HOW on earth do you deal with this?<p>H's Aunt and I sat down last night and I told her the whole story about H and I and what's been going on the past few months. Told her all I know about OW, the things H has said to me, the way he's behaved, his lies, his disrespect and also included the "positives". She asked, so I told her. I kept in mind that this was her nephew I was talking about, so I was very careful in the words I chose and didn't abuse him verbally in any way. <p>But at the end of the day, she's digusted with him. She called him an "emotional cripple", which isn't too far off the mark, really. I tried really hard to explain what I was doing, the changes I was making in myself and why. But I almost felt as if it fell on deaf ears. Her very strong opinion is that I should just tell him goodbye. <p>"venus" she said, "he's walking ALL over you! He's keeping both of you hanging on and him saying he's confused and doesn't know what he wants is just an excuse to not have to deal with any of it. He's lying to you, he's cheating on you, he's being a complete child and I think in order for you to move on with your life, you need to just tell him and OW that you're done with it. Dump him, and move on with your life. I know it's hard, I know it's painful, but you're being a fool. You're being there for him whenever he asks for it and you're letting yourself be walked all over. Just stop it, V! You will not be able to move on with your life as long as you continue to see him. Stop spending time with him, stop talking to him on the phone and emailing him and just let him go to her. OW is a complete nut case and he may or may not see that, but I think you're being daft and making bad decisions. I can't believe he is behaving this way. I am totally shocked by what he's done and I think he's a s**t."<p>In other words, she thinks I should go to an evil Plan B.<p>Of course, this set me off. I got very upset, but didn't let her see that. I just couldn't bring myself to break down yet again. I just listened. I could feel the knots in my stomach forming and felt like I was being brainwashed in a sense. I started to question whether or not she was right. I started to forget everything I've read and started thinking to myself that I really don't deserve to be treated this way and really should just kick him out of my life completely and not even with the hope that we can reconcile. Of course I love him and of course I would want him back, but how the heck can I continue to allow myself to be treated this way? Would I take this from anyone else? Would I put up with this bulls**t from anyone else? No. So why bother?<p>I went to bed and thought about it as I lay there. Wished I had my copy of SAA with me so I could re-group a bit. Now I'm feeling like H's Aunt may be right. But it goes against everything I've believed in for the past few months. I've been Plan A-ing so well, but it's quite a wake-up call that H chose to spend the holiday with OW. I can't think of anything more disrespectful to me. <p>The words of H's Aunt are ringing in my head. I'm feeling like throwing in the towel. I'm feeling like sitting down with him and telling him exactly what I think of him and his behaviour and just being done with it. Not even a Plan B letter because I think even that is too good for him. <p>Someone please remind me that I'm doing the right thing. Some please inspire me with success stories. This is really the first time someone has sat down and said they think I'm being an idiot by allowing him to treat me this way. It's SO hard to hear and I get sucked into so easily. <p>Thanks for listening. I needed to get that out.

HEY!<p>You are NOT being an idiot. You are doing the right thing, because, it's what YOU want.<p>You see, to me that is part of the problem with sharing your marriage woes with others.<p>You know if my H had not had an affair, I too would be telling you to dump him. I would have said, venus, you are being a fool. NO WAY, would I let my H treat me that way.<p>Well venus, I guess I ate crowe. This was/is my marriage and I felt my H was worth fighting for. I wasn't gonna let him drop me so easily. Yes, he wanted to, but I had a different plan. I wanted my marriage, H did not.<p>Thanks to plan A, I now have my NEW marriage with the same H. But, we are both new and improved.<p>It's so damn easy for others to say what they would do. I learned that YOU don't know what you would do until you are walking in those shoes.
There are many success stories about reconciled marriages, but, they don't happen overnight.

