If recovery is at all possibly, has anyone found that people "knowing" of the separation can prevent recovery? That is the way I feel. I FEAR people knowing because it's really viewed as a failure, isn't it? Society can be very mean. They don't know about MB prinicples. My MIL feels that separation means divorce. She believes that if it's reached the point of separation, it's too far gone. That's probably the way I would felt too if I hadn't found MB. <p>We are surrounded by a social cirle that has in tact marriages. It would be shocking to all and extremely sad. Friends used to refer to us as the "it" couple and I can honestly say that I am not prepared for the "coming out" party. My H, on the other hand, appears to be completely ready for this AFTER Christmas. Says he is in no way ready to come and the world must deal...

I disagree strongly if the separation is due to one of the spouses having an affair.<p>Keeping it under wraps only adds to that "protective bubble" that the WS and OP have created in the first place and most likely will prolong any type of recovery that may occur.<p>My WW, in the beginning, even went as far as putting her wedding ring on just before she went to work and taking it off on the drive home!

Hi AH, Thanks for responding...No one knows of the affair and I've agreed to not let anyone know. His explanation for the separation is his need to find "happiness".

Terrified,
A has to be exposed, this impede your recovery. If H want to going public w/ separation find a way to let the dog out not supporting H's fog. You got suck into H fog and suporting it. Yes, it will impede your recovery not because of separation but the lies !!!! and you supporting it. IMVHO, You tell H that if he is coming out with separation, you will let the dog out. Even if you already agreed to. Use your Venusian, tell H that you can not take it anymore and that is your last draw. Play fogese back to H and never get suck into it. You could find a very talkative family member, you know what I mean, then cry to her and tell the story. After that play fogese to H and call and tell H that "It is beyond your control and you are very sorry about it and nothing you could do but you are afraid that the truth will be spread". Familiar ?, this is a fogese line. Is it LB ? heck no, take a look at 5 LB lists. H will get angry, yes, do you give in every thing to your kids ?. What monster are you creating here ?.<p>Sorry I am too harsh, you are not in recovery at all !!!. Read missapplication of plan A by Distress.

Terrified - I agree with Always Hopeful.<p>(Before I type the next sentence, I must say that I have not followed your story closely, so I am not aware of your details.)<p>I believe it is generally a HUGE mistake for the BS to help protect the WS from the consequences of their decisions.<p>Unless there's some compelling reason not to, I would recind your promise not to let the cat out of the bag. In effect, you are a participant in the affair if you have agreed to help keep it secret. OF COURSE he will be totally PO'd if you do this, but why help him?<p>I realize this may hurt you hearing this, but I sincerely have your best interests in mind.

Dear T,<p>Will it hinder the recovery? In my opinion, NO. Why? Because recovery requires that both parties work together. Whereas the A requires that only one party step out. Sometimes the 2nd party (BS) may have been neglectful or contributed in some way but the primary guilt/blame of the A is the WS choice. <p>Pride goes before a crash..... does that sound familiar? It is a quote from the book of Proverbs. The entire vs reads: Pride goes before a crash and a haughty spirit before stumbling. <p>Your H sounds like a man filled with pride, the kind that can make him crash. Mine too. It did make him crash and the price we are all paying is high, it could go even higher if he chooses to. <p>Based on the above, the BS takes a calculated risk either way. In my case, keeping everything a secret like H wanted was the wrong thing to do. His family were always hiding things and making secrets. Even on dumb things. I guess they had phobias about it. My H did threaten that he would never come back. H also lied a lot. I replied that I could no longer tell the difference between his lie and truth statements. So I needed to do what I could. I gave him the dark room, no light, walking around carrying my child and obstacles large and small placed stagetically all around me illustration. I felt his lies kept me in that room and my fight for survival of my family was dependent on us making it out of that room alive. This meant doing some things that may not be pleasant. For me not telling meant suffocation. A bit drastic but I wanted my H to know that I was not going to allow what he wanted to control our survival. Our survival depended on what 'our family' needed, then wanted. I did say that I would take his request into consideration but left it at that. <p>The point is, is that I burst his bubble. I acknowledged his request then told him I still needed to do what I needed to do and did not elaborate. H asked and kept asking and it even made him angry. I would share some stuff and when I saw him pulling away I again withheld info. Why? I needed him to ask me. Prior to this I shared as much as I could and he used that against me. No more. <p>See T, how do you know that after the holidays, he won't change his mind on you again and move the date out and continue to do what he is doing? Yes, prior to this may spoil the holiday for some but that is their problem, isn't it already spoiled for you? Who is your H more concerned about outsiders or his family? Ask him. Listen to his answer. That may help you decide. <p>You are going through a very rough time. I understand the holidays are important but as you can see he is trying desparately to allow other things, other than his family to control you and your family. <p>JMHO.<p>Take Care,
L.

