I just commited what my spouse claims may be the end of our marriage, an d it is majorly messing up christmas-<p>I went over to ws rented house... which I in my anger called the "whore house" today... whore rented it, and pd first months rent... his dad sent oriental rug and couch for poor adulterous son... etc..<p>I got so angry there in the front room looking at what his horrible unfeeling father sent him decor and furniture to decorate the place------anyway... I stepped on the old rug that had holes in it, and it started to tear.. well so my H started to be mean and yell at me.. well I lost it, grabbed the damn rug and started tearing... NOW I am sorry ,... he started yelling at me... I kept tearing.. <p>He started yelling more, then sd he was calling police, I was tearing up his house he sd.. i got more upset.. threw some of the damn cushions off the stupid couch on the front porch along with the damn rug....<p>Anyay... he says I ruined his christmas, well I say he ruined mine... I am upset.<p>He was going to come over tonight, and we were going to open presents and he was maybe going to spened the night, etc... and be here in am for kids... welll I major lbed , maybe he is running to his whore now... I think he called her , since I called and he answered the phone nicely and then I called back and he is beingso mean-<p>Says this was the last straw- not it is really over, I am violent, he will not cannot live with me, i am sooo awful... etc. etc. etc.<p>He will not give me the money he was going to give me, not spend time with me for christmas, etc.<p>Well he is just sooo friendly isn't he... big nice
sweetheart right...<p>I know it was a major lb, but his house, his stuff, his room, his rug,. his couch, etc. are all major lbs to me... don't I ever get anything back here...<p>i guess i messed up bad now.<p> [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Honey,<p>Hugz, I understand the pain you are suffering. That may not help in itself but now you can speak from experience of why it is better to stay away when they are away. Right?!?!? <p>Yes, everything that promotes the A in little or big ways hurt you and your family. Your FIL may not have meant to contribute to the A but did and it made you mad. <p>Ok, now what are you going to do with all that energy? Use it up before you wears you out? Ok, if so, then make it constructive. You want to tear up his place and his face? Clean the garage. Put his things out in the garage or wherever, strip paint, scrub the dog (maybe not - LOL), scrub the floor, beat the rug, hose down the patio, talk a walk in the woods and yell out your feelings. Then breathe. <p>You are in pain but it will pass. Right now he is being a jack a$$. <p>Then come here an vent. k?<p>L.

honey,
{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}
Just wait up, nothing we could do but wait for the outcome. You are right about one thing WS always tell our LB to OP !!!, to cling more to them [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] That alone stopped me everytime I want to LB ... OM's & WW's laughing on my LB caught on audio tape !!!!. Hope you could put this LB outcome on your mind everytime you are about to loose it.<p>I am sorry that your Christmas is ruined.

Honey,<p>Okay, I read this .... and you know I know how hurt you are. I'vebeen thru what you're going thru.<p>I visited my H's house he moved into. His OW helped him paint it and fix it up for him. It hurt like hell to be there and see HIS house.<p>Honey, you have to contain yourself. You need to remember what is important, your marriage, and that means whenever you feel so hurt where you'll let your anger take over (understandably) that you stop yourself right there and ask yourself, will this show my H I have changed? Will doing this make him want me and our marriage?<p>Yes, THEY (WS) are selfish and terribly mean for putting htis upon us, and YES, it's all the way wrong to have an A and betray us in this manner. <p>But, the A is a symptom of their unhappiness in the marriage. Work on you, Honey. Repair what was wrong with your half of the marriage, show your H you can be the best you, like when you were dating. <p>Now, dust yourself off, forgive yourself and get back on your Plan A crusade. We all have LB'd and recovered, it just happens. Your H will forget it, give it some time.<p>Also, this time of year is so emotional in the first place, so much stress. And with having your spouse invoved in an A makes it extremely stressful, feels beyond cruel, I do know.<p>Love,
Jo

