After many months of Plan A and waiting for him to decide between me and OW, WH finally told me last night that he is willing to stay married to me as long as I don't care if he's happy or not., because of the committment he originally made to me when we got married. In other words, the decision is mine to make. I can require him to stay married to me or I can release him from our marriage committment.<p>Huh?<p>This is all really weird and confusing to me. I don't think I understand what's really happening here. It's as if there's something unsaid, some ulterior motive, some confusion, some fog, some manipulation, or what? Standard stuff from the WS manual?<p>He does seem to understand that staying married to me at this point would require no contact with OW.<p>OW knows this is how he's decided to resolve the situation. She's sitting home on pins and needles waiting to hear my decision. She keeps sending him e-mails and phone messages of encouragement to show her support of him. I'm sure she thinks I'll "do the right thing" and he'll show up on her doorstep soon with suitcase in hand. What I don't know is what else he's telling her. Whether or not he's telling OW that he really would prefer to be with her, but he's got this pesky wife to dispose of first.<p>I told him that yes I want to stay married and that I am willing to do whatever it takes to improve our marriage (i.e., meet his ENs). Then it's as if he's trying to talk me out of it, telling me that this marriage will never work, I will never change (did he not notice my Plan A at all?), that he'll be miserable without OW, starting to argue about all the old issues again. <p>Is he trying to set things up so that if it doesn't work out he can then blame me for making him stay?<p>Does he really want to stay with me, but somehow still can't dump OW so he has to set it up so he can tell OW I'm making him dump her?<p>Does he really want to leave me and go live with OW, but can't tell me that directly (hey, he didn't tell me he filed for divorce last summer, he had a process server do it for him), so he's trying to manipulate me into agreeing that the marriage won't work and that we should get a divorce by making me feel like a terrible person for making him stay married when he will be so unhappy?<p>This is not the way I wanted things to happen. I wanted him to choose to stay with me and choose to dump OW. I wanted him to stay because he loves me and wants to be married to me and make an honest effort to improve our relationship together and without interference from OW. (He has had daily contact with OW throughout this nightmare.)<p>I'm determined not to just give up and hand him over to OW. I'm determined not to let him get off guilt-free by turning this into a "mutal decision."<p>If he wants to leave me and get a divorce, he will have to make that decision himself. I'm not going to make it for him. <p>When he gets home from work tonight we will be continuing this negotiation. I'd appreciate hearing your take on this situation, and any advice for handling it.

Sounds like he wants you to take responsibility for his decision.<p>Really what they are doing is trying to get you to end the marriage so they don't feel guilty.<p>Honestly - I get the impression that the 2 of them are like a pair of little kids begging and hoping for permission to do something really cool and praying that mom won't say no.<p>So what do you want?

Hi SilverRose,<p>Yes, this is definitely standard stuff - classic.<p>You have the right take on the situation, IMHO.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I'm determined not to just give up and hand him over to OW. I'm determined not to let him get off guilt-free by turning this into a "mutal decision."<p>If he wants to leave me and get a divorce, he will have to make that decision himself. I'm not going to make it for him. <hr></blockquote><p>He is definitely trying to turn the responsibility for the marriage problems over to you. It's his problem to decide whether or not he will sacrifice your marriage. Don't let him sucker you into it. Glad to see that you are on to his ploy.<p>He wants you to "release" him from his vow. Tell him that the only marriage vow you have control over is your own and that your are sticking to yours. His vow is HIS. He is the only one who can alter his vow. Put it right back on him. Remind him that you have absolutely no power to "keep" him in the marriage. The decision to stay or go is totally his. Tell him you will be here, at home, willing to be his wife. If he doesn't want to be your H, it's his choice to say so.<p>See what he says. He has to take responsibility.<p>Boy, I'll bet he's stressed by OW's pressure. You be calm and strong, and let us know what he does.<p>Good luck. The ball is in his court. Maybe OW will LB over this.<p>Estes

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Estes49:
<strong><p>He wants you to "release" him from his vow. Tell him that the only marriage vow you have control over is your own and that your are sticking to yours. His vow is HIS. He is the only one who can alter his vow. Put it right back on him. Remind him that you have absolutely no power to "keep" him in the marriage. The decision to stay or go is totally his. Tell him you will be here, at home, willing to be his wife. If he doesn't want to be your H, it's his choice to say so.<p>See what he says. He has to take responsibility.<p></strong><hr></blockquote><p>SilverRose, Please take Estes' advice here. She is exactly right on. This will throw the ball right back in his corner.

