With the freedom women have gained in the last 80 years and the Womens Lib movement it seems we have reversed roles in our American Culture these days. Are American Wives becoming Amazons by changing out their Husbands when they tire of them? So far in my seperation I have learned some hard facts of life. 1.Women divorce Men twice as often. 2. MOST marriages suffer from infidelity?!?! 3.The Women in my wifes life plus the few I work with seem to almost always bring up sex in their conversations with each other. (Men dont make it a habit to discuss it with their friends after puberty). It appears as though modren day women have diffuclty being monogamous. Men used to have traditionaly been accused of being over sexed and thinking with the wrong head. I am just trying to understand how our culture has been changed to be so anti-family.
From learning about affairs from "Surviving an Affair " I now believe my wife of twenty years did somthing a few years back when she became more and more distant. She was a stay at home mom while I did my best to support our disfunctional family of 5. I was accused of being too controlling. She slept on the couch and she became parinoid I was listening in on her calls. I have been under a lot of stress and depression due to the frustration and resorted to first drinking and then I quit only to get into internet porn out of lonelieness. She has always had health issues and when she came down with Herpes II last year I started asking for her to go to marriage counseling. This year she spent 6 weeks out of state to "help her grandmother" so when she came back I pressed her for counseling and she filed a 12 month PFA to avoid it. Yes I made the mistake of spanking her when she tried to wrestle & tickle me but I did not rape her like she reported. Because of her I.C. and health issues she has sucessfully convinced all her friends, some Church Elders and our counseler that it was me that gave her STD because I drank 3 yrs ago and was into internet porn last year. After a lot of memory jogging and witch hunting I came up with no illicit relationship(I never cheated). I even had a Blood test done to prove my immune system was never exposed to Herpes I or II. Although I gave a copy of this to our Counselor, he still wont see or talk to me because he had trouble with the truth in the case. Previously he told me my wife has some serious emotional issues. My wife is an expert excuse maker and He said He wont even start to work on the marriage until the truth comes out about how she got the STD.
I believe my wife expects this seperation to silence me and drop the subject of infidelity. I am not very social and she has turned most people I do know against me with her rumor control phone calls. I like the Love Bank concept but dont want to endure any more abuse. If she would just appoligize I would be happy to rebuild our marriage the right way but I dont want to wait 12 months to start talking about it. She is lying or in serious denial and our only comunication is through lawyers now. I have had a pretty much laid back approach for this year in walking on egg shells around her trying to keep the peace. When the PFA started I told my Lawyer to let her control custody. Maybe it is time to hit the 6 month Plan B Tough Love Button. Actually divorce may be a blessing for me and the kids due to my wife's mental & physical health issues. I just want to have God's wisdom on planning & timeing. <p>[ December 15, 2001: Message edited by: 20yrs hurt Husband ]<p>
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
<p>
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posts: 5 | Registered: Dec 2001 | IP: Logged
linbap
Junior Member
Member # 15025
posted December 15, 2001 08:46 PM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi. Welcome aboard. We'll see if we can sort out some of this with you, but so much has happened and probably a huge amount we don't know about yet (it can be impossible to give all the back ground at once), so be patient if we ask a lot of questions.
The STD thing seems to be a biggy, so let me ask you this: did either of you (wife especially) have sex before you were married? I know most sources say an out-break occurs within a few days/weeks, but that is not necessarily so. I have not heard of a blood test for herpes, usually they would do a swab, but it is possible for a MAN to carry the virus around for a very long time and not even know when he has outbreaks. So, if either of you had partners before you were married, it may not mean what you think it means. It may very well have been the stress of what was happening in your marriage that finally brought on an outbreak.
You decided she had had an affair after reading about surviving an affair? What prompted you to be reading that area? She may have been distant and sleeping on the couch because you were making her so unhappy, not because she was having an affair.
You SPANKED HER? I don't even want to go there. I'll let someone else pick up the ball here.
Are YOU in counseling? You didn't seem to take any responsibility for any of the problems and that always concerns me.I realize we don't know all that has be going on in your marriage, but so far, everything seems to be presented as HER fault. Find a good counselor and explore what role you may have played in the problems in your marriage and what you refered to as your disfunctional family. Don't waste your year being "laid back". Use it to see what is your responsibility to change. You'll be doing yourself and your children a big favor, no matter how your marriage turns out.<p>
"every action causes a reaction. choose your actions carefully" <p>
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posts: 12 | Registered: Dec 2001 | IP: Logged
20yrs hurt Husband
Junior Member
Member # 15085
posted December 17, 2001 10:28 AM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I did see our marriage counselor for 6 individual appointments before he dropped me. He started me on a Christian 12- Step program for the internet porn and of course masturbation. I am now 3 months clean from both in addition to trying “to keep a covenant with my eyes” in daily life. I never was a violent man but am dealing with anger issues I find. Also I made myself accountable to a few men from church. I really feel I have learned more on marriage in the last 3 months than I learned in 20 years. I have been seeing our pastor almost weekly. I also have an appointment this week with another professional counselor to work on further restoration of my life and emotions. I must add since I have come to the conclusion of infidelity I now have a sense of closure to the frustration. I knew something was very wrong but could never get my wife to go to counseling. From the Books, Counseling and Prayer I am finally seeing freedom and peace. I have no bitterness towards my wife like I used to. I am looking for this situation to help me become a better man. I think our marriage could be so wonderful if we could honestly talk and put these principals into action.