Thanks, I am feeling a little better, but I am really sorry Idid it... I offered to buy a new rug... etc. etc... but being at his house is too painful for me to bear... the OW helped picked it out, and it is a few streets over from her house with her husband... that must be an lb...!! <p>I don't even have money to buy a rug, but would find it... it wasn't that nice of a rug with holes in it anyway... that's why my self serving fil gave it away... he did not want it...<p>OK, enough... yes I am mad... Christmas is not ruined.. we were going to spend it together now not..<p>MY H says he will now file d papers, because of the rug... not go to counseling anymore, etc. it is the last straw now he says... it is OVER now HONEY! <p>Well, I hope he can forget or maybe even forgive...if I can forgive an A, maybe he can forgive my rug tearing. I know it was an awful thing to do... I just lost control... and it was so awful... he called the police... than goodness that they did not try to put me in jail like he wanted... <p>WHAT a loving husband I have. HE claims I drove him away, into another womans arms, and it is my fault he cheated... if I wasn't so awful he would of never done this... yea, right...<p>
Thanks for the support out there, I appreciate it, this is a sad day for me.. I have been so so so good.... and loving and kind, etc- maybe he will like my presents for him... <p>Who knows I will plan a the best I can, but cannot take his cruelty to me anymore.<p>HONEY

Well any judge who would believe a man can divorce his wife over a 'rug with holes' has holes in his head. So your H is babbling and will continue to do so. The police can see what is really going on and since the rug already had holes in it, so what? Don't offer to replace it. Just say it matches the decor better. <p>Don't take his babbling at face value, that's when it hurts. He wants a D? Let him go get it. Let him know that others will also know you and your family are now worth to him less than a rug with holes. People will treat him the same as worthless as a rug with holes. It is not a reflection on you but on him. Remember that when someone points the finger of blame at you 3 are pointing back at him. <p>So Honey, don't take it personally. He is babbling and will continue to do so. Just look at him and say "ok you are babbling again, I don't understand your babble, gotta go."<p>Take Care,
L.

Hey Honey. You've gotten some great advice.<p>And I think you've begun to define your borders...<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>MY H says he will now file d papers, because of the rug... not go to counseling anymore, etc. it is the last straw now he says..<hr></blockquote><p>Absolute bulls!t. It's not you; it's not about the rug. Rug tearin' isn't in any Harley book that I know of, but it's an excuse, a strategy to duck accountability for the actions he's choosing to take. <p>
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Well any judge who would believe a man can divorce his wife over a 'rug with holes' has holes in his head. So your H is babbling and will continue to do so. The police can see what is really going on and since the rug already had holes in it, so what? Don't offer to replace it. Just say it matches the decor better.
Don't take his babbling at face value, that's when it hurts. He wants a D? Let him go get it. Let him know that others will also know you and your family are now worth to him less than a rug with holes. People will treat him the same as worthless as a rug with holes. It is not a reflection on you but on him. Remember that when someone points the finger of blame at you 3 are pointing back at him. <p>So Honey, don't take it personally. He is babbling and will continue to do so. Just look at him and say "ok you are babbling again, I don't understand your babble, gotta go."<hr></blockquote><p>Amen..<p>What a way w words.. <p>Honey, what would really kill him would be if you found a way to enjoy yourself anyway...<p>Dan

thanks dan, merry christmas, me and the kids are over to my parents to have some fun and open more gifts than he will ever get! I am going to midnight mass, and he can have the kids awhile and bring them back to sleep here-- then we will wake up have a wonderful christmas morning without him, and then he can come see kids later after we have had loads of fun... I am trying to be nice, and still let him see the kids.. I just couldn't handle christmas with a husband who might come home after he is through with sf and lovign his married girlfriend.<p>thanks for the support, I hope everyone out there has less tears than me, and much happiness tongiht_ I really appreciate the support as I am upset with myself... but the holding it is, just can't happen.. I cannot be in that "house" and I cannot be around him unless he is treating me like thye wife I am.<p>THANKS< lisa

