Well, I just found MB on Saturday 12/01/01. That was the night my wife of eight years told me she didn't know how she felt about me and she didn't know if she wnted to be married anymore.<p>I hit the web looking for answers as I was devistated. We had been having "trouble" throughout the marriage and we have not been able to communicate our needs to one another. I wished I had found this site long ago, but none the less, it's water under the bridge now. I have had two affairs on my wife in our eight years. The first was a friend at work that just got friendlier and I allowed it to progress to an affair. We ended it very quickly when I realized the amount of guilt I felt and I realized, I valued my marriage the most. The second was more of a drunken mistake than an affair. I operate a small business and a group of us went to a concert one night. The OW was along and she really paid attention to me and after a little too much alcohol, we fell into bed together. After that we talked and she was fulfilling the needs I wasn't getting at home; but, I quickly realized that she was nearly a fatal attration type woman. My wife found the telephone records and questioned the calls by calling this OW and realized the OW was a model/dancer. My wife and I fought and of course I lied. We agreed to go to counseling and for some reason we never did. We even had the number for a local counselor on the kitchen table and neither of us ever called. I guess that was my lithmus test to her to see how badly I wanted her in my life. Things just started to improve and we were actually communicating pretty well and I had emotionally committed to doing "everything" I thought she needed. I work full time as a police officer and run a business as well. My time at home was very low.<p>We have two wonderful children ages 7 and 4. I had decided I was going to leave my wife before our son was born. I was moving out on a Wednesday and she told me she was pregnant on a Tuesday night. I decided to stay and work things out. Shortly after our son was born (1997) rumors came back to me that my wife was having an affair with OM. My wife actually came to me and told me first and said it was just a bunch of jealous girls at work and she and OM were just friends. Being the dilligent husband I was I beleived her and kept right trying hard to provide for our growing family. This was right about time of my first affair. Like hers it was easily dismissed as just a frined at work and nothing more.
Last Saturday was the high point of this thing. I thought it was the low point but it has contiued to spiral further and further down the slope. Looking for answers I found MB and I suggested to my wife we look at this stuff as it seemed reasonable and it would give us a chance to save our dying marriage. She refused and pulled herself into and "I don't know what I want!" shell. I have always been a Christian; you wouldn't know it by the way I have been living; but I before I killed myself, I got on my knees and invited God back into my life and asked for direction. You say he doesn't speak to you. The first thing that hit me after that invitation was to go home and tell my wife about my affairs and be completely honset. I rationalized that if I told the truth, we could ask God to help us find our way back. After I told her, she politely thanked me for being honest and took her wedding band off and put it into her jewelery box. I was crushed even further. I continued to ask for answers. A day passed and I was paying the bills and as my wife had found out about my 2nd affair, I realized her cell phone bill was through the roof. I looked at the calls and several numbers had VERY high call times. I checked the number and it was the OM from her first "friendship." I confronted her about the calls. As I had lied to her, she simply said she considers him a friend and he is having trouble in his marriage and she is and they have been supporting each other. Being a cop I took the bull by the horns and called the guy and told him if her respected her, he would never call her again and let her decide how to deal with the problems in her own marriage, and we didn't need his help. I also told him if he did call, that I would call his wife. He called anyway.<p>I called the OM's wife and she confirmed the this OM has professed his love to my wife and he intends to divorce her. My wife is currently enroute to see a neutral girlfriend in Florida and she is armed with phone cards so calls can go undetected. I am now throughly convinced this is a "full-blown" affair and my wife is preparing to leave me for this OM.<p>Do I have any hope of recovering this marriage? Since she announced she no longer knew how she felt and I have accepted God back into my life; I have realized the MOST important thing in my life is her and our children. They are so hurt and concerned and they really don't know the half of it. I have done a lot of stupid things in anger and fear. I am trying to absorb this web site overnight and I have made an appointment with Dr. Harley over the phone. But, I am so ripped open. Why didn't we reach out to each other? How can we do this to our kids? I know she needs to have her needs met, but right now she is WAY into wothdawal that I can't even get her to think of looking at some of Dr. Harley's techniques. Help, I'm frustrated and confused!

Well, I think it says alot that she HASN'T admitted to an Affair if that is what's happening...if I was planning to leave you, your telling me that you suspect one, would be my opening for that discussion...and leaving. I think she is like way off in the fog right now...she possibly doesn't know what she wants. <p>You two have really done some damage to each other and your marriage but I don't think it's ever hopeless. Keep reading this site, it's full of wonderful advice and people. Many of us wish we'd found it long before we did.<p>Perhaps while she is gone, you can go through the Emotional Needs quiz and see what your needs are--maybe discuss them when she comes back. I did this with my H and even tho he had not done his enq at the time, it helped open up some really important discussion. <p>I think right now you have to be patient...it took a long time for your marriage to come this pass, it will take a while to resolve these issues. Meantime, it's great that you have sought counseling. And keep coming to talk to us.
We care.

badger203,
Welcome to MB. Navigate throughout the website; there is much you can do to work toward recovering your M, even if your W is unwilling at this point. Get Surviving an Affair. It's a wonderful tool for people trying to recover from the pain of infidelity. Also, you can go to the "Just Found Out" forum and find the post for newcomers. There's lots of information there. Continue to read and post. We're here for you. Most have been in your shoes. My prayers go out to you!<p>MOM

badger,<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Why didn't we reach out to each other? <hr></blockquote><p>That's the way it happens my friend. We don't pay attention. We don't see that which is the most important to us. We don't respect it. Love it. Cherish it. We don't make the most of what we have. And then, one day, bam - it's gone. At least, we think it is.<p>Badger, if she loved you before, if you loved her, then there is a way back. You have to learn forgiveness, your wife too. But there is a way back.<p>You need a good Plan A. Sorry, I'm a Plan A worshipper - but I KNOW that a good Plan A is what's needed here. Tomorrow, send her a big bunch of flowers. Tell her you love her. Take her out for dinner. Talk. Talk. Talk. EN'S are what it's all about. MB principles are simple, but they make SENSE. AND they WORK.<p>take care Badger - pay attention to what's important in YOUR life - it's never too late.<p>- Freddy