<p>[ December 21, 2001: Message edited by: Getting very tired ]</p>

It is really hard and I really can empathize with you. I haven't done any Christmas shopping yet. THe kids and I did manage to get the tree up and most of the decorations. We also got the outside lights up.<p>I am really down in the dumps emotionally though. I usually love this time of year. This year I wish I could just crawl into a hole. <p>Sorry, I am not very encouraging. The teenage years are tough...I have two teenage girls, so I know how you feel. They usually are pretty good tho. <p>It is the never ending chores that are a killer. My H gets them for weekends...and doesn't have to do any of the work. Life really doesn't seem fair sometimes, does it. <p>Hang in there---we are supposed to get stronger by going through this. The kids do appreciate your efforts even though they may not say it.

I doubt that the WS feels crappy at all [maybe a few twinges of guilt that can be easily rationalized away]. They are in a situation of thier own choosing - usually with thier current "soulmate" - you are not. They are not heartbroken, rejected or betrayed. You are. They are not separated from thier spouse against thier will, you are.

GVT, If one needs to whine, this is the place to do it. This is where you are to let it all out so that you do not project on others. You should never feel ashamed of being down or overwhelmed. You are handling a huge burden and have much on your plate. An A is the worst pain I have ever felt then add something else and wham-o, life is overwhelming. <p>One reason you are probably so down is that you have to "pretend" with everyone that all is well. No one is helping you carry your burden. Is there no one who you can talk to? I know this is a long process and it is very rare to find anyone who will listen as much as we need to talk but I find having a few people to confide in can bring needed release. Your children do not understand and maybe blame you totally for their Mom not being there. It sounds like they are depressed. Going through puberty is enough in itself without having a family split up going on around the holidays.<p>I see your efforts with your family and appreciate that you want to give your sons a home life that is somewhat stable. Hang in there and make sure you do things to recharge and relax. Exhaustion will make you whine.....and feel more depressed than usual. <p>Keep posting,
TW

