Hello all,<p>Haven't posted in a while but felt like getting back in the swing of things.
I am on my way thru divorce right now. <p>Knew that WS was cheating on me with a guy off the net but finally got a PI and busted her.
Been through hell and back since then but getting a lot of support from family and friends, including her father.<p>These are some of the things that are bothering me through:<p>First, We have very little contact but we have three children so I have to talk to her sometimes. The only time she calls me is when she needs something. I usually just jump up and come to her aid but that is getting old quick. I feel like she is using me and taking advantage of my good heart. I am tired of her taking advantage of me but she usually hangs the children over my head. Does anyone else have this problem?<p>Second, she ask me for a thousand dollars for Christmas and I gladly gave it to her thinking that she would use it for the children but she took off to Alabama to be with her lover and left the kids with her parents. I know that she had to use some of that money to get there and I am sure that she used some of it for his Christmas presents. That gets under my skin! I am no longer going to give her a dime more than the judge told me I had to give her. <p>Third, When is it OK to start seeing someone again? I have been talking to a woman that a friend intoduced me to and I really like her.
She has been through the same thing as me but she is a few steps ahead of me. She has told me that she loves me but I told her that I don't use that word lightly and I wouldn't say it unless I meant it.
My other friends say I should date around and be "free" for a while but do you throw away a huge diamond the first time you start digging in hopes of finding something bigger and better?
This really has me bothered!<p>What do ya'll think?<p>
RN

Hi Roughneck,
Not all marriage is worth saving. Only you could decide. I am sorry fro all the pain that you endure but it must comes to end.<p>1. I have no experience in this and I know better I told my WW that I will fight her w/ 2 D custody. I have enough prove to show to the social worker that I could handle it.
2. It is hard with the kid but anything you want to give to your kid you hand it yourself. Let her live within her mean it is her problem not yours.
3. Nope, not in MB. Your Dv is not finalized yet and stay away from any female. Specially the one who say "I luv U" after a few meeting and know that you are in Dv process. How is your plan A ?, did you fix anything up ?. Isn't time to do health check up on you before any new relation ?.<p>You will not get any support on the third bullet here. Where is sing, the fairie LB ... [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] ?

Hi, RN! Good to see you back. Sorry for what you are going through.<p>I suggest you set some boundaries with your $$ and with the help with the kids. <p>AND, NO DATING YET!!!! Nope. It's too soon. Learn a bit about yourself, and what you really want in life. Be comfortable with who you are before you can get comfortable with someone else. k?? especially until the D is final.<p>JMO [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>hang in there!

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Roughneck:
<strong>
Third, When is it OK to start seeing someone again? I have been talking to a woman that a friend intoduced me to and I really like her.
She has been through the same thing as me but she is a few steps ahead of me. She has told me that she loves me but I told her that I don't use that word lightly and I wouldn't say it unless I meant it.
My other friends say I should date around and be "free" for a while but do you throw away a huge diamond the first time you start digging in hopes of finding something bigger and better?
This really has me bothered!<p>What do ya'll think?<p>
RN</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Roughneck, first off I don't think you need to keep searching for diamonds when you have already found one. I have never understood the logic behind that - it almost reduces people to cattle shopping at a cattle auction.<p>That being said, it can be disasterous to date at this early stage. Just ask me, I am in a rebound marriage and went through hell the first year. Here you are just STARTING to recover from your relationship with your wife yet you are beginning a new relationship. <p>I know it's an extremely attractive and potent thing to get into a new relationship at this point but it is also VERY DANGEROUS. It is dangerous because you are so vulnerable right now that it can impair your judgement. Especially when you are SO STARVED and so hungry for any kind of attention. The first person who comes along who meets your needs in ANY manner can quickly become an object of addiction and obsession, leading to just MORE heartbreak. Please just take it slow and don't get yourself in over your head.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by MelodyLane:
I know it's an extremely attractive and potent thing to get into a new relationship at this point but it is also VERY DANGEROUS. It is dangerous because you are so vulnerable right now that it can impair your judgement. Especially when you are SO STARVED and so hungry for any kind of attention. The first person who comes along who meets your needs in ANY manner can quickly become an object of addiction and obsession, leading to just MORE heartbreak. Please just take it slow and don't get yourself in over your head.<hr></blockquote><p>Welp .. I read this and thought ... O..M..G this is what the WS does when their needs are not being met by their spouse, they get themselves involved with an OP, who is also, what I consider, a REBOUND person.<p>They [WS] couldn't FREELY and OPENLY (without sneaking around, lieing etc.) date this potential mate/spouse to be able to MAKE SURE they are right for them. To really get to know them to see if they're a realistic and viable spouse candidate to spend the rest of their life with. Hence, almost all A's DO CRASH AND BURN!!!!<p>Thank you, Dana Jo! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Jo<p>[ December 15, 2001: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Roughneck,<p> Hey man, glad to hear from you again. <p> First I think you would be doing the right thing to only give her what the judge ordered. Unless of course she can show it truly is for the children. And even that should have limits, meaning no more than you would have given them had none of this crap happened. I know how easy it would be to spoil them rotten right now and you don't really want to do that.<p> As for the lady friend, I think you should get out and have some fun. It doesn't have to be anything more than just that. I would for sure be careful about someone telling you they love you this soon. You know you need to get over everything that has happened to you before you jump into another relationship. Have some fun for Roughneck, but take things in slow motion. In other words be careful friend. <p> Glad to see you back on MB. Don't take so long in saying hello next time.<p> jd

