JD,<p>I read your reply on Almost Broken's thread. I have, and still do, feel what you're feeling. <p>You know what's the hardest part of this, WE SUFFER and they (WS) don't seem to. I've read several poster's threads (Lostva's comes to mind) where she says how she finally saw and felt empathy for her H's (WS) pain.<p>I want to believe they (WS) are in pain and anguish, but what doesn't add up is our pain was caused by deliberate actions or decsions of theirs to have the A. Where their's is from us un-intentionally not meeting their needs. <p>On the scales of justice, it does not balance IMHO. But, nobody said marriage is fair. All we can do is move ahead somehow. And try are best to get thru this so we're not bitter and callous, because ultimately it only hurts us.<p>I hope somehow your pain eases for you, anger can be so all consuming. I'm really sorry you have to go thru this. I'm really sorry all of us here have to go thru this.<p>God Bless, JD.<p>Love,
Jo

I saw his post too and am concerned. Are you ok jdmac?<p>I do believe that some WS do feel a lot of guilt and remorse for thier actions. STL (my H)was a BS in is two previous marriages. He says that the pain he has felt as a WS is far greater then he felt as a BS. It is hard for him to deal with the fact that he did something that he tought he was above. And his sister told me that when his first wife left with her OM, without even telling him, he was a basket case for a year.<p>He has expressed some of his feelings of shame and remorse. He has even cried with me. But he's also the kind of guy who tries not not burden me with his problems. So sometimes I'm not totally aware of the depth of his pain. I have to ask him about it to get him to open up.<p>There have been some WS here who said that they have a lot of pain for what they did. Though I don't think anyone can understand what a BS feels like until they are one. Just like the BS cannot feel what the WS is feeling.<p>That said, there do seem to be an awful lot of WS's no clue that they have caused pain. They also seem to have lost the ability to emathize. I don't understand this.

Interesting question....Is jdmac1 ok? Hmmmmm.<p> Well, the truth would have to be no, I am not ok.
I am the most depressed that I have ever been and I see no way out of it [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] I feel I am at the point where something is gonna give, or I am gonna explode.<p> Why can't I just walk away??? Why can't I give up the fantasy? <p> jd

jdmac,<p>I'm obviously in no position to give advice, but I just wanted to be here for support. I so appreciated your input into my problems. I feel a real "kinship" with you unfortunately. Even in the midst of my own pain, I could really feel yours. <p>That fantasy is soooo hard to turn loose of, huh? That's exactly what I've been holding on to. Maybe, at least in my case, it's already gone. <p>We can do this...<p>AB

jd, wanted to tell you I love your pearl bailey quote, everytime I read it.... it sorta, I dunno, seems like a real peak into the reality of being a human being.<p>jd....I am the most depressed that I have ever been and I see no way out of it I feel I am at the point where something is gonna give, or I am gonna explode.<p>Why can't I just walk away??? Why can't I give up the fantasy? <p>snl...Can't give up the fantasy? You mean why is it hard after being steeped in fairey tales, leave it to beaver, and endless books telling us just to decide to be happy? What is your problem man, must just be one of those flagellators huh? It's called programming jd, and fear of change, an inherent human characteristic that has kept us all alive for millions of years. But change itself is what sets us free from our genetic programming. We are the only lifeform on the planet capable of acting against instinct. Your instinct is to knock her over the head, and drag her back to the cace...but ya can't, and rightly so. If you could, we would still be living in them thar caves. Not good.<p>The chineese have a very good saying (actually they have lots of good sayings, a very pragmatic people). A journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step. You may be looking at the whole journey, and all it's travails, and can't get out of bed...ya know? The key, the psychology of accomplishing difficult emptional tasks, is focus, I call it tunnel vision. The more stressful my life the narrower my focus, until I am literally looking at what to do in the next minute, and the rest of the world disappears.<p>In your case, the idea of giving up is completely overwhelming I suspect, it is for most of us. But life is not like that, it is a constantly changing tapestry, every time you act, you alter the future depending on that action. What you need to give up, is feeling you must have a particular future. You take action in the present, that is what plan a/b are about, to give structure and focus. So IMO, the first step, which you have already taken, is to recognize that in part you depended on and yearn for a fantasy. It never existed, never was, no matter how anyones marriage appeared, if they end up here, it was in part (if not in whole) a fantasy. That will not happen again, cause now you know.<p>Now you will assess others (and yourself) more realistically, and be less likely to run about thinking the rainbow you follow leads to a pot of gold. In the meantime, the next step, is to reevaluate where you are in the MB continuum, and take the next step. (sorry I forget). If plan b, then work on letter, don't think about sending it, or what it implies for future, just work on it, like a school assignment. After you done that for awhile, go do something you like, just for you. And after that go find an organization that needs some Christmas help for the unfortuneate, and help them. Finally give thanks that no matter how bad it is, you are healthy (I hope) and live in America, and that counts for alot....ya know. Merry Christmas.

Hi JD, I wanted to say Hi and let you know, I feel the pain. My House is such a mess, it is a total reflection of how bad I feel. It has been this way for 3 months. I am trying desperately to do somehting about it, I have spent loads of time in bed and crying... and now I am trying so hard to clean up my house today and get it acceptable for 2 boys for christmas, my family has been getting ANGRY at me... they are dysfunction to the max over this, and they are even telling me they could call cps child protec. services on me... they are exaggerating, but it is way too messy ... Now that I got a job, 3 wks ago, I am going to get a housekeeper... I need the help.<p>ANyway... I feel the pain too. I am sorry that they do not seem to feel how much they hurt us bs's... those uncaring selfish ws's. I believe having an affair is one of the most selfish things a married person can do to his spouse and children... it is horrid.<p>so there.<p>love to you, lisa