I agree with Bramble. He's trying to shirk all responsibility for the success/failure of your marriage. In essence, he's reserving the right to say "I told you so."<p>I would suggest that you don't let him get away with it. You're exactly right in wanting HIM to make the choice. You want HIM to choose to stay (or leave), and he has to be the one to make that choice.<p>I'd maybe tell him something like, "I love you and of course I want you to stay in the marriage. I don't believe you when you say that you'd be miserable in the marriage. This is YOUR choice, and YOUR choice alone. There is no way that I CAN or WANT TO make this decision for you, because if I did, there's no way that we could be successful in putting our marriage back together. Our marriage might not work, there are no guarantees in that. The only thing that I CAN guarantee you is that if you choose to come back to the marriage, I promise to be a better (woman, wife, mother, etc...) than I have in the past. I promise to put my entire heart and soul into making this the marriage that we dreamed it would be."<p>But you have to make it perfectly clear that it's not your choice, it's HIS.<p>Yes, I believe this is lucky chapter 13 of the WS manual.<p>Kev

Hi, <p>Well, I was in a similar position a few months ago. Found out, Ws was using the same line of crap on both OW and myself. I told him, he needs to make that decision and that he needed to stay out there until he does. <p>Well, that did not suit his plans since reality was that OW was beginning to look less and less attractive. Oops her evil side started showing or was it he was just now opening his eyes? <p>Anyway, I learned (thanks to people here), not to let him manipulate me. I threw it back in his court and after several months of swaying, he is now saying he is staying. His treatment of me is getting better. The bitter words are not lashed out at me. Even when he is angry it is toned down a lot. I am not his sounding board of anger nor am I his blame post or doormat to dump stuff on. <p>Because it is not genuine, he is making conditions he knows will cause problems. You have a choice to participate or let him know you are aware of his tactics. Take the hot air out of his scheme. <p>I told my H to hurry up and run to the best catch he ever had...... the guy kept back peddling back home and I kept pushing him back to her. Hey, I can tell her that!! Nah....she's a dumb bunny...<p>At least that is what happened in my case.
Just don't let him manipulate you. You deserve better. I told my H if he came back that way, he'd be a 1/2 H or less, can't live with that. <p>L.

Thank you all for your insightful replies. It really helps to know that my take was not off the mark, and you all helped clarify things further for me. <p>You are all right about him trying to not take any responsibility for this decision, and as Kevco said, to reserve the right to say I told you so when it doesn't work out.<p>We talked for hours last night and then more today. I kept trying to throw the ball back in his court, using the suggestions from Estes and Kevco, but I wasn't very successful, and couldn't get him to commit one way or the other. In the end he still wanted me to pick. <p>I ended up telling him that I did want to stay married, but not if he was going to be unhappy, that I wanted him to want to stay married and work on the marriage with me instead of sitting there like an unhappy, uncooperative lump who doesn't want to be there. I told him I wasn't going to make him stay married and that he is free to leave if that is what he wants, but that has to be his decision, that I would not pick divorce as my decision.<p>I did find out that what he really wants to do is maintain a relationship with both me and OW, but that neither of us was going for that plan. It wasn't clear who he would be living with and who he would be sleeping with under that plan. <p>He's over at OW's place right now. I don't know what he is telling her, if anything yet. He did say he was coming home tonight, but that was after he asked me if I wanted him to come home and I said yes, so I don't know what that means.

Hi SilverRose,<p>Now, altho this sounds like a unique situation it's just the same story but new variation/spin on it. And "yes", IMVHO it's a form of manipulation by your WH.<p>Bottom line, he is trying to minimize his responsibility and guilt regarding making any decision. What can happen here, as far as he has determined and evaluated, is regardless of what decison YOU make you're damned if you do, damned if you don't, AND IT'S YOUR DECISION, made unilaterially ... he's absolved. <p>If you say "Stay" and rebuild the marriage, he figures he won't cooperate and you hence fail, but it's YOUR failer because it was your decision. Ohhh, and BTW ... I seriously doubt his "stay" plan includes stopping all contact with OW.<p>If you say "go", he again says it was your decision, not his responsibility. <p>What to do, what to do......<p>Well, this is such a Mexican Stand Off that I would highly recommend a counseling session with Steve or Jenn. Either that, or perhaps we'll get a very experienced MB Vet on here like BrambleRose to give you some tips.<p>I'm sorry you're being put thru this, seems so cold and calculated. Please stay strong and I'll keep watching your post to see you get responses.<p>Love to you, SilverRose.