OK, here goes..My wife and I are seperated and she says she's in love with OM. Today she had an anxiety attact when she came over to see me because I had upset her. I know alot of the problems that we have had were my fault and I suppressed her true self. But, I now know that and she knows that and that she wants herself back. I understand that. But I still think that because we both know where we went wrong, we could have a very happy marriage. But the OM is still in the picture. He's mr. perfect with her right now, but she says they do have issues and they are working on them. But, she is using the fact that she is becoming what she was when WE got married. The part of her that I suppressed to work through her problems with him. He was my BF, but now, he's not and I know him much better than she does and know what kind of person he is and what he's all about and I know that that's NOT what she wants. She knows that I want her to come back and try with me, but she says that she just doesn't have it in her to try with me anymore, even after really believing me that I understand what I have done to her. I have told her that I understand and I think that she really believes me. So why doesn't she want to try any more? Why doesn't she want to come back? Is it because she thinks she loves him? Is it because she doesn't care about me anymore? When I metioned to her that "she left me", she said "but, you left me along time ago". I know that now and know how to "fix" where we went wrong. And so does she, but she doesn't want to anymore. Is there any hope that we will ever be able to be together again? How long will it take for him to mess up so she will see that she doesn't love him and does want to be with me? I love her very much and all I want is for her to be happy. Is there anyone out there that understands this situation? Today, she gave me a real caring hug for the first time in weeks. It was a REAL hug. She patted and rubbed my back even. It didn't feel like just a friendly hug to me. So I feel that she does still care for me and she may still want to be with me, but she's scared of me going back to the way things were. Am I right here or is it just wishful thinking. What should I do to show her that I can be the person she originally married and not the insensitive jerk I've been for so long. I'm already helping her everything I can to make sure she's taken care of. I feel like I'm doing too much sometimes, but I feel as if she deserves that from me, because of the hurt I've caused. Right now, there's no way that I'm going to convince her to get away from him and work on us. He's making her too happy right now, he gives her everything that she wants and is "mr perfect" to her. Just a couple months ago, she was truly in love with me. How in a couple months can you fall out of love with someone and then truly in love with someone else. I just don't see it. I see infatuation, not love. He's depositing Love Bank deposits and I'm neither depositing nor withdrawing. She's not giving me the chance to deposit. How can I get that chance? What's going to have to happen for him to start withdrawing and me to be depositing? Again, I'm lost and don't know what to do. What should I do? Someone PLEASE give me some suggestions. I need help. I love her with all my heart and still want to be with her forever and am willing to do anything for her to get her back. help, Please!

J21,<p>Welcome, you have come to the right place.
You have a lot of questions and I will do my best.<p>You are early on this roller coaster ride so strap your self in, you are in for the ride of your life. <p>"So why doesn't she want to try any more?" Most likely she is tired and confused and its easyer to be with OM right now.
"Why doesn't she want to come back? Is it because she thinks she loves him? Is it because she doesn't care about me anymore? Same as above and the love bank for you is overdrawn. She most likely is infatuated with him. <p>When I metioned to her that "she left me", she said "but, you left me along time ago". I know that now and know how to "fix" where we went wrong. And so does she, but she doesn't want to anymore." You will hear many many excuses in the coming months, infact someone once put a thread here that listed all the lame excuese WS's say.<p>"How long will it take for him to mess up so she will see that she doesn't love him and does want to be with me?" Typically affairs last 6 to 24 months depeinding on several things including you. Depeniing on what you do and where she is, she may never want to be with you. Howver yo have come to the right place to get her to want you. You must implement plan A and work it and minimize love busters.<p>"Is there anyone out there that understands this situation? " Unfortunately all of us understand.<p>"So I feel that she does still care for me and she may still want to be with me, but she's scared of me going back to the way things were. Am I right here or is it just wishful thinking. "<p>She still cares for you , but is confused and most likely angry.<p>"What should I do to show her that I can be the person she originally married and not the insensitive jerk I've been for so long. I'm already helping her everything I can to make sure she's taken care of. I feel like I'm doing too much sometimes, but I feel as if she deserves that from me, because of the hurt I've caused."
Read all yo can on Plan A, write one and post it here for feedback, then implement it.<p>"Right now, there's no way that I'm going to convince her to get away from him and work on us. He's making her too happy right now, he gives her everything that she wants and is "mr perfect" to her." YO are correct, her love bank in not open for deposits from you, Plan A and it will eventually open.<p>"Just a couple months ago, she was truly in love with me. How in a couple months can you fall out of love with someone and then truly in love with someone else." I suspect she has been unhappy for longer than a few months. <p>"She's not giving me the chance to deposit. How can I get that chance? " Plan A and the bank will open.
"What's going to have to happen for him to start withdrawing and me to be depositing?" Depending on how much time they spend together he will LB, weather it an annoying habit or an angry outburst, be patient it will happen. <p>"Again, I'm lost and don't know what to do. What should I do? " Plan A and no LB'ing, Vent here.<p>Read His Needs/ Her Needs, Love BUsters and Surviving and Affair. Buy them her at the bookstore. Call Dr.Harley and Schedule a session.

Jas,
I see you read some of MB basic concept. It is good you want to work on your M, this is the most improtant step. I assume you have read about plan A too. Now listen carefully, MB is just method to save M. No gurantee for your WS to come back but MB will prepared you to face the worst. Right now there is nothing you could do to "fix M"... there is no chance for your M as long as there is OM. Instead you wait until A dies naturally, die by itself, no inteference from you. WW choose the A, let her choose to end the A. You will ride the 'coaster of your life and you probably already taste it a bit. You see she is in the fog too .... Now you have to put together plan A. Try to remember what she said to you about this M, what she is unhappy about. Those are your basis for your plan A, i.e she complaint about you never bring a card home or flower home (affections) then do it. Basically you try to show her that you are changed and capable of changes. To make the impact (hallo effect), I suggest you change some of your physical too. I cut my hair, color my hair, schedule gymn hours & change my clothing ... I am a martian so I follows some of the 50 hints of A but short of having one. Don't carry it too far though, my W complaint to MC that I had moved on [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] . Read up on LB and remember avoid it. So rather than dwelling on her A, your exBF, and how to get her back, you concentrate on you. Plan A & no LB while waiting for A to end naturally. Post her for Q or update. We give our opinions and shoulder to lean on but if you could afford it you should get advice from the professional. MC from MB or MC that practice MB.<p>Question for you ... you keep saying mr. perfect, why you say that ?. you also saying about LB$, do you know what is your W EN(s) are ?.<p>[ December 25, 2001: Message edited by: redhat ]</p>

jasn,<p>You have been given some very good advice by the above. Follow it!! See if you can figure out WW EN's. Do the questionarre, ask her if you can.<p>You asked how long it takes for an A to die naturally, D Day for me was almost a year ago, EA had been going on for a year to year and a half, it takes a while, am not sure that my WH wont be in the small percentage that turns the A into a marriage and makes it. It is so sad!!!<p>Remember you can't "Fix" it, you must learn to live your life and to make you a better person.<p>It's been hard, specially this week with WH in my household, but have made it, so I know that you will too!!!<p>Take care, keep coming here and posting, it helps to be among friends that understand, most of the friends I have don't understand why I still love my husband and won't given into what WH wants.<p>Dawn