I am trying the best plan A that I can do. I do realize that I need to do some things to make myself a better person. My problem is that I am so hurt by what my wife has done and still is doing that I don't know how to do some of these things.
I am working out but I have always done that even when I was with my wife. I went out yesterday and got a hair cut and did some shopping. I have been reading several books on marriage. I have read two books and waiting for two more to arrive hopefully this week. It is so hard to try to be strong when inside I am just hurting so bad.
The counselor has told me to quit chasing my wife that she should be chasing me for what she has done. I am real scared that my wife won't do that. I am not prepared at all for her to just walk away from me forever.
I am still a wet blanket so I really don't go out too much. I go out with my brother and friends as much as I can take it. I am not really into drinking my problems away. I am not staying home to make my wife feel guilty. I stay home some times because that is how I am dealing with everything.
Does anyone else have any other suggestions on what I can do to make some changes in myself?
I don't think ever in my life I have been hurt more by another person and that person happens to be my wife.

Confused:<p>I have to admit I do not know anything about your story. I have been here off and on for the last month. I am ashamed to admit that for several months I just dropped off of the MB face of the earth. I was so convinced that there was nothing left to fight for that I stopped caring. But I am back now and something you said made me want to respond. <p>Plan A is not about chasing anyone. Plan A is about making changes in your life and letting her see them. Plan A is about finding the areas you need to work (which is sounds as if you have), working on those things (FOR YOU) and becoming the best you possible. If the OP is still in the picture, you could not catch your WS even if you did chase her, and chasing would only drive her further away. At the same time, do not expect her to chase you now either. That is not likely to happen until the changes you are making become evident to her and the OP is out of the picture. <p>What she is doing should not impact you working on things you need to work on because you are not doing these things for her, you are doing them for you. If you try to change for her, you are not really changing for the right reason and the change is not likely to last. If you keep in mind that these changes are for you then I think they will be easier to implement. <p>I was talking to my WH a few days ago and he said that he wanted to spend some time with me to see if there may be a chance of us getting back together. I asked him why all of the sudden did he think that there might be a chance (although he says it is only 50/50) and he said because I am different now. He then asked me what things I would like him to change for our relationship to have a chance. I told him that I made the changes in myself for me not for him and that I was the only one that could look inside to decide what needed to be fixed for me to be the best me I could be and that he had to do the same. You can not change for someone else. If you remember that you will find the strength to change. There will be times when you will feel like you can not go on. But you know what you can because I did. I am not anywhere near a reconciliation, but I am further that I was a few months ago. Nine months ago my WH said there was not a chance for us, today my odds are up to 50/50. <p>Hang in there and keep coming here for strength. I turned away from here when I needed the people here the most and I had some rough moments that could have been made easier if I had stayed here. Do not make the same mistakes I did.

I know exactly how you feel, it hurt so much that at first I just wanted to throw in the towel and give up. I tried what I thought was a good Plan A but ended up pushing W further away with my neediness and smothering. Some wonderful people here showed me what Plan A is really about and it has helped tremendously.<p>So, if this helps, for me Plan A is all about changing me. I am a very thick-skinned and stubborn guy and at first wasn't willing to admit that I was responsible for not meeting any of W's needs and creating some of the environment that led to the A. I had to do a lot of soul-searching and some serious self-evaluation and prayed to God to reveal to me the things I wasn't willing to see. A lot of the stuff that I realized about myself I didn't like, but knew that I had to change, for me more than anything else.<p>Since I am so stubborn, changing me isn't easy, especially when it comes to my negative aspects. I had to, and still am, really fight myself to make and sustain the changes that I know are necessary. It's a lot of work but I am beginning to see the results of my efforts. One thing that has really helped me is to take walks by myself at a park or outdoor recreation area and not think about anything, I just let my mind go and enjoy the beauty and serenity that is around me, I think of it as my walk with God. Let go of your insecurities and doubts, give them to God and let Him deal with your problems.<p>I have also quit worrying (as much as I can) about W and what she has done to me, the kids and the M. This wasn't easy to do, but I finally had to for my own sanity. I think it was Who that told me about the triangle and the significance it has, once I started applying this idea, it really helped me focus on what was important right now. It ain't an easy time for you right now, but trust me when I say it will get better. The first month after DDay was hell for me, but once I began to focus on changing me and let W find her own way, I began to find a great deal of peace within myself. <p>Hope this makes sense to you. Hang in there, stay strong and fight the good fight. You will make it through this.

