Just looking for advice on dealing with the lows of having someone you love so much, hurt you so badly and liking doing it.<p>I love my H so much, he even just gave me some pearl earrings, but he left... he bought these for me before our fight yesterday... he handed them to me at the door and that was it, then he left... sd he cannot come in... I called on the phone... he says now part of why he cannot come in is that my House is a big mess, which is true because I am so low- I am finding it very hard to function normally. <p>I am getting a housekeeper to help me starting next week, and I know I will be getting back to normal with help... I realy need some help because I have a 3 yr. old and a bad back, and I am just overwhelmed right now...<p>Thanks so much, HONEY

honey,
Do you have a close friend or family member to watch you for the sign of big D, not to hit the low ?. They could help you to get busy with life so that you have no idle time to think !. At the low, you should try avoid contact for a while, taking a break from WS, out of sight would help but you have to get busy otherwise it won't be out of mind.<p>I am nosy Californian, so sorry if I intrude you situation. Why don't you go back to school or trade school ?. W/ small children is hard but some county have program to help out. It will help you out in two folds. Hope it will get you a job and also get you busy. Work on your life as if you are Dv, of course minus any new relationship. It is hard but I did it. I never thought I could survive as a single dad for my 12 & 9 y/o D but you know ... 3 months after D-day. I live a single dad's life, w or w/o help from my WW. I have to allows her to be in since Steve H warn me about pushing her out. But when she is not home life goes on, I took over already. It will make our WS stares at their choice, not on us !.<p>Hope this help.

Christmas wishes honey,<p>I wish things were different for you.<p>redhat is right about the need for you to keep busy. Anything to keep your mind from dwelling on your situation. With two little boys you might look into a part time job rather than a fulltime one. <p>Take the little guys places. Get out of the house.<p>What about a church family? Do you have one?<p>Work on the house. Paint the kids' rooms. Organize your photos. Dig a flower bed. Expend some energy. Just don't let yourself be idle.<p>honey, have you considered antidepressants? They can be lifesavers. They help balance chemicals in the brain that become depleted due to prolonged stress. You might consider talking to your doctor about them.<p>Also, realize that feeling depressed is perfectly natural. You have every right to feel depressed at this time in your life. I have read that anger that is internalized and not released can increase depression. Is it possible that you are holding in your very justified anger? Have you shouted aloud your anger and other feelings. Allow yourself to be angry. I know you have LBed a few times with anger, but maybe if you vent your anger aloud in the privacy of your own home (not in front of the kids, of course) it will help not release the anger to WH.<p>There is lots of help for depression. Don't be afraid to seek professional help. And don't isolate yourself. I know things will inprove for you. I hope it is soon.<p>Take care,
Estes

Thank you both for your replies, I really appreciate it... I have sunken lower as my H got so mad over my LB that he is saying too bad too sad, that was the last straw... my LB yesterday, and that now he does not want to work on our marriage...<p>I do have 2 part time jobs and that helps... realistically... I have so much to do... and I just have not been doing it, I have been wallowing in self pity, and having pity parties... I got a lot healthier when my spouse starting seeing me and spending time with me... a month or two ago- probably 2, he sd he was through with me... now he says it again.. over the rug... incident... I guess I can just start to plan a again, and no more LB's, at least not like that... maybe I can acutally replace the rug. I hate to lose my marriage over one burst of anger... and it was that it was so bottled up as I was playing so nice and kind and getting so hurt, but some benefits... he was spending time with me and being nice, but acting like... I am the devil that drove him away, and if I were not such a cruel evil devil- this would not be happening... <p>I gave him some nice slippers and a fishing pole today, and I know he would love both gifts... none of the OP are gift bringing... and even his family only sent some money... oh yea... I guess the rug I ripped - he says it was part of his christmas... I do not want him apart from me ever... we are now fighting over lack of commitment and his being over there an d not totally ending it with her... and she , the ow will not stay awya... THIS IS SO PAINFUL. <p>I love my husband, this happened due to a serious back injury of mine, and his getting a good job, and starting to work many many long hours... and then being with her... HE JUst acts like the single life is the life for me.. now... I am so sad --<p>Thanks for the support, I am on anti-D, and I did not take for last 4 days... I thought, OH , I am getting so happy, my pills ran out and I did not go pick up and I thought he was going to come home, so I was feeling so much better... but he is not ready just because I miss him so much.<p>Thanks, it is like I am just falling apart with the idea of my marriage ending.<p>thanks, lisa

