I need some help. I 'just found out' that my husband has been cheating on me for the whole time we have known each other and been married, with not one....not two....but three different women! Of course, I was devastated, but I have a 6 month old son and I need to get it together a little for him. So, I need some of you who have been through this issue of infidelity and trying to make it through to give me some advice, namely....<p>HOW IN THE WORLD DO YOU START MOVING ON?????
I feel stuck, right here. I can't put it aside, its like an ugly monster constantly rearing its ugly head. Sometimes I feel okay, but other times I can't/don't want to feel anything at all. I want to forgive, I have asked God to help me. It is hard. Sometimes, I feel like I have, Now what???<p>My mom is supposed to be here this weekend, how can I get through this without her knowing anything? <p>WHAT ARE THE FIRST THING(S) YOU DID TO GET IT TOGETHER AND BEGIN TO HEAL???<p>Please share with me, so that hopefully soon the healing can begin.<p>
Tracey

Tracey M.,
Aside from praying hard, I start getting busy, really busy. I don't let my mind wonders, go to gymn, read MB, do posting, read many books. I plan my day w/o my WW, I behave as if I am single dad. WW joins whenever she is asking for it. For example, I am about to go week long skiing trip tomorrow, I invite her but I plan as if she is not going.<p>My biggest blessing is my mom. She lives 12,000 miles away and has not visit us for 2 years. When I call her and ask her to come for her grand D, she flew the next week !!!. She knew on the second days that there is something wrong but keep it quiet until D-day. She is back home now, she didn't want to leave me, I had to since it is LB'ed for WW. Also I need to resolve it on my own and take it by the horn. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] Let your mom know, you need her wisdom !. You do not need to be ashamed, it is your H's !!!.<p>Unfortunatly, it will be a long ride, you need all the support that you can get.

Thank you for your response. I understand that I need lots of support, I was hoping to get most of it, through MB and MC. I have not and do not intend to tell my mom. It will go all through the family and I don't want to be or need to be any more embarrassed. No one will understand my decision to stay with him. They will all advise me to leave him. Saying things like you were better off with out him, or you deserve someone better. Plus, I don't want there to be any hard feelings when this is all settled and it WILL be all settled...you know? Yes, I am hurting, and I need someone to talk to. But I love him desperately, yes, still and I am not out to hurt him, or embarrass him. I am not trying to get him back, I just need to know how to take the first step. I have not talked to anyone, but my WS. When he apologized. He wouldn't leave me alone (literally...He begged me to talk. He knows that is my way of dealing with things. He begged me for another chance, saying he would do anything.) I have not even told my bestest friend. She has been on the side of the betrayer and may be able to give me some insight, but I am too raw right now. I want to talk to my WS. Is that weird? <p>We have been talking. He has apologized, but there are still some behaviors and things that he has to understand do nothing more than tear away the desire to work it out. I am scared and confused. <p>Tracey

Tracey,<p>Sorry to have to welcome you to the site, but this IS the right place for you at this time.<p>My advice to you is to read everything that you can (on this site and off). There are a couple of books in the site bookstore that will be VERY helpful: Surviving an Affair (SAA) and His Needs, Her Needs (HNHN). Get them and read them.<p>Normally, I'd advise a person to look inside of themselves for the part of the marital trouble that is their fault and deal with that. But from the sound of it, your H was this way when you found him.<p>Remember that you can only take credit/blame/CONTROL of YOUR actions. If you remember nothing else in the coming months or years, remember that.<p>Read up on Plan A and I'd suggest implementing it. Remember that this plan is for YOU and YOU ALONE. You'll be working on making YOURSELF a better person, mother, wife....FOR YOU. If it happens to attract your H, well then, all the better. But if not, then you'll be just that much more prepared for any future relationships you may have.<p>The two of you have a child, and if for no other reason, THAT is enough for you to want to fight for your marriage.<p>Know that the three of you CAN recover from this, you CAN grow, you CAN have a better marriage as a result of that growth. It won't be easy, or quick, but it can happen.<p>If the two of you are attending marriage counseling (MC), then by ALL MEANS, get a counselor who prescribes to the MB principles. You can call the scheduling center from the counsel link at the top of this page. They will give you the names and phone numbers of any MC in your area that qualify. IMO, any other MC is only going to hurt your marriage. They are just not equipped with the tools, abilities, and expertise to deal with couples' issues. This I know only because 2 out of 2 MC we've had have NOT been helpful. We're now (occasionally) counseling with Steve Harley - separately for now (hopefully).<p>One other point. You're right that your family will not be able to understand why you'd stay in your marriage. NO ONE who has not been through this can possibly give you (or WH) good advice. Know this and take any such suggestions with a helping of salt.<p>Post her as often as you need, and don't be shy about bumping yourself up if you don't get responses.... especially with the holidays coming up. Hopefully, folks will stop fighting with that Haley chick and get serious again with helping each other.<p>Prayers going out to you,
Kevin

Tracey,
I can relate to you sweetheart. If I could take you by the hand and comfort you I would. My H of 13 years cheated on my with 14 different woman, 2 of these before we married. They were all one night stands except for one who unfortunately shared your name! uh oh trigger. Several were mutual 'friends'.
We are a little over a year into recovery. I can honestly say things are going very well and I would not trade who we were before discovery for who we have become. Christ saved our marriage and as a result our children have been saved. God sure works in mysterious and sometimes quite painful ways. You move ahead one day at a time. We found a wonderful Christian marriage counselor. He worked with my H more than me when they came to the conclusion he had a sexual addiction. You need to tell your mom that you two are going through a difficult time but no more that that.
If there is the chance she will not keep your confidence than do not share this information with her. My mom and his mom know,and his mom especially has been a great comfort to me, but I trust them to keep our confidence. If our marriage makes it we both want to share what we have been through with others but not yet while the hurt is still so fresh. Complete and total honesty will help. He has to feel 'safe' to tell you anything. He needs to unburden all the ugliness and become new. It will take time and you will both make mistakes but keep talking. GET a counselor! I suggest you read read read. Somebody help me here and post the suggested reading link where there are books on sexual addiction. Go to church as often as you can for comfort. Pray for a wise older lady in your church to come to your aid. COUNSELING. HONESTY. Eat healthy, go for walks. Don't sweep the pain under the carpet. Buried pain will resurface in other more destructive ways. Cry when you need to. Let him see your pain and your anger, it is the least he can do. GET TESTED. BOTH of you. Don't forgive too quickly. I have said the words I forgive you a few times early on but now I realize that the hand I have been dealt will require continual forgivess. God is perfect, not me but I can show grace to my husband and through that be blessed. I know my H would email yours if he needs to talk. Let me know how you are and know that you are not alone.