GVT,<p>I think the answer to this vent is in your name. It is tiring. I will tell you though that a 16 year old boy's vocabulary general consists of "fine", "good", "What??", and that gagging noise. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>In short your son sounds pretty normal. They may not show it but they really miss their mother, and they do see what you are doing. It is unlikely that you will hear anything positive from them for many years. Mark Twain commented on his father's ability to learn fast. It seemed that his Dad made a hugh leap up the learning curve during the period that Twain went from 17 to 21 years of age. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I suspect you will see this also. If you don't have anyone to talk with you really need to find someone. You are struggling with being a single parent, and the after affects of your W's affair and her selfish decisions. I would find a close friend who will keep their mouth shut or preferably a clergyman.<p>GVT, this is tough going and you are doing very well. Hang in there my man.<p>God Bless,<p>JL<p>[ December 16, 2001: Message edited by: Just Learning ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Getting very tired:
<strong>I realize that my predicament is not as long lasting as others (4 months) but damn it would be nice to at least see my wife again even if she is mad at me about something. Just to have someone to touch if nothing else just to hold her hand.</strong><hr></blockquote>
Hang in there, GVT, you're not alone. I have not seen my WH in 7 months, except for once (in Sept.), and that was because I went to the town he is currently living and working in! Not to make you feel worse, or try to "one-up" you - just to point out that there are some of us out here, who know what you are saying.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>I am trying my best to get into the Christmas spirit. The boys and I put up the tree yesterday. I let them pick it out and their reaction on a scale of 1 to 10 was about a 2. Same with decorating it. It isn't so much as they seem to miss their mother (they do) but as they don't really give a damn right now. Same with decorating the tree. </strong><hr></blockquote>
Sounds like a little clinical depression to me. Are they in therapy? Do you think they would go, or benefit? I'd look into it....they are probably keeping a lot inside. <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>I got enough work to do around the house and yard to keep me busy for a week. As soon as I try to get one thing done 4 more seem to pop up with greater priority than any on the list.</strong><hr></blockquote>
I understand this toO!! I was out in the backyard, giving the dogs food and water (they were OUT of both - I have NO IDEA for how long) and suddenly realized that there's just TOO MUCH around here for me to do alone! I almost cried. And that's without all the DISASTERS that have happened!!! My washer (7 months old) flooded the utility room and into the rest of the house last Sunday. Come to find out, the drain hose had been eaten by MICE!!! I have mice in my attic.....they come down and eat on the hose, cause (someone at the Depot said), "They like the plastic from that hose for their nests." [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>OK, call the repair co. - "OH! 7 months old? It's covered under warranty!" Great!! Repair guy comes out Wed. - "Ooops, mice did that? THAT's not covered...." GREAT!!
(Week before last, the dishwasher overflowed through a pipe that never got capped off, all over the utility room floor.....I've got the CLEANEST utility room floor of ANYONE, bar none!)
All this week, feeding my mice POISON!! Now I have DEAD mice in my attic.
How are ya feelin' now, GVT??????<p><strong> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> I feel so damn depressed sometimes and it seems my best efforts with my sons are shrugged off as who cares. <hr></blockquote></strong>
This is typical teen-ager behavior, you know this. Gotta just let them be..... <p><strong> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Do WS go through this same crap being with their OP? <hr></blockquote></strong>
I believe they do! You'll have to get answers from a real live, XWS to know for sure, though!! Everyone here has told me they do, though.
I sincerely hope so!! I would HATE to think I'M this miserable all by myself, when HE's the one who's having the damn A!!!<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>[wb]Is it the season that we are supposed to be with our family and loved ones. (things would be 10 times worse if the rest of my family knew - the prying questions would be UNREAL).
*[/QB]<hr></blockquote>
I understand this, too!! Going to family next Sunday, and I'm expecting the "inquisition." They KNOW, BUT they don't necessarily agree with my "stand" against Divorce, and don't know WHY I think I should "hang in there...." (especially since WH is having A - my mistake for telling them!!!) so I figure it'll be all battling all day. Whoopee!!<p>Actually, to give you another perspective: Christmas is to celebrate the birth of Jesus. He came to earth to die to give us the gift of eternal life.....WE have distorted the meaning of the holiday to focus on US. Not you, personally, but you know what I mean!<p>I think the "holidays" are especially bad for all of us (particularly if our homes aren't "intact" because the enemy of God is making us keep our eyes on ourselves, instead of HIM, so we miss the incredible gift HE came to give us, and the joy in the season.<p>I don't know if you are a Christian man, GVT, and I don't mean to offend, but this is what I believe, and I see it everyday....MORE disasters come into my life, and it takes AWAY the joy I'm TRYING to maintain about the Christmas celebration, WITH or WITHOUT my WH. This holiday is about Jesus Christ and our relationship with HIM, NOT about us or gift giving to each other, or anything else....I'm trying to draw closer to HIM this Christmas, to regain what I had let slip away from me, and what Satan is trying to completely make me miss. My H's problems are his own, and it's up to him and HIS GOD to deal with that. <p>Keep focused on what you know you need to do, and ask God for help, and you'll make it through!<p>You probably didn't want a sermon, but that is the big picture as I see it about Christmas and our "reaction" to our WS's absence and attitude about it!<p>As far as the whining? We are all "allowed" once in a while.....I guess today WAS your day!!! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>God Bless,
Lupo

GTV ... If WS with OP, they are loughing & enjoying each other, don't kid yourself. I snooped and I have a library of tape of their conversation in the car, it dropped my LB$ to nill. I stoped it since it doesn't contibute anything positive, I know enough about the A. However when WS is out of the fog temporary, they feels what BS feels ... pain. I witness my WW got sick w/o explanation and brought her to emergency room. WW is not stopping ... she is addicted to OM. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] I will have to do plan B to break it, I could not wait a go ahead signal from Steve.<p>I could empathize your situation. My WW is "moving out", I am a single dad since D-day to a soon to be teenager (12 y/o D) and 9 y/o D. She is not working so I support her ... including buying thing for OM !. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] . She comes whenever she want to be a "good" mom, bribing my 2 D with gifts that are bought with my money [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] and Steve still want me to continue my habit of giving her a hug/kiss on the cheek when she comes or goes. Sometime I wonder who is in the fog, me or WS.<p>Vent here ... and get male friend to talk to ... I met Jeffers not long ago, it helps. I saw needing post on try to get freind to talk to.

