Well my wife has been gone since Sunday and she won't be back until 1/2/02. We both have been seeing the counselor seperate from each other for the past 7 weeks. Most of the time spent prior to her leaving to see her family were us being a part. I was at home for the last week before she left. However I found out that she was saying she was working late and she was hanging out with two guy co-workers. I have so many questions and I need some answers. This has been going on now for about 8 weeks. It is hard to sit back and just have to wait for someone else to decide the future for our relationship. If I hang in there until she gets back. If I don't see some change in her I am going to go nuts. I want to know something either way. This fence sitting that she is doing is driving me nuts. SO what do I do when she gets back? Play it cool? Ask her nicely on where she is at with our relationship? By that time I am going to want to know something. I don't want to have to wait another week after she gets back before she goes back to the counselor by her self. Then we will have to wait another week before we both might go to counseling. If that is the case then I know there will be another four weeks before I know anything at all.
There is only so much time I can keep myself busy doing other things so that I am not thinking about it. When I am not working or working out I am just thinking about this all the time. This is so much of my life that I want I can't help but to think about it. I am reading book after book. I am reading all that I can to make myself a better person. But the whole idea of me just not knowing if she will come back with open arms and say I am sorry. Or if she will come back again like she left very cold. Not to be a party pooper but I really don't have much to look forward this Christmas or New Years.
I really could use some advice on how to handle the situation when my wife returns. I don't want her to think once again that she can just sit on the fence for another couple of weeks. By that time it will be 12 weeks since I have discovered her affair and all. I think after three months she should have an idea on what she wants to do. The scary part is that she says she is not ready yet to work on the relationship. I think she wants to still party some more and get what she wants before choosing to work on the relationship. I just can't let her use me like that over and over. I have been dealing with it the best I can now for weeks.
So any advice on how to handle the situation when she comes back? In my head I think one thing and then start think something else. That is going to be a very scary moment because my hopes and dreams could be crushed by her actions when she returns. Plus me being alone drives me nuts thinking what could be going on with her two male co-workers when she is getting high (smoking pot/drinking) with them. Anyone seen the movie Traffic? These are my thoughts on what my wife might be doing with them. This is so hard to deal with..So hard...I take my hat off to those who have worked through this. This is like being torn in half...

>>> When I am not working or working out I am just thinking about this all the time <<<<p>Welcome to my world! (But it is starting to get better, for sure.)<p>>>> I don't want her to think once again that she can just sit on the fence for another couple of weeks. By that time it will be 12 weeks since I have discovered her affair and all. I think after three months she should have an idea on what she wants to do <<<<p>Well, it's been 16 weeks for me, and I'm not much farther than you are. I've committed myself to 5 months of a GOOD Plan A. That means lots of letters (positive ones, Plan A-type), lots of attention, but not smothering. Also, when she's late, it's me asking how her day was, not "where were you?!". It's starting to feel irritating - and that's a sign that Plan A is working for me too - making love bank withdrawals in my account for her. That's a normal thing for the BS - to feel like you describe. Just keep going in your plan.<p>>>> I just can't let her use me like that over and over <<<<p>In one of my sessions with Steve Harley, he asked me if I felt like I was a doormat, an enabler... I said, "yeah, I guess so" - he said, "that's a good sign you're doing a good Plan A". So don't get discouraged by her "using you" - it's part of the process of showing her that you care about her feelings. And pressuring her with deadlines and ultimatums will only backfire, trust me.<p>>>> So any advice on how to handle the situation when she comes back <<<<p>My opinion? Have a plan in your mind and stick to it. It'll make you feel better knowing that there is a well-defined path. Of course, you need to be prepared to adapt - if she leaves, for example. But in the end, you still have a plan of some type, even if changed - follow it.

CG,
what to do when she gets back is not to wait until she gets back! poor foggy little wife is off having her great adventure while you sit back; a holiday basket case ready for the luney bin. please! the thing for you to do is get a life!<p>do the words PLAN B have any meaning to you? if so, get busy. even more important i would be meeting new friends and forming new interests. read, enjoy music, theatre or the movies. keep yourself busy and keep improving on yourself.<p>if you're heavy, make up your mind to lose some weight! if you're thin, decide to put on some muscle. take up running or swimming or spectator sports! play golf or tennis, raquet ball or hand ball. but do things!!! Take a cruise! they are cheap as dirt right now and what a great way to get saway!<p>go out and get yopurself some new cloths! get a different haircut. take up cigar smoking! she'll love that, LOL.<p>look CG, your confused and in a fog just as much as she seems to be. get pro-active and you'll feel better. sieze control of your life. you cant't control her so OK! but why would you allow her to control you?<p>good luck.
poodlepapa

