I have thought long and hard ,written letters which were never sent but i still feel that if I make one contact with OW it will give me great relief and closure. I see here a tide of overwhelming misery which in part is brought about by current attitudes which condone and encourage infidelity by trivialising and glamourising and making a joke of it . I for one had never given it a thought until it happened to me .Now that I have read books and visited this site i can see how widespread is the damage that is caused .I amthinking of parcelling up the books that I have read and sending them to the ow who I know has a very rudimentary idea of the incredible damage she has caused.i think public awareness is essential here and i would like her to ponder the consequences of her actions not through any personal abuse from me but through awareness of the general concept that affairs are never just for the fun of it .

H20 -<p>If you do this, make sure you send her a fruitcake, too. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>But seriously. Do you think this would help the OW, given your own circumstances? Getting a person to part with his/her version of subjective reality, no matter how harmful it is to other people, is dicey at best. Look at that 20-year-old American kid captured in Afghanistan for a more extreme example.<p>I'm not questioning your desire to do this, H20 ... but I do wonder if it would really matter to the OW?<p>belld

H2O,
Sorry if I sound harsh ...<p>Why don't you get busy on your self to plan A'ng your H instead ?. I saw your threads on this matter and every time you try to find new or old reasons to send it. Don't you know that you can not change a person unless they are willing to ?. Stop your obsessions w/ OW, let it go !. I do not see you doing any plan A at all and working on your M but bitterly expressing your anger at him and OW.<p>Ask yourself about M !, do you want to save it and work on it ?. Loving and romantic M not the one that you are in now and not the one that you are settling for. I could not find your profile but even at old age (gray panthers) they are finding their happiness.<p>IMVHO, take a look at your very first post and read Z replay's. Follow the general welcome for new MB'er ... it is never too late for M and if it is proven too late you could move on w/ holding your head high & peace within you.

Dear H20,
My need to speak with and reason with OW was very great at one time. After trying to get her to "see" what she was doing and having HER question MY faith in God, I have given up. A person that is walking in sin will not HEAR anything you have to say. They are too busy justifying their behavior. Please let it go. Your H will only blame you and feel sorry for your abuse of OW. Please, PLEASE let it go.<p>MOM

I agree with everyone else. I don't think this is a good idea.<p>First of all...you can't teach someone that isn't willing to be taught.
You can't change someone...they have to want to.<p>Not only will this NOT make you feel better....but this will also give the OW a reason to actually start contact up again in my opinion.<p>I think that sometimes we tend to forget that the OW wasn't the only party in the A. That our WS also had a part.....yet we direct all of our anger at the OW/OM. Why....because they are the perfect person to set all the blame on and because we love our WS's too much to stay angry at them for too long.....but our WS's are still t fault here too.<p>Why not just worry about you and your M and let the OW figure all this out on her own. She shouldn't have any place in your life anymore....whether they be good or bad thoughts.

OK, I disagree with everyone...sort of. I did have contact with the OW...I felt the need to confront that which offended me. I am not sorry I did. I know now what I am dealing with...a sad, lonely, desperate woman who will "love" my h forever and always wait for him. Check out how long the A lasted...she doesn't even know him.<p>Even though I knew I would not make her see, even though I knew she was not sorry, I HAD to have my say. BUT it did start up one incident of contact when she called my H.I didn't tell him(my failing) about contacting her and he was angry with me for putting us in the position of having her thinking she was "back in". She wasn't.<p>My advice would be tell your H what you want to do...and accept that the OW will probably view this as an opportunity to talk to your H. Do you want that? I did not...but at least he told me about it. All I kept saying was I wanted her out of my life...and I went ahead and reopened the door. I said before I was not sorry I did it..I'm not ...I let go of her a little more after that. Just make sure those are your motives...Say your piece and let GO. <p>My feelings about the OW are a little different from all as well. I do not forgive her,she DID not wrong me.OH Yeah, she participated but if it hadn't been her, it would have been someone else.She owed me nothing, she did not owe me loyalty or honesty or fidelity. MY H did and I place the responsibility solely on his shoulders. He had EVERY opportunity to run from this woman and chose not to. He did as much seducing as she did.

As an xOW, I think that if you send her the books it may make you feel better, but for her it won't make a bit of difference.<p>what is it that they say: "When the student is ready, teachers appear."<p>She won't see it differently until she's ready to see it differently!<p>I don't suggest this necessarily, but if you want her to see you as a real person, call her. Let her hear your voice or see your face. Demystify yourself.

Don't waste the psotage. She won't care, and it won't make her feel bad. Stick with concentrating on your marriage.

Thankyou all for the input.I have taken all your points particularly the one about her not promising any loyalty to me. They say alls fair in love and war and thats the way she played it.I decided yet again to bury her under 10 ft of concrete. Trouble is she keeps popping out to haunt me <p>I dont care what she thinks I would like to level with her as a matter of principle I feel that by saying nothing I am condoning what happened. <p>As far as my relationship with my h is concerned it has never been better he is plan Aing me so I cant grumble it could be a lot worse.

Thankyou all for the input.I have taken all your points particularly the one about her not promising any loyalty to me. They say alls fair in love and war and thats the way she played it.I decided yet again to bury her under 10 ft of concrete. Trouble is she keeps popping out to haunt me <p>I dont care what she thinks I would like to level with her as a matter of principle I feel that by saying nothing I am condoning what happened. <p>As far as my relationship with my h is concerned it has never been better he is plan Aing me so I cant grumble it could be a lot worse.