Well, I have to disagree. I think many WS feel crappy and confused about their lives and guilty for what they have done. <p>My thoughts about your sons... I'm thinking it might be good to talk with them and let them know that you are sad and don't know how to show it. I'm sure they are missing their mom and this just might open up some communication with your sons. This would be good for you as well as for them.<p>Good luck...and try to hold onto the GOOD things going in your life!

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by ConfusedMom:
<strong>Well, I have to disagree. I think many WS feel crappy and confused about their lives and guilty for what they have done.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Yes, when they are not in the fog but when they are in the fog ... their selfishness will blinded them. Again, I heard my WW laughs w/ OP ... I know it is not fake or in the pain ... I read some posts from WS that states the same thing.

<p>[ December 21, 2001: Message edited by: Getting very tired ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Getting very tired:
<strong>So I try to keep best face on and hope that that is the light I see at the end of the tunnel or else it is just a freight train heading my way.
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>You make me smile with this expression of light at the end of tunnel. GVT, IMVHO, you have to do plan B if she is not coming home as she said she would. You know, when words and actions are conflicting, always choose the actions. You might want to ask professional to help you out to evaluate your situation, get Steve or Jannifer to evaluate it before you go to plan B. Probably you should write a nice plan B letter when you still have a lot of love for your wife then save it.<p>[ December 17, 2001: Message edited by: redhat ]</p>

Trust me...there are many different kinds of affairs, and many emotions behind having them. Some WS may not have a care in the world...and some may feel absolutely terrible. Don't predict the behavior of all WS based on your own experiences...because that's not the whole story and doesn't encompass the entire scope of human nature.<p>Really, in the end...it varies in a case-by-case way...how the WS feels would probably depend on the situation and the type of affair. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]

<strong>Trust me...there are many different kinds of affairs, and many emotions behind having them. Some WS may not have a care in the world...and some may feel absolutely terrible. Don't predict the behavior of all WS based on your own experiences...because that's not the whole story and doesn't encompass the entire scope of human nature.<p>Really, in the end...it varies in a case-by-case way...how the WS feels would probably depend on the situation and the type of affair. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] </strong>[/QUOTE]<p>TTF, I agree completely with you but this forum is for us to vent, shared experiences and support ... we relay on prefessional help, I have MC from this MB but he can not be around all the time to help us through tough time.<p>What bring you here ?. I saw your post about living together ... Welcome to MB, hope you find what you are looking for and learn how to build caring & loving relations.<p>PS. to GVT ... sorry we hijack your post.

I guess some WS should speak up here, since there is alot of conjecture from the BS point of view...As a former WS, I can tell you that Toward the future is exactly correct in that each WS tends to react differently, depending on where they are in the A and how deep the fog is, just as BS all react at different levels, albeit similar reactions and feelings.<p>I know for me, there were stages of feeling crappy...when Dday happened....when I was justifying and rationalizing what I did....when the realizations hit me as to what I did, what I was losing, how I really felt.....there were many different emotions....and yes, there were those times when when I didn't feel crappy at the time I was with OW, but immediately afterwards.....a huge swell of crappiness hit hard!!! But the worst days....were when I was honest with myself about what was happening....and some WS are not there yet....so their crappiest days are yet to come....and may not happen for quite some time...but rest assured...they will happen....someday. To say that WS don't feel these things is false....they may not admit it, due to their own egos and justifications...but they do....somewhere inside....they are hurting and tortured too....<p>I hope this helps....and again, it's just one WS opinion.<p>*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.*<p>Trueheart

<p>[ December 21, 2001: Message edited by: Getting very tired ]</p>

GVT,
Glad that everything went well today for you. I am a plan A believer but I am also aware that some cases you have to let it go, specially when BS's could not take it no more. I am afraid for you draging this more than you should. From your description so far you just have to hang on ... WW's A will die sooner or later. Mine is showing crack too, my WW loves D so much. She is LB'ed OM by staying home more since this is winter break. I don't think OM could understand this, her cell just ringing and my WW let it rang. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] .