Well, your Aunt certainly knocked the nail on the head!<p>I have had struggles with these issues myself. I have wondered if my Plan A was enabling my H to do whatever he wanted to do without repercussion, and I have felt demeaned that I let him do those things to me.<p>I have ben in Plan B for a couple of months now, and for me it is a little easier than most here, because we are in different countries......but he will be here on the 4th of Jan. <p>The reason I went into Plan B was that I found out he was still with OW, and he didn't seem to care what I thought, and it was hurting me EVERY single time I had contact with him. I found I needed to protect myself. So now, the plan is to only email if it is about kids or money, and for me that has worked ok. For him, and I won't go into details, but he has tricked me three times into talking to him, and I am left feeling each time, for what?????? The answer is power over me........keeping his hand in, so to speak, if the OW and him don't get along.<p>Well, I decided to exit Plan B for a couple of minutes on Christmas eve, his birthday. I let the kids phone him, and then I thought it would be nice to wish him a happy birthday myself.........BAD MOVE. Mr COLD. Then he as good as tells me he will be spending Christmas with OW. THEN he doesn't phone the kids Christmas day.<p>Do I want this pain? No way!! Back to Plan B for me, immediately.<p>But for you, you alone know when you have had enough, not his aunt, nor anyone else.........YOU. And how OP react to it seems to be varied. There are no guarantees.<p>Jacky

Your Aunt is right - sorta [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>We just put a different twist on it here over at MB - and personally I think it is the far more emotionally mature and healthy one.<p>Just remember - it doesn't matter what your Aunt thinks - she isn't you and doesn't have to live your life with the consequences of your decisions.<p>Conventional wisdom says that once someone cheats, the marriage is over. We know here, that this is far from true. <p>Remember...your H's Aunt cares about you...and doesn't like to see you in pain. She thinks she's helping you to get out of pain. And also...I don't know if your Aunt has ever been cheated on....but I now know, sadly, that until it happens to you, you just can't possibly know what YOU would/should do in a situation like that...much less know what anyone else should do.<p>Remember, in SAA...Dr. Harley does point out that the BS has every right to leave the marriage once adultery becomes a factor.<p>I love that he says that. Because you see, what he did was set us free. We aren't victims. We are CHOOSING our marriages and CHOOSING to stay.<p>The way I look at it is this:<p>The affair means something is seriously wrong with the marriage. <p>Now, we BS's have 2 choices. We can deal with this with respect and dignity for ourselves and our spouses....or we can return evil and vengenance.<p>We can take responsibilty for ourselves, for our part of our marriages, we can use this painful, heartbreaking time as an opportunity for growth....or we can let it rip us to shreds and become mean, petty, spiteful people.<p>Which do you think leaves every possible door, open for the WS to return through?<p>Harley's Plan A simply takes an ugly situation, and makes the best of it - with the idea that IF the marriage can be saved, this is the best way to give it every chance. And even if it fails...we walk away survivors, and better for it.<p>So you aren't acting like a doormat...you are demonstrating to your H that you love him, are willing to change, and are already doing so without conditions.<p>Your Aunt is right - he will probably continue to be "confused" until you implement Plan B. But I'm not going to suggest that until YOU need it. You are doing what is best for YOU. One day, if this ends up in divorce...you'll be able to look yourself in the mirror and say...I did everything I could.<p>Self-esteem comes from doing esteemable things. Plan A can be just that...an esteem builder. You aren't a doormat - you aren't a victim - you helped your marriage get into its current condition, and now you are showing depth of character by taking responsiblity for your part.<p>There are those here who use plan A as an excuse to act as a doormat, to not take responsiblity for their own lives, who don't turn the spotlight on their own issues, and to simply try to beg, appease and abuse their spouses into coming home.<p>That's not what we are really doing here.<p>I think you are probably on your way to being ready for Plan B. And thats ok. A good Plan A will help you survive Plan B. <p>And no matter what happens, you, Venus, will be a much better person on the other side.<p>What kind of a woman would you be, if you just simply walked away in anger, and returned evil for evil?<p>Would you been any wiser or better as a person? Would you be able to look yourself in the mirror and say: I like myself! ?<p>(((hugs)))

Venus,
Bramblerose is a wise person. Listen to her. You need to do what you feel is right. You are being loving and kind and working on you because you love your H and want your M. Those who condemn that and say you are being a doormat are not in your shoes. I was also one of those that said "if you ever have an affair, that's it, I'm done." Well, I surprised myself (and my H) by surviving an A and still wanting my M. Unfortunately for me, I do not believe my H can survive it. Part of me thinks he went to that extreme because he felt I'd divorce him quickly and for him, anyway, it would be an easy out. If you still have love left for your H, you keep doing what you've been doing. You are a shining example of a GREAT Plan A. We are here for you to vent to. If you have people telling you to GIVE UP and GET OUT; don't talk to them anymore. It may end up taking Plan B to keep any love you have for your H; but only you can decide when and if that's going to happen. My thoughts and prayers go out to you!<p>PEACE,<p>MOM

