Hi miserynmissouri,<p>"I wonder if there is some kind of construction course you can take? ... He has a little bit more to stud and then put the skylights in and the side window. He has the electrical work to put in and the insulation. One of the attic spaces still needs the floor boards and wall boards put up. "<p>Home improvement projects are one of my favorite hobbies. It sounds like your projects might be doable for you. There are lots of online resources such as:
www.pbs.org/wgbh/thisoldhouse
www.hometime.com<p>Are the skylights and windows boarded up now so rain doesn't get in? <p>If you have the window, putting that in is pretty easy if you have another person to hold it in place while you make it level and vertical. Then it is just a case of using wedge shaped shims (which cost a dollar or two) in from each side to align the window and then nail the outside brackets to the outside wall.<p>www.hometime.com]www.hometime.com]www.hometime.com has good directions which may encourage you.<p>You may be suprised how easy a lot of it is - especially if you ask questions in the forum which is at www.hometime.com/projects/forum/forum.htm .<p>It might be a good activity to keep busy and the sense of accomplishment is wonderful - especially now.<p>Prayers and peace...<p>[ December 29, 2001: Message edited by: Not in my world... ]</p>

Thanks for the sites. No the windows aren't in yet. That is what he was going to start next. We have the windows tho.<p>The windows haven't been framed yet and he hasn't made the holes in the roof. <p>I had to talk to him this morning about some financial issues--another creditor calling. He is so cold and remote now. Doesn't seem like it is the same man I was married to. He said he is flying home today to his apartment (and OW)--it makes me sick.<p>If I even had someone who knew a little about construction...I would do it. It really would be an esteem builder for me. And it would be great to show him that life goes on here too. I will check out the sites and see what I can learn. Thanks for the help and encouragement.

Hi MnM I'm sorry that you are having such a dificult time. I know it's hard especially through the holidays. I think of you often and hope it helps in some small way to know that you are thought of and prayed for. <p>I know that 2002 it will be better for you. It's obvious that your H has no conscience. Time heals. Try the St.John's Wort I used that a few years ago and it really did work. Please keep us posted.
Hugs and prayers,
C

Thanks for the post, Cybil....it does help to know people care and understand.<p>I talked to my H today. He was still in SC taking care of his folks at my BIL's house. We spoke for a few minutes and he was cold and detached.
My BIL called this afternoon and said he and H were trying to figure out our finances. We are so far indebt--it is really scary. Looks like H will be furloughed as of the end of Jan or Feb. Not much time. They want to refinance our 2 homes and take the equity and pay off debts. I guess that will be ok. He is determined to go through with the divorce. H. told my BILtthat he wants to make it so we don't have too much lower a standard of living. He is just head over heals in love with this girl. Unreal. He told BIL that he will give up everything as long as he can still see the kids. (I wonder if that is why he wrote such a horrible divorce decree?) <p>I got the mail and my lawyer charged me another $1400 for nothing practically. I have spent $3000 on this so far. It is ridiculous. <p>I took the kids up to KC to shop. They each got some money from their grandmother. I dropped the kids off--took a deep breath and looked for my H's apt. I have a stack of bills to give him. I was really hoping she would be home--but she wasn't there. I wanted to meet her. I know he has filled her with all sorts of lies. I just wanted her to see me...do you think that was stupid? I feel desparate at this point. Our lives really are horrible right now. Anyway, they weren't there, so I brought the bills to the main office and gave them to the office to give to H. Hope that works out ok. Probably a dumb idea. Oh well.<p>I then went shopping with the kids...I tell you what--it wasn't fun. The kids are used to really shopping when we go. There isn't much in our town, so usually when we go up there, we spend a lot. Not anymore.<p>My BIL got upset with me today, because I got emotional. He really feels that I can't change what has happened and it is time for me to move on. There is just nothing to move on too. It looks pretty bleak. I asked my BIL how he can take 5 days off of work to help his mom and dad and yet abandon his own family. My BIL couldn't answer. He got frustrated with me on some of those type questions. I wish I could contain my emotions better. I don't know how they think I could be just over this. My heart is really breaking. Forgot to take that ST. John's Wort today--am going to go take one now. God, I just want this family to go back to normal. This is horrible. I hate it!!!

