It is weird for me to want to run to my spouse, even though he is the one who has done this awful thing to me. We were apart for a bit of time (about 3 weeks) and yesterday he came home and I wanted him to hold me. I wanted to kiss him.<p>I still love him so much. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want my mom to know, partly out of embarrassment, partly because I don't want there to be any hard feelings WHEN this gets worked out. I don't want to get back at him. I just want him to stop and never hurt me like this again. <p>I am willing to forgive--a little unsure about just how to do it, when I am still hurting so badly--but I want to. There is nothing he can do to change what has happened, I have made mistakes too. He came to me and asked me to forgive. I am trying to. Only through Christ am I able to forgive, but... I can't promise how I will feel about this tomorrow or in 10 minutes, but right now I just want reconciliaiton. I still want to try and build the marriage we both dreamed of. At the same time, though, I am afraid that he won't see the horror of his acts. I am afraid that I will miss the signs of infidelity, if, God forbid, it should happen again. I am afraid to trust, I am afraid to try...but I think I must. If I ever want the type of marriage I dreamed of, I must. I am hurting and very much disapointed by what has happened to us. <p>Do you think I am in denial? Do you think I am not dealing with the situation? Do you think I am weird for wanting it to be behind us and try to move into healing?<p>
Please talk to me.

Heck no, Tracey! You're not weird at all--the dearest wish of 99% of people on this board is that it would all be behind us, and we would be moved on to happiness again.<p>You know, during the most painful day of my life (d-day, of course), I sat and watched my husband tell me all about his affairs while tears streamed down my face and felt a pain more raw and terrible than any physical pain I've ever known. As I looked at him there, sitting in his shorts, I saw his beloved face crushed by pain, but it was the sight of his legs which turned my heart. Those long, bony-thin legs with their delicate shins, so vulnerable and so pathetic, made a feeling of love and concern wash over me as I had only previously felt for my children. It seems foolish, and I have gone round the rollercoaster enough to have sometimes wished I had rejected that feeling of love and sent him packing, but it probably set our course towards recovery.<p>Like you, I am very afraid of this man now. I'm afraid being hurt again, because I'm not sure I could rise again from such a blow. I'm afraid of who he became, horrified that such a cruel and selfish person lurked below the surface of that familiar and beloved man. Even though we are still together and very loving to each other, I am unable to relax, to accept that he will be here with me and for the children forever. I wonder if I only love the man he wants me to see, but that the reality is another man whom I wouldn't love at all.<p>All my life I have had a reoccuring nightmare that someone I know would turn out to be a horrible stranger, a monster intent on my destruction. I would turn to my parent, my friend, my husband, and in their place would stand the evil one. This affair has been, almost literally, my worst nightmare.<p>Tracey, I started this post to show you some comfort, and wound up bleeding all over it! Sorry about that, but maybe you will feel some relief to know that your feelings are more than normal, they are expected. As an unfortunate new member of the BS club, you are instantly welcomed and understood here.<p>Rose Red

Tracey,
This is very normal. I am in the same boat with my wife. She has hurt me so bad with her affair and other things she is still doing to hurt me. I still in all of this want to work on our marriage and make it better. I feel like you do that I want to hug and hold my wife and never let go. This is our hearts speaking out and not our emotions. My problem is that I can't fix the marriage alone and right now I am playing all by myself. I wish you all the best because the pain inside or me from being hurt, well I don't wish that upon anyone...Hang in there...

Tracey---<p>What you want, hope and wish for is as normal as anyone else on this board. I don't think we are all weird...although there are some times when I wonder about a few of us [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Just kidding [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>OK---you are only three weeks into this and I know where I was three weeks into this---exactly where you are...<p>Now that I have been here for nine months---NINE MONTHS [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] I have learned at least a couple of things.<p>First, take a deep breath. This whole process with your H is going to take some time. Unfortunately you have just jumped on the roller coaster and there are definitely going to be some ups and downs.<p>Second, you can, and will, make it through. But at this point it is hard to say what that means long-term.<p>Does your spouse want to work on this? Does he want you to forgive him? If so, that's more than half the battle and a lot of us here would like to be in that situation. And again, if so, you have the power to do what YOU want to do...that's a good thing.<p>How to forgive?<p>Well the first thing is to realize that you won't be forgiving him for him. You will be forgiving him for you. Forgiveness is truly something you do for yourself. To help YOU heal. I look at it this way....if God can forgive, then who am I to say I don't have forgiveness in me?<p>But rest assured, you are not in denial, you are not weird, and just by coming here and asking questions and reading other's stories and the stuff at this site you ARE dealing with the situation.<p>It will take time, and yes, there will be pain. It's up to you now to do your best to deal with all of this. If you read the stories here, you will see that many of us came here just like you. And we are still here...dealing with it but stronger, more forgiving and much better people because of the caring and the concern we have for each other.<p>Please take care...<p>You will be OK--really!<p>E

Tracey,<p>Hi. Lots of us in the same boat. D-day for us was on Dec 3. You can read more about what's transpired with wife and I over the days since in a post I have in JFO. Anyway, we're in MB counseling, and have been for quite some time. After the confession, Jennifer recommended that I read Surviving an Affair. If you haven't read it, I would highly suggest it. You can order it here online. Anyway, it will give you some clear explanation of how your marriage got to this point, validate your feelings now as well as his (however mixed up you think he may be now), and give you some clear steps to follow for recovery and overcoming resentment.<p>Go to the bookstore pick listed above now, and get it on the way. I think it will provide a lot of clarity for you.

Hello E and all that responded to my message. First of all, I greatly appreciate your input. I will save them and read them over and over. It does so much good just to know that I am not alone. I need you. I need this site. Please respond to me if you have the time. Tell me your story. Give me your encouragement.<p>Someone asked if my sweetie (he is still my sweetie) wanted me to forgive him? Yes, he does. He is very remorseful. He says that he knows it will not be easy, but he is willing to go through what ever it takes. He says he wants me. He suggested counseling. He keeps asking me how I am feeling today, or if I need to or want to talk about it or anything. He keeps saying that he wants me to know that even when he does not bring it up, he knows that it is not okay.<p>He is trying. But in all this, it still hurts so bad. Sometimes, I am just so sad that this has happened to us.<p>Today, though, I am going to go home and show him some love. Show him a little of the love I feel, but in m heart I am so afraid to show right now. I am going to be brave. God, I pray he does not push for anymore. I just want him to know that I love him.<p>
Tracey

<p>[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: MMMMM ]</p>