Keep your head honey, no one divorces anyone over a rug, or similar outburst, if you divorce it will be for other reasons. However if you continue a pattern of angry outbursts (provoked of not) you may push your H away, and perhaps rightly so, you must deal only with yourself...it would be good to avoid placing yourself in circumstances you where you act out your frustration. The only action to take when one acts inappropriately is to apologize and move on....your H reaction is up to him.<p>[ December 24, 2001: Message edited by: sad_n_lonely ]</p>

My H is now threatening vandalism charges against me for tearing his precious rug... Can he even do this, he is cruel... Tear my heart to pieces, but not the rug... I offered to replace the damn rug... ! HELP, do not belong in jail, just broken hearted... HONEY

Honey,<p>I am so sorry for what you are going through. Cannot imagine your husband putting you and your child through this at Christmas time. Some people just don’t get it do they?<p>To answer your immediate question…. There are several things you can do to help you through this depression. Call someone who can be with you <p>It is nice that he got you a gift and thought enough to bring it to you. Nice. But I know it is not enough for you. It may even be a ‘nice’ that hurts more then it helped. Just remember that every time he thinks of you, it is a good thing. Just his buying the gift shows that he is conflicted. If he were truly ‘out the door’ he would not have thought of buying you a gift at all. So while it may hurt some, it is also a good thing. That he drove over to you house and gave them to you is a good thing too… again he was thinking of you.<p>There are many mixed signals here as you are probably aware. Even that is good right now. This means that he is not solidified in his affair. <p>I’m sure that his comment about your house upset you. Rightfully so. Here he as torn your life apart and then has the audacity to made such a comment. But this is a very big lesson.. One that I’ve learned over time. It does no one any good to fall apart… as hard as it is to stay together, especially with a small child to take care of. If you are ever going to get him back Plan A is essential. And a big part of Plan A is having your act together and being in charge. Remember that all is fair in love and war. This is both… love and war. He will be less likely to see you as desirable if you are falling apart. So as hard as it is…. Pull yourself together. Your idea of getting some help around the house is a very good one. You deserve that. Take very good care of yourself and your child. Stop for a moment and think about this person called ‘Honey’. She needs someone to love her and pamper her. Right now that is YOU. What is it that makes you feel special? For me it’s long baths in my jet tub with all sort of great bath oils, candles, sometimes a glass of wine. I also love to give myself pedicures and manicures. Do something for yourself that makes you feel like the Queen you are… the Queen of your home (your family’s home). Make sure you eat right, sleep and take your vitamins. Someone gave me this same lecture the first week after d-day. I’ve been following it and it has been a real savior. Look to yourself first, then your son, and only then your H and your marriage.<p>Do you recall that on airplanes they always tell parents that in case of an emergency, that the parents should put on the oxygen mask first. Only then should they see to putting one on their child. The reason for this is that if the parent goes unconscious, they will not be able to take care of their child. So ‘put on your oxygen mask’ and then care for the others.<p>As for yesterday’s outburst. Boy do I understand where that came from. And yes it was a huge love buster, especially since your H is not feeling particularly understanding of you right now.<p>Yes you H is having an affair and it is a terrible thing. He has hurt you and your children terribly. But this does not excuse such behavior on your part. Two wrongs do not make a right. <p>I don't think you are going to like what I have to say. Like Orchid, Belldandy and others here I have been in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship. Physical abuse usually starts out with verbal/emotional abuse, then moves on to things.. like throwing dishes, breaking furniture, and perhaps tearing up a rug. The message is this time it’s the dish (or chair, or rug), next time it could be you. If a woman were to come on here and tell me that her H, estranged or otherwise, tore up a rug in anger, I would advise that this borders on emotional/physical abuse. <p>You did not indicate how large the rug is. I am assuming that it is a small one. I doubt that the police will take seriously the charges of tearing up a rug small rug that was already torn. But this is a behavior you will need to curb. Violence is wrong even when a woman does it. You need to get a grip on yourself.<p>I understand the pain that drove it. But again, displays like that are not going to win him back. It’s the old saying ‘do you want to be right or do you want to be married?” In my book you have all the right to throw one hell of a fit for what is going on in your life. But fits are not going to save your marriage. And can only harm YOU and your children in the future.<p>Now that he is thinking of failing charges against you, I suggest that you stay away from your H. You might want to consider writing him a letter apologizing for the fit and explain that you acted irrationally out of something like temporary insanity. Also tell him that you will strive in the future to avoid any situation that would make you upset. Going to his house is a trigger for you. So stay away from him. Let him come to your house. <p>This incident, any others like it, and the fact that you having a problem keeping your home up could look very good for your H in a custody battle. Please do not give him any further ammunition. Your children need you. Put yourself and them first from here on out. It will also not do you children any good to see such outbursts. Right now your H is controlling your life. Take control of your life back. Back away from your husband, take care of yourself and your children. This is about YOU, not HIM. He will make his own choices. If you keep working on loving yourself, your son and you then he will be the lucky one if he decides to give your relationship another change. Remember that one day he may very well come back to you. He is going to be a mess when he does. One of you is going to have to be strong enough to pull both of you through. If you both are thrashing in the waters, you will continue to pull each other down.<p>This is one of the most difficult things you will ever have to do in your life. Plan A like crazy. Plan A is a lot about not love busting, meeting his emotional needs and having few boundaries so that you can give him the space to find his own way back to you. One boundary I highly suggest that you do keep even in Plan A is that he has to contact you and come to ‘your’ house. His is a volatile trigger for you. But most of all Plan A is about you becoming the best Honey you could ever be. The way to do that is to concentrate on YOU. Look deep inside yourself to see how you contributed to the deterioration of your marriage. Then start making those things right. Yes, you have been a great mother and wife. But it does seem that there are some needs of our H’s that were going on met. Do you know what they are? Start soul searching…. That is the path out of this depression.