Roughneck,<p>Sorry to hear that things are not working out for you. You are going through a lot right. I’m glad to hear that you have a good support system. <p>As for your children. It does not look good for your STBX to leave them with her parents for Christmas. They need their mom at Christmas. Especially with their family falling apart. Did she tell you that she was doing this? Did she give you the option to take them for the time she was gone? She should have and you can make a big stink about it in court. I’d say that she is making decisions that are bad for the kids. At this point it looks like she abandoned them. If I were you I’d go to her parent’s house and get the children. Then call your attorney and tell him/her what has happened. If you want custody of them this may be the time to act. I would seriously question your wife’s state of mind. She obviously does not have the children’s best interests in mind.<p>When my SeenTheLight’s (my H) ex-wife left him for another man. He kept the children and now has custody of them. Her behavior was very questionable. <p>How often do you have the children right now? What is your time sharing schedule? Do you have joint custody? Why not call her and tell her that you’ll take the kids and she can stay with this guy? She might like that alternative.
<p>As you are finding out, you will need to set some limits on the money you give her. She is only thinking of herself. She has made her choices in life. You have no obligation beyond what the court orders. And yes, hanging the children over your head is very normal. Divorced parents play this type of game all the time. There are as many flavors of it as there are sets of divorced parents. In the end it will be your children who suffer from it the most. So you will need to find a way to minimize it.<p>How does she hang the children over your head. Does she say something like “if you don’t do this or that I won’t let you see the children? Well guess what, she does not have the legal right to do that. Get your attorney to set a very firm timesharing schedule (Do not call it a visitation schedule. Your children are NOT visiting you. You are sharing in their rearing.) Remember that she can only take advantage of you if you facilitate it.<p>As for when to start seeing someone… the wisest rule of thumb I’ve ever heard is one year after your divorce is final. It sounds pretty harsh. But you see, if you date before your divorce is final you are committing adultery. You are a married man until those divorce papers are signed. There is a lot of wisdom to this. Many people file for divorce and then reconcile. Do you really want to muck up the works by becoming a WS yourself? Another reason for this is that a person cannot emotionally detach themselves from their spouse until after the divorce is final. There are still so many little emotional strings left. It usually takes a person one year to even start healing from an emotional trauma… we need to live through an entire annual cycle to do this for some reason.<p>The reason for the year waiting period after the divorce is final is because it takes a person at least that long to emotionally separate and find themselves. Relationships that start earlier are often plagued with sever problems.<p>I’ll share my experience with this. I left my exH 10/96. Our divorce was final 12/24/97. My current H’s (STL for short) wife left him for her OM in 8/98. His divorce was final in 12/98. I met STL in 1/99. We became engaged in 4/99 and married in 6/2000. Sounds ok by most standards today. But here’s the rest of the story. He was left devastated by his wife’s leaving him. Though it appeared outwardly that he had handled her affair and subsequent divorce very well, it is now clear that he was just good at covering up the inner turmoil. Some people, men especially, do not express their deeper feelings outwardly. Instead they act them out. Well boy did he. Unknown to me, he was ‘dating’ on the side. He had affairs with 10 cyber-babes (no I will not use the words I really want to use cyber-s…..ts). The affairs started at the same time he and I started to date and ended 9 months after we were married. It seems that he was working out some issues like his anger at women, his hurt ego and self esteem. There is nothing like having several women fawn all over a guy to build up his ego. I knew better then to date a guy fresh out of a divorce but my heart over ruled my head. We are doing well today in our recovery but I would not wish this on anyone.<p>This type of behavior is not uncommon in people after a divorce. Rebound relationships are a way of using someone else to work through your hurt and pain. This type of relationship seldom works out. They usually last about a year and at least one person gets very badly hurt. You say that this woman is a diamond. Then she is worth preserving for the time when you are healed. It sounds like she has some healing to do. Why not agree to go your separate ways right now. Each of you with the goal of healing and being better people. Make a date one year from now to check in on each other. Then another date on the 1 year anniversary of your divorce. If you were meant to be together it will happen. Your relationship with her will then have a much better chance of success.<p>Until that one year anniversary, go out with your family and male friends. Give your children all the time you can. Find some activity you like… softball maybe? Get busy.<p>By doing this you will not be throwing away that diamond. You will be giving yourself and her a chance to heal. This way you will not infect a new relationship with the past one. And if either of you are not available on that one year anniversary, then your relationship was just not meant to be. <p>Is your love really so disposable that you can move on from your marriage only a few weeks after you decide to divorce? Can you really say that you are beyond the pain and the attachment you have with your wife? Your post does not sound like it. You are still trying to please her by doing things like giving her money, etc. Your anger and hurt about her affair still sounds like an open wound. Do you really want drag this new person through all of this?<p>{Ok all, Orchid pointed out that the below sentence could be taken wrong.. I am adding a disclaimer. It is meat to be sarcastic to point out that this is exactly what a rebound relationship is. People wrap them in all types of words to soften them.. My sarcasm is meant to strip way the words that soften them…. To make a point of the function rebound relationships serve. I find it useful, in my own life, to distill things down to this point. Helps keep me on track. That is probably why I use this type of sarcasm at times. It points out how ludicrous and/or hurtful our actions can be sometimes.}<p>My advice is only go out with woman right now if you are only looking for someone to use during your healing period so that you can have sex and a sympathetic ear.<p>{Is that any better Orchid? [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] }<p>[ December 16, 2001: Message edited by: zorweb ]</p>