Confused Guy,<p>I've read some of your posts - and your story sounds a little bit similar to mine. And it may be unfortunate, but I'll tell you what happened between us.<p>I don't want you to draw any direct parallels from my story to yours, though. We're all different people. Just take it for what it's worth.<p>My wife also is from another country. She also started to hang out with co-workers, and rather than invite me along, she just told me she wanted to have the freedom to develop "her own" friends, since most of our friends had been mine before we married.<p>Then in May she suddenly said she needed space and moved out. She felt her fun-loving nature was being stifled by my more serious, practical nature. Keep in mind, she's Brazilian, I'm american from a particularly quiet family. She denied the existance of an affair.<p>When she moved out, I did the majority of my mourning. I was like you. Not leaving the house much, being sad much of the time, etc.<p>At one point, after a couple months of this, I decided I would start living for me. I had always supported everything she did. And bailed her out of financial snafus. And paid for her career development. And supported her 100% in everything, sacrificing just about everything I liked to do - photography, racing, home improvement, you name it. For the first time in 8 years, I started accepting invitations I had once declined because W wasn't interested. I started doing things I couldn't before because I had been spending all my extra money on dining out with the wife. (She often demanded it and would get upset if I wanted to save money and fix something at home) I started working on the house. I took photography workshops.<p>I started to feel better. I started to enjoy my life again. Sure, I missed the sex. I missed her attention. But I really enjoyed being able to do what I liked to do.<p>Then she started calling more often, and that summer we worked on the relationship. Things seemed to be going well until a business trip of mine separated us for 3 weeks. She was planning to move back in as soon as I returned, but when I got back, she said it was over, and that she wanted a divorce.<p>That stung, but remember, I had done much of my mourning before. I knew I could live somewhat happily without her. And I could find much of what I had missed elsewhere. I started the divorce process as sort of a Plan B - you can call it hardball if you want, but I was serious. Things would have to be different if she wanted to return.<p>A few weeks later she indeed wanted to return, but not before she had gotten herself pregnant with OM. The OM scorned her, threatened her life if she ever tried to get child support from him, and pretty much shut her out of his life. Nice.<p>I went forward with the divorce. I just don't think I could ever trust her again. Resentment is a powerful LB. And I don't know if I'd ever be able to let that go. Plus it wouldn't be fair to the baby to have a dad that resented him.<p>Confused_Guy, you might ask how this is similar to your situation. Hopefully, not in too many ways, but I think the key here is that she never really realized what she had until she realized that not all guys are as stable and reliable as I am.<p>I was the only stable thing in her life. Actually, if I weren't such a stable footing for her, she might never have fooled around with anyone else. But I provided the security she needed to go out like a teenager and get into trouble. Like Daddy will always be there.<p>When she realized that I wasn't going to sit around and take her teenage behavior, I think she realized she might actually lose me. That's when she seemed to want me back. By then it was too late, though. She was already pregnant with another man's baby.<p>My advice to you is to get on with your own life. Live life for you. Do things you enjoy. Be aloof. Don't cry to her. Don't beg. Don't call WAY too often. Show her that you can have an exciting fulfilling life without her, and she'll probably be attracted by that. She might even want to be part of it again. It's called Plan A. And it sucks, until you realize that you're actually enjoying life.<p>Hopefully, there's a big difference between my wife and yours. My wife did a stupid, stupid, thing. Mine had a very broken, abusive childhood. My wife was utterly immature. She is still growing up. And she's still learning some of her lessons the hard way, even after 8 years of marriage.<p>Your wife may simply be dissatisfied. Find out what satisfies her. Open that account in the Love Bank. And start depositing. Start with yourself.