Honey,<p>RE: I am sorry and I am going to work on my anger and resentment of this situation and the drinking.<p>I assume that you are saying here that your H’s affair, moving out and his drinking are what has you upset. Do you also have a drinking problem? I noticed that you say you were drunk when you attacked him and OW. <p>As for your anger and not knowing how to fight. You can only change yourself. He will do whatever he wants to do. However, if you change, you will change the entire dynamics of your relationship. He cannot keep interacting with you in the same way if you stop acting the way you always have. If you have always thrown fits when you get angry, start being very calm. Lately you have been reacting violently when you get angry. Stop doing that. It will get you in trouble and it is a behavior he is expecting. He will have to change. It may, or may not, be for the better but he will change.<p>So again… be the best Honey you can be. If he wants to join you in being the best H he can be then HE will be lucky. If he does not then you will be the lucky one because you will have grown. You will be a better person. And your next relationship will be a much better one. While you do not see it yet, this could be a win/win situation for you. Either he pulls himself together and joins a new, better Honey. Or Honey moves on to better things. <p>Honey, I do not know from what you have written if you are abusive. It does make me wonder if you have at least anger problems. Some of what you say makes it sound like your H is abusive of you. Have you looked into doing things like taking an anger management class? Perhaps going to some counseling sessions for abused spouses. And maybe joining a support group for spouses of alcoholics?

