This is my first post, and I have a question that maybe some of the men in this BB group might be able to help me understand. My H and I have been separated for one week now, after I found out a little over a month ago about his affair and confronted him. It may seem childish, but I want to tell the H of the OW about the affair that my H had with his W. It seems to me that a H has the right to know what kind of woman he's really married to , to allow him the opportunity to deal with her and not just continue to be blind about her deceptiveness. My H has threatened me that if I make any attempt to tell the OW's H that he will immediately move back home, make life "miserable" for me, to the point that I will have to be the one to move out next, and then he threatens that he'll see to it that I have to pay child support to HIM. I feel that my H is intimidating me, but I am really afraid of what he might be able to do to make me "sorry" that I confronted him in the first place and am insisting on telling the OW's H. He has threatened to withdraw the financial support that he's promised to provide, also. With this background, here's my question for the men out there: Why does my H seem to want to protect the OW and allow her to move along smoothly in life with no upset in her own marriage, and then seem to have no concern about the state of our own marriage, other than to want to control me by not "allowing" me to tell the OW's H? He says he's NOT trying to protect her, but that he's trying to protect himself from the wrath and possible physical attack by an irate husband. I say that if he's man enough to get into the affair in the first place, then he should be man enough to stand up to the woman's H when they're found out. He disagrees and tells me that every man he knows tells him that it would be the dumbest thing in the world to tell the OW's H or to "allow" his own W to tell the OW's H. Is this some sort of unspoken "male" code or what? I just know that he and I will never have any chance of reconciliation if he refuses to allow the OW's H to know of the affair. Please give me some feedback on this, either from the guys out there or from some of you other Ws whose own H may have told you similar things. Thanx!

My feeling on your topic is that your husband is now facing reality and he just wants it all to go away as if it never happened. He does not want to reap the consequences of his actions in other words he does not want to pay the ferryman. Her H would be devastated and her reality would have to be faced also.<P>I say get it all out in the open and take legal advice with regards to him threatening you with coming home. Who do they think they are.<P>Forevertrue

Thanx for your feedback, Forevertrue. Did you read my profile/background? One complicating feature of my situation is the fact that my H IS an attorney as well as the local judge! That's part of why I think he's been so able to successfully intimidate me. He knows so many people and has so many contacts that I just wonder who I could ever get to represent me who wasn't a friend/colleague of my H or of someone he knows. If I do go to an out of town attorney, I'd better be ready to have the situation escalate into what may look like WWIII! I'm just afraid of the battle ahead.

I say tell the OW's H. An affair is a bubble of pleasure and reallity will kill it. They made the choice to be involved fully aware of the risks. I don't know where you live but I just spoke with an atorny in Texas. Affairs are a factor for disproportionate divisions of property. I've bee a child custody consultant for yeats. In TX your telling the OW's H would have NO bearing on your fitnes as a mother. Your husband moved out and left the children with you. that was a vote of his confidence that your able to take care of them. that is ammunition for you if he tries later to say you are not. If he thought you were a poor placement then he was a neglectuful (or worse) father by leaving. I ssume you've read Dr. Harley's book on surviving an affair. I'd like to also recommend Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy by Frank PIttman. He is also a therapist who strongly disapproves of affairs butaddresses more situations where the betraying spouse is not saying they want to stayorexpressing any remorse. He isalso quite humorous. Good luck. By the way as I'm in a similar boat (but no kids involved) I've learned that you can get lawyer consultation for 20 to 25 dollars for half hours and TEX has a legal hotline for women which is free. Call your state bar assoication for a similar service. I also got free advice from our state attorney general's office that deals with child support. Any state will have a similar office although the name may be different. they deal with child support for welfare mothers whose husbands have run out and are familiar with what you can expect from fathers. <P>Callie

I just read the message that posted before my previous one did. Go to the out of town attorney for advice. It will give you some peace of mind as to what to expect. Please also remember that your husband has a lot to lose if his dirty linen starts coming out. all the more reason to tell the OW's husband. then you have another source of info as to who is the guilty party. I am so angry at myself for keeping quiet with most folks after I learned what my H was up to. I was enabling him to continue. I was embarrassed and humiliated and I hoped we could get back together and didn't want people to be angry at him or upset with me that I forgave him and continued the marriage. But get some legal advice. YOu don't have to use out of town attorney to separate but you can know of legal rights. Also since your hubby is judge the out of town guy can advise you as to who regulates that and if there are any privisions for stuations such as yours. a few hours of consultation, even if at premium rates would be worth it. Your husband can afford it. Recal that he is the one at fault and gather any evidence you can. Hopefuly it won't come out in open court but can be used in your favor. <P>Callie

I agree. Get it out in the open. As the one who was betrayed, I definitely would want to know! I only wish someone had decided to tell me long before I found out.