I don't know if my story would have had a differtent ending if I had not told but my STBX could never get past the fact that people knew. And people knowing was not widespread either but he could not get over it. There are times I wonder if I could have stood the pain would he had been able to really come home but it is a mute point.<p>One of my STBX's biggest gribes was that I told or made him tell our OS then 15. My son has told me that he would never had believed that his dad would leave me except for someone else. I also believe that no one else would believe it either. Most people found out slowly over a period of months, but people who were important to him knew and even though all these people let him know they cared for him and were willing to help him, he could never face them. <p>We were a very church going family, my STBX never set foot in that church again. The funny thing is I don't go there any more. He goes to church where he lives now and I can not go to church, even after 2 yrs I set in church and cry. <p>Think very carefuly before you go public but once he wants people to know about the seperation, I don't think you have any choice but to tell, maybe not right away but soon.

If you haven't already done so, PLEASE read my story, posted in this section. You will see that my H and I had a few "false starts". All these times al our family and friends knew. It got to a point that people were wondeing on a month to month basis what our status was. It got to be embarressing!
HOWEVER!!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I think, along with everyone else here, that the truth is always best. For personal recovery as well as marital recovery. I am the WS and I was angry that my A was public knowledge. Of course I was, I knew I was WRONG!! Everyone has their own opinion, some of them voiced it. I have stronger relationships with some friends now. I have lost some friends. But, as a WS I strongly reccomend being honest with everyone! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] It is tough, yes, but very healthy!

Personally, I think that as long as you cover up and lie to hide the reality of your marriage, you are impedeing recovery.<p>When my MIL finally came to terms with the fact that my H (her son) was an alcoholic, she just wanted to die with embarrassment. I kept telling her over and over, that it wasn't about her. It wasn't about her failures, her choices, her decisions. This was a failure that lay squarely on her son's shoulders. <p>She resisted seeking out an Al-Anon meeting for months, terrified that someone that she knew would see her, and her dirty little secret would be outed - every one would know and be shocked and horrified and she would be humiliated.<p>Finally, she gave up her pride. (Yes, thats what is really hindering you too) She let go of the need to appear perfect. She decided that it didn't matter what other people thought. She went to her first meeting, and guess what? She did see people she knew - people that she had NEVER dreamed had problems with alcohol in their sons, daughters, parents and spouses.<p>And what she found was a whole new layer of support for the struggles she was having over the grief of what has happening in her son's life.<p>She discovered that all people have their dirty laundry - and that we are only as sick as our secrets.<p>Once you let the secret out, it loses power over your life.<p>And right now, Terri, you are alone with your fear and your pride and your hurt. Isolation and secrecy is harming you and enabling your H.<p>You personally are not going to recover while you hide the truth to cover for your H. Regardless of the outcome, you will start feeling better and getting better when you start doing healthy things. <p>And in the meantime, while you are covering for him, he's pretty comfortable. YOU are doing all the suffering for him, with the thought that if you appease him he'll want to come home.<p>Exactly the opposite is true.<p>Most people do not change until they hit rock bottom. Rock bottom is where the pain of staying-the-same is GREATER than the pain of changing.<p>It was the TRUTH that brought my H home. His family, my family, EVERYONE knew that my H and I were separated because he was having an affair.<p>His family stood behind me. Just a couple of days ago, my H told me how his OW would fight with him because she was his "dirty little secret" (she wanted him to legitimize their relationship by including her at family events). He had to tell her that his family knew all about her, and that if he was going to be with her, he had to give up his whole family, because none of them would ever accept her.<p>If his family hadn't known....had he been able to continue pretending that she was "just a friend" ... it might have gone on forever.<p>Instead, not only did his family tell him in no uncertain terms that they disapproved and would never accept her...but I was divorcing him and moving out of state with his kids.<p>He was at a pretty low point with REALITY slapping him in the face (losing everyone and everything) because there were no more lies that he could tell.<p>That's when recovery happened.<p>Not because I appeased him or covered for him, or cowered in fear of what other people would think or do.<p>I tried my best to behave with self-respect and dignity. I did not enable or aid with an attempt to appease which is too frequently what people around here think plan A is about.<p>So Terrified ~ all it takes is a decision. When are you going to quit letting fear and your H run your life and determine your happiness?