Hi Venus, <p>I have followed your story lately in the background and know exactly how you feel. I am the BS..D-Day was 23 weeks ago for me. The coaster ride is sometimes un-bearable when it hits the bottom of the hill. <p>Venus, like the posters above me said...only YOU can make that call. You will have to live with it and YOU will have to look in the mirror everyday and accept it. <p>I believe that if i hadn't found this site that i would be seperated and/or divorced by now. My WS's affair had been going on for a year before i found out. I told her that i would give her time to end it....but i didn't say how long. She didn't fall in love with him over night and couldn't fall out any faster. This gave me time to work on me. <p>Here are some things that i tell/ask myself when i am at the point that you are Venus. <p>1. Can i look in the mirror in 10 years and say i did everything i could to save this marriage ? <p>2. In the grand scheme of things is 6 months or a year really that long of time ? (I know it is in our position)<p>3. My marriage didn't get in the shape it was in overnight and can't be "fixed" overnight either....it takes time and alot of work. <p>4. I took a vow for better or worse...NOONE said how bad worse was. <p>5. I wanted to make ME the best person i could be for me and my marriage. It's something i needed and wanted to do anyway. <p>6. I didn't tell alot of people, other than those that already knew...even her parents were telling me to kick her out of our house to get her attention !! The best plan "A" is when you can show your changes to them AND see where they are at with you !! <p>
Hope some of this helps Venus...follow your gut instinct and your heart. My wife was sure i would divorce her if i found out of her "A"...because i ALWAYS thought with my brain and not my heart. This time i thought with my heart....listen to it, it won't lead you wrong.<p>GOOD LUCK V !!
You go girl ! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Venus,<p>Everyone offered you great advice.<p>BrambleRose's thread was particularly illuminating, as always.<p>You do what is best for you. You want no regrets whatever may transpire, and this is how you get there. You are taking the road less traveled Venus, which is never easy, but always worthwhile.<p>Just think a minute of how much you've learned in the short time you've been here regarding nuturing and keeping a marriage safe from infidelity. <p>Like everyone has said, no one knows what they would do if infidelity ravaged their marriage, sadly, you have to experience it first hand and what you do about it is a personal choice.<p>Jo

Venus,<p>You asked for a success story, and I'm not sure you've read Lostva's story but here it is, honey. It's a great read.<p>Stay strong!<p>**************************************************
Ok, so you guys do realize that I tend to get wordy and talk WAYYYYY too much and you STILL want me to do this, right? I'm gonna touch on a lotta stuff here. I'd shied away from posting lately, but I've actually been ASKED my opinion!! You guys don't know what a mind-field you've set off here!! <p>Now, I'm not particularly wise and wonderful, but I can share with you my experiences and feelings, but that's all. And sometimes those feelings don't follow the norm, so be forewarned.<p>OK, history first, I guess. One Monday, last spring, Robert walked in after work. He leaned over to kiss me and I said "Hi, Honey, I love you." He said, "Hi. I love you, too, but not like I used to - we need to talk." That was my last kiss. And the night of the "I love you but not IN love with you stuff." Also the last "I love you" in any form.<p>Within a week, he didn't love me at all, couldn't stand the sight of me, our marriage had been a mistake and he wished he had never married me. Knew our relationship had been a mistake since the beginning (TEN YEARS???) and it never should have happened. Kristin didn't care for him at all and never would. His family couldn't stand us and we had ruined his life. He couldn't count the number of times he had wished I had been in an accident and died so that he could be released from these "pits of hell". We had NEVER had a good time, never really cared for each other like we should - he couldn't even remember the fun times. And on and on....All this was news to me! We were the couple that most people envied! We had had a hard couple of years, Mom's cancer, Papa's death, but I had NO idea. I wanted to die.<p>THEN, he told me about PT. She made him feel WONDERFUL. He finally knew what true love really was and he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. He adored her 3 year old and she loved him. I had NEVER made him feel this way, we were never meant to be, etc......you know the stuff, right? The knife turned. We've all been there.<p>So, I came here and lurked. And cried. And couldn't sleep, 30 pounds in 30 days, all the standard stuff. One month later, he left to be with her.