MnM,<p>You can do the home improvement things, specially if the stuff is all bought. Can't find a D boyfriend to do it, try it as a group thing, you and daughter could scope out what needs to be done through the sites that were listed, make out a plan of what needs to be done and how to meet those goals and then get a bunch of kids together, have another mom in charge of refreshments, feed them well they will work!!!<p>OR<p>Try the Vo tech school and see if there are some students there that might do the work really cheap or work for food or groceries or gas money or gift cards from Wal-mart as that is all that is in Warrensburg. You've always got the college student base too. A Frat house may be a good place to look.<p>When do you head back to school? We go back the 3rd UGH!!! The teacher I work for will be back (I hope) from 6 weeks of leave, the other aide is going to be out for 6 weeks, there will a sub the same as the one for the teacher and we have a brand new aide starting, she just graduated with her degree. Will be an interesting day.<p>MnM,<p>You say you want your family to get back to normal, are you sure? I know that the financial part is killing you right now, but do you really want to go back to what it was, the disrespect the belittling? Probably not, you are doing such a good job moving forward in your life, you and the kids are doing great, remember that please!!Forget the in laws, I am sorry they are treating you this way, but probably just want what is best for you and your kids and know that that is not there son or brother, there is probably some shame inolved there. I know that my FIL apologised to me Christmas eve day for what his son is doing, that he never expected this from that child.<p>Stop beating yourself up over this, it wasn't your fault!!! You did the best that you could, more then what you should've had to. It's hard to have given so much of yourself and your life to someone thinking that they were committed in the same way as you,. I know that I fell that I so wasted 20+ years of life as my WH went back to the HS girlfriend, so what was I? I was the one that got him through his career and she will be there when he retires! UGH!!!!!<p>I must go, take care keep in touch please!!
Dawn

Thanks Dawn,<p>I missed your posts. How did your visit with H. go? I have been thinking of you. <p>How could they do this to women who have supported their military career. It is amazing to me. It is so sad.<p>I do feel let down. I feel like I have just been thrown away. IT is not a good feeling. I have been trying to get out and do stuff--but I am juist miserable. How do you get rid of those feelings? When does the pain lesson. Everything I do reminds me of us and our family. It is really killing me.<p>I bought my two youngest kids skates tonight. Tomorrow we will try to skate on the pond. The ice has been getting pretty thick. Hope it is ready--I think it will do me good to get outside and get some exercise. It is fun too. I wish we had snow. Last year we had about 3 weeks where we could go out on the pond and cross country ski and Ice skate. It was great. We haven't had any snow yet tho. <p>Your H retirement is coming up isn't it? You are going to go...aren't you. I would. You deserve the recognition.<p>I bought a neat picture holder today. It is silver and the outside is engraved and says "Our Family". I thought I would take pictures of our relationship through last February and then give it to my H as a Christmas present. Would that be an LB? They both need to see what they are destroying. What do you think?

MnM,<p>I posted while H was here, they are out there so went go over that again. Went ok! Am waiting for the phone call or e mail that blast me, as we didn't talk about D at all. Decided that I am not going to sign anything at this time.<p>He left Thurs, am not sure if that was weather related, or the fact that he didn't want to be around for my parent' 40th and the party, or OW was flying into Utah to spend time with him. (He used my computer and there is an email titled "see you soon", I can't open it or see who it was from) I should've installed one of those keystroke devices, was so hurt that he used my computer for that, bad enough that he left to get cappuciano daily (for us) and called her.<p>No he can't retire til 8/03. Am not sure where I will be then. The people that know me and know what I did for WH career have reconized me over the years with plaques and certificates everytime we PCS'd. That was nice, I have most of them hanging up here.<p>We had a candle that we lite every day that WH was here, it was our family candle. Put it away yesterday.<p>I would send the picture frame and make sure that there is one or two that include you. Yes it would pobably been seen as a LB, but does that matter now? I put photo albums together for WH before we moved, made sure to include a baby picture of him with each of the kids. Never even thanked me for it. Did take digitals of WH and kids while he was here and sent them to his account for him, then he took a picture of me and the kids, but really avoided the "us" picture thing. I think I will send a picture each week of family doing things together, will rock his boat a little.<p>I don't feel thrown away I wont let him have that much control over me, it is really him that is the louser here, not me or his kids. This was a choice that he made, not to be with me and his family. I can't do anything about that but pickup my life up and go on and come out a better person.<p>Dawn

