I'm not sure if any of you saw my post on Internet porn and my H's problem with it. I installed a logger that records screenshots. Turns out that he's been spending hours of every day - and all ungodly hours of the night - viewing porn on the Internet. It's not the sweet, candy-coated Playboy porn; it's fetish porn, interracial porn, and stuff that I don't even want to describe. When I'm talking hours, I mean the whole, entire day (he is unemployed). Our sex life is null and void. <p>While this is not particularly troublesome to me (subjectively), I do wonder if this is an addiction. I'm not a prude, and know that many men view porn every now and then. Heck, I'll admit it - I clicked on a few of the porn sites out of curiosity just to see what was "out there." But that was only a couple of times, and that sated my curiosity.<p>I'm not going to say anything about it to him. Frankly, he wouldn't change, he'd just find a way to hide it and keep doing the same thing. Plus, if it keeps him off of the streets, I supposed that's better than him coming down with an STD or getting a woman pregnant. I keep finding out all of these nasty new dimensions to H ... when we got married, I never dreamed he would be attracted to looking at this stuff. Never. Does this sound like a porn addiction? What is going on here?<p>belld

Not ot sound disgusting but In my opinion maybe you could sit with him and watch. Either it will deter him away or you get turned on. You could then ask him to watch only with you then so you don't feel offended. <p>Tell him you know he does and you are curious too.

Belld,<p>I have my own theory about what happens to men when they get older. Not ALL men, but enough that I'd say it's a male species age definer, and addiction to HARD core porn is one of the symptoms, IMVHO. Lora and I have had several interesting convos about this.<p>I'm not a prude either, the porn I'm referring to includes, what I would call, unnatural acts ... <p>My H started viewing on-line HARD core porn pre-affair and all the way thru it. The OW was sending him links and they'd experiment in emulating what they shared on-line, that, and buy sex props or devices to enhance things ... Now that's what I call REAL love ... BARF! Can you say "Pornmantic"?<p>I don't think you can really stop them from viewing it, you'd have to be Deputy Wife all the time, or rid your home of all computers, not feasible. I hate thinking we would just have to accept it. But what else can you do?<p>Jo<p>[ December 13, 2001: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Go to your favourite web browser (yahoo, etc), and do a search for "sexual addiction". You'll get loads of sites that you can check out to get the answers you may seek.<p>I have visited many sites relating to sexual addiction. My H is one of the ones on here who couldn't get enough of it. He too, used to be up all night looking through porn sites. Then downloading pics, burning them on cd's, etc. He would do this before and during his online 'romances' and 'friendships' with other women. I'm not saying the two actions are always related, but there's a good chance of it IMO. Our sex life was next to nil at that time as well. Why wouldn't it be? He didn't have any 'urges', because he was releasing them many times a day/night in front of the computer pictures. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>There are agencies out there who can help you with dealing with your H. Just like any addiction, the addict cannot and WILL not change until they are aware of their addiction, and see it as a problem. Some of the sites have checklists you can answer (for your H) to see if he really does have a problem too.<p>And just like al-anon for family members of alcoholics, there are groups for family members of sexual addicts. It wouldn't hurt to find out what is available in your area.<p>Karen

Thanks for the thoughts, guys. I am processing all of this. While I'd like to say that I'm shocked at this revelation, I'm really not. He lied to me before about viewing porn and calling those "free" numbers here in town where people are slumming around in bars waiting to "hook up" with strangers.<p>Someone - an acquaintance of mine and my H - once said, "You know, there's something about _____ that's a mystery. You never really feel as though you know the real him." I've had that feeling throughout our marriage - that there are a lot of things that he's hidden from me, and will continue to hide. <p>I'm going to check up on sexual addiction now - just for grins.<p>belld

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by belldandy:
<strong>Someone - an acquaintance of mine and my H - once said, "You know, there's something about _____ that's a mystery. You never really feel as though you know the real him." I've had that feeling throughout our marriage - that there are a lot of things that he's hidden from me, and will continue to hide.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>
Good Gaaawwwd, Belld ... I've had people say that about my H as well. That really gave me shivers up my spine when I read that. Yiiiikes!<p>Jo