<p>When he left, I didn't know where he was. He didn't contact us, not even Kristin. He spent some time visiting his mom, but eventually, cut away from them as well. She was my greatest strength through this mess. Now, don't get me wrong, she welcomed PT into her home, the whole family did. They were afraid they'd lose Robert if they didn't. His sister called me and told me that Robert was finally happy and I should "move on". (Man, I hate those words, what DO they really mean???) But Mom called me daily once she found out what was going on and tried to spy as much as possible. We've gotten closer than I ever imagined we could be.<p>PT and Robert set up house. He already had her moved into a new place b/f he left. They opened joint bank accounts, he brought her HERE when I wasn't here to get some of his things, set her up with OUR doctor (she supposedly didn't have one), took her all around OUR town (they lived an hour away) as his girlfriend. Told everyone he ran into that we were through. In VA, you have to be separated for 6 months to get divorced and he said as soon as that time was over, we were done. Taught Leah to call him "Daddy". (That hurt worse than ANYTHING, believe it or not.) No financial support whatsoever. Took two vehicles so PT could have one. He called infrequently - when he needed something (until the last month), came by rarely, usually to pick up something or hunt. Didn't give me his address or phone number. Was cold and mean to me - wouldn't talk to Kristin at all hardly (except for once or twice during the whole time.) He was someone I didn't even know.<p>The first time I posted here, Deb responded first...."You'll be ok, you CAN get through this, there are things you can do." Ok, so there was NO way she could know..I mean, she could NEVER have hurt like I did, loved like I did, been treated as horribly as I was. Ok, I was wrong. She DID know! And she was right - so was everyone else.<p>I owe my friends here my life. They calmed me down. Showed me I wasn't alone. Cried with me, took deep breaths with me, got me through way too many sleepless nights, laughed with me, and kicked me in the butt and outta feeling sorry for myself when I needed it. I think that was the most important thing of all. And helped me find something to laugh at in the midst of all this mess. I soon discovered I was looking forward to waking every morning.<p>So, like she said, the rawness eased - the hurt found it's place, continuous sorta, but in it's place. I started paying attention to what people were trying to teach me, got rid of my stubborness and self-righeousness. Ordered books, read, read, read! And started thinking. <p>You know, Robert couldn't come up with one specific thing about me as a wife that was bad. Even said so himself. But, once I got rid of the old ideas and opened my mind, I COULD!!! I mean, I had worked my butt off to be a good wife, but..... You've heard me say before that he broke the vow of fidelity, but I broke a lot of them too - unknowingly. I wasn't the best PERSON I could be and therefore, not the best wife either.<p>And I thought about him too. I'd known this man for fifteen years - through good times and what I THOUGHT were bad times (this mess sorta changes your perspective!! ) This was not him...to abandon us, leave us to starve. He and Kristin were "joined at the hip". To say now that he never really loved her, just cared for her? Something was definitely not right. This was NOT him....not from my experience, or that of his family and friends (who he had now begun to turn his back on.) Sooo.....<p>Well, after reading a few books on the nature of affairs, looking realistically at my contributions to the state of our marriage, listening to my betrayer friends on this site, I started to understand. It took away the sting of his words and actions. Didn't erase it - just took the edge off. Through Harley's books and others, I learned about marriages and affairs. From Phil McGraw, I learned about myself. I was insatiable. My basic personality is to DO something. Now, I had a bit of understanding, AND something I could do! I got stronger and stronger. Sure, there were bad days. Thanksgiving and New Years come to mind, as well as one notable weekend w/ two LB letters. (BTW, I found out that he was thinking hard about coming home at that point and my letters talked him right out of it! The power of a LB!! I'm glad - I wasn't where I needed to be yet!) As I grew stronger, I felt freer. I realized that I had the power. He didn't keep me going, I realized it was up to me to do that, and to keep HIM going, too! Even though he didn't know it.<p>First decision. Do I love my husband? Yup, more than life itself - not the things he's doing now, but the man he truly is inside. Second. Do I want my marriage back? Nope - but I want a better one. Third - Am I ready to work for it? Absolutely!! I asked myself these three questions every single day. Every morning, before I got out of bed, I asked myself these questions. Same answer. <p>So I loved him. And respected and believed in the man I KNEW was inside. I learned to look PAST this behavior and into the soul of the man that I was convinced was still there. And tried to understand the torture he was going through - even though he didn't THINK he was. I knew now, right? I took the good little signs and they sustained my love. I blew off the bad stuff as part of the addiction. So it wouldn't KILL my love. I believed in him and lit a candle (still do, for us and all my friends) and every time I passed it, I told him I loved him and I believed in him. The coolest part was I was also beginning to believe in ME!! TNT