Hello All,<p> I can't believe I'm an old timer. I used to read people describe themseves in that way and wonder how they had the strength to go on, and here I am. I periodically take a break from the boards because it is healthy as far as healing myself sometimes, but every now and then I need some commen sense Marrige Builders advice and a pep talk. Hello also to my friends from the preg. board. I hope you read this and have some comments.
Anyway here's an update.
1. D-Day Apri1 2000
2. Husband moves out August, 2000 - doesn't live with OW that was a 2x sexual encounter but unfortunately resulted in a pregnancy.
3. Go into Plan B immediately - have NO contact from August until May 2001.
4. I filed for divorce in Nov. 2000
5. Other child born Dec 26th. OW named him after my husband.
6. In May 2001, my son's therapist suggested we try counseling because he felt my husband didn't really want a divorce.
7. We attend weekly counseling and start to go out on weekly "dates" until November 2001.
*. In November I made the comment in counseling that I didn't think my husband was trying very hard (after all it's going on 2 years) He stormed out of the counselor's office and that put an end to counseling.
9. The next day we talked and agreed to try things my husband's way... try to be friends and see if we can reconnect.<p> So here I am... dating my husband. He comes over and is more comfortable with being in the house. We went out to dinner with my parents 2 nights ago because he and my father had serious words and now are trying to "make up". Has anyone, ANYONE been in this position?
Do I have the patience of a saint or am I just a fool? It seems that we are slowly, slowly working our way closer but is this almost too slow? I am willing to keep trying (at great cost to my ego) and am willing to have contact with the other child but how long should I expect to be in limbo? Does anyone have any feelings or experience or know of anyone where the reconsiliation took over 2 years??? Please respond.
Kris

Hi Kris--<p>I think I would have lost patience by now. But, you are not me (and who knows what I'd actually do in your shoes...never been in that exact pair). <p>I think your H was majorly mixed-up and maybe that is why it is taking him so long. I know also that my H had to do some work on his own head b4 he was really ready to recommit. Some "growing stages" just take as long as they take, kwim?<p>I'd say that if you are enjoying dating him, and feel positive about doing so, go for it. How DO you feel about it? And how are things in general?<p>Hugs--<p>Kathi<p>Re-reading, I see "at great cost to my ego"...I guess that says something about how you feel. Try and separate his mixed-up-ed-ness from your ego. As my DH used to say "this is about me, not about you" he was (mostly) right; though I'd had a role in the marriage eroding before his EA, the issues he had to settle afterwards were largely his own.<p>[ December 13, 2001: Message edited by: kam6318 ]</p>

Good God Kathi, <p> What would I do without you? You have been there through thick and thin. The reality of it is. I DO NOT want to end my marriage. I want to get back together. I have even dated a little during this time and that has done nothing more than solidify my feelings that the person I want to be with the rest of my life is my husband.
If I take it on face value it would seem that we are slowly moving back towards being together. Part of the reason for the length of time is my e adherence to Plan B. I mean we didn't speak or anything for at least 6 months.
My problem is the waiting and the feeling of being vulnerable while someone makes up there mind if they want ME! I'm afraid of making it too comfortable for him to not fully commit. It seems like he's got the best of both worlds. When I occaisionally bring this up (major love buster) he says he wouldn't be driving 40 minutes each way to see me a once or twice a week etc. and that he wants to see me.
My family thinks he just wants the best of both worlds. No real responsibilites but no major conflict also. When ever I've given him an ultimatum it has back fired because his main issue with me is that I was too overbearing and controling. So I have to do it his way or be told - "see I knew you couldn't change". It's a Catch 22.
Thank you for the response. I hope things are going well with you.
Kris

AKA QUAKERMOM,
I have a question for you...did you actually go through with the divorce? I am probably going to finalize my divorce and then see if my H and I can work things out, however long it may take. I would love some feedback from you. See my post on Pregnancy/Child board. THanks!<p>[ December 13, 2001: Message edited by: callie300 ]<p>[ December 13, 2001: Message edited by: callie300 ]</p>

Since you feel you do want the marriage, and since it seems progress is being made, I guess I'd keep going. Your family and friends are trying to keep you from being hurt, but really you are the only one who knows if you are truly OK with this. And, if you are, what difference does their opinion make?<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>My problem is the waiting and the feeling of being vulnerable while someone makes up there mind if they want ME!<hr></blockquote><p>I only went thru abt 6 months of this "making up his mind" stuff...but I do recall how hard it is.
Hang in there!<p>Kathi

Hey, Kris,
Been wondering how you are! You may remember me as Annc...we posted back and forth for awhile - had same timeline as far as d-day. Sorry for both of us that we are still here! I, like you, have been on that rollercoaster - 4 discoveries of continued contact, last was in Aug. - I wonder the same - am I stupid?
hugs,
S

Thank you Kathi, Anne and Calli,<p> Kathi - I guess I know in my heart that I will continue with this for a while longer. I'm thinking of giving it till Easter. That is really the 2 year D-Day discovery mark. Here is an example of what we are doing... On Sundays he has been coming over and taking the kids out for the afternoon. During Plan B he sat in the car and waited for them and we only confered by note. Since we began counseling he started coming in the door and waiting by the door for the kids. Now that we are doing things his way "Lets be friends and see what happens" he came over today at 1:00 and fixed the basement window. I made an extra nice dinner (first time we've eaten together like old times) and then we went as a family (him driving my van like old times) to see a holiday light display at the beach near us. Then he came in, had coffee and cake afterwards.We all had a good time with him (except for one glitch) and then we make plans to go to the movies together Wednesday PM.
WHAT IS THIS??? iS THIS US GETTING BACK TOGETHER??
Calli, I did start divorce proceedings because of the other child involved and child suport is better if you claim first. Now my support claim is fixed and it can't be lowered if the OW ever comes after him for child support. And I did feel like we were going for a divorce during Plan B because we had NO CONTACT and I felt if he wanted to see me he would make some effort. The divorce is slowly dragging it's way through court. I debate frequently whether to stall it. I don't want to end up going for it 2 years from now and then having it drag on for 2 more years. It helps me feel I have some control of the process. What is a thin line to tread is CONTROL is one of our very basic issues in our marriage.
Anne - I wondered about you also. Are you with your H still? It's been a long tme.<p>To all - if I open myself and surrender my drive to fix, contol, manipulate, manage, plan etc. then maybe I will be able to show him that we can have a marriage based on 2 equal partners. It is difficult for me because I am a type A person and he is Type Z or whatever the opposite of A is. The hardest struggle for me is to be patient and loving and put no demands and just WAIT!!! But I will do that. By Easter then I will have really tried EVERYTHING
Kris

Dearest Kris: <p>Hello, stranger! What a pleasant surprise to see your name here again at MB.<p>I've missed you!<p>I'm glad to read that you are now "dating" your H. Personally, I think this is great-- and POSITIVE. If your marriage is what you desire, continue to reach for the stars [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] !!!!<p>As always, praying that you and your family find peace. Happy Holidays! ~Marie