Isn't it funny how the very things that attract you to a person sometimes come back to bite you in the butt? (sheepish grin) That "mystery" was what attracted me to my H. Being a romantic, I wondered what potentuous, quixotic things were running through his mind. Was he planning to write the Great American Novel? (He's a great writer) Was he thinking about the book he read that week? It used to intrigue me, because I attached an importance to his "mystery" - his private self - that wasn't there.<p>I have a rule ... never write anything down that you'd be ashamed of others seeing one day. This includes things in my own journal. I am a private person ... but I also have nothing to hide that is worth being ashamed of, or something that I would have to deny to save face. But that was just me projecting my own values onto my H again. Silly, silly me. <p>I know that a lot of people bagged on SNL about his views about his marriage and getting the right "fit." But how do you know what the right "fit" is, if the person who claims to love you continues to hide themselves in a place that's deep, deep down and far away? I sometimes feel that I'd have a better chance of rooting bid Laden out of his mega-story caves than I would finding out about my own H. <p>And that's the sad truth. I wish I could find out something about my H that would really impress me ... just blow me away. But I can't find anything.<p>belld

belldandy and the others - yes, it's an addiction that affects his marriage, and apparently his ability to hold a job.<p>If he is at all open to learning more about this, try the book The Silent War by Henry Rogers. This talks about the impact on women involved in the porn industry, and their attitudes toward customers, with some real-life stories. It's too easy to think porn is victimless, and if he has an open mind, this book should help to dispel that. There are some other Christian-based, "suck it up and beat it" books, and I think Every Man's Battle is the best of those, but I don't think that approach really cuts the mustard.<p>He can't make any progress at all while having Internet access at home. It would be like an alcoholic living in a bar, or a gambler living in a casino. If it's feasible, if you can get to the MB site from work or the library, for example, and kids can use the Internet at school (or the library), then cancel your ISP service. If it's not feasible, look in the phone book for an ISP that filters sites and blocks newsgroup access. The home-based filtering is just too easy to circumvent, and the logging stuff only verifies what he's done. It won't stop him.<p>Whether you guys divorce or not, this will ruin his life like any other addiction, unless he can fix it.

tmmx,<p>Those are very practical ideas ... however, as someone on another board pointed out to me, when it comes to an addiction like this, it cannot be controlled. The individual inevitably finds a way to cover their tracks better unless they seek intervention. I know that from my own experience with my H that when he's found out, he doesn't stop ... he just goes more and more undercover so I don't find out.<p>The irony is ... I'm not mad about it. In fact, I pretty much knew for a very long time. Gut feeling. When your H doesn't have sex with you for about six months, you *know* that something's not right. I knew that there was a) either another OW; or b) he was finding a "safer" outlet to cheat. My browser's "http" window automatically routes me to my favorite sites as soon as I enter a few letters in the window. Didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that places like www.hotbabessuckingdildos.com (made up site name, BTW) *wasn't* a site that I'd ever visited. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Another irony ... he probably would have had less of a chance of me finding out about this had he paid a prostitute or taken up with another OW. And I would have cared about the same ... cheating is cheating. A sexual relationship that takes away from the marriage, be it a real person or a mindless stranger on a website, is cheating to me. Does anybody else feel this way, or am I just old fashioned and romantic?<p>belld

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by belldandy:
<strong>tmmx,<p>Those are very practical ideas ... however, as someone on another board pointed out to me, when it comes to an addiction like this, it cannot be controlled. The individual inevitably finds a way to cover their tracks better unless they seek intervention. I know that from my own experience with my H that when he's found out, he doesn't stop ... he just goes more and more undercover so I don't find out.<p>The irony is ... I'm not mad about it. In fact, I pretty much knew for a very long time. Gut feeling. When your H doesn't have sex with you for about six months, you *know* that something's not right. I knew that there was a) either another OW; or b) he was finding a "safer" outlet to cheat. My browser's "http" window automatically routes me to my favorite sites as soon as I enter a few letters in the window. Didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that places like www.hotbabe******dildos.com (made up site name, BTW) *wasn't* a site that I'd ever visited. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Another irony ... he probably would have had less of a chance of me finding out about this had he paid a prostitute or taken up with another OW. And I would have cared about the same ... cheating is cheating. A sexual relationship that takes away from the marriage, be it a real person or a mindless stranger on a website, is cheating to me. Does anybody else feel this way, or am I just old fashioned and romantic?<p>belld</strong><hr></blockquote><p>(edited to take out my made up site, 'cause apparently one really exists ... stupid me ...)

Belldandy,<p>Whether he's meeting someone in real life, viewing porn, chatting online, viewing webcams, having cybersex in NetMeetings, having a passionate sexual liason or an emotional affair via the telephone, it's all betrayal. He's broken his vow to be faithful to you, to forsake all others.<p>All men do not use porn. All people do not think that porn use is an okay thing to do. I find it all to be disgusting. Check out my profile to read volumes of what I have written on my situation with a husband who cheated online again and again. I think it has finally stopped but it has taken me having a nervous breakdown, going into counselling once again and taking anti-depressants for him to see how much he has damaged me, our relationship and our family. It took all of this for him to decide he was needing to change.<p>Porn is poison for healthy marriages...JMO<p>Bluebird