Lisa,<p>Of course you feel like you are falling apart. You have every right to feel the way that you do.
You are threatened with a huge loss. Try to convince yourself that you DID NOT cause him to have an A. You did not drive him away. He chose to leave. This is his mistake, totally his. If only HIS mistake wouldn't hurt you so badly.<p>You know, you mentioned your anger being bottled up before the rug incident. That's what I was referring to in the earlier post. Don't let it built to a crisis point. Let the anger out in private. My daughter actually punches a punching bag! Swat the rugs. Go to the park and scream. If you try to bottle it up, it will find some way to come out. Your job is to be in control of how it comes out.<p>In the weeks after his d-day, my son felt like he was dying inside. He couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. He paced and agonized. He thought he had nothing let to live for. Days passed. He came to realized that he didn't die. He hurt, but with each new day he was there. The hurt gradually diminished. He lived one day at a time. He began to understand that his WW's choices were hers alone. It was not his fault that she left him for OM. He could not undo her choices. He could not make her choose him. He had no control over her decisions at all. <p>So what could he do? He could make peace with himself. He could Plan A for as long as his resolve held out. And ultimately, all he could do was take care of himself, be a good dad, and not give up on her or his M without a fight, MB style. Now nine months after d-day WW has not given up OM for good. Who knows what she will eventually do. My S wants his marrige, but has lost the love he had for WW because she continues to betray his trust. He's going to try awhile longer and see what happens, but he knows that he will be OK - not, happy yet, but OK.<p>What my point is, Lisa, is that you WILL survive. You will heal. You will feel happiness again. The outcome may not be the one you would choose, but maybe it just will! In any case, you can't shut down your life. You have things to accomplish in this world. As much as you love your H and as much as you want to save your marriage, you can't control your H. <p>Have you read the posts on letting go? Sometimes you have to do that before the WS realizes on his own the consequences of his choices. Then you stay open to him and his return to your M once he wakes up and sees what he has given up. When you look composed, confident, respectful, and loving (but not clingy) he will see what he will miss. <p>It's not you, dear Lisa. Take heart that a year from now, you will not feel the pain that you do today. Hugs!<p>Estes

Oh, yes! Get back on those antidepressants!! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Estes

Thanks Estes, I am actually cleaning the house now... it is hard so I sit to take a break and ck back in... this site is addictive.. I want to go to an alanon meeting tongiht... since my H is alcoholic too, and will try that... if I can get help with the kids... I am just so hurt right now... like you sd rightfully so.<p>I am back on anti-d's as of a late night run last night to the drugstore...I think they are getting back into my system... he will have to go with his own choices and they are so horrible... I just do not understand anyone who could do this sort of thing...<p>I do have to get strong and quit clinging... I wasn't doing that before he left... but boy am I now... it isn't even me.<p>I used to have a life... thanks for all your kind support.. I am really trying... <p>I also hav e a horrible habit of calling H over and over and hoping he will say something nice to me... to give me hope... kind of destructive... I do not know why I have these crzy urges... I do not understand hurting someone you love like this... I do know I cannot make him want to be with me.<p>Hugs, Lisa

Lisa,
I follow Not Peachy in GA, I called her peachy. She is doing good but take the plan A the wrong way. She loves her H soo much that she is a basket case. She disintegrated right in front of her H, now we try to reach her. I saw similiarity between you and it catches my attention. She is also under med and LB'ed the one thing that H hates, "not as challenge". She was better until she faced H again and fall apart. My point is you have to get strong, very strong. You might have to help you H emotionally to get out of alcohol. So think of it you loose your H & M, what do you have to do to survive ?. This is plan A, is for you !. It is hard since we always long for our SO to walk in this path. Me too. But you have too, your 2 S need you as my 2 D need me. Go to get manicure or do something, a little thing for you to feel good, H is not there to make you feel good but don't let him sabotage it ! You could make yourself happy. It is good you start cleaning up & doing something ... not for H but for you. DO NOT LET ANYONE TELL YOU HOW MUCH YOUR WORTH. Any men/women who fight for their M is more than a hero to their family. Actually your H will need your strength later for him to get out of alcohol.

Thanks redhat, HEY I USED TO live in san fran.. if you check backk... will have to ck your threads and tell you if you do not see this one... we had quite an experience out there... and I actually loved it out there. It is a nice place to live, just expensive... I am origionally a texan and here now.<p>Thanks for the advice from you redhat and everyone, all of you kind souls. I feel brow beaten. I really feel like my own husband is just beating the life out of me... I guess if I stand here and love him through everything he does to me... even D if that is what he insists on... I just want fairness.. he keeps saying will you sign it, will you sign it,. I say it is not that simple honey... <p>My H doesn't even begin to know our debt and responsibilities that he will be responsible for if we divorce... it is very sad. I am going to start compliling all of the bills together the best I can, since he is in such lala land. I think I may email these to him, which is fine with him he says... <p>I do have to be strong- I may even have to stop fighting... I guess I can just let him go... let him see what it is really like to live without me in his life... I am really tired of trying, and tired of trying his way... HE Is so into drinking, bars, and darts... and so far away from being a family man that I want right now... HE pretends... but the drinking is so much of his downfalll and so he says- oh we just don't have anything in common... well not hanging in bars... we resolved this problem a few yrs ago and things got so much better for us, and his new work buddies and gf from work... got him into the bars, etc. AGAIN, downfall for an A.<p>I know he will see someday ... I just don't know if I will any longer be here or love him.<p>HONEY