Ok Z, <p>It is very late. Is your sarcastic side showing again or was this sentence from your last post: <p>"My advice is only go out with any woman right now if you are only looking for someone to use during your healing period so that you can have sex and a sympathetic ear."<p>a typo?<p>Roughneck, <p>Good to hear from you but not the news. I am sorry you are being taken advantage of again. I had something all written out earlier this evening and then poof. So now you get the short version. <p>Give her just enough money. Too much in advance makes her think she can play and play she does. As for others watching your children, you can let them know not to do it soo much. I know you are away from your family a lot so it is hard. You have to depend on her and right now she is not dependable. But you know this will be getting old soon even for her. <p>As for another female attention grabber.....well, you just gotta watch for them venusians on the prowl. They look innocent but pack a wallop to any good relationship. Could be another psyco in sheep's clothing, ya know?!?!?! I hate to say this but those dumb OWs are giving all females a bad rap....., need to give them a name from another planet, how about U-ran-us? <p>L.

Orchid,<p>Yes that’s my sarcastic side showing again. Did not realize that someone might take it as a serious suggestion. My point was that if he dated someone during his healing process, that is what the relationship would end up being… that is what rebound relationships are. I’ll edit my post to add a disclaimer. <p>Thanks for pointing it out.

Hi Z,<p>Now why are we both up sooo late? Hm.... Maybe it's just my 'sensitive side? he he he!!! <p>I'm ok. Showing how illogical one's thinking can be when other's try to sway us from our families should be taken as a warning. I just wanted to make sure. It was very out of character for you to actually mean it. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>L.