I haven't posted a help in a while [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ...<p>I am grumpy...really grumpy...edgy...really edgy...short w/ everybody (and I don't mean height). Snapping at kids...<p>Yeah...when you look at calendar...it is probably close to PMS...more likely next week though...oh goody...two weeks of feeling like this...<p>H seems the same way...both of us snapping at kids...him snapping at me...(NO>>>miracles of miracles not to him...)BUT!<p>he just left house...didn't say hi...bye...KMA...just left...I didn't even realize it...thought he'd gone out to the car for something...but he didn't come back in right away .<p>He's probably gone to get a video he mentioned earlier, that he had to get for class tomorrow...I just HATE that he gets to do this...I COULD NEVER DO IT...just leave...not tell anyone...<p>...why does it hurt my feelings so much? leaves...doesn't call...not accountable for his whereabouts...comings...goings...<p>I just am so sad.
Cali

Hi, I'm here... and I'm sorry you're in pain tonight. It sux, and your H is being a poopie-head. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]

Thanks Nyneve...<p>I just hate the wondering...is he calling her? Do they still have contact? I've really been doing pretty well with it all...considering...<p>But, I guess the holidays...gift getting...mom visiting...sister's breakdown and now with us...work...kids...H...I guess I am probably on overload....<p>We're even going away for a weekend together tomorrow (his idea)...but I just feel so anxious...

I wish I could stay online and be here to listen to you vent or help work some things out... but I have to do some stuff with H and other stuff around the house.<p>I'll be thinking of you though. I too have been having some rough days lately.<p>Honestly? I think it has a LOT to do with the holidays... well... between that and seasonal affective disorder (S.A.D.). But that's my NON Dr.'s opinion... LOL.<p>Take care hon!<p>Karen

oops!! I forgot to give you some of these:<p>((((((((((((((( Cali ))))))))))))))))<p>Karen

Thanks Topie...I'm sure it has to do a lot with that...<p>that and the usually Christmas financial crunch is upon us and I don't know how to handle it...<p>...usually I figure it out all by myself...how to play "juggle" the money...I threw tantrums...cried...all that and more...<p>
....so now I have the same problems and no solutions...don't know how to talk to him about it...feel so helpless....

I agree with Topie that it's the season, and the 9/11 tragedy and the feeling that the collective rug has been pulled out from our lives.<p>I hope you can have a ROMANTIC and LOVING holiday with your H.<p>{I capitalized those so that they WILL happen! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] }<p>(((((Cali)))))

I am trying prayer...not sure what to pray for...<p>more money (LOL) [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>strength...the right words...a miracle...<p>It is all such a headache...great highs and lows...<p>and, SnL...if you read this...I DO NOT want it coming back to haunt me...sometimes I just wonder if it is worth it all...I mean I know it is...but...but...but...<p>It is just so much C###, he'd barely grown up and started figuring out what 'to be when he grew up,' when MLC arrives...what kinda luck is that?<p>Here he is...super-creative...talented actor...singer...GREAT TEACHER...wonderful father...so many blessings...and he spends most of his time feeling inadequate...unhappy...in blame-mode...<p>...and I am warning you SnL...I don't want to hear that we don't fit...or I'd be better off without him...

Cali,<p>I am here and listening!!<p>Do you have to figure out how to juggle the money alone, could you ask for his input? Would he help?<p>Can you share (I like using that word then I am not telling or laying my problems on him) how you feel when he leaves without saying goodbye?
Share the concern that most accidents do happen close to home and you would hate for that to happen and you not even know where he was.<p>
Just some thoughts. PMS sucks too!!<p>Dawn

Dear Cali,<p>Stepping in a bit late here but want to let you know if you need to talk, I can be here for you. <p>Hugz,
L.

((((((((((( Cali)))))))))))<p>
It sucks to be in a place like this, on edge.<p>Cali.. can you talk to him? That's the real answer. Y'know, without expectations, or blaming. Speaking for you..<p>" When you leave .. I feel.."<p>I know tempers are short, but is this type of conversation possible? Or discussing why tempers are short now? How can you send your message so it will be heard? I'm hearing you need to speak, you're carying a burden, and need some help.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>...why does it hurt my feelings so much? leaves...doesn't call...not accountable for his whereabouts...comings...goings...<hr></blockquote><p>Does this happen often?<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I just am so sad.<hr></blockquote><p>I know, I know that song. Cali, you do have blessings. I would like to be in the same house as my wife and kids..<p>You will have fun on this trip ( say it with me..)<p>(((((((((((( Cali))))))))))<p>Dan

