OK, here's the amazing deal.<p>We just got back from a cruise--got a great last minute deal for airline employees. While on board we mostly had a great time, with one unhappy episode when I caught him "looking" at one of the assistant activities directors. This led to many tears (me, of course) and some frank talk about how impossible it is for me to trust him and how I feel I have to prepare myself to be single again since he can't be trusted. (It's true that I probably LB too much.)<p>Anyway, after we had calmed down a little, my husband suggested that we see a lawyer and set up a contract whereby if he ever leaves me or is unfaithful again, I get everything. The house, the cars, the 401k, the investments, his clothes, everything. This contract is to reassure me that he is totally, 100% committed to our marriage. Husband didn't have that desperate or angry tone of voice, but I didn't know whether to believe it, so later on, I told him how much it meant to me that he would make such an offer, and that I wanted us to consult a lawyer after the holidays. He agreed peacefully.<p>So, whaddaya think? Anyone tried this? Any lawyers out there with an opinion?<p>Thanks!<p>Rose Red<p>(Also posted on Recovery forum)<p>[ December 17, 2001: Message edited by: Rose Red ]</p>

Rose Red,<p>I am a BS just to clearify for what I am going to say and hope you take it as an honest opinion for you. I will look for you later when I need a venusian's opinion, my wife is one of them.<p>... While on board we mostly had a great time, with one unhappy episode when I caught him "looking" at one of the assistant activities directors. ...
No need to answer this Q just for you to do selflection. Have you ever work on why he is "looking" ?. SF is not there or what ?. Pls answer this one - Did he ask her out or he is "hungry looking ?". Food for thought ... you have not solved your original M problem at all. YOUR PART.
This led to many tears (me, of course) and some frank talk about how impossible it is for me to trust him and how I feel I have to prepare myself to be single again since he can't be trusted. (It's true that I probably LB too much.)
Plan A'ng is forever to have a fullfilling M. Keep LB'ing you will drive your H to another OW very quiker than you could spell lawyer. Do you think financial control will tie H down ?, nope ... only caring & loving M. What happen if H find a venusian Pilot and tell him that he could come over and she provides everything including filling his EN that he feels is missing ?. Nice, huh ?.<p>Three is a crowd as you know it, including lawyer. If this will satisfy your Financial EN, do it but you have missed the bigger picture ... H is willing to work on your M, he is showing it but have you ?. He might needs professinal help too but have you work on your anger & resentment ?. Read what love is - 1Cor 13:4-7. It keeps no records of wrong.<p>IMVHO, get MC to build caring&loving M, get him to agree to see MC if you have not done that already. Lawyer or no lawyer is not the issue. Sorry if any of my words offended you.

<<<my husband suggested that we see a lawyer and set up a contract whereby if he ever leaves me or is unfaithful again, I get everything.>>><p>I'm not a lawyer, but here's what jumped out at me -- how could you ever prove it??<p>If he actually walked out and filed for divorce on his own -- well, maybe. But "prove" that he was unfaithful? If you think the lies are bad now, just wait until you're in court trying to get your "everything." He would never let this happen. He would lie and lie and lie and manipulate and twist and distort until you spent every last cent of "everything" on lawyers.<p>Men who are trustworthy don't need to make bargains like this.<p>Good luck --
Psycho_B***h

RedHat wrote:<p>Keep LB'ing you will drive your H to another OW very quiker than you could spell lawyer.
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That crap. There is nothing you can to do to drive your H to OW and there is nothing you can do to keep your H from OW. It is your H choice. Talk about a LB - how about an A - that is a huge LB - I don't see you running out trying to have an affair. Why? Because you are committed to working on your marriage. <p>----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As far as the rest of what the responses wrote - they are right. I think your H heart is right by suggesting it which just means his heart is ripe for the counseling you guys so desparately need. <p>I would take his comment as a LoveBank Deposit - it was a nice thought - but not follow through with it. Get in counseling and start working on the root issues and not trust treating the symptoms. The affair was just a symptom of a root problem.