Thanks zorweb, I am back in alanon.. where I have needed to be.. but I have little ones... I am not horrible.. I do have anger issues and problems--- mostly they occur when my H is abusing me... or hurting me, as of late... he was never really cruel to me in marriage, except when drunk... I learned to avoid confrontations with alanon. and decided I loved him so much I can deal with drinking and still love him and learn to avoid the drinking fights, etc... well, he wants someone to party with... and I want responsible H at home with me.. I really need to remember this right now...<p>He really likes good tiem, and may not realize what that good time costs him... real life happiness here with his wife and kids that love him... the A is about sex... and I know it... I have not given him the admiration, affection and sex he wanted... partly due to his neglect of me... and partly due to a serious back injury and 2 little boys, and also due to the drinking... I have been avoiding my H when he drinks tooo much for about 3 yrs... I learned this is the way to avoid conflict... do not argue with drunk... I learned in alanon if I wanted to live with alcoholic, I should not argue with one... at least one drinking... <p>But, new party buddies at new job... were the new thing and girl in his face letting him see down her shirt, etc... Maybe if he starts to see what he losses... I am not good with divorce threats, as you all can see... I have been falling apart... really badly... I need him... I feel codependent... I am a strong person, I have a mba and also a yr of law school, I am no loser.. but feel like one lately... I love him so much, I cannot believe he would not want to help me feel better when I feel low.. but he does not care.. only more reason to go to OW... I suck... I guess... pretty darn bad...<p>I have never loved anyone on earth as much as this man... I feel like a complete fool... Yes, I could of expressed more love, admired more, etc.. but it is really hard to shower love and admiration on an active alcoholic who hurts you. I haver learned a lot about loving feom this site, and feel really selfish... I feel dumb... I feel like I just have to stay away from him to gain control of myself.--- like I have to pretend he is dead to be OK... THinking my dear beloved H is out there completely unconcerned about me... is like death to me... but worse.. I would rather be dead myself... I hate when I get these thoughts... I know for my 2 dear precious boys.. it is better for them to have me.. than no one... I know he will gladly take my boys, and I am trying to share custody the best I can for now... I feel such the fool. I want to always be with my sons, I could not bear the thought of them doign things without me.. etc... but at least they come home and talk to me, etc... I knwo my boys do not want to leave me... MOM is not steady now... <p>I am too proud to accept help from so many of my relatives... I am just too proud to admit my true defeat... well, my realatives, criticize not understand.. at least MOM and she is the one who could help me now... but she also says she will cut me out of her life should I work things out with my H. That kills me. I love him, this is my family. I am dying inside that my H did this to me ever. I am sooo sad. I love him so much... I want to let him see that.. he hates me now.<p>I do not blame him.. I am like a bad 2 yr. old... I do need a friend, but I have one not. to stay with me and hold my hand - and lord do I need it... <p>Thanks for being there and listiening... at least I can type it out and ck for some advice... I feel so desperately needy and I am sorry for that... I feel stupid.. yuou would not even know I was once a smart, beautiful, confidant woman.. Losing my H, is the worst imaginable thing ever, his death would be easier than this... and people would understand my pain more.. this is worse than his death... does he just not know...???<p>HONEY

Honey,<p>RE: but it is really hard to shower love and admiration on an active alcoholic who hurts you. …….I feel dumb... I feel like I just have to stay away from him to gain control of myself.--- like I have to pretend he is dead to be <p>This is how it works with toxic people. They push you away until one day you no longer love them. That is what has been happening with you. Staying away from him is not dumb it is survival.<p>RE: I have learned a lot about loving from this site, and feel really selfish... <p>What have you learned here about love that makes you feel really selfish?<p>You are learning ’tough love’. There is no reason on earth that you should allow him to be abusive of you. There is no reason that you should ’put up’ with his alcoholism and the associated antics. Al Anon is teaching you this are they not? He is the one who is doing things that are depleting you his love bank with you. Your withdrawing is the start of you falling out of love with him. One of the most compelling reasons for you to avoid him right now is that then he cannot do things to hurt you. If he does fewer hurtful things, then you can hang on to the love for him a little longer. That may give him the time he needs to come around. It sounds like he needs to hit bottom before he gets the help he needs. From what you said he’s well on his way. But, be aware that people can maintain this level of partying and self abuse for years. Some people never come around.<p>From what you have said, he is not really choosing the OW, but is choosing alcohol and the associated life style over you and kids. Having this perspective might help you keep focused on your self and the children. He is doing something right now that is very destructive to himself and his family. You cannot protect him from it. But you can protect yourself and your kids. Unfortunately this is what loving and being married to an alcoholic is like. It’s not a easy road. You are the only sober adult in this entire thing. So it’s up to you to have the strength to not enable his behavior and to do the best you can.<p>You will need to get some help so that you can pull yourself together for your son. Do you really want your H to have custody of them? Does he drink and drive? He should never have the kids in the car with him if he does. Protect your boys. Do not let their dad take them anywhere. Explain to him why and set up visitation in a safe place… it needs to be supervised. If he ever tries to drive the boys anywhere while intoxicated.. Call he police, give them his license number, car description and destination. They will pick him up and return the boys to you. My husband did this. The court then ordered supervised visitation until his ex-wife had some number of clean urine tests. It took her 6 months to clean up her act.<p>So let’s stop talking about you husband. Honey, what do you need. It sounds like you need a support system as your family and friends are not available to you during this. It is not unusual. Getting a person to clean house is a very good idea. One less thing you have to worry about. Are you job hunting? Seems that getting some financial independence is essential. How old are your boys? If they are not in school perhaps your mom could help by taking care of them while you job hunt?<p>You are not going to heal all the pain right now. So turn your focus to tangible things you can do.. Like job hunting, taking care of yourself, exercising and so on. <p>Maybe we could all help you here if you were to list what you see as your problems right now (other then those directly associated with your H). Maybe we can start helping you find the solutions and get you motivated.<p>There is nothing more attractive then a woman who is being strong and self reliant. Your pining over your H and letting your love for him be knowing through outbursts, calling him, and sitting on his step will only further chase him away.

