if he loves me anymore... everyone we know well agrees that we belong together we were made for each other people we meet say how they can tell we love each other by the way we act around each other aswell as apart i believe you just don't fall out of love with someone i wander if he just feels that way because of the things he's been holding inside for so long and has been holding them against me and feeling i'm the one who didn't give him the things he wanted but all he had to do was tell me but then what if he tried and i wasn't listening or i didn't want to hear them i know i have probably not done my best and have made mistakes but i feel i deserve the chance to fix them and make them better.. am i right or wrong here? I mean he even still does the little things trying to make me happy he says thats what he's been trying to do while he has felt unhappy maybe thats the problem he's working to hard to make me happy instead of himself. I've talked about counseling which i'm very unsure about i don't feel comfortable with that and niether does he so of course the answer was no....what to do what to do but i must say i won't go home until he comes for x-mas in fact i don't even wanna mention it to him until he gets here....adn how long whould i wait for him to call me? i don't wanna call cuz i want to give him that space he needs... but the kids miss him and want to go home they're not happy here and i think my oldest who is 3 feels like something is wrong which upsets me... i'm hoping some things will be figured out by christmas lindsay

oh yeah i thought i would mention we are young both 23 we got married the day after he graduated high school i've always been kinda scared itook away his chance to be young and free could that be part of it

ok i have a question my hubby and i talked...not about the situation just about him being tired and working alot... when do i tell him we NEED to talk about this? do i tell him about this site and suggest he come here and read some of the articles? I don't want to smother him or come on too strong help!!!

Flamingdazy.<p>Welcome to Marriage Builders. You have some homework here my dear. <p>Get ahold of the book, his needs/her needs by Dr. Harley. Read up on the basic concepts. Then when you are ready ready Surviving an Affair. <p>I know you say there is no A going on but all the indicators are there. Your H is young but not exempt from an A. He has been feeling this way for a while. You have only been married for a while. <p>Lots of babbling here. What you are telling us is being said by your H sounds awfully close to same lingo we hear from our spouses and some of us have been married for decades!!!! <p>The stuff your H is saying also is not making sense (another warning sign). In the book his needs/her needs you will learn how to understand each of your emotional needs and work with them. There is also an emotional needs questionnaire you can find a copy under the concepts section located under the Marriage Builders logo at the top of this screen. Print it and fill it out. If your H will also, that would be even better. Don't push him. If he doesn't then you do one for you and do one for him with your guesses. There is no right or wrong answer. Then evaluate both. Remember if you are doing it for him your answers may be different than his real answers but at least it is a start. <p>Do that and let us know how you feel. If the truth not be known now, it will be later. <p>Take Care,
L.

well i took the EN questionare from my side...i haven't talked to hubby about it yet... i think that when he gets homne tonight i might see if he is ready to talk about our situatiion. And from my side he is meeting my needs i feel loved by him i see him do things to making me happy In fact he says thats what he's been trying to do all this time is try to make ME happy I'm taking that as a good sign if he wants to make me happy then he must love me or am i wrong? If you don't love someone then why would you want to make them happy? maybe he'll take it and maybe he'll tell me what he's feeling that is the one area i know we need to work on is him talking to me about his feelings and thoughts and ME listening to them...We have always seemed to have a communication problem he comes from a family who had its problems... physical abuse emothional abuse and ect. i have tried to get him to open up and when he does it makes me so happy... but when i open up about me hurting and how i feel it just seems to make him unhappy and makes him feel he's doing things wrong and then i feel bad...i feel so confused about it all... lindsay

Dear Lindsay,<p>You took the questionnaire. Good. You are going to try and discuss this with your H. Another good. <p>Slow steps now. Slow down a bit. Us Bs' often want to rush things. Not good. Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart. <p>Later after your talk, get ahold of the book his needs/her needs. Do some reading. During your talk with your H, let him talk as much as possible and if you can just listen probably better for now. Very hard thing to do here, but try ok?<p>This will reduce the times he is feeling bad because of what you are saying. <p>L.

well tried to see if he was ready to talk last night ...nope...he really didn't even talk at all i jsut reaasured him i was there when he was ready and i didn't want to force him but that i thought the sooner we talked the better....maybe in a few more days but i feel like every day is an eternity and i'm just scared.... thanks for all the advice everyone i appreciate it...lindsay

Hi Lindsay,<p>Let's keep you busy here. He may not want to talk for a 'while'...... hard I know. Go out and get that book, his needs/her needs. Start reading it. You will find it helpful. If you finish that and he still is not talking, then go and get the book surviving an affair. He may be offended when he sees you reading, you can say it is another one of Dr. Harley's books.<p>Be patient and busy. A BS Technique!!!!
Howz that?
L.

ok maybe i'm an idiot here but i can't seem to find the steps of plan A i keep reading tidbits on it but can't find out exactly what it is and how i do it.. Is this a way to make progress even if hubby isn't having an affair? thanks lindsay