taught me that, the power of words and belief. <p>Since I couldn't talk to him, I wrote a letter to him once a week and sent it to his mom's. Pop would deliver it to work for me. They were light, funny, flirty, news from home - like he was away from camp and homesick!! Works of art that I worked hard on at first, then seemed to come more easily. Somewhere in each letter, when appropriate, I compared something that I was telling him with a good memory of ours (and then this happened and you know it was just like when we....)and laughed about it. I ended each one with "I love you and I will always believe in you." I never took off my rings. He commented on that once - asked why I was wearing them - really angry sounding. I told him I loved him, I was married to him and I would always be married to him in my heart. He looked annoyed at first, looked like he was gonna yell at me and then got quiet for a minute. Then, with a strange look on his face, he said quietly "Thank you, Lori." I laughed and flirted when I saw him. Once or twice, I teared up, but not often. I saved that for when I was alone. At the end of each of the few visits, I hugged him goodbye and said "I love you." I got nothing except "You DO know I'm getting a divorce and marrying PT - no matter what. And even if I didn't marry her, I'll never come back." I just told him to do what he needed to do, but I'd always love him. I never discussed PT with him, never mentioned her name. I never discussed us or our marriage. If he brought it up, I'd just say I loved him and I wanted what would make him happy. No more. He'd just look at me like I had lost my mind.<p>At first it was "pretending". But I was working on me too, with the help of my favorite book by Phil McGraw. And I wasn't sitting around waiting. I continued to love him, but I had a daughter to raise and life was happening. I knew I couldn't support us and keep this house. She couldn't stay in private school. And I didn't have much time. I knew my job would be ending, just didn't know when. So I enrolled her in public school, started working on the house to sell it. Went to HS football games, shopping with friends, movies with the kids, whatever. I enjoyed more days than I didn't. And grew stronger. So, soon, I didn't have to pretend. During this time, I forgave him. Don't remember when or how, just all of a sudden, realized that I wasn't angry and didn't hold anything against him. Robert had held marriage sacred, had always been there for me, no matter what. Had NO respect whatsoever for any SOB who would stray and was very verbal about it. For a good, kind and decent man - the most wonderful man I ever knew to turn his back on everything that had ever been important to him - something was wrong. And I couldn't love him and not forgive him for something that took him over so completely. I learned to laugh. I began sleeping, I began to live. But I didn't stop loving him. I think THAT'S moving on.<p>Around Dec. he started calling a bit more, bogus reasons, favors he needed. Still talking divorce. But finally communicating a bit. I just listened. Never talked about us. See, now I wasn't "playing" him to get him back. I was REALLY his friend! You know? I cared about him, loved him and wanted what was best for him. Like a real friend would. So, it was getting easier most of the time. Of course, I still wanted him back, but, I wasn't obsessing anymore. He called one day at work, wanted the Dr.'s phone number and wound up getting really nasty with me. I patiently listened and let him talk, no matter what he said, and eventually discovered that he had had a seizure, the first in 20 years, the Friday b/f. Once I thought about it and the way I know my husband is, I realized he could've looked the phone number up in the directory. He needed to talk - he was scared. And, for him, scared turns into angry. And I was the target. Why? Because I was the one he could trust. And I was there for him. I found out later, I was right. Without even realizing it, when he got scared, he turned to me.<p>In January, I got that letter. And 4 days later, he asked to come home. We took a month to make the transition and see each other. He still had not said "I love you." That came during that month. So did our first conversations about us since that very first week. I found out later that he thought he came home b/c he decided he SHOULD. Now, it didn't hurt that PT had been a B**** and I had become someone he enjoyed being around. He told his family he really "liked" me now - I was still Lori, but "more somehow". And I really liked me too - a whole lot more than I did before. I was very proud of myself for what I was doing - for my marriage and for me personally. That shines through, I think. It seems that he had been doing a lot of thinking - for practically the whole time. And then, one day, he heard a song, and it stuck in his head, reminding him of committment and all that stuff. He pushed it away and wrote that letter - fighting the thoughts. Well, on his way over here on Saturday, he heard it again. And he decided. He couldn't "move on" until he had finished this. He was coming over to fix my dryer for me (the FIRST thing he had ever offered to do) and wound up taking me for a ride and asking to come home. No real romance there, guys.