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by BrambleRose:
<strong><p>She resisted seeking out an Al-Anon meeting for months, terrified that someone that she knew would see her, and her dirty little secret would be outed - every one would know and be shocked and horrified and she would be humiliated.<p></strong><hr></blockquote>
If I may point out...If someone you know sees you at a meeting like that, they can't look down their noses at you...what are THEY doing there!?! <p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

BrambleRose - Outstanding..<p>Uh maybe you could enlighten some of us ( me )on appeasement?
I haven't really come across that before.<p>I assume to appease means to placate; to calm. To not LB? Huh? Or in this context does it mean to poorly define what's acceptable to you, your borders?<p>Help please.<p>Dan

T- <p>I posted this on the dupe thread, I'll put it here instead.<p>T-<p>I've had many of the same concerns and fears that you're having. WS had started telling her friends, and she was going to tell her family (well, before I blew up and pre-empted her- major LB). This scared me to death....I was afraid that it meant we were REALLY over, that there was no way back.<p>But after being here for a couple of months, I'm beginning to change my way of thinking a little bit....I think that disclosure (FULL and TRUTHFUL DISCLOSURE) and exposure of the problems, EMAs, and both spouses' contributions really add a level of stress to those relationships. Light of day kind of thing. The spouse who doesn't want to save the marriage (whether the WS or the BS) may feel pressured (thinking it's from others, but really from themselves) to give it a chance.<p>I do agree that it makes the actual coming back more difficult, especially in a particularly prideful person. It takes a lot to admit that maybe one is wrong, and the M CAN be saved....then there'd be the extra guilt of knowing that the other spouse might view them as a quitter or runner, or weak. None of that is easy to deal with, but then again, neither is any of the crap that those of us who WANT the M are going through.<p>Hope this helps a tiny bit.
Kev

Wow, this questions is something very much on my mind right now. I started plan B on November 21 and my wife wants to keep the details secret "for the kids sake". And she also threatened to let others know of my issues with pornography, if news of her infidelity gets out.<p>With changes in her behavior, personality, and appearance over the past year, several people suspect anyway. I think it's inevitable that all this stuff comes out.<p>Her side of the family always meets the Saturday after Christmas for gift exchange, and I won't be there per plan B. She's told her Dad, two sisters, a few other friends that we separated but not the reasons. I've been planning to write a letter to her Dad and siblings explaining why I'm not coming to family events, that it's nothing against them, but I need a complete separation and I still hope to save the marriage. I wasn't going to give the specifics. Would they figure it out anyway? And, now this thread makes me wonder....<p>It would be nice to write a more complete letter and get this out of the way. Tell something of both sides, her mid-life crisis and my problems with pornography (which I've been working on. No home Internet access in plan B will be a huge help). <p>My wife will definitely be upset if I tell people. However, we are not in recovery and she is adamant about not coming back, so really there is nothing to spoil. Except that we have two lawyers negotiating custody and spousal support agreements. Right now I have a signed paper, no lawyers involved, that I get 5 overnights out of 14. It's bare bones, but it covers the critical point for me. She has her lawyer involved now, so further agreements could become more confrontational anyway.<p>I'm not planning to tell the world, and not our children, but feel I owe some type of explanation to her family. And a more complete one to my own family. My brother and sister know many of the details, my Mom and Dad almost no details.<p>My wife has a lot of pride (doesn't everyone), and this could make it harder for her to come back. But I don't think the simple passage of time in plan B will make that happen, either. She will not be under enough financial pressure in plan B, and we are both working well with the kids. I don't want them trying to influence her, anyway.<p>I guess the consensus here, would be to let her family know the reasons. What about acknowledging my own problems? Should I wait until we get legal agreements drafted? There may not be enough time before Christmas, to get the agreements done anyway.<p>Thanks,<p>- Tom

