Our marriage, and life in general, is pretty much back to normal...pretty much like it was before all this **** turned everything upside down. But I am not satisfied. When he told me about his affairs, he said he would spend the rest of his life trying to make it up to me. That didn't last long. Now I think he is perfectly content with things the way they are. And why shouldn't he be? I seldom bring up the affairs or relationship "stuff" anymore. Sex has been good for the most part (except lately, I think my increasing resentment is interfering with my desire and enthusiasm). <p>I feel very selfish when I start wondering, "OK, when is it my turn to get something out of this?" At first, he would occasionally at least try to meet my need for affection. But I know it doesn't come naturally to him. And I don't want it to come across as forced or insincere affection. Should I just accept this as the way it's going to be? How can I request more effort on his part in a non-LB way? My love for him is dying. I'm tired of staying just because it's the right thing to do.<p>Please, anyone, can you tell me what to do? <p>(Also posted In Recovery)

You already know part of the answer...<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>How can I request more effort on his part in a non-LB way?<hr></blockquote><p>You know that you HAVE to tell him, you just don't know HOW TO DO IT. I don't know anything about your story, like how long it's been and all. But for now, that's irrelevant.<p>Here's what I wish MY wife had done when her love for me was dying.<p>I wish she'd have sat me down, sat close in front of me and taken my face in her hands. I wish she would have told me that she loved me and didn't want to say hurtful things to me, but that she felt that she needed to be perfectly honest with me. I wish she would have told me that she was falling out of love with me because her needs weren't being met. I wish she would have enumerated the needs that weren't being met, and in what ways they weren't being met. I wish she would have told me that if something, ANYTHING didn't change, she was afraid that our marriage wouldn't survive. I wish she would have asked me for my help to restore her love for me. I wish she would have asked me to get the help I needed for MY problems, so that I could return some of the love she was giving me.<p>I don't know if any of this helps, but it sure would have made a difference for me.<p>Kev

Thanks for being so open, kev. I would like to say those things, but I don't want to hurt my H's feelings. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] <p>But your suggestions (or wishes) for how she sat down with you, told you she loved you, etc., were very good. I think I'll give it a try. I sure don't have anything to lose!

To help us, I did the ENQ and asked H to as well. It really helped me understand some of his needs and how I could better meet them.<p>Did you ever try writing him a letter (that you DON'T give to him) and just letting it all out? Sometimes I 'talk' to him when I'm alone in the car...I can say whatever I feel, imagine his always *perfect* responses and I feel better when I've vocalized what I'm feeling. It's out in the universe and I feel better. <p>He's not a mind reader, I asusme. Like kev says, communicate. Say it once, say it again. Let him know what you're feeling (in a constructive, non LB way) and get his feedback. Talk, talk, talk.<p>btw, what is "normal"?<p>[ December 13, 2001: Message edited by: diddallas ]</p>

I like how Kev started this:

<strong>I wish she'd have sat me down, sat close in front of me and taken my face in her hands. I wish she would have told me that she loved me and didn't want to say hurtful things to me, but that she felt that she needed to be perfectly honest with me. I wish she would have told me that she was falling out of love with me because her needs weren't being met. I wish she would have enumerated the needs that weren't being met... I wish she would have asked me for my help to restore her love for me.
</strong><p>Does anyone have any suggestions one how I could make this a little more light-hearted? I want it to be encouraging, where he'll want to try a little harder. I don't want him to think I'm unaware of or ungrateful for the things he does do, just let him know that some of those things aren't really what I want or need.<p>We did the questionnaires several months ago. I think if I pull them out again, he'll get defensive. "Things have been going good, why are you trying to stir things up again...?"<p>Thanks for any input.

I would say "I love you, man" like they do in that beer commercial, just for an opener.<p>I would maybe read over the questionnaires again and without actually having them in hand, ask him to maybe clarify some of the comments, etc. Then that might open the way for you to mention some of the things you are concerned about.

The fact that you've filled out the questionaires previously gives you the PERFECT opportunity to revisit them. I believe in SAA it suggests that you go over them every say, six months.... kind of as a marriage tune-up. If it's only been 3 months- then it's a quarterly tune-up, if it's only been 3 weeks- well then, it's a 3-week check-up. Get the drift?<p>Nothing says that the meeting of EN should be a one time thing.... Quite the contrary, we must strive to do that for the rest of our married lives.<p>Schedule a "tune-up" with your H and then you can fill out the questionaires again, (because needs change) and review them.<p>Good luck,
Kev