<p>The first few weeks were unsettling. PT pulled hard and so did his emotions. There's so much guilt and other stuff. He said he wanted to move out on day 3. He tested me constantly to see if I was real and if my love was real. And, then, very slowly, he became strong. And we began to fall in love. And now, he tells me he loves me forever, loved me even when he didn't love me (that makes sense to me for some reason) and that he's 100% "in love" with me (I hate THAT phrase, too, but I'll take it from him! ) He also says he admires my courage, respects me for respecting him, even when I had no reason to, and that my believing in him made him strong. I don't take credit for all that, but it sure feels good to hear it.<p>Ok, now for opinions. Don't blast me, ok? I never felt humiliated or shamed. We made mistakes and bad judgements, but...stuff happens. I had small spurts of anger - at specific THINGS he did and said, but anger has never come easily for me - I believe it's simply another way of showing hurt, so I never really had to deal with the slow burning continuous anger - I just let myself hurt and dealt with it. Tootrusting is right - we can't force them. THEY have to figure it out on their own. All we can do is be there and love them - if we choose to.... and that's what it is - a choice. We're not doormats or any such nonsense. We're strong and independent and coping with a difficult situation, thank you. And this is NOT for wimps! I can't think of anything less doormatty (like that word? ) than standing strong for what you believe in in the face of all the nonsense. But I'd be there for my child and I decided I'd sure as hell be there for my husband as long as he'd let me - and sometimes, even when he wouldn't. A lot of times it would've been a lot easier to run - For my short time, I chose the other path.<p>
Robert didn't decide "all of a sudden". All those months of Plan A (I just do NOT have a Plan B personality!) were slowly building impressions that were eating away at his subconscious. When the time was right, a trigger (the song) brought them to the surface. I'm not so sure that he really did it to "do the right thing." I think that's the excuse for doing what he wanted to do, know what I mean? I mean, his love just grew too quickly to have just been "doing the right thing." He didn't change his mind quickly. Everything was slowing bringing him back to reality - we just couldn't see it. PT was being a B*****. I was being an angel. The fog was wearing thin. The letter was a last grasp to hang on to the "I'll never go back" thing. Fighting back against those nagging thoughts. I found out later that every time he left here, no matter how awful he was to me, he went home and was MORE awful to PT - or quiet and sullen. Then, he'd go out and do something WONDERFUL for her.....trying to hold on, know what I mean? Remember the little Dutch boy? A tiny hole in a dam is NOT a big thing. But that little bit of water, seeping through, DOES eventually break it down! That's Plan A. That's what happened to Robert, I think and so does his mom. It didn't happen all of a sudden, the damn dam just finally broke against the consistant gentle force of the water!!! (I just LOVE analogies - even corny ones! )<p>OK, warned you this would be long and I don't even know if I've helped at all. The saddest part is that it WAS longer....I actually pared it down a bit! TNT summed it up better than me.<p>Ok, so that's the closest I can come to a nutshell version. If I missed a question, let me know. I'll try NOT to be so wordy the next time around.<p>Good luck to you. <p>Love and prayers,<p>Lori
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Venus, Trust the voice inside of you - it's called intuition. You'll know when it's time to do something differnt. Maybe you can ask yourself what you should do and then listen and wait. The hard part about that is that sometimes it will be something that you don't want to hear. But in the end if you listen to your intuition it will be the best thing for you.

Venusenvy,<p>I do believe you received great replies. Bottom line is only you know when it's time to end it. I going through the same situation as you. I had friends that told me that "if this happened to them, they would be at the lawyers the next day" well, it's not that simple. Until someone goes through what we went through, no one can say anything.<p>I have been dealing with D-day for 9 months. My WW has given no shot for us. She told me that more than once. We have two boys, but I was the one who gave her the papers. It hurts, but it's time to move on. I still question if I am doing the right thing, but her actions always points me in the right direction.<p>Good luck.<p>Dino

venus,<p>I know that your aunt means well, but she is probably not familiar with MB techniques and isn't aware that many marriages are salvaged after affairs. An affair isn't an automatic reason to toss out a marriage as many believe. You are following a tried and true strategy to recover a marriage that was pioneered by a TRAINED professional. I would stick to your current path, venus, and continue to follow MB principles. You might not reap any benefit TODAY, but who knows what is just around the corner. And maybe it IS time to go to Plan B, but I would do it based on MB principles and not from pressure from untrained relatives.

Venus, please listen to Bramble Rose...she hit the nail on the head...her advice and Sad Daddy's are exactly right.<p>We are the BSs...so we know what we can take and for how long. And, while others are well-meaning...ultimately it is our lives...we need to live them and know we did everything we could to affect our marriages in a positive way.<p>Hang in there...be strong...<p>Take care...<p>E