I appreciate all of the advice. The problem I am having is the love that I have for my wife. It is so hard for me to in a big way to let go of the situation and do things that I want to do in life. There was so much that I enjoyed doing and my wife was there with me doing it also.
I have started doing several small things that I never did because I was trying to meet the needs of my wife. I feel that for the last 8.5 years that I have wrapped up my entire life with my wife. I never had the urge or the desire to form other friends because I was happy with her by my side. I know everyone says even if she does leave me for good that I will survive. That probably is true but I don't want to experience the pain any more then what I have already. The pain is what hurts and for whatever reason I can't make it go away.
My wife has controlled everything in the past several weeks. She has affected me and my feelings. She is asking me not to talk with her parents which they know everything about what she has done. Her parents don't agree with her just running away and not trying. I have been blamed for my wife's problems so she wants to run from me. The counselor said my wife has problems that aren't related to me and she needs to fix them instead of running.
I feel so alone and hurting really bad on the inside. If you were to look at me you would say there is a normal looking guy. Physically I still have ten fingers and ten toes. But the inside is what hurts. It hurts bad.
I still can't come to the realization that a spouse can do this to someone they once said and showed they loved so much.
My wife will return on 1/2/02. I hope, pray and wish that she comes back wanting to work on the relationship. I have a gut feeling that won't happen from what she said to me on Christmas.
I truly wonder what I have done wrong in my life to deserve out of all people my wife hurting me like this.

Confused Guy--Well, remarkably, it sounds like the common theme re-emerging. It sucks, especially around holiday times when you know your WS is getting the best of both worlds.<p>I can't offer words on being patient,as I struggle daily, hourly, minutely with it. My situation is pretty similar, wife's in apt, I'm in House with S.<p>You're doing all you can. Keep busy, let it out if you have to. I don't know about you, but I'm not the crying type. However, the last month I've been the water-works poster child. That's ok and healthy.<p>But, keep busy. Keep working out, keep reading, keep improving self. Go out. I used to be a huge partier before I got married but like yourself, don't feel the need to go out a bunch. Take a detour from normalcy and go out this weekend. The weekends in the house alone only make you resent her more. <p>Don't know if you are a football fan or not or even in US but if so--it's BOWL time. If not, do anything that keeps you busy.<p>Hang tough--<p>Guido

Confused<p>I understand your pain, but remember you do not deserve this. Noone deserves to be hurt like this. Sure there are things that you may have done that helped the marriage get to a place that was not ideal, but that is not an excuse to have an affair rather than deal with the issues. <p>I will not tell you that the pain will go away, but I can tell you that you will get to a point where you know that regardless of the outcome you will be OK. There is a song that I heard a few weeks ago that talks of a person losing their husband and in the song it says something to the effect that the night he walked out the door she cried so many tears that it scared her and that there were so many dreams that she had to let go of. But later in the song she explains that she now sees that the world still turns and the sun still burns and that is what she has learned without him and for him not to think that she did not love him because she made it through the hurt but that she has learned to love herself without him. <p>That is what this is all about. We have to learn to love ourselves without the WS. Until then how can we ever expect them to love us again. Let go of the hurt and the anger and look deep inside of you and learn to love that. And the stuff you do not love, change. But do it for you. You may be surprised how quickly others see the changes when they are for you and you learn to love yourself. <p>I wish I could tell you that my WH is back, but he is a whole lot closer now than he was 9 months ago and I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I am learning to love myself and I know that I can make it on my own.<p>Hang in there and keep posting. There is so much caring and good advice here if you will just ask.