Yes, I'm writing again. I usually read quite alot here, but seldom post because it has been such a hard last few months that I just keep everything to myself. Or I've said stuff to my husband which when I think about it was not to smart. I have been doing plan A for over 8 months now. I started way before I knew he was involved with the OW. JUst a feeling I got. Anyhow, I guess in the back of my mind I figured if I did everything right, changed the things I needed my H would somehow follow suit. Was I ever in for a suprise!! Yeah, he's not seeing the ow, unless he's covering it up better, and yeah he's home with me.BUt is the marriage any bettr really??? No, its not. I had a real bad November, I almost put myself in a hospital because of all the stress. I was too ashamed to tell anyone here because i was at the 5 month mark and you'd think I would be past some of this C*** already, but I wasn't.The OW lives 5 minutes from me and boy was I feeeling like a caught spider!! I just hated going to places and checking to make sure she wasn't there so I could relax and not worry. I've been in counseling ever since April and finally last week I completely broke down with my counselor. I was bawling like a baby. I got sooo much off my chest and it was finally the real Paytonrose talking. What a relief I felt! I came to the conclusion that its not up to me to "fix" my marriage. Its not God's fault that my husband clearly doesn't want a life with me. And trying to force the issue has done me no good. Something clicked inside of me on that day. ITs not that I don't love my husband, its just that I no longer want to patch this marriage up all by myself anymore. I've been doing that for almost 12 years and he clearly is not really interested in doing the same. So, on that day, I decided I would no longer bring up his A, moving me and the kids closer to where he works, no bringing up our marriage or anything else that is a red flag for him. No longer will I check cell phone bills, check to see if he's really where he says he is. no longer will I even ask whats he's up too. I no longer care. Why care about someone who does not want you in your life??? What am I going to do now?? Finally, I'm at the point where I'm going to really work on me, my issues for me. Not for him, or to win him back, or to have my marriage back. Just for me. I'll continue going to school and be the best mom I can be to my 4 kids. Other than that, I'll be polite to my husband, but if he wants this marriage, he'll have to win my heart back. And at this point, I am content if he never does. Paytonrose

Good for you Paytonrose!!!!<p>You have a better understanding of who the plan is for!!! That's you!!!<p>
Now shame on you!!!!! shame, shame, shame, you held it in, didn't want to come talk to your friends, that is what we are here for you know!! We don't judge, you know!!!<p>Perhaps now with you taking the time to work on you, and not working solely on the marriage, your husband will see that it isn't much without you, and that he may need to do something to get you actively involved again. Well we can dream can't we?<p>Again good for you, I am glad you are doing better and I do hope to see your name around here more, sharing, talking, asking for help when needed and allowing us to support you. <p>Have a good night, take care, Dawn