My H is involved with my neighbor (who was also my friend). It is so difficult. I don't know what to do. I have tried talking to him but he won't talk to me about her. He denies having an A but how do I trust him when he is seen going to her house? We needed him for something the other night and finally found him at her house! We have been married for 22 years and have never had any problems until about a year and a half ago. He started getting very close with OW. He is no longer in the house. He won't see the MC any longer. Is this the end? Should I give up and go for Dv? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!
brokenhearted.

BH, <p>NO, it is absolutely not the end. This is only the beginning, no matter what ultimately happens, this is only the beginning.<p>Read everything you can from this site, start with the links below. Get ahold of a copy of Surviving an Affair (SAA), it will help you understand what this is all about and help you develope a course of action.<p>Read about Plan A. Try to determine your part in the trouble in the marriage. Not the A, but the problems that quite probably led up to the A. Post her as often as you need support, there are some wonderful and helpful people here.<p>Post when you're happy, sad, or just lonely.<p>Good luck, and God bless,
Kev

Hi Broken:<p>Don't have much time, but wanted to reply. If you love him & want your M...don't give up. Use this site & get all the materials & advice you can. As you can see if you've been reading we all have been in the same boat with many similar stories, situations & most of all feelings.<p>I am sorry for your pain & I truly hope your H starts out of the fog. It takes a long time for most so be prepared & STRONG!<p>
God Bless & Happy Holidays.<p>Lisa

Hello brokenhearted,<p>Welcome. As kevco- said your journey is just beginning. As with any journey, you have to do your homework - your reading on this site and support books. It's likely that things will get worse before they get better, but things REALLY CAN work out for your marriage. It really can!<p>There is a Marriage Builders concept called Policy of Joint Agreement.<p>Policy of Joint Agreement<p>Study what POJA says and talk to your H about it. Tell him that you most definitely do not enthusiastically agree with him spending time at the neighbor's house. Meanwhile, read up on Plan A and think about his emotional needs that you may not be meeting but that she might be, for example admiration.<p>If your H protests POJA, if he continues to go to her house, obviously there is a problem.<p>What do you mean that he is no longer in the house? Has he moved out? To her house? Is she married?<p>No, definitely do not file for divorce. Don't make this easy for him. This could take a year or more to play out. There is absolutely no need to rush anything. There is a LOT you can do to save your M.<p>Also know that if he is deep into an affair, he will not be receptive to you and, in fact, may even try to make you out to be the villain, the cause of he infidelity. Don't believe him. Don't believe anything that you cannot verify. Don't believe your friend either. Protect yourself.<p>If you will read Surviving an Affair by Dr, Harley, you will learn what to expect of your H as the A plays out. It is all very predictable. Terribly painful, but so perdictable. So if you are prepared ahead of time for the next turn in the road, it will be easier to hold out hope knowing that his behavior is typical of WS and eventually, he may come to his senses and stop what he is doing.<p>Again, this drama is just beginning for you. It is going to be tough, but you can come through this in one piece, even with an improved marriage.<p>Tell us more when you feel like it. And read everything on the main site ASAP.<p>I'll be waiting to hear from you. Have hope!
Take care,
Estes

Thank you so much for your advice! My H moved out about two months ago. He is at OW house often but I am not sure if he is living there. He is very secretive about his living arrangements but I do know he is there almost every day. He parks his car a few streets away and walks to her house. I have seen him walking up the sidewalk and have had to contact him there. It is humiliating! I have been reading a lot of the posts on this site and actually posted on another forum but had no response for over two weeks. So THANK YOU for responding and the great advice. I will get the book and start reading. Thanks again.

Hi BH,<p>Another good book is his needs/her needs. Also when you can, take the emotional needs questionnaire. Maybe one day your H can also. It can be quite revealing. It is located in the concepts section below the MB logo at the top of this page. <p>Keep posting. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>L.

Please come back and tell us how you are doing.<p>Just remember he did this because he has a problem, not because you are the problem.<p>Estes

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by brokenhearted:
<strong>He is very secretive about his living arrangements but I do know he is there almost every day. He parks his car a few streets away and walks to her house. I have seen him walking up the sidewalk and have had to contact him there. It is humiliating! .</strong><hr></blockquote><p>
ohmigod, how do you keep from going over there and busting them!!!!!??????? I could not keep myself away. Unbelievable how flagrantly cruel some WS' are.

I don't know why I don't go over there either! I think deep down I am simply afraid to confront her (and him). I am home alone tonight and am very sad. The worst thing is thinking he is over there. I don't understand how he could this after so many years! Thanks for reading and responding. I appreciate everyone's advice and hope to hear from you again. There is so much that need to get off my chest, but I am just not quite ready to write it all down.
BH

Hi BH, <p>Another MBer had similar thoughts of 'going over' to the OP/ws place. Don't go there. We (mb group here) lovingly pounced on him and held him down until he cried 'uncle' and said he would not go over there (not even on a drive by). I ad libbed a bit but you get the picture. In fact that MBer posted to you. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>The point is that you are not alone in that thought pattern. Most of us have wanted to do that at one time or another. What you need to do is go out and spend time with others, family and go do something to take your mind off of this for a while. Hard to do, I know but necessary for your sanity. Ok? <p>Take care,
L. <p>Need some suggestions? I think this group can come up with a few.