tmmx,
IMVHO, go and talk to them in person. Tell them your story not because of revenge or hurting but to help to put closure on their mind. I wrote a letter (FIL live 10,000 miles aways) to my FIL basically stating that I will not be responsible for his daugther no more since she doesn't want this marriage & continue having A. I did this because I ask her hand from FIL I am obligated to tell him that I am in no control on this matter. About your pronography, let them know too, as part of the fact that you are going to tell them. And hope you get help on this type of addiction. Honesty and openess ! if they are decent people and have feeling, they will understand falling on your weakness is your burden to carry but you are willing to work on it.

Wonderful replies...RH, I would love for everyone to know but instead of me being the news bearer, I prefer it be the dreaded "grape vine". What has stuck in my head is Lexxxy2's opposition to telling everyone...she is a WS and feels isolated because everyone knows. And you're right, I know we're not in recovery. Just wondering what road would lead to it.<p>Hi WAT, I'm going to take this one day at at time. See what happens.<p>Hi Sing, I guess I'll have to wait until going public happens. Who knows...<p>Hi O, I'm glad that you don't think it impedes recovery. I'm anxiously awaiting H's crash (sounds so awful but true...one of my many sick fantasies!) I did threaten to start telling many of our close friends...he claims he doesn't want to be the talk of the Christmas dinner table. I so agree that he is worried, not about me or our family, but about the public's perception of him. And I also worry, that yes, he will push out the date once again after Christmas. (BTW, I pray that your conversation with H goes well tonight). <p>Hi MW, It's good to hear that you are in recovery despite public knowledge. I wish you continued success.<p>Hi BR, Bottom line is that I'm ashamed of failing. I'm ashamed that I was unable to fulfil my H. I'm ashamed that he had to go elsewhere to feel complete. And the world will soon know. I just wished that H would have hit rock bottom before this had to happen. You've made some incredibly good points. I'm not sure why I've always let fear rule my life or let H control it.<p>Still working on Plan A... <p>Hi Kev, Nice to know you're experiencing the exact same insecurities and your post definitely helps...this is all horrible isn't it?<p>Thanks to all for posting.