Zorweb and all my other MB Friends, I am better today... thank goodness. I have not called H this morning, real accomplishment for me.<p>I have taken a shower, had coffee, watched some of Moulin Rouge on our new DVD player.. from my parents for christmas, and called in late to work...I will work a few hours this afternoon.<p>I have a part time job, I found about 1 month ago at a law office, as legal secretary. I am overqualified for this job- but needing something FAST as I was going BROKE.<p>I also sell Mary Kay Cosmetics, and I am going to get back into it... I was doing better than ever in Sept. when My H told me about the A and left with my business, and I have let it slow and neglected my business since I have focused on my sorrow, and became overly depressed.<p>Maybe the Anti D's are working... I missed a few days before christmas and have been back on for 3 days, and I feel better.<p>Also all of these emails here really help me, I appreciate all of you kind souls being here to listen and advise me.<p>I thank you, you are helping me take care of me and save myself.<p>I am job hunting and need to do more of it- although I love my home based business MK, I need a steady job and benefits for now... so I can feel safer. THis needs to be a real priority for me.<p>My Mom is retired and has been helping with my boys, but gets a little aggravated, and I do need to put the little one back in daycare and arrange afterschool care for my big boy when school starts, older one is 9, younger one is 3... I may wait on the after school care... until definitely employed full time to save on money...he wants to do this again as he likes to go to the programs with some of his friends, and has done this when I worked at a reg. JOB before. <p>I had been home in a bus with Husband, and my MK business for last 2 years.. and real happy since April when My H got first good job of his life, 100k and was able to take care of us... well along with that he changed and started thinking he was great, deserved massive thank yous for the money he brought home, and started the affair in probably July ... also part of why I was home is a back injury (and the little one combined)... My boys are 9, 4th grader, and 3.<p>OK, so I need a job, and I need to focus on my business more... I really enjoy helping women feel pretty. and good about themselves... and do this in my business- it is great to give in that way.<p>OK, Also, I have to lose weight... I gained weight due to the back problem and probably less exercise.. from hurt back and caring for little one.. also been depressed... SO I will start that diet again... I really let myself feel low when I look and feel fat... and I need to lose 25 pounds... not the end of the world and obtainable.<p>Yes, Exercies will help too. I love to swim... and go to the gym, but my WH has not paid our health club dues... but maybe they will still let me go.. he says he is going to pay them at month end.. they are over $1000 behind... so they may not let me in.. our club also lets you charge dinners, etc... and my H went overboard.. that is where all the charges came from... I wonder if he took OW there to eat, etc... WHO KNOWs, who cares, unless I need this for divorce evidence... guess I could get it... ???<p>OK, Need to take care of kids, this is actually higher priority, but like someone sd about the air in the airplanes.. the face masks- YOu are so right...I have to take care of me... to be able to take care of them... that really hits home with me, and I will focus on this.<p>Alanon does help me focus on me... and I went to my first meeting yesterday after about 2 months... I need to go to more, and they even have some around here with childcare... <p>I am really tired of looking the bad guy... when I would of never done any of the nutty things I have done if not pushed... way out there... <p>OK, it is still not right... and I am going to work on getting rid of my anger.. I think the walks, exercise, etc. can help... and I did start pillow punching, and it felt great- I beat up a pillow on the couch and called it the OW's name...I hate to mention her name... but it felt good to say it, and hit that pillow... for some silly reason I have gotten more mad at OW and even at FIL than at my H... it is like he redirects fault to me,, and I just keep saying sorry to him.<p>I was doing very good detachment until he left... but all the sudden I can't.. I can, but I have felt I had to show him I love him... Actually I have showed him I love him for 17 yrs.. so what is a little plan b... I do not to hold myself together... everytime I hear his hurtful words, etc.. I start to fall apart, cry, etc.
