My displayed name says it all!<p>I have been reading the posts for some time and decided to log in and ask for help.<p>I have unfaithful to my wife since January this year. She found out in June, and I cut off the relationship for about two months. Went back, wife found out again last week.<p>I have read the site materials and read the book "His Needs Her Needs" to try to find some answers. But as much as I try, I can't seem to shake the desire to contact OW. It seems I work hard at it, then at a week point either she calls or I call her.<p>I have read many of the posts here and several make sense. I see myself in the descriptions that wives have about their unfaithful husbands. The posts talking about quotes from the unfaithful spouse: if I haven't said them, I have thought many of them.<p>I hope you can help me through this. I do want to make my marriage whole. I want to have a loving, faithful relationship with my wife. I want to keep my family whole for my kids sake if nothing else.<p>There is so much going on inside me. I would like to have some input from those of you like me and those who have gone through their spouse's unfaithful acts. Your help is appreciated.<p>Married 15 years
Two kids - son 13, daughter 10

Fog, Let me first welcome you to MB and applaud your courage. If this sounds a bit harsh, it's certainly not meant to... <p>You've read a number of the posts here correct? You must have felt the pain and anguish these good people are experiencing. Is the fact that you actions are causing the same sort of anguish for your wife and your family not motivation enough? <p>The only way you're going to shake the desire is to do it. Time and distance, every time you speak with OW, you go back to day one. Just like quitting smoking, you're the only one who can decide to stop. <p>Look to your family for support, if you're a very lucky man, your wife will help you weather the storm. I wish you all the best.

Thanks for the input. You didnt sound harsh at all. Funny, I am now seeing this as an addiction. I never thought I would be addicted to anything.<p>My wife has gone through a lot of emotions over this, from wanting otu to trying to help me. So far she is still with me.<p>We had issues in our marriage and I must say, for her part, she has done a lot in addressing them. I am working hard on getting my head straight. I can see that it is going to be a long road.

Am I in the right forum for this topic?

Yes, you are in the right place.<p>It sounds like you want to make your M work. That's good. If you are willing to re-dedicate yourself to your M, you must never, ever contact the OW again. <p>Read Survivng an Afair. It will explain the no contact letter. You can also find information on it in this site. Basically, you write a letter to OW, stating that you are going to work on your M, you will not contact her again and ask that she not contact you. You then let your wife read it before having it delivered to OW. Sounds hard and harsh I know, but it the very least you owe your wife. Do not deliver it in person. If it is an e-mail, let your wife read it before it is sent. Then thats it. No more contact.<p>Get some counceling, ask your wife to join you.<p>This is a long hard road and these are only the first few baby steps. <p>Feel free to post here, we are mostly BS (betrayed spouses) but there are quite a few WS (wayward spouses) as well. <p>Anyone who wants to rebuild their Marriage is
welcome.<p>Needing

FOG,<p>THE ROAD TO RECOVERY IS NARROW AND DIFFICULT, LIKE RECOVERING FROM AN ADDICTION. IT WILL BE LONG AND DIFFICULT, NEEDING IS CORRECT, CONTACT MUST BEL TERMINATED. TRY AND REMEMBER BACK TO WHEN YOU STARTED YOUR RELATIONSHIP WOTH YOUR SPOUSE, IF EITHER ONE OF YOU HAD SUSTAINED CONTACT WITH A LOVER (CURRENT OR PAST) WOULD THE RELATIONSHIP SURVIVE? wOULD YOU HAVE GOTTEN MARRIED?
IF YOUR SPOUSE SUPPORTS YOU ENTERING MB AND IS WILLING TO DO IT WITHYOU , SCHEDULE A CALL WITH THE HARLEY'S AND STICK IT OUT. PERSERVERNECE AND FORTITUDE ARE QUALITY TRAITES IN A HUMAN BEING.