Thanks Dawn,<p>I'll look up your posts...I saw a couple...but didn't know how it went when he left.<p>Can't believe he used your computer to email her. My H. did that with one of his affairs...he may have done it with this one too...who knows?
How dumb tho.<p>You sound so strong now...I need to get back to that point too. Christmas really got to me---probably because he got the kids for those few days...really got me down.<p>I don't know why I am in such a funk? I don't want this new H back...but I wouldn't mind everyday life for awhile. It is hard being around my friends and their H and kids. Makes me miss mine all the more.<p>Ok....I need to move on for me...move on, move on, move on. If I could just get the flashbacks and soundtracks out of my head. Maybe a lobotomy would help. I guess school will do it [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

MnM,<p>Where is it exactly that you live? I assume it is outside of town the way you talk about your pond and skating.<p>My best friend and her family stopped here yesterday, it was so fun seeing them, she helped so much with my parents party. It was hard though as we use to do a lot of couple stuff together when at Whiteman.<p>You will get strong again, it is hared through the holidays. My WH hasn't taken my kids yet, that is going to hurt bad I know, so far he has come here to see them, My two older ones say that they won't have anything to do with dad when with the OW, the yougest doesn't know about the OW. Let's not go the lobotmy route ok?<p>Dawn

We live in town. Just have a little pond in the back yard.<p>I think the visitation thing is the eye-opener of what our future will be like. I can't believe he had the kids call her to tell her thanks for the presents. He knows how I feel about that--obviously, it doesn't matter to him or her tho. <p>I hate the thoughts of the divorce going through--and then he will always be able to bring her into their lives. He has been waiting to do that since May. Disgusting. I can't believe him. How could he do that.<p>My older kids also don't want to have anything to do with her. Actually, my 10 year old too. But, if he buys them enough stuff and entertains them enough. They don't have to do any chores there--they stay up late, he takes them places....I don't....I hate the thought of my kids being up there with her. They are our kids...it totally gives me the creeps. I know in the long run, they need to have a relationship with their dad--but, boy does it hurt. He left us, he lied and cheated, and was caught in lies with the kids....why does he want them now? Why doesn't he want us?

Dear MnM, After reading your post and its responses, I am amazed at what you've had to endure. However, I do sense your strength of character and that is what you need right now. Don't underestimate how much you've been able to endure in light of the pain that has gone with it. <p>This is by no means, "over". My personal opinion is that it has just begun. However, the situation your H has left you in requires incredible perseverance and faith both of which you can only find from your children right now. I pray that God gives you what you need to continue this very painful journey.

Thanks Terrified,<p>I wish I could feel some hope. He did write tonight--first about the situation with his parents. He said he cooked enough meals for them to have until his other brother arrives on the 7th...Hmmmm. Wish he would come home and do some meals for us. I am tired of doing this all by myself.<p>He apologized for not buying jeans for my son when he was up there. (I went up there to buy him some today. He is growing so tall so quickly--he is only in 2nd grade and is as tall as many of my 6th graders!)<p>He also said I did a good job with the kids with Christmas---sounded a little patronizing--but it was meant to be friendly, I think.<p>He mentioned the lights on the house--and of course mentioned the stupid wreath that we couldn't get up because we couldn't get the lights to work. We tried to get it to work for days too---it has always been a nightmare. That is when he used to cuss the most [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>He wrote about a half hour later about the finances-saying we have to do something now--or we will lose both houses. Not a comforting thought.<p>Why doesn't he see what he is doing? I know he misses us. I know he is in love with her--but he misses us. <p>Bothers me that he ends all of his emails with Thanks. It sounds so cold. I have been writing love when I write him.<p>I am not supposed to be writing him at all. My lawyer would be furious. We have only talked about the kids and finances tho. I don't know how you get through this without talking. I guess if you had the urge to kill someone in court you could do that. I still love him--I don't know why, but I do. I guess I just can't give up. We have shared too much. And we have 4 kids to raise. I think what he has done is horrendous. Especially knowing the devastation it causes. I don't know if there is hope--but I still want to believe in a better future for us.

Hi MnM, Whenever I feel hopeless, I re-read Lostva's story. I'm not sure all of our stories will have the same happy ending but