Please read my profile. I have worked through my devastation at the knowledge of what happened. I have moved on from my anger towards my husband and I have put the family member out of my life also now. I have spoken to my friends that were informed and they have been so supportive of me and they have put the family member out of their life also. Not on my behalf but due to problems that this person created for them also. Long story. The bottom line is that I would like the truth about the length of the liaison between them. My husband is adamant that he had no feelings for her and that he told her after it happened that he was not interested in a relationship with her apart from a bit of company as he was a long way from home and the occasional sex between two consenting adults. It makes me sick to the pit of my stomach that they could be as clinical about it as that. When he was there I recall the first time I heard her name mentioned alongside my husbands I felt incredibly uncomfortable. I remember saying to him in a telephone conversation that I heard he was keeping company with her and that I had heard it from a mutual friend of ours and hers. Next thing I get a phone call from this mutual friend telling me that my H had called her and told her not cause me any unnecessary upset that there was nothing going on and that he also called the particular female and told her he would not be frequenting her company in the future. She continued to call him for sex and he told her not to phone him or contact him again. I have since been told that she was furious with how he just dumped her and she set out to make sure I found out about his tryst with her. I have spoken to her by phone and she said that it went for six weeks he stands by his story that it happened three times. I want the truth and I want to know it for the pure reason that this vindictive family member will take great delight in hurting me any way they can. I am ashamed to say that when this all came out and this person took great delight in hurting my family and me to get at my H and saw what was happening and advised this person of the infidelity in their marriage that had happened several years back unknown to this person. I was the one that intervened and told the partner to stop what was going on as my neice and nephew did not need to come from a broken family. It stopped and I kept it to myself for all those years.<P>I still have times that I wonder why I let him come home. I threw him out and refused to take any calls from him and I would take off in my car when he came to see me. Dreadful after 26 years of marriage eh. He regrets what he has done but I want closure. <BR>Can you guys help me. BTW we are both in our middle forties now. We married when I was 19 and he was 21.<P>------------------<BR>Make each day count.

After reading your profile and then your posted message, it is incredible how much some of our problems seem to parallel each other. Why is it that the Hs seem to think that they can just do as they want and have no concern for our feelings or for doing what is "right"? They always tend to try to justify that they are right and we are in the wrong! You sound like me in that you love your H, but you just can't take this anymore and want closure. The H thinks that it's all you, or all me, when really they are blind to seee that 90% of the way that we react to them and treat them is dependent on how they treat us, with respect or no respect, with kindness and gentleness or none of that. Good luck with your situation.

Forevertrue, Your profile sounds so much like mine-My friend, my H, and my SIL. The SIL took great delight in telling the rest of the family about the affair, simply because she never wanted us to be married to begin with. You have some VERY valid emotions and the people here on this board have been there. I myself am a success story, I followed the advice of the people here, did some deep breathing, and major exercising, reading, and counselling and we're in a much better place now than ever before.<BR>The relationship your H had has been going on for a long time, he's had so much time to "compartamentalize" everything. He probably is telling you what he believes in and that is why it sounds so clinical, easier to face than the guilt he probably is feeling. It sounds as though he has made the committment towards you, now you need to calm down long enough to think things through clearly. <BR>READ, read Dr. Harley's books, read "After the Affair". Know that marriages that survive this type of devistation are usually better than ever before. Get a counsellor and tell him that if he wants to make this work, this is one of the requirements, it will help you as well. <BR>The most important thing I tell everyone and you may think this is crazy is to breath. If you find yourself in a bad thought process and can't seem to think straight the one thing I kept forgetting to do was breath. I was aggitated and didn't realize that I was taking alot of very shallow short breaths. This doesn't help towards thinking clearly at all. Take 5 REALLY deep breaths, and then put it all down on paper, it will come out then. God Bless You!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P>