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Cali:
<strong>usual Christmas financial crunch is upon us and I don't know how to handle it...<hr></blockquote></strong>
Cali,
THAT's how you pray. "Jesus, I don't know how to handle the money crunch. YOU handle it..."<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>....so now I have the same problems and no solutions...don't know how to talk to him about it...feel so helpless....</strong><hr></blockquote>
Pray first. Ask God to "prepare his heart" and to let you know when the timing is right (H will be "receptive to hear it") and then DON'T open your mouth until God opens it. Meanwhile, I'll pray also for some peace, some guidance from above.<p>You need these:
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{CALI}}}}}}}}}}}}} {{{{{{Cali's H}}}}}
Love & Prayers,
Lupo

ok, I wasn't gonna say that anyways, but I felt an affinity for your feelings cause I am the same way, use to be someone with a fairly long fuse, but it has gotten a lot shorter. I don't really think it is any big mystery marsha, is pretty much a programmed response to stress. You do not feel safe in your life, and therefore your body is "on alert". That status make you jumpy flight or fight, and since you aren't flying anywhere you are fighting. Now maybe you should be flying, that is what you are assessing every day, but until you fly, or feel safe, you are gonna be jumpy and it will manifest in inappropriate/aggressive ways, like yelling at kids, and warning snl. I guess this is where the folks who chime in about looking inward [hm... anyone you can think of [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ] and so forth an so on are coming from to deguse the anger. <p>But IMO doesn't work, cause your fear is real, and burying it does nothing, we cannot escape our genetic determination. You can cope though, the usual stuff, exercise, do things for yourself, walk away quickly (and count to ten), bang your head on the wall, take drugs (yeah, I am opposed to zoloft et al), and come here. But until cali has made up her mind (really made it up) to let him go (and proceed accordingly plan b), you are stuck. Interestingly I have read several threads recently about people stuck for months and months, and nothing happened until the bs seperated. There is something about seperation, after a plan a, that really clears some of the mists between people, it may indeed be the beginning of the end, but then that is the way it has to be anyways, but often it completely realigns the emotional landscape, restores a balance of power to the bs, and things work out. BUT one has to mean it, you have to be done, or it fails and the bs is even worse off. I don't think it has anything to do with the holidays, etc. it has to do with the internal struggle that goes on in each of us when we are stuck in the middle of a decision and do not feel safe in our lives. Despite all your talk and arguments about the sanctity of marriage etc. you clearly have no intention of living the rest of your life like this, and I think that bothers you some too, part of the whole thing. But what do I know.

Cali<p>Breathe! Breathe! Breathe!<p>I've been watching you "cycle" - and you are starting to see it too. <p>Instead of reacting to the cycle - take charge!!! BREATHE<p>Just because he left house doesn't mean there was contact - you are not in control of anyone or your circumstance - just yourself!<p>So, exercise that control and BREATHE! Don't react - take charge of your own emotions!<p>If you are vulnerable to lovebusters - then don't try 'new' communication techniques, just try and and 'shut up and pray?'???<p>Cali - pray for your ability to control yourself - and for strength to control yourself.<p>It is FEAR, Cali, that you are reacting to. God doesn't give us a spirit of fear! So, don't give into it!<p>(((hugs to cali)))<p>TNT

Thanks...everyone!<p>Boys wouldn't go to sleep...so I had to get of computer and settle them down...then I picked up a couple of books from "my library" and looked for something to calm me down...<p>...he called and I asked him about why he didn't say he was leaving to get the video...but, he said he did...<p>Thanks daybreak...maybe away this weekend, on neutral territory, I will talk to him...<p>FamilyMan...that's what I was reading about...'Dance of Connection'...talking with no expectations...seeing where all my feelings were coming from...about the not calling...yeah...it's a pattern...I'm really needy in this area (family history) and HE HATES the accountability (his family history)...something that is my problem and I have to let go...<p>lupo...thanks! thanks! thanks! tears in my eyes...<p>SnL...sorry for anticipating your words...sometimes I am my own worst devil's advocate [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ...and you're right....<p>trustntruth...so glad I came here...H didn't even know of how deep my anxiety went...I was able to control it by coming here, venting...thinking...and not reacting...<p>THANKS ALL! I will be gone this weekend...hope you all have a nice one.

hugs & prayers<p>enjoy your weekend, don't think about money enjoy, enjoy<p>and don't expect too much from this time away, relax if you do nothing else