Hey All,<p>In my session with Steve Harley last week, I asked him if it would be proper to send my wife a Plan A letter for the Holidays. He thought it was an excellent idea. I tried to sum up what I have been working on and reaffirm my feelings for my wife at this time. I'm sending it on Monday with a small Holiday floral arrangement. <p>So here goes:<p>Dear Wife,<p>I just wanted you to have a little something for your office for the Holidays. I hope you like it. This has always been a special time of year for me because it was when I proposed to you.<p>I also wanted to let you know what I have been doing with all the counseling I have gone through and where I am at this point.<p>I now feel I have somewhat of an understanding of the events on my part that led to the breakdown in our marriage. You felt, and justifiably so, that for many years I was ignoring your needs and became convinced at some point that it was never going to get better. It must have seemed like I only cared about things that affected you if they affected me as well. If it didn&#8217;t bother me, then it wasn&#8217;t important. You found another source to meet those needs. Someone else that wanted to help you fix your problems. Maybe this other person was in a similar situation. <p>When you told me of your decision to leave, I pleaded with you to stay and give it another chance. You must have thought, &#8220;Sure, you ignored my needs for years and just because I&#8217;ve found another solution now you feel hurt and threatened? Why, all of a sudden, do you care what the problems are? You never cared before!&#8221; It probably seemed that I was extremely selfish in my reaction.<p>The counseling that I am going through has helped me see these problems. I am not going through this just because I want us to get back together. I am doing it to become a better, more understanding person. I want to be the best possible mate for the one I love.<p>I realize it is your decision to make your own choices. I hope I am giving you the room you need. <p>Yes, I do want you back. I miss you so very much. I promise you that things will not be the same as they were before. I don&#8217;t want to make the same mistakes again. I need you to help me understand what your needs are. If I&#8217;m not doing things right, then I need you to tell me what to do to make them better. All I want is for us to be happy together and I offer my pledge of a lifetime in doing my part to make it happen.<p>I&#8217;ll love you always.<p>Merry Christmas,<p>Me<p>
Any comments or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.<p>[ December 14, 2001: Message edited by: Always Hopeful ]</p>

I think your letter is very sweet and heartfelt.

Bumping up for another try...

<p>[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: MMMMM ]</p>

AH - I have some thoughts about your letter, but no time to respond fully right now. I promise to give some feedback before the end of the weekend, OK?<p>WAT

AH:<p>I think the letter was very good. Could it be a little more "passionate"? I'm not sure exactly what, but it seemed a little "cool" almost too rehearsed.<p>Maybe what I mean is too let her know "what" it is you miss about her. Her smile, her smell, the sound of her voice, her cute sneeze. Maybe something personal (not sex related of course)that will bring a smile to her face.<p>Or how about a past remembrance of this time of year..you mentioned your engagement, what about elaborating on the way you felt about her then & how you know you let that special feeling get away over the years.<p>Even though she is the WS she still feels you are responsible & sometimes just saying it (as you did in your letter) isn't as convincing as giving an example.<p>Good luck!!

OK, take this for what it's worth -<p>AH: (end of third paragraph) "You found another source to meet those needs. Someone else that wanted to help you fix your problems. Maybe this other person was in a similar situation."<p>WAT: I'd not say this. Despite that you are probably correct, WSs - or anyone else - don't like it when another person espouses to know what they're thinking or why they made a certain decision. I think this detracts from your overall message.<p>AH: (entire fourth paragraph) "When you told me of your decision to leave, I pleaded with you to stay and give it another chance. You must have thought, "Sure, you ignored my needs for years and just because I've found another solution now you feel hurt and threatened? Why, all of a sudden, do you care what the problems are? You never cared before!" It probably seemed that I was extremely selfish in my reaction."<p>WAT: I'd not include this, either, for the same reason as above, unless you know this for sure or she actually said it. If she actually said it, then say so.<p>You might want to consider throwing in reference to your kids - something about providing the best family possible for them.<p>Hope this helps. <p>WAT<p>[ December 16, 2001: Message edited by: worthatry ]</p>

Thanks to all of you for your responses.<p>Dave-<p>That whole fourth paragraph that you are questioning is the heart and soul of the letter. Maybe I do need to reword it a little. But in my session with Steve last week we thought it might be a good idea if I put it accross to my wife that I now understand why she did this. I'm admitting that I had a role that contibuted to her affair. I'm not, by all means, justifying it. My intent was to show her that it is safe to consider coming back and, to quote Steve, tell her "I now get it". I'm trying to show her what I have accomplished so far.<p>That being said, I am going to rewrite the whole thing. But the theme has to remain the same.

AH - I understand. Perhaps if you changed it to not put the words in her mouth.<p>For ideas, here's the corresponding part of the Plan A letter I sent. (Keep in mind we haven't made it to recovery.)
*****************
I have grown tremendously from this experience and I ask you to open your mind and see the changes for yourself. <Son> and I are closer than ever and I acknowledge that I did not always show him the respect he deserved. He has told me he loves me more than ever before. I have looked at myself from your perspective and have recognized that my emotional outbursts of the past were judgmental, insensitive, and counterproductive. I have a new appreciation for your need to be able to freely express yourself without hesitation. You can feel safe voicing your anger and concerns. Whatever happens to us, these changes are permanent in me and I am a better person because of them. I am soon starting with a therapist to explore other aspects I can work on. I feel much better about myself as a person and as an individual, I am strong and well along in my recovery. My life goes on.<p>During this experience my efforts have been on changing me, not on blaming anyone else expecting them to change. I am the only person I can change. I know I have other improvements to make - and you can help me. In short, I will avoid the mistakes I?ve made in the past and we can create a new life for the three of us that will meet all of our needs. It won?t happen overnight and it?ll take a lot of work, but we owe it to <son> to try hard to make it work. Choosing not to try is the blind way out and it leaves the same problems unsolved and creates more difficult ones.
***************<p>Good luck,
WAT

Dave-<p>Thanks for giving me your version. I am going to try and figure out how to change it so I'm not putting words in her mouth. That does sound condesending.<p>I had a concern about your ending, though:<p>"...we owe it to our son to try hard to make it work. Choosing not to try is the blind way out and it leaves the same problems unsolved and creates more difficult ones."<p>That actually sounds like you are trying to "straighten her out". I wonder what Steve thought of that if you actually ran it by him. I mean, it sounds very good and I would love to put something like that in mine. It just could be received as being too disrespectful for Plan A...

AH - your point is valid. When I sent my Plan A letter in October 2000, I hadn't yet consulted with Steve. <p>So, perhaps don't use it or change it to something like this:<p>"...I believe I owe it to our son to try hard to provide for him a nurturing family environment. I also believe choosing not to try leaves our problems unsolved and creates more difficult ones."<p>Perhaps this makes it sound less like her problem and more like the common problem it actually is.<p>Dave