Dear Confused Guy. I posted earlier today that my husband wants a divorce. This came about because he was fence sitting and I couldn't take it anymore. I, half serious, half joking, said to him "maybe we should just get a divorce" and he said "I agree". This wasn't what I wanted to hear at all. I love him very much and don't want to see our marriage end. <p>My point is, if you confront her, be prepared for whatever answer she may give you. I thought I was, but I guess I really wasn't.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by confused_guy:
<strong>Well my wife has been gone since Sunday and she won't be back until 1/2/02. We both have been seeing the counselor seperate from each other for the past 7 weeks. Most of the time spent prior to her leaving to see her family were us being a part. I was at home for the last week before she left. However I found out that she was saying she was working late and she was hanging out with two guy co-workers. I have so many questions and I need some answers. This has been going on now for about 8 weeks. It is hard to sit back and just have to wait for someone else to decide the future for our relationship. If I hang in there until she gets back. If I don't see some change in her I am going to go nuts. I want to know something either way. This fence sitting that she is doing is driving me nuts. SO what do I do when she gets back? Play it cool? Ask her nicely on where she is at with our relationship? By that time I am going to want to know something. I don't want to have to wait another week after she gets back before she goes back to the counselor by her self. Then we will have to wait another week before we both might go to counseling. If that is the case then I know there will be another four weeks before I know anything at all.
There is only so much time I can keep myself busy doing other things so that I am not thinking about it. When I am not working or working out I am just thinking about this all the time. This is so much of my life that I want I can't help but to think about it. I am reading book after book. I am reading all that I can to make myself a better person. But the whole idea of me just not knowing if she will come back with open arms and say I am sorry. Or if she will come back again like she left very cold. Not to be a party pooper but I really don't have much to look forward this Christmas or New Years.
I really could use some advice on how to handle the situation when my wife returns. I don't want her to think once again that she can just sit on the fence for another couple of weeks. By that time it will be 12 weeks since I have discovered her affair and all. I think after three months she should have an idea on what she wants to do. The scary part is that she says she is not ready yet to work on the relationship. I think she wants to still party some more and get what she wants before choosing to work on the relationship. I just can't let her use me like that over and over. I have been dealing with it the best I can now for weeks.
So any advice on how to handle the situation when she comes back? In my head I think one thing and then start think something else. That is going to be a very scary moment because my hopes and dreams could be crushed by her actions when she returns. Plus me being alone drives me nuts thinking what could be going on with her two male co-workers when she is getting high (smoking pot/drinking) with them. Anyone seen the movie Traffic? These are my thoughts on what my wife might be doing with them. This is so hard to deal with..So hard...I take my hat off to those who have worked through this. This is like being torn in half...</strong><hr></blockquote>

poodlepapa/barry ...<p>I couldn't keep myself any busier. I use to hit the gym 3 or 4 times a week. Not I am hitting the gym 6 to 7 times a week. I am at the gym for two hours. I have been doing this now for the past few weeks. If my wife keeps this up I will look like Mr. Universe real soon.
I did see the counselor today and I was glad to hear that she said my wife needs to grow up. That you don't get high with co-workers and then sometimes spend the night with two guys at their place. That did make me a little bit better. The big question is if the counselor will say that to my wife when she gets back. Or will she be a counselor and help my wife with whatever she chooses to do.
Right now my wife wants her cake and eat it to. My wife keeps saying she isn't ready to work on the marriage yet. Yeah no, S@@T... She wants to keep partying and get it out of her system. Also she says she doesn't want to live in a bubble when she comes back. If she is thinking I am going to stay her husband while she is out getting high and staying at other guys places. Well think again. My wife is soon to be 27 but she is acting like she is in high school. So I am hoping a trip back home to Croatia and her seeing her grandparents and friends will maybe wake her up a little bit.
How smart is it for my wife to get high with her co-workers? I feel like making an anonymous phone call to their HR person. But I know that wouldn't be right. But at this point my wife needs a slap in the face from someone other then me or her family or the counselor. If I get the number will someone else make that anonymous phone call for me? Then I can say it wasn't me...lol
I wish she would get caught so that she would have to choose to leave the fog instead of staying in it.
I will hang in there until her return. Keep your fingers crossed that she leaves some or all the fog behind and she comes home to clear skies.
I think 1/2/02 is going to be the big decision day. Thanks for all the advice and help. The help I really would like to see would be for her work to give her department a random drug test. Anyone have any ideas on how I could make that happen but at the same time don't be the person who tells the company???