I had just recently found out that my H had another affair, making it A number 3. Needless to say I'm pretty angry & hurt that after all the progress I thought we made it happened again. I remember last time someone posting to me saying, 'are you ready to change some of your behaviors or letting your H have another affair?"<p>Well - I did change my behavior, I tried to use everything I learned here & in counseling to meet his EN. The problem seems to be, that my H let my PA change his outlook on life. I don't know how I can change that, especially since I tried so hard for 1 1/2 years now. At anyrate - after an angry outburst last night, I threw my H out. <p>Today, once all the dust settled, we decided that we really need to separate for a little while. We'll do joint counseling starting next week and after 30 days and counseling, we'll figure out the next steps. In the meantime, he is free to come home, use his key, hang out, whatever, and we'll start to date, beginning this Friday. <p>Right now, I know that it's unfair for me to keep starting angry outbursts at him (major LB) and he feels that his being gone is his own punishment and opportunity for him to start fresh. I'm sure it's not the most conventional arrangement for some, but I'm hopeful that some good will come out of this. <p>I just hate to keep saying, oh come home let's fix it without some teeth being put to it. Maybe during this time, he'll figure out what he has to do to change himself. All I know is that I'm gonna have a head full of gray hair in a few days if I don't find some peace in this marriage. I sure hope that I have a recovery story to add to this board in a few months.<p>Vee

Hi Vee,<p>Sorry to see you here again. It occurs to me that we need to start this all over and review the bidding so to speak. Do you mind if I rehash old business before going to the new stuff? I hope not. I remember posting to you when you first came here but I don't remember a lot of the details.<p>How long ago was your A?
Why did you have the A? Need some history here as you can tell.
You don't have children do you?<p>If I recall he played football, does he still?
Is that in anyway part of the problem? I mean the life style sort of problem?<p>Now he has had 3 A's. What is his reasoning (yeah right. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ) for having these affairs?<p>Does he give you any clues as to the missing needs or do you think this is as much about revenge as anything?<p>Now to the present. If you are separating but he is going to be able to cruise over to your place any old time, why are you separating? What do you hope to accomplish if you do separate?<p>What does he hope to accomplish with the separation? Is this the "heart will grow fonder" type of theory?<p>Vee, why do you want to persist in the marriage? I mean this seriously. Where are your goals here and where are his.<p>If necessary can you move on? I realize you don't want to, but you two have been married only 4 years and he has had 3 A's and you 1 A. There is something missing here. That is why I am asking all of these questions.<p>Finally, was your H very conservative with respect to marriage vows up to your A? Is he living out some fantasy that his previous convection would have never allowed?<p>As you can see I have ALOT more questions that I have answers. In fact, I at this point don't know what to offer in the way of advice, but I suspect if you are willing to answer my "20 questions", then someone here can offer some advice.<p>I really wish I could help right now with just the right advice, but I cannot. In any event, hang in there and think about these questions.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

JL -
Sorry but as usual, you are right - here is my history lesson briefly:<p>In 1998 I had a PA while my H was overseas in the military. At that time, I was depressed, newlywed, missing my H. I was also starting the midst of a depression. My H never seemed IMHO able to give me support whenever I told him how sad I was back home. H was dealing with the same issues I was only add to the fact that he was a Marine. <p>Once my H got home, I was angry, by the time he got home, I had ended physical contact with OM, but not phone calls. After a few weeks, I ended it flat out with OM. H found out about the PA through some friends in 1999 and in Jan of 2000 he started a PA with a co-worker. It lasted about 6 months until I finally had enough of his late night outings. This was June 2000. I came to MB before I knew of his PA trying to get our lives back on the right track. In I think August, Sept 2000, I started individual counseling. H started to come to the counseling sessions and I thought we were making progress. <p>In Feb 2001, I found out about PA #2. I was furious; he promised he would change and things seemed to be ok. We found out I was pg in June, only for it to end in a miscarriage. Since that time, I continued on with life, depressed about the m/c, but it seemed ok. I even commented on how we were doing better. Now, I just found out about PA#3.<p>Yes - H does still play football. That has been our bone of contention. I don't like his teammates because they have no respect for what relationships are supposed to be. Which happens to be how the new OW says they met. <p>As his reasoning - it seems pretty simple, he has no idea what marriage is supposed to be now. He thinks that these things happen and it is ok. He used to have a conservative view, but seems to have lost his place and footing on what to do next. This last one, he claims was 'nothing'. He thinks that he did nothing wrong - imagine that [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] ! That was what pushed me over the edge. <p>As for separation - not a 'heart grows fonder deal'. He sees this as his punishment and what he needs to do in order to give me some time alone and some time for him to sort out his life.<p>Why do I persist. Truthfully - I want my marriage to work. I really do. The problem here is that my love bank is currently way overdrawn. I told him last night that I have nothing left. My goal I think, is to give me some time to sort out where I stand with him. I can't do that with him here. Mainly because I'm angry when I see him. <p>Goals - I don't know. I haven't made it that far. The ones I made when I was counseling seemed to hinder on trust that he never made an effort to rebuild. If he could start to help put those pieces back together - it would help me out a lot. <p>Can I move on - yes. I can. we have no kids so I'm only trying to save something for myself here. <p>JL - I think that after we discussed my PA, I tried to do a number of things to show him I was trustworthy. He knows I am, but the question here seems to boil down to what he could do to change himself.<p>Next - H calls before he comes by. He won't just 'show-up' without letting me know first. He will have to come by to get some things and see his dog and I'm ok with that. Mainly because, I'm not here when he comes by. I work part-time at night in addition to my full-time job and his stays aren't that long. He has moved his entertainment equipment out, so it's not a 2 hour stay. More like 10-15 minutes.<p>Hope this update gives everyone someplace to start.
Vee

Ok Vee,<p>Well, my first suggestion is lose the anger. There used to be someone who posted here whose sign off banner was a quote by Weizman: "The opposite of love is not anger, it is indifference."<p>If you think about this abit, I think before you do anything serious you need to get out of the anger stage. If you are still angry you are not ready to move on.<p>I don't know how religious you or H are, but perhaps something along those lines might help get him back on track with respect knowing what marriage is about. If he plays on Sunday, then there are groups that meet then as well.<p>Vee, it seems that in some way you broke his faith in himself when you had your A. You cannot fix that but you can fix yourself. I noticed after I posted to you, that you posted to Mrs WLD that you are not a very affectionate person, but apparently you were with OM.<p>You also said that your H was very insecure about OM from a personal stand point. I mean I understand about being insecure, but I got the impression that he felt he didn't offer you as much as OM. Has that been settled and what was the issue?<p>I quess I am really trying to say you need to work on yourself here. But, I also know that you have been trying for a long time. Yet, something is not fitting. Have you talked with H about this? I don't think being separated from you is going to be his punishment unless his attitude about marriage is changing. It would seem it is a bit premature to think that is happening.<p>So short recommendations would be work on the affection thing and really address your anger at him. It is better than indifference, but it hinders you in ways you cannot see, but your H may be picking up. It sounds like he isn't a very confident man (most of us aren't when it comes to women [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] ) and your anger and lack of affection seem to be playing right into the OW's hands.<p>Well, that is the best I can offer right now. Oh! one last thing. Please accept my condolences on the m/c. I know that hurt you deeply.<p>God Bless,<p>JL