Hi Terrified ~<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Hi BR, Bottom line is that I'm ashamed of failing. I'm ashamed that I was unable to fulfil my H. I'm ashamed that he had to go elsewhere to feel complete. And the world will soon know. I just wished that H would have hit rock bottom before this had to happen. You've made some incredibly good points. I'm not sure why I've always let fear rule my life or let H control it.
<hr></blockquote><p>You know, this is gonna come out harsh, but I don't mean it that way. Sometimes the printed word just doesn't communicate the empathy or compassion that needs to go with the message.<p>But here goes: Terrified, this is an incredibly selfish attitude. A completely understandable one, and something that we all experience...but a very narrow selfish one none the less.<p>This is not a failure on your part though. It is a failure on your H's part to keep up his part of the marriage.<p>Yes, I'm sure you failed to meet needs and lovebusted. So did he. You only own 50% of the responsibility for the condition of your marriage. You are trying to give yourself far too much power and control by making this all about you. Your H hit a low point, and HE failed, by choosing to have an affair, rather than trying to find a solution to the marriage.<p>Anyone with half a clue about what it takes to keep a marriage together is not going to think less of you. They will think less of your H. Those who may snicker (and I bet there won't be many if at all) aren't exactly people that *I* would care what they thought of me!<p>And besides, here's a little tidbit for you: What other people think about you is none of your business.<p>If they think you failed...does it make it true?<p>Their truths are only your truths if you allow it.<p>Plan A is about proving to yourself, and your spouse that you are NOT a failure.<p>Wishing that reality was different is futile. All it does is impede you from accepting reality and stepping into a healthier, more serene place.<p>And besides, what horrible thing is going to happen if other people look at you and see a fallible human being like the rest of us?<p>Why do you let pride grip you so tightly that you have to maintain a perfect exterior to the outside world? What are you so afraid of?<p>Your secret is eating you from the inside out.<p>Step out of the sickness of isolation and secrecy, practice some humility...and you know what? You may find support and help in the most unexpected places.<p>I'll say it again, til my face is blue! Your H is being aided and abetted by your silence. You are assisting in the destruction of your marriage with your sealed lips. And your illness is progressing the longer you keep the lid on that secret.<p>((((((hugs)))))))<p>Face your fears, talk back to them.<p>As my sponsor used to tell me: The mind is like a dark scarey neighborhood. Never go alone...take a friend with you, and hold hands.<p>You are gonna have to let go of the fear to find recovery.

Hello BR, You so justly deserve the praise of the thread that WAT dedicated to you. I feel honoured that you spend your time helping me. What you have said is not harsh. It is the truth. I have never been able to face my fears. That is such a big part of why my H found someone else. Throughout our marriage, he never told me that he wasn't happy. Yet, I suffered from so many phobias and dsyfunctions that I guess I drove him away or into the arms of someone who could freely love him. The OW has no fear of intimacy or sexual response. I, sadly enough, did. Although my H continued to pledge his unconditional love to me up until the day before his EA went PA, I should have known he was unhappy sexually. As a woman, I should have known. I refused to confront and let fear dictate. Now, I have sought help and am working on that area. However, this is the secret my H holds over my head and the one he threatens me with daily...the one that will come out if anyone finds out about the affair. <p>I am a good person but a stupid one. I am slowly starting to come out of my shell but it is very SLOW but the unfortunate thing is...as my H often reminds me, it's too late for him.<p>Once again, I thank you for replying to my thread.