RoseRed:<p>Not familiar with your story but my take on the situation is that your WH wants to make you feel secure that he won't have another A. I am an attorney, and although I do not practice family law, I do see some pracical problems with his offer. As pointed out, how would you prove his infidelity? I expect if you had to prove it, it would be before a family law judge and then the level of proof would likely be by a preponderance of the evidence (that it is more likely the A occurred than it didn't).<p>Further, my understanding of family law is that the judge will ultimately decide how the assets are split, and may not be bound to this contract. I'm not even sure it is a contract. In law, to have an enforceable contract, there must be what is called consideration. What would you be giving him in exchange for his agreement (i.e., agreeing to stay in the M)? He would probably be able to set up some other defenses to the contract such as duress, or that you were responsible for the demise of your M and not him. Litigation on these issues can get very nasty.<p>Another problem is the 401K. I'm not sure that he can under federal law completely divest his interest in the pension plan. Even if he could, he would almost certainly be required to sign a separate waiver with the plan administrator, otherwise the contract would not be enforeable against the 401K plan.<p>Perhaps your best course of action would be to ask a lawyer in your state whether he could prepare what is knowm as an ante-nuptual agreement. This is basically the same as a pre-nuptual agreement but executed AFTER the M instead of before. My understanding is that there are many problems enforcing these agreements if divorce proceedings are instituted. Usually, if they are enforced, they should contain reasonable terms and be reviewed by your husband's separate legal counsel. It is a conflict of interest for one attorney to represent you both in this matter, and although the conflict can be waived, it is much better practice for the two of you to be represented by separate attorneys.<p>The terms set forth in your H's offer are probably practically and legally not feasible. Most lawyers would likely pass on trying to draft such an agreement (unless it were reasonable and negotiated with separate counsel).<p>My non-lawyer advice: use the MB books and techniques as insurance against another A. This will likely give you much more security than any written instrument.

Thanks, folks. This kind of devil's advocacy is what I want to help me see through this problem.<p>redhat, I know your advice is good--I remember when you first came here. How am I doing at meeting my husband's needs? SF is going great. No problems there. Other needs are being met, all more or less within standards. Changes have been made.<p>Have I dealt with anger and resentment? Maybe, and I'm trying to deal with it better. Will I drive my husband into another woman's arms? I certainly hope not, and will try not to do this, but this is not a situation where I feel that I have to win him back or try to keep him at all costs. If he ever strays again, he is history. Gone. Forever. I like the Harley's approach, but I'm not going to follow it into my own personal oblivion. I love him, but I'm not going to love him so much that I lose myself in the process. I come at a price, and my price is faithfulness. No offense taken here, redhat--thanks for your input.<p>P_B, I agree with you that it would be very hard to establish whether or not he was unfaithful in the future. I'm not even sure that I could prove he already did, since all I have is his word and the word of his OW, both of which could be rescinded at any time, if necessary for his self-preservation. However, this may not even be the point. We're not talking here about a man who has lied and waffled since D-day. This husband has become a much more patient and understanding and loving person since his affair ended. He has been penitent and remorseful since D-day, and seems to be trying to rebuild trust, but I am just terrified to let go and trust him at all.<p>Would he willingly walk naked and empty-handed out of our marriage? Probably not (but it sure is interesting to contemplate). I guess the question is whether or not this gesture would add to my security and help convince me that he is serious about our marriage. Endlessly telling me that he won't ever do that again only reminds me that he is capable of lying to me. This whole thing is getting complicated, and I seem to have talked myself around in a circle. But I don't see this offer as evidence of a devious nature. Thanks, P_B, and by the way, how did you get that name???<p>notheard, you are right, this was a major Love Bank Deposit. I could actually feel us take a couple of steps in the direction of trust-building when he said that. And I don't want to push the issue so that he perceives my interest to be in getting "everything," when my interest is actually in regaining a trustworthy husband.<p>RJB2, thanks for your advice. I understand the legal problems with such a plan, and don't want to get ugly in court at a later date. The idea of an ante-nuptual agreement is interesting, although I don't imagine it would have much point if we were using separate lawyers. No realistic lawyer would advise my husband to put so much into my hands, but without requiring some sacrifice on my husband's part, this contract would be essentially meaningless. Without requiring a significant financial investment, it wouldn't convince me that my husband is making a significant investment in our marriage.<p>Ok, what if we just put as many of our assets in my name only? No requirements about proving affairs, just put the house, savings and checking accounts, investment accounts, etc, into my name? Actually, I'm a little leery about the house since as a SAHM I currently have no way to pay a mortgage, but I guess I could sell it...? I guess I would have to give up on the 401k, but there are enough other investments. Basically the whole thing seems like a trust-building exercise to me, and one that does seem to be making me feel a bit better. The actual legal situation matters to me less than the fact that he suggested it and would agree to it, so I feel very flexible here. Thank you, RJB2!<p>I knew I could count on the active minds of MB'ers to help me think this through! Any other insights gratefully considered!<p>Rose Red