FOG:<p>(((hug)))<p>Yeah, you're a "dog", but I am happy you have enough brains & heart to be here to ask for help & advice.<p>I recently picked up a $1.00 book called "Addiction to Adultery", it was great.<p>Happily married, successful man has 3+ year A.
No reason it started, just happened, but he couldn't get out of it...no matter what. He lost his job, reputation & almost his family. Ended up having a nervous breakdown!! Why? He was addicted to this OW. Just couldn't stop. Knew it was wrong, knew he was hurting his W & family, but just couldn't end it.<p>Sound anything like you? I think we all are addicted to our lovers. I was addicted to my H when we were first dating & I think he was addicted to me...then we got married & reality
set in.<p>We ALL can remember that "In Love" feeling, but it takes a mature, strong, committed person to ride the real waves of a real relationship.<p>I don't think anyone has that "in love" "addicted" feeling forever. It comes & goes & eventually sttles into something very special.<p>If you left your W for the OW I can guarantee that at some point the "addiction" will wear off.<p>Think with your brains !!!!<p>Put the OW in your W shoes. Pretend the OW is your W. Talk to her the same way, treat her the same way, think about her the same way....She'll dump you pretty quick.<p>Keep posting....I want to see you stay married & give up the OW......please. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by louser:<p>Happily married, successful man has 3+ year A.
No reason it started, just happened, but he couldn't get out of it...no matter what. He lost his job, reputation & almost his family. Ended up having a nervous breakdown!! Why? He was addicted to this OW. Just couldn't stop. Knew it was wrong, knew he was hurting his W & family, but just couldn't end it.<p>Sound anything like you?[/QB]<hr></blockquote><p>This ALL sounds like me. None of these things has happened, YET! I do feel like one or all of them can happen though.<p>I came here because I just can't seem to get out of it on my own. I have seem some of the help you all have given each other, and I am hoping that you can help see me through this. As you might be able to tell, I see the logic of it all, but the feelings just keep drawing me back.<p>I am sorry to eb so self-centered on this right now, but this is consuming me so much at this point. I will look over the information that you have recommended here and will work to start applying them.<p>FLPS

Reading your postings, I wonder if you're my husband! Your story seems to so similar! Unfortunately, he left again last week for the 3rd time. I still want him back and pray ever day that we'll get that chance!<p>As far as advise, "just do it." Be strong take it one day at a time and never look back! Try to see the negatives of the OW and the positives of your family. My WH s*cks at this and that's why he's back with her!<p>It's really doing a number on our kids too! I know that we could have a super marriage! The best ever, but he has to make that decision! Just like you do!<p>You can have a great marriage, but it's up to you! I know one thing for sure, your wife is going through he** because of this!<p>Le

FLPS-
Hi Fog. I'm a female former WS. My d-day was over 1.5 years ago. Withdrawal was hard for me, but for some reason, the fog left pretty fast. My marriage is doing well now. <p>When I first heard the idea of addiction associated with affairs, it really made sense to me. Although, like you I was shocked that I could get addicted to something like the attention/affection of the OM. But I did, and you are. It is a very hard cycle to break. You are having a hard time separating fom the OW, and when you feel low, lonely, misunderstood, you know she will understand. Right? Happens to a lot of WS. But how similar does that sound to an alcoholic? Feel bad, drink. Start over.<p>I'm no expert, but one thing you can do is get an expert to help. Get counseling, have someone to turn to when you feel weak. Come up with strategies to avoid situations that allow you to contact OW. Find ways in advance to do something different. A counselor might help. People say the telephone counseling by the Harleys is good.<p>Things I did was set up ways that my H would know if I contacted OM. When I had lonely sad days, I wrote in a journal, I wrote to my H, I called a friend to go out to lunch. Figure out when you are most vulnerable to call her, and try to set up mechanisms to avoid those situations. <p>Are you at a point where you could send her a no cantact letter? Would she respect your wish to not contact her anymore?<p>Your affair was on an off for about a year, right? You won't get over the relationship instantly. It takes hard work. Things that help are to imagine talking to your children about the kind of person you are, and the kind of role model you want to be. Try looking foward 10, 20 years, and seeing where you want to be. At your kids' college graduation, with their mother? Having the knowledge that you made a bad mistake in you marriage, but the guts to fix it? <p>You can do this. You know what is right/wrong, or you wouldn't be asking for support.

Fog,<p>I, too, am a WS and I must echo what the others have said. You must tell the OW not to contact you anymore and be firm about it. If you can't do it by phone (and stick to it) then do it by letter. You must make her understand that you love your wife and want to make your marriage work. It will be hard, I'm sure, but the most rewarding joys come after hard work.<p>Take the Emotional Needs questionnaire and ask your wife if she will, too. It opened my eyes to many things I had ignored for a long time. It helped me remember what a lucky chick I am to have a husband like mine (who is no masterpiece yet but is a great 'work in progress'). <p>Remember, we are here 24/7--anytime you feel like you can't remain on the straight and narrow and can't talk to W, come talk to us. We're here to support each other and these guys here do a great job!