My wife was diagnosed with HerpesII in 4/2000. First, I settled on the conclusion of this being an accident of some sort or from one of my 2 premarital episodes 23 years ago (although we never had any prior symptoms). She claims she was a virgin but we spent a lot of time and money on counselors in our first 10 years exploring the possibility of her suffering child molestation. My wife also denied she was promiscuous until we met. Then again she would deny she was masturbating in bed next to me. I would wake up when we did sleep together two years ago and try to hold her and tell her I have had that problem too and would like to meet her needs. Sadly she always said to leave her alone she is trying to sleep. I became lonely and begged her to talk about our marriage.
But she became so defensive and would never agree with me to discuss this with a counselor. It was obvious she couldn’t stand to be around me on my days off. I was told many times I was too controlling. She then spent the following 17 months planning with her paralegal friend and gathering “evidence” of my every move. I think she was betting the farm on me getting Herpes II from her after about 50-75 contacts. It was only a matter of time before I messed up. The internet porn made me look like a pervert. I let her run the house and kids because she constantly changed my rules. I let her go to Ohio on and off for about 6 weeks this spring and got scared when she wouldn’t come home or call when she promised. Her Sisters called me from OH telling me they were worried about her weight loss, mental health and partying. By that time I was begging her for marriage counseling for 6 months solid. I did not really yell much. I just was bluntly asking her if she wanted a divorce. The PFA happened weeks after the alleged incidents and was used by her and the counselor to make me confess. The problem was I didn’t understand what that was. She told me as soon as I tell the truth she will let me come home. <p>I had the blood test done to ease my mind and get to the truth. The STD clinic told me to have my doctor order a $100 antibody blood test from CA. It detects both Herpes I & II antibodies individually in the immune system. Once someone is infected this will show for life regardless of out breaks or remission. This was called an ELISA test. You can look this up on the web at the Herpes Resource Center. Three doctors have since confirmed I never had either form of the disease.<p>This is what I do now know:<p>1.Herpes II dose not come from toilet seats or from Herpes I via oral sex.<p>2.If I did contract herpes II 23 years ago my antibody levels would still read positive today.<p>3.She was re-diagnosed with Herpes II using the swab test again this summer and given lots of Valtrex. She had a massive outbreak last year and did not want to be treated at first.<p>4.Although she now denies she ever had it (since my test results), my pastor and the counselor both heard her admit she dose and we all have copies of the letter she wrote accusing me of infecting her. <p>As far as her side of the story goes I have real issues “sex addictions” and we are to have individual counseling. OK that is fine, but she has successfully convinced her friends, her lawyer and our counselor that her having Herpes is not an issue any more. She doesn’t even think we are on the verge of divorce. I am afraid she may be a pathological liar. <p>
[ December 17, 2001: Message edited by: 20yrs hurt Husband ]<p>
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posts: 5 | Registered: Dec 2001 | IP: Logged
peeceseeker
Junior Member
Member # 15118
posted December 17, 2001 10:46 AM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Everything in this world happens for a reason. I am sorry that you're going through whatever you situation might be.
My point is this you need time off, take sometime to learn to love yourself and forgive yourself for the many things you've done to yourself and to others especially your wife. For a second lets forget about your wife and her abilities to lie, manipulate etc. etc. and lets talk about YOU. You've to do a whole lot of work on, YOU first and then you can pray and ask your wife if she would work on the marriage with YOU. <p>If she says no, you've to respect her and continue praying, loving yourself, your kids and her too. 20yrs is a whole lot of years of frustration, damages and God knows what, a few months of counselling ain't gonna cut it, you guys coming under the same roof with no extensive work ain't gonna cut it either, there should be a total revamp of individuals involved in the relationship. God Bless and good luck<p>--------------------<p>peeceseeker<p>
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posts: 3 | Registered: Dec 2001 | IP: Logged
20yrs hurt Husband
Junior Member
Member # 15085
posted December 17, 2001 11:03 AM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thanks! I am looking foward to it. I know it is time to grow up now that I am 40. I also have resolved to continue to stay at my Dad's for a while if she dose drop the PFA to work on the marriage. The last thing we need is to pretend everything is ok. I am real impressed with Dr Harley's radical stance on Honesty and the Love Bank concept.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posts: 5 | Registered: Dec 2001 | IP: Logged
<p>All times are CT (US) <p> [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]
