One day, it's his attempt at intimacy. The next he shudders at my touch as if he can't stand me. I didn't react to his comments. I just ignored them. These comments came after an evening spent entertaining friends at our home. <p>Is this another example of waffling?

Yep ... how I described it when my H flinched when I touched him, even accidently, was he acted like I burned him with a cigarette or something. They act so friggin weird.<p>When my H was home and in the A, he would only allow touching when HE felt like it, other than that he was OFF LIMITS! One time he even said after me touching him that he felt like he was cheating on OW.<p>I HATED HEARING THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<p>I cried for hours in the bathroom after he said that, but never let on.<p>It really must be mixed messages for you, having him want intimacy one minute and shuddering at unintentional touching the next.<p>Chalk it up to an Alien in the thickest of FOGS. It just can't be explained. Except to say they are 100% taker and very selfish right now.<p>I'm sorry, I know it hurts you. Please don't take it personal. It's all about him ... the SCHMUCK! Whoooops, sorry .....<p>Stay strong for you and the kids. <p>Love,
Jo<p>[ December 27, 2001: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

My H went through that, too. We were in the checkout line at Sam's when I brushed a piece of lint off his shoulder. He visibly flinched and snapped, "Don't touch me!" That was so unexpected that my eyes welled up with tears and I had to go on out to the truck. He got into the truck and asked what was wrong with me. By that time, I had become angry, so I LB'd and said, "Don't worry about it. I'll never touch you again." We went on to have a fight almost all the way home, but I think he did see that it hurt me. Anyway, he has never told me that again.<p>This was back when our sex life was still in the gutter (withdrawal from the "non-affair" with Cafe Woman).

Hi Jo and LC, Thanks for responding and validating. I was thinking about the incident today and wondering that if I really had no effect on him, would brushing against him really bother him? Would he not be indifferent to it? Or am I just picking at straws?

Yep,
Typical wayward behavior....my H has reacted like that in past affairs. We always used to sleep curled around each other. In one of his affairs, I rolled over and put my arm around him and he yanked away and yelled "Don't touch me". It was devastating.<p>This summer when we all went out on the boat. He kept me at arms length the whole day. Everyone was putting lotion on each other and I reached to put some on his back. He yanked back and said "Don't bother...don't touch me...I don't need it". Really hurts. Too bad they don't see that. <p>They are just way too far into the fog. Take care Pat

Yessss<p>For what it is worth, I was NOT allowed to touch my H, EVER. Pretty damn painful and sad, I think.

Dear Terrified,
I hate to say this about the man you love, but WHAT A JERK! I'm so sorry this happened to you. Consider yourself hugged and I truly admire your calm response... I KNOW I would have flunked that test! [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Let me get this straight, you "accidentally" brushed against him and he said that???? <p>To me, it sounds like he wants to be close to you but he's fighting it. In the meantime, he comes across looking like a confused, pitiful, neurotic weirdo.<p>Gosh, I'm soooo sorry... [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

<p>[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: Bunny ]</p>

Terrified,<p>What I read in an MLC on-line book was they (WS) perceive us (BS) as the enemy and we're to blame for everything, all their unhappiness.<p>So, when he is touched by you and reacts badly, he's acting out his fear of the enemy.<p>And when he wants intimacy, he's being a taker, being selfish and self serving.<p>I hope this doesn't hurt you, honey. But doesn't it sound true?<p>Lv,
Jo

Thanks for all your replies but I'm now worried...do they ever stop viewing us as the enemy?

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Terrified:
<strong>Thanks for all your replies but I'm now worried...do they ever stop viewing us as the enemy?</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I don't know if they do or they don't. But your H may not be having an MLC, Terrified. It's highly likely his is a typical A. Not trying to minimize it by calling it "typical", you know I know how devistating this is.<p>Don't worry about the touching thing, all WS's seem to do it, MLC or not. <p>Lv,
Jo

Terrified,<p>My ex-H did this for the last 7 years of our marriage. It got to the point that if I touched him he'd yell at me "Who do you think your are touching me?" We slept in the same bed until the last two months (At that point I moved to the family room couch.) For all those years he made sure that our son slept in the same bed between us. It's a very sick think he did to use a child as a buffer.<p>We have been divorced since 1997 and he still sees me as the enemy.<p>This is different for everyone. It sounds like, from some of the responses you have had here, that it has been transitory for some. <p>I know who this hurts. It is cruel emotional abuse. If he feels that way then it is his problem and he needs to look at it. This is not some thing you can change in him.<p>Wish I had more positive input here. All I know is that it will take time for either him to pull out of this or for you to know that it is not going to change.<p>{{{{hugs}}}}}}

Terrified,<p>Went through something similar, too, and I think it's pretty typical of a WS, particularly when the EMR is still physical or has just ended. <p>H never outright came out and said, "Don't touch me," but it was pretty clear that he didn't want me to be physically intimate with him in any form or fashion. I remember trying to hug him a couple of times, and he didn't do anything. Arms at his sides, no response. It was like hugging a corpse.<p>Later when XOW sent her tell-all, she told me that he swore to her that we were not being physically intimate/sleeping together (we had been and were on occasion). I guess that partially explains it - he knew he was lying to *somebody* and it made him feel bad. <p>To this day, that haunts me. Whenever I touch him, I feel as though I'm touching somebody else's boyfriend or husband. As though I'm doing something I'm not supposed to. I'm pretty realistic about this ... I'm reasonably sure that the last really hot sex H had was with the XOW, and not me. Not something you can just get over, IMHO.<p>blessings,<p>belld

Thanks for all your replies. Just needed to let you know that the scales were, once again, tipped in the opposite direction. Yesterday was my sister's wedding. He participated in every aspect. Pictures (I never asked but my sister did and he said yes), taking video, socializing with friends and family, etc...basically the OLD H. On the drive home, H conversed very NORMALLY. Dropped my mother off and he continued to the NORMALCY. Arrived home and he decided to become intimate but ruined it for me by saying "Do you know how hard it was to be there tonight?" I responded quite calmly, "No, it didn't appear it was difficult for you at all. In fact, you seemed quite comfortable with the situation." He did not respond. <p>Then, New Year's Eve...H insisted that he didn't want to plan anything with anyone BUT it could be the three of us at home??? One of our "couple" friends called and he agreed for us to attend their house party??? <p>How do I interpret this behaviour? Do I toss it up to the old rollercoaster?