Dear Fog,
My heart goes out to you!!!!!!!!!
I don't know how to create links in here but please take the time (if you haven't already) to find my thread and read it. It is here in this section, titled "My LONG Story...". I will go back and bump it up so it is easier to find...
I know what you are talking about!! It IS an addiction, the OP in our A's fills a void, either real or only percieved. We get our "High" from talking to them and having contact with them. But you have expressed love for your spouse and the desire to make this work. THEREFORE you can do it.
It took me almost having my divorce final, losing friends, losing a job and ALL SELF RESPECT before I got the kick in the A** I needed. The power is within yourself. You may be feeling scared...like you just don't know HOW to do this. COME HERE OFTEN!!! Talk to you W about it. CCall a friend who supports our M instead of calling OW. When I tried to quit contact with OM, it was HARD. I called him throughout the day so often...So instead I called my brother, was totally HONEST with him and said I could use his help. When I felt the urge to call OM, I called him instead, Just told him I needed him for a minute until the urge was gone. I did this with H too, and a friend of mine. At first, I was a llittle bit embarressed, I am a grown adult, why can't I do this? BECAUSE I WAS ADDICTED and the fog kept me there. Calling THEM instead of HIM helped me tremendously. I only neede a minute or two, they knew I didn't want to talk about THAT, just give me time to get over yearning to call. I also told my boss and she was wonderfully supportive as well.
I hope this helps a bit, you are certainly in the right place. I DO know how you feel, A LOT here do. Give yourself the gift of posting here instead of calling her, it will do wonders for YOU!!! Not to mention your marriage!
[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

A ray of hope in the otherwise dark morning. Fog, you've expressed what I believe every BS wants to hear. If the desire to restore your marriage and family is truly there, I believe wholeheartedly that it is possible. Good luck to you on your long journey ahead. And thank you for the sunshine. My prayers are with you, your wife, and your kids.

Hey Fog:<p>How's it going today?? You've been given alot of great advice, I hope it helps.<p>Remember your marriage takes the both of you to mend....let your wife in on the mending. She has a part too.

Thanks for all of your support and valuable insight. I am sure you all will be of help to me and I will come back often.<p>Moving Forward: I can assure you that I am not your husband. I am still living with my wife and have not had any separations. Besides, if you were my wife, you would have said something directly to me by now.<p>Help, Help, Help is all I ask right now. I hope you will listen to me, not criticize me if I sound like I am faltering and help me find ways to come. I have already seen some good suggestions.<p>Perhaps soon I will be able to change my displayed name on this site.<p>FLPS

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>How's it going today?? You've been given alot of great advice, I hope it helps.<p><hr></blockquote><p>I'm doing OK, Louser. Day by day, with help from you guys, I think I can make it. I feel pretty good about it right now, can you tell?

Fog-<p>Here's the link that Mrs WLD was talking about:
Click Here<p>In one of the books, I think SAA (Surviving an Affair) it mentions EXTREME MEASURES to avoid contact. If you are having a weak feeling, tell your W about it, the two of you can then devise a plan to AVOID whatever set off the feelings of weakness. If you feel like calling OW, call your W. Tell that you're having a hard time and ask her to talk to you, tell you how she loves you. If you can't do that, then post here, or call someone else. This is excellent advice.<p>Good luck to you, may my WS have your strength some time soon.<p>Kev

fog,<p>i dont know if my wh reads these anymore, but i wish you two could help each other thru this. i think he feels like you but wont get help or doesnt know how to. i wish he could read this thread. how can i get that to happen without being obvious?

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Dancer:
<strong>fog,<p>i dont know if my wh reads these anymore, but i wish you two could help each other thru this. i think he feels like you but wont get help or doesnt know how to. i wish he could read this thread. how can i get that to happen without being obvious?</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Dancer:<p>I don't know how to get him to read it without being obvious. My question is, if he is like me and looking for a way to get his feelings back for you, what's wrong with being obvious. <p>Maybe I know the answer. When I am deep in the fog, I don't want any help from my W. In fact, I hate to say that I feel like she is the enemy, even thought I know she is not.<p>I know I love my wife. I know that I need to keep my marriage and my family whole. I just keep saying these things to myself to keep me from contacting the OW. I need to use these statements to keep me strong.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Clouds:
[QB]FLPS-<p>Are you at a point where you could send her a no cantact letter? Would she respect your wish to not contact her anymore?<p><hr></blockquote><p>I have been contemplating the No Contact letter. I have even started writing one. When I send it, I do not know what kind of response I will get.