Terri,
Good Post -- As you can see from the number of responses, this is fairly common dilemma. Either way, it is not all that long 'til Christmas!
Of course it is a little easier to voice an opinion when it is not our own ego & pride on the line. As BS, and as a guy, when a few people learned that my WS was seeing a couple guys, it was a shock I'm sure & I suppose some would assume that I was not a man enough to meet her physical needs.?? For some reason I never assumed that -- I may be built a little different than many guys, but I don't think that other people get all that analytical as to who's fault it is that a S wonders. -- We all know that we did our part in contributing to the marital environment that precipitated the wondering. I believe, whatever the claim is by your H, I would find it hard for others to give him justification, because of things you did or did not do, for doing what he did (whatever that was, I forgot.)
I have a concern when I hear he wants to keep it quiet & that when he knows you are not going to tell anyone, he has an opportunity to spin his tale. I don't know if that matters.
Someone else mentioned the pride thing. From what I read, I see a lot of that in your H. You of course have a right to have some concern for what others may think as well.
It is my perception that nothing gets done in the right away if you are not able to deal with the reality of the situation.
Have you had a chance to review the Dobson book?
Sounds to me that you got a lot of good insights here! Have you & H had more productive communication? Is he being nicer - has he asked to come back? Have you outlined to him what you want to happen or what you see as the next step?
When he says he wants to separate to find happiness, to me, it sounds almost confrontational & very belittling to you. If he persist in that tone, that tells me he is a very selfish person, just thinking of ways to justify his bad behavior & somehow save face -- He may think that he can somehow explain things in such a way to solicit support from your friends, that he is somehow justified to separate -- of course if they don't know that he has an OW, that again makes it seem like he doing the right thing to not deceive you about his feelings. Then I could foresee where he will say that he met this OW after he separated (not logical or right, but I get the impression some people think it is less wrong if a couple are already separated when the A starts!).<p>As I ramble on here, I come back to what most people posted here, when in doubt, the truth is always better.
In the final analysis, whose fault it was & who did what does are only factors in the equation. Where is it going & what are prospects for recovery & who is doing the right thing now, I believe becomes the most important criteria. Trying to cover up to protect the WS just does not sound like the right thing to do. You do not want to destroy his reputation, you are working hard to make this work. You want to preserve some dignity if you reconcile. You know who are your close friends & you know them well enough that they are not likely to spread vicious rumors. I know it easy for us to tell you to not worry about what others say. I can understand that you can't help but be concerned about what others may say, but you have to think hard as to what is right for you; not what others might think. You may even owe this to your D as a role model -- I mean You'll be giving her advice one day to do things for her reasons & not what others want her to do or what she may think her peers may think -- I know this is trite, but perhaps very true.
By allowing him to continue in his make believe world by not being honest with family and/or close friends does not sound right. Lets say you give him through the holidays, what then? Formal separation papers, divorce, martial counseling -- I'm thinking you want to explore with him more about where you are going in the big picture. Have you discussed strategies. Is he is still saying that it is over, that there is no chance for recovery? If that is his tact, you don't seem to have that much to lose if you want to tell a few of your close friends. On the other hand, I can see how you may reason that if you don't make waives by telling others, he won't get mad at you & then you have more of a chance to get him back.
Two weeks now until Christmas &#8230; who cares, before or after? What is the message. I have a hunch he may then suggest waiting until New Years, then after that, &#8220;lets wait until Taxes are due.&#8221; ?? &#8230; I mean when you step back and look at this from a distance, if people are going to talk about it, what difference does it make if they talk about it over Christmas, New Year's, Ground Hog Day ... whatever? [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] I get the sense this is another way he is exercising "his control!" He knows it is perhaps embarrassing to you or you have some reservations, so he is using that to his advantage.
This is why I am think it is better to focus on where you are -- give him the Christmas thing, but what&#8217;s the point of that really? Just seems to be hidden agenda here --- ?? Someone else suggested the year 2023 -- pick a date, what's the difference. He's picked Christmas, OK, perhaps you focus on what happens then.
Try to be realistic though, he has not promised some big reward if you wait until then, right.
I think you should use this time to concentrate on your strategy & how you need to change ... for yourself! Somehow you have to gain some power in this -- I have difficulty negotiating myself, but it seems he makes this point as being important -- by you giving him that, should you have a right to get something in return. I mean no one should always, totally have it their way, all the time -- Make it a point of emphasis -- something that is specific -- call it your &#8220;coming out day&#8221; or something --12/26/01,12/27/01, we mark it on the calendar. Perhaps then you can discuss how it is going to be explained, joint phone call; you call the gal part of couples, he calls guy -- you need to be involved, not just his decision. You can start making plans for this coming out day; the point is you are not making this suggestion, to delay telling people, a reason to avoid the real issues & that he eventually has to live up to his actions. Then this also becomes the date &#8220;we make a decision, go to counseling,&#8221; whatever -- formal Plan B letter from you -- otherwise I can see where he continues strategy of delaying this reality check!
Also, I want to remind you that assuming you eventually tell these friends the truth, buy putting it off you will be telling them that you were deceiving them -- the longer you deceive them the more you become a part of the deception as much as H. If you care or if these people are considered somewhat close, you run the risk of sending them a message that you did not consider them "close." Telling them I found, enhances the feeling of honesty with friends & increases the closeness of relationship. I have a feeling they would not shun him & offer support to both of you for help! Most people have a sense that these things sometimes happen & they have seen movies or read enough to know that it is normally not a good idea to pick sides as such, but to be supportive to both people. They are going to want the two of you to reconcile & they don&#8217;t want to run bridges with that possible outcome. It also occurred to me that your Dear H has not felt any real consequences here -- you feel the blunt of emotions -- abandonment, rejection, ECT. He goes home to email OW, or call or whatever ?? He has his ego feed with attention of OW. What is wrong with this picture?!
It also occurred to me that this relationship with OWE may not be as strong as you may imagine or he may portray it. One thing that happens with Plan B kind of thing &#8211; which Dobson stresses is that the dynamics of the A change &#8211; no longer a secret from S &#8211; takes on new characteristic of are they really well suited as a long term couple, compared to some secrecy & almost clandestine chemistry of this &#8220;forbidden&#8221; relationship. This has more effect of reality when we as BS give WS a message that perhaps we&#8217;ve had enough & WE want the separation! Sometimes we want what is not so readily available & then when it is more accessible, some of that added spice is lost & this is when the A dies of natural causes. Dobson&#8217;s book established strategies where we do not rely so much on the dying of &#8220;natural causes&#8221; &#8211; we press the issue a bit more.
You are a very worth while person & deserve to have rights in all this --
You know that I wonder where he is with OW -- do I remember that she is out of the country. Is she coming back for holidays? I know this would be tough, but could you ask him about this -- if it like my S, these kinds of questions are difficult, because we know they may get upset and they have their way of re-applying the pressure back on us & we cave in & don't pursue the sensitive topics. I know in my situation I struggle with these kinds of decisions and potential conversation. I try to remind myself that I have rights to my questions & concerns & if I always allow my S to dictate the terms & ultimately control me, then although it may seem like things are cool, it may not be --it's like it was before & that wasn't working -- Frankly they may tend to take us for granted!! We have to make some changes too. If your H is naturally more assertive than you, & if you can turn up the assertiveness a little, without going on the attack, that is, not becoming aggressive, this is a trait he will likely appreciate. If he is used to always getting his way, who knows, maybe that gets boring for him and that is a reason he wondered &#8211; wanted more of a challenge ---??? I don&#8217;t know of course, I&#8217;m just trying to build a case for you to consider developing a more assertive front, to at least stick up more for your rights, your feelings, & your needs!
Not easy, I know.
Thanks for update!<p>Peace be with you!
HH [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>[ December 09, 2001: Message edited by: Hurrian Hoosier ]<p>[ December 09, 2001: Message edited by: Hurrian Hoosier ]<p>[ December 10, 2001: Message edited by: Hurrian Hoosier ]</p>

