Married for 2 1/2 yrs. Going through some issues and we are getting separated. (even when I don't want to) We both work. We are going to seek counseling aft aft NYeve. <p>I am moving out to an apt. I don't mind paying for bills (house bills) but my W still want's me to pay for things that always said that were 'hers' (car insurance, car payments, horse, etc). Basically she want's me to pay for everything. I feel that what she wants is a paid vacation (again, she works and she makes good $).<p>What is the right and fair thing to do?<p> [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

If you are wanting to save your marriage, then moving out is a very bad idea. It will decrease the likely hood that you will repair your marriage. Do you and your wife own the home you are moving out of? If it is your wife who wants the separation then why is she not moving out? Your moving out certainly does make it easier for her. But it seems to be causing you some resentment.<p>Do you have any children? If so do not move out and leave them with her. Once you move out it will look like you have abandoned your wife and your children. It does not matter that you have a verbal agreement.<p>As for who pays what bills. The way the courts do it is that you both list your incomes and your bills. All bills are paid of out income and then you 50/50 what ever is left over. You are both responsible for all community debts and bills. That includes her car and insurance. But she is also responsible for the payment on our car and you insurance.<p>Do you make more then she does? If so you will pay more towards bills until your divorce is final.<p>What are your marital issues and problems? Perhaps we could help you here. You may want to read the books “His Needs, Her Needs” and “Love Busters”. If either of you are having an affair or looks like things may be headed that way, you may want to read Surviving an Affair. I believe that the SAA book as a lot for people whose marriages have not gone down that road. It’s a very god read.

Thanks for the reply<p>Here is the story:<p>We do not have children. Right now we are living with her grandmother (since we were just about to start building our house I must say I was convinced to move in there in order to save some money. we had everything ready, permits, floorplans, etc).

It just happened with no apparent reason, no warning, no nothing. 4 weeks ago I was on a busns trip and I called home and she was not there, she finally called me at 4:30 am telling me that she was out drinking with some of her old friends. I got mad since she never told me she was going out, she never called me and I was worried and honestly upset since she had never done that before.<p>After coming back from my trip things got worse. She started going out everynight. After work (we work for the same company, and to answer your question, I do make more $) she would tell me that she would be going to a friends house and then she would not come back until late (any time between 1:30 am and 4:30 am) <p>The first few times I got angry but then after talking she told me that her mother told her that she had seen that our relationship got dull (and I agree) That I was depressed, etc. etc.<p>To make this long story short, the first 2 weeks she went out every night but at least she came back home. for the last week she does not even come back home anymore, she tells me that she can't be there with me. <p>She blames me for the dullness of our relationship and she says she wants to have fun and to be free, etc, etc<p>she finally accepted on going to counseling (but after the holidays... since she does not have time now.. she is too busy having fun)<p>She is basically forcing me out. she tells me that if I don't move out then she will not go to counseling.<p>All I keep telling her is that I am sorry for whatever happened (since she blames me for everything and the only thing she keeps on doing is trying to humiliate me in any way possible)and that I Love her and I want to work things out. <p>Then she tells me that I should pay for everything, even for the things that I never paid for (in agreement). and I feel used. <p>Do I have any chance / Hope. What is the fair thing to do

Hello salasad,<p>Welcome to the MB forum. First, yes there is hope. However, this is going to take some time, so don't look for a quick fix. Try to be patient and don't rush into major decisions. Until your situation is resolved, put off moving ahead with the house. It's too big a committment during this shakey time in your M. In addition, building a house is a major stress on a M under the best of circumstances.<p>It is hard to tell from your description of your W's behavior whether there is an affair in progress or not. In any case, her behavior is inappropriate and very destructive to your M.<p>One important thing that we do here at MB is look at our own behavior and attitudes and take responsibility for our contribution to any problems in our M. Have your done this?<p>Have you read the section about emotional needs on the main MB web site? I suggest that you do this right away. If your W is receptive, share the questionnaire with her. This is a very specific survey. Her statements to you sound too vague to be much help to you in meeting her needs.<p>You are in a position living with W's grandmother that puts you at a disadvantage. It's not like you can tell her to move out. If you do move out, don't do so until you have a fair financial plan on paper. Why don't you follow the format zorweb wrote about? <p>Sadly, you have to protect yourself. Do not believe anything your W tells you right now. Do not take chances. It certainly will not hurt to consult your own attorney right away.<p>Yes, there is hope. But first, your W has to work through the causes of her immature and damaging behavior. IF she is willing to stop this behavior and stop it soon, then MB can be a great help in building a stronger relationship. If she is not willing to change, there are lots of people here who will be a sounding board for you as you deal with your feelings.<p>Hoping for the best,
Estes

Thank you VERY much for taking the time to give me your advice.<p>I will keep reading/learning and hoping for the best <p>Right after this mess began I started to wonder 'why', 'what did I do wrong', etc, etc. and I know that the main reason was emotional fulfilment (from both sides). <p>One question though. How would I know if she is having an 'emotional affair'? Chances are that she is since I have noticed that she blames me for not being like some of her male friends (and sad to say.. the comparison relates 90% to material things, although I know that the main reason for our marriage becoming 'dull' was emotional - from both sides).<p>I also know (since I asked her and she finally told me) that some of the days that she did not come back home she stayed at one of her male friend's. (house sitting)<p>She tells me that she is not having any type of affair, and I truly believe her (Am I fooling myself?)<p>To keep things worse she has been expending lots of $ without letting me know (we had an agreement that if we wanted to buy something with a value of more than $200 we would consult each other before buying it, and honestly we kept our word until this mess started). <p>I have not asked her about the $ though, I am hoping she will tell me (and besides, it is just $)<p>One last thing.. She tells me that one of the reasons why she wants to get separated is for her to be able to 'find' how it feels to be without me, to be able to date, etc, etc,. How should I react? <p>I am willing to work things out but she it seems that she doesn't want to give me.. to give US a chance and I am VERY afraid that the counselor is just going to tell us what we WANT to hear and not what we NEED to hear.<p>Again, any info/advice/comment on what to do would be greatly appreciated. Help!<p>D.

Salasad:<p>Your W's responses to you are typical for spouses who are embroiled in an A (affair), whether it is an emotional affair (EA) or physical affair (PA). You are right to point out that you are responsible for the deterioration of your relationship, but so is your W. However, your W is solely responsible for her own behavior.<p>My W was involved in EA and 3 months ago said she did not love me anymore, wanted a separation to "figure things out" and see what it would be like without me. She absolutely denied the existence of OM (another male), but I soon discovered (with a little snooping) that OM did exist. The reason the WS (wayward spouse) wants a separation, is not to "figure things out," but to make more time for the OP (other person).<p>As stated by a previous poster, do not believe what she is telling you, whether it is blaming you for all the problems in your M, or that she is not involved in A. The lying, even if you totally trusted her in the past, is pervasive and usually does not end until the cheating spouse is confronted with hard evidence (even then they will likely continue lying).<p>I hate to be so matter-of-fact about this, but knowing what you are faced with is necessary to understand what choices you have and what action is appropriate for you. Continue reading the articles and posts on this site and I would suggest trying to find out what is really going on. Your wife is not likely to tell you. What you will discover is likely to be very painful so please continue posting here for support.

Thanks RJB2.<p>I can relate to your situation and as you said I will try to find out what is really going on, reading, etc.<p>Shoud I confront her (the EA) or should I take some other avenue? Should I stick with plan A?<p>Thanks D.