D-day for us was July 7, 2001. That is when I found out that my wife of 5 years had been involved in a telephone relationship with a guy she works with. Through a chance occurance and cell phone records, I was able to determine that it had been going on for at least 6 months, probably longer. They would call each other on their commutes to and from work, on weekends when I was not around, and when she was out of town on business. When I found out, we went through the usual animated discussions, and over a period of time have arrived at the point we are today. She to this day refuses to admit that it was an EA, and says that they were just "friends" and he was "easy to talk to". When I ask how it got started, and ehat they talked about, she says that she doesn't remember. She said all the calls were completely innocent and she kept them secret because she knew that I would be "pissed off" if I found out. I ask--wouldn't that be a normal reaction on my part? She said that she didn't realize that "my feelings would be hurt so much". To make matters worse, back in February we went out with OM and his wife on two occasions. I was very uncomfortable with the vibes that I picked up between this guy and my wife. The way he looked at her, the general conversation, etc. It was nothing that I could put my finger on exactly, but I just had a feeling that things were not right. I expressed my feelings to my wife, but she obviously continued to carry on the phone relationship until my discovery. When I asked her what was the catalyst for these calls, she said that I had become withdrawn when I had to change jobs. The company that I had worked for for 32 years went out of business. I found a new job quickly, but their was a certain amount of stress involved in the transition. I told her at the time that it was the job that caused me to be tired and somewhat withdrawn. She knew that I was there for her for anything she needed or wanted. She claims to have broken off all contact with OM, and I have been plan A'ing for several months now. We have been getting along great, 0ur sex life is good, and we have fun together. I know that she is trying hard to show me she loves me. The problem is that at times I feel the need to ask her questions about the EA, and she immediately withdraws and will not answers any questions directly. She thinks that I should just "get over it"---it is in the past. I just can't do this because their are many "triggers" that causes mood swings and she wants to know what is wrong. Sometimes I tell her and sometimes I don't.When I do tell her a conversation ensues and I always get the impression that she broke off contact withOM because I was angry and not because she thought it was wrong. Is it normal for me to need to hear her admit that it was WRONG. What should I do Now --any suggestions

Don't expect her to admit that she was wrong! My WH had a full blown affair and won't admit that he was wrong. He has come back and left 3 times now and says he has no guilt or remorse. He says that he feels justified with what he has and is doing.<p>My heart goes out to you and I know that hearing from her that she is remorseful is what you want to hear. Just be aware that it probably won't happen right away and may never happen.<p>My prayers are with you,<p>Le

BIG HUGE RED FLAG.<p>You said: When I asked her what was the catalyst for these calls, she said that I had become withdrawn when I had to change jobs. <p>But Now you say: We have been getting along great, 0ur sex life is good, and we have fun together. I know that she is trying hard to show me she loves me
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What I hear you say is that as long as everything is great - she is faithful. But what happens if something happens at your job and you start to go through stress - is she going to seek him out again? A marriage is for better or worse. Not when things are going great I am there for you but when life gets a little stressful I am outta here.<p>First, I think you need to get in counseling and find out the real reason she was talking to him. Her saying because you were withdrawn is a lame excuse. She needs to take responsibility for her actions and stop blaming you. She sought outside affection while you were withdrawn. It is unreasonable to think you will never in life be withdrawn again. What is going to happen the next time you are withdrawn? Find out now, not when it is too late.<p>It took my H 6 years to admit his "friend" was actually a PA.

BeenDuped,
Of course they are going to lie & it is my experince personally & in reading these posts, the WS can be very creative & convincing at times in their cover ups!
If you have read my posts you will see I have had similar experiences & my DW & I still have these little dances we go through. I believe it comes with the territory.
I'll mention something I have tried & it gives me some help in dealing with these things as my DW will typically get very defensive & get upset as a way to get me off the topic.
I express the fact that, "I am talking about something that is causing me some anxiety & that I feel I have a right to express how I feel & what you do about it is entirely up to you." I will also say that I want her to understand that just becasue she says something is a cetain way that I don't have to believe it -- I am fully capable of my own interpretations & coming to my own conclusion or perpsectives.
I know in my own situation my DW tends to want to be very controling & contiunually cut off my opinions and/or suggestions -- Why not, if she can get her own way & not make any changes & I continue to compley, what's the problem, right -- As long as she is happy, that's the most important thing & she doesn't seem to really care how I feel. This is I believe is somewhat common with WS that are still in the fog. I believe their betrayal is an act of selfishness (DaH!) & they many times don't even realise or have any true empathy as to how we feel!
Hang in there!
Peace be with you!
HH