All of your responses on here seem to assume that telling of the separation includes the telling of the A. Why is that necessary? From what I've gathered on many of your recent posts regarding this issue, you and your H are hiding the actual separation from friends and family.<p>True, they will be curious as to why you are separated. That is where YOU have control to tell or not to tell. You can be honest about how neither of you were meeting each others' needs to their fullest capabilities... but whether you choose to tell of your H's answer to the problem by having an A, well, that's up to you. That is where you have the control.<p>You need the support of family and friends right now. As great as we are on here ( [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] ), you know you need more than cyber friends for this.<p>How are you planning on dealing with Christmas without telling anyone until AFTER it? I'll assume you'll be visiting with friends and family during that time, after all, that's what it's all about, right? You cannot put this off for much longer. Personally, I'm surprised you haven't blown yet, b/c you've been keeping so much inside yourself.<p>My vote is still to tell of your situation. If the A part is far too embarrassing for YOU, then hold off on that. But it is a VERY important piece to the puzzle, as we all know. You need to stop protecting your H's A. That is all you are doing right now. You're not allowing the reality of it all to hit home for him... and in the meantime, the A could be getting stronger. IMO, the longer it stays a secret, the stronger the relationship may grow. How do you think THAT will affect your chances of recovery?<p>Karen<p>(just a reminder to feel welcome to email me, and we could talk on the phone, since we're only a couple of hours drive away from each other. topie25@hotmail.com OR 4topie25@rogers.com ).

Terri,
Hope today is a brighter day for you! I went back today & re-did some of my post I did yesterday & I just thought I better mention that if you happened to read it earlier -- it should be a little more understanable now -- sorry for such a lengthy post -- I do get carried away & have difficult time keeping it brief.
Peace,
HH [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]