I would have been so grateful to anyone who would have told me about my H's affair. I had to figure it out all by myself. Its not fair that OW's husband has no clue what wife is up to but then you know all about it and it makes your life a living hell. Let her have a piece of hell also...this may put a stop to the affair...let's not make it easy for betrayers, husbands or wifes. Go get legal advice...its really a bummer that your husband is a lawyer and a judge...he knows all the loopholes of the law.......just don't make it easy........

Wealtheow, I too am married to an attorney and sense some things that I want to ask you about. One thing I know is that MOST attorneys are into alcohol, they live a very stressful life and have to watch this "reliever" and their intake, my own H is very concious of this. <BR>It seems you have a great deal of anger here and I wonder if it's directed in the right place? Anger is such a strong emotion that I would really try to understand where it stems from and what is the real cause of it. You seem to be directing it toward the OW, typical of those of us who are betrayed. But I found after a time that I had to direct my anger toward the true problem. My H and I didn't have a good relationship at the time of his affair, I knew there were some problems but thought they were just mine, and he didn't know how to approach them with me. I have more right to be angry with the OW, if you look at my profile you will see she pretended to be my friend. I realize now that the anger I had at her initially was so intense, yet I had very little towards him, just irritation. Maybe you would like to see a counsellor to talk this through. It helped me tremendously to have that.<BR>I would haul him into that office to. You are right in thinking about your son, you both need to establish some communication skills for his benefit. It is in his best interest that the two of you are able to communicate better....You must consider that.<BR>As far as telling the OW's H, I wouldn't. The first thing is that he has expressed a definate wish for you not to. What does it do for you to tell him? He probably wouldn't believe you and I think it's only going to intensify the emotions between all four of you, what you want to do is cool emotions down instead. The more you intensify them the more they will want to stay in contact. The OW's H knew of their relationship long before I did and I don't think I could have taken him telling me very well, it would have been humiliating and I might not have believed him. He needs to find out the true character of his wife on his own, without interference. I repeat, what good will it do you? <BR>To address another question, until recently I thought my H was protecting the OW from my rath by taking the brunt of my anger. I found out that he just wanted to do things right, he knew he was to blame and that if there was any hope for us, he should be the one to stand up and take it. He was right, I needed to deal with the truth of the situation, that she had NOT tempted him away from me, that he had chosen to go that route on his own and he needed to face the consequences of his own actions for us to make anything more of this marriage....Maybe that's what you H is attempting to do?<BR>Either way, I pray for both of you and for your son, God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P>

could you write him an anonymous letter?

Wealtheow,<BR> Welcome, I'm sorry you have to be here. There are some of the "Kindest" people I've ever met in my life here. It's a shame we had to meet like this. However, you will find help, prayers, tears and laughter here. AND plenty of wisdom!!<P> I agree with Chick's advice. I WOULDN'T and DIDN't tell OM's W about it. I thought I could stop it myself. IF IT'S OVER DON'T TELL HIM. Why hurt him? That's how I felt.<BR> However, if your H DOESN'T stop. All's fair.... and OW's H then DESERVES to know.<BR> But like I said if it's over, start re-building your marriage. This is what God wants and what you should work towards for your son's sake too.<BR> As for your H being powerful. I think YOU have the power!!! HE doesn't want this in the papers!!! I'm sure he's bluffing (and sweating) But don't use your power. LOVE him back (if you can) As hard as this will be to accept, you need to find out YOUR part in this. You weren't meeting his needs. He asked you to go online with him right? That, is an easy need to fill. My prayers are with you. FRANK<BR> <P>------------------<BR>desperate<BR>"If yesterday didn't stop today, Why should TODAY stop tomorrow??" <BR>"Wisdom is why!!"<P>

Wealtheow:<P>I understand your desire to tell the OW's H, but the question you should be asking yourself is "What good will it do me?" What is it that you want now that you know about the affair? Do you want your H back? Do want a divorce? What are you looking for?<P>If telling the OW's H will help you accomplish what you want, then do it. If it will not, then don't do it. I know that's easier said than done, but it's really true. I understand the desire for revenge. I had it too. I actually DID write to OM's wife. It worked out for me because I got what I wanted: I exposed the OM to his W and I got him out of our lives.<P>I suspect your H <I>does</I> have some influence in the legal circles in your area. As a judge, that's only natural. However, the fact that he's threatening to make your life miserable if you contact OW's H tells me that y'all have bigger problems. Y'all need professional help to get over the hurt and anger. To heal the marriage.<P>If you want to remain married to this man, then the two of you need to learn to be honest with each other, to respect each other, and to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement. I would urge you to get a counselor. If H won't go, go without him. At least you can help yourself.<P>As for the OW's H, I'm sure he'll find out soon enough. She's going to pay eventually.<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<P>