Thanks for the advice Orchid! The OW actually sent over a "gingerbread house" for a Christmas present!!! Everyone told me to throw it over the fence, but I couldn't do that. What I did instead was to put it on my dining room table and everytime I started to get sad....I looked at that gingerbread house and let myself get MAD. It worked!! I wish so much I could move away. It is horrible living next door to her and knowing that he is over there. I saw his car on Christmas night. At least he doesn't park right in front of her house so the other neighbors could see. I guess he has some scruples!! Thanks again for the advice. i won't go over there and will try to keep busy with friends and family. Hope you had a nice Christmas.
BH

Well you are actually a little too close for comfort. How great you could take it out on the Gb house instead of the real one!!! What did you actually do to the GB house?<p>Of course you know it is not the house' fault that an OW lives in it. I am glad you did not do anything that they could pin you with. <p>The ow in her feeble mind thinks she is doing you a 'favor'. Well it is not favor but you'll get to share that with her another time. How dumb that the WS thinks no one knows because he parks his car down the street? Another fog trick that everyone sees right through. <p>Anyway, hang tight. You are doing ok.
Keep posting. <p>L.

The gb house is still on my dining room table and it is there to remind me not to get sad. I will probably throw it away this weekend. Today I called H and asked him straight out if he was staying at OW's house. He told me that he wasn't and the reason he is over there so much is that he is "painting"! There was so much more that I wanted to say to him, but I was at work so I will wait until I see him in person. I want to ask him if he was "painting" at 2 in the morning and on Christmas night!! He is away until Sunday so I won't be so uptight (for a few days anyway). Thanks for your advice and encouragement! I really appreciate it!
BH

I just found out that H was seen leaving her house at 6:30 AM. I guess he has made his choice. I feel so sick. I don't know what to do anymore. All he does is lie to me. I can't take much more of this. Well, I just wanted to let you know the latest.
BH

BH, <p>I am going to be a cynic here and the reason is that I want you to laugh.....k? If your H 'claimed he was painting' and leaving the house at 6:30am, then he must be getting OT. You need to collect on that money. Ask him how much money he made painting into the wee hours of the morn'. <p>Ok so much for my sarcasm. Sometimes you just gotta turn their babble right back on them and babble back. Sounds nuts but hey look at the type of logic you are dealing with. NO LOGIC!!!<p>My WS was rewiring her house and cleaned up her yard, hauled away a whole bunch of trash. All for free!!! Well, if the s3x was junk, maybe he got the raw end of the deal...... Now H (ws) claims he can't find one of his best trash barrels (gardners get real attached to these kinds of things he he he). I asked if he left it in that (other city where OW lives). He looked shocked and said, NO. Hm..... think our trash barrels just up and walk away? Think we have some real sleezy neighbors who just walk into our back yard just to steal H's best trash barrel? Well inquiring minds may never know. <p>See how one thinks about these things after a while? hope this made you at least grin a little. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Hugz.
L.<p>[ December 27, 2001: Message edited by: Orchid ]<p>[ December 27, 2001: Message edited by: Orchid ]</p>

Thanks L....that did make me smile! Did you ever find your barrel? How is it going with your H now? I know my H is "painting" for free too. He is 'HELPING HER OUT!!" Today has been a bad day...I had to put my cat to sleep. She was 14 years old and went into kidney failure. I can't take anything else going wrong in my life. I just feel like everything is upside down and I can't fix anything. I have been reading a lot of the posts here and at least I know I am not alone. I read a response that Estes had to SNL and it really hit home. She said that sometimes the WS will fence sit and do things to push the BS into filing for D so it is not on WS's shoulders. (not her exact words, but you get the drift). That is just what my H is doing. He is pushing me right into the lawyers office! All he does is lie to me. I have had more people ask me why his car is parked up the street, down at the football field, down at the school....does he think people are stupid??? Sorry for carrying on. Thanks for your help L. I appreciate it!
BH

Nope never found the barrel. You know my cat had to be put to sleep in Dec 00. Less than 1 month after d/d and a couple of weeks before WS moved out (he moved out 12/31/00). That was our 2nd cat that had to be put to sleep. I had 2 misscarriages and other family issues. With work issues and all it just got to be too much. I put with the craziness for as long as I could and then just told him to hurry up and go to the love of his life before some other poor sucker has to end up with her. Much better he be the poor sucker!?!? Think H did not like that title. <p>Makes you wonder, if she needs concete work, will she offer s3x as payment? What about the plumber. Ooooh better warn all these service companies there are OWs out there that think they can pay by opening up their legs instead of the wallet?!?! YUCK [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>L.

Thanks for the laugh! I'm sorry to read about the tragedies you have had to endure. I guess we have a few things in common! Are you still separated? My family is urging me to see a lawyer...his family is urging me to work things out....he won't talk to me about any thing....so I don't know where to turn. I am not letting anyone talk me into anything. Did you have trouble with the decision to separate or to divorce (if you have gone that route)? I am trying to be strong and get through this, but as you know, it is VERY HARD!!
BH