and get way too reactive... <p>What else do I need, a clean organized house... any help with ideas on keeping order with chaos in the head and 2 boys tearing up things will help... but I do hlove having a pretty house, and know I can do it... again... I did it before... WHERe did the real HONEY go?<p>If I start looking better, my spouse may change his mind about me... he will have to see me some, and he will see that I have changed I am sure... acutaully I may decide I do not need this crap... and find someone who will treat me the way I deserve to be treated.<p>I do need a little fun, and that is kind of a problem... what do I do... I almost feel like dating, but know that is not what I need now.<p>I have wanted to go back to law school and I am about to apply, but haven't yet.. I am sure to get in, and this will be just great for me.. but I have to figure out the details on this one... how to have money I need and go to school and arrange childcare... etc.<p>I need more babysitters ,I may even just hire a nanny instaed... I think I would like that better...<p>OK, am I sounding better. I know I am feeling better. LEss desperate, and getting back to being myself. <p>I have to let him go, and let him come back to me if he wants to. I am not the ogar I have become since he abandoned his family.<p>You are right... it is the drinking lifestyle.. this woman provides for now.. sad but he says she wants a baby and they are both saying they will both quit drinking if she gets PG... he didn't do that for me? That must be her talking... he has told me the insanest things... I would like a friend to vent to... if there is anyone I can actually talk to on the phone.. please let me know.. if you are available... I would appreciate some feedback.. but I feel like... some of the crzy things he told me.. she (the drunk dart player) wants his baby... he is not actually deposting the fertilizing fluids in her.. but left them on her body the last time they had sex.. last week, and she put it on her fingers and put the sem... n in her body and sd... i am going to have your baby... Well, this is another thing that pushed me over the edge.. he told me this that night... after we had se- and it had been earlier that day when he was with her... I just about died but I stayed calm and got up to say I had to leave.. my desperate acting spouse sd he is sorry, I am much better, he loves me more, etc. etc... please stay... and got me to sleep with him.. but still seems more interested in the s-x availalbility than me... that is where I started going loco in my little brain..<p>OK, enough about him... anyone available for phone calls, email me at lisaannsmail@yahoo.com<p>I appreciate all of your friendship.. I need to grow strong.. thank you for your support despite the horrible acts I have commited.. I have to end at least my crziness... Please pray for me that he is not going to the DAttorney again after me...it is ridiculous... and the attorney I work for... says the DA will go after any kind of family thing.. because the Da's of america are out to stop any domestic struggle as a major #1 pursuit... Funny thing is he has done way more to me than I am doing now or have ever done... and I never pressed a single charge.<p>I used to call the police on him to get him to stop his crziness when drunk... but never pressed a charge, and thought I never would.<p>Yes, he drinks and drives, it would be easy to get that on him... I am fearful for my kids... and I just don't want to do that to him... but maybe that is a wake up he needs, I feel it would push him farther away.. but he refuses to face the drinking is a problem - or any part of a problem in our marriage. Alanon anyone?<p>thanks again, HONEY