Well the past 8 weeks have been real hard. I caught my wife in a big time emotional affair and some physical. Besides dealing with the lying I am finding out she is drinking and getting high with her coworkers.
Some time she mentioned to the counselor she wanted to work on the marriage. Well my wife is in Eurpore visiting her family. She won't be back until 1/2/01. I spoke to her on the phone and she tells me that she never said that and that she is unhappy and that I need to let her go. I have been giving it my best A plan for about eight weeks now. I am no where near the point that I want to say I give up and just to let her go.
The question I have for everyone is do I not call her any more while she is over there? Even for Christmas? She gets upset now and the smallest thing. She said she was going to get a tattoo and all I said was to make sure the person who does it uses sterile equipment. She got all upset because I said that.
I am working on myself. I think I am doing a good job and not trying to yell, question her, get mad with her, support her, etc.. It is so hard because my heart has been torn in half and I am hurting so badly deep inside. How do I act one way towards her when I feel inside of me so much hurt and pain.
I am trying so hard and it just hurts me to be treated by her the way she does. Then she said it hurts her that her parents aren't calling her. Well her parents are upset with her for the way she is acting.
At the end of our conversation she tells me she hasn't been happy for a long time in our relationship. But she was willing to marry me 1.5 years ago. We have been together a total of 8.5 years. Am I being blamed for her unhappiness? I mean after all I am the one that she is wanting to leave?
I need people to be honest with me and is this just the fog talking? Or am I using the fog as an excuse on what I don't want to hear from her? I can't imagine my life without her in it. My wife tells me to quit listening to everyone else and listen to her. After talking with the counselor yesterday and she said my wife said she wanted to work on the marriage. That got my hopes up a little bit. But today my wife said she has never told anyone she wanted to work on the marriage. That she feels the way she feels.
How do I live my life hurting inside of me? The roller coaster ride is hard to take everyday. I do a lot of things for myself to keep myself busy. I am working more, I work out more, I read books on marriage. Bottom line is that on the outside I look normal but on the inside I am a wreck..
I need some advice and any support one may give. I want to see some light at the end of the tunnel with my wife standing in it.

confused_guy,
You push it too hard ... I could sympathize w/ your situation since I am on it. The best you could do is talking about the day, etc ... nothing about relations. I have been in it for about the same time and even now it seems she didn't want to call Steve (avoiding it twice). You have to focus on you and live like you will never have her again minus dating or near any female. It helps in two folds, they will pay attention on what you are doing and it will help you out when plan A is not working.
As Harley says, for male it usually easier to let A go than female. Let it go if she is back you could build better M if she is not she is not your to begin with.<p>[ December 20, 2001: Message edited by: redhat ]</p>

I have been trying so hard not to talk to her about our relationship. After asking her how she is doing, what she did, etc. Some how she always sort of throws some sort of a relationship thing in there and I take the bait. When I spoke to her she asked what the counselor and I spoke about. I told her that the counselor asked if you said anything on working or not working on the relationship. I was so stupid for going into that.
How do I not act like I don't want to know anything on the relationship but deep down inside I am just dieing to know something? How do you do it? I think I do well then I always seems to make one slip up when we are talking. Can somebody tell me that if I don't ask her about the relationship that she will start to care more about me and what I am doing?

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by confused_guy:
<strong>I have been trying so hard not to talk to her about our relationship. After asking her how she is doing, what she did, etc. Some how she always sort of throws some sort of a relationship thing in there and I take the bait.</strong><hr></blockquote>
I know what you mean ... WW wants to know also same as you. You have to be ready and even scripts it out so that next time when the same question comes up you know what to answer w/o LB.
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>When I spoke to her she asked what the counselor and I spoke about. I told her that the counselor asked if you said anything on working or not working on the relationship. I was so stupid for going into that.</strong><hr></blockquote>
Nope, you are not stupid. Your love for your wife makes you do that. Bite your tounge and start talking fogese to her. I told my WW that conversation is confidential and if she want to know she could "call" the MC and "talk" to the MC herself. Mine took the bait & call Steve [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>How do I not act like I don't want to know anything on the relationship but deep down inside I am just dieing to know something? How do you do it?</strong><hr></blockquote>
Focus on the end goals ... patience, bite your tounge if you have to.
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>I think I do well then I always seems to make one slip up when we are talking. Can somebody tell me that if I don't ask her about the relationship that she will start to care more about me and what I am doing?</strong><hr></blockquote>
You do not initiate them since most of WS will be defensive and for you to LB. Then if WS initiate them you could take the chances but remember NO LB, just listening to her, not try to judge, not try to demand, not try to "teach/educate", just state how you feel (facts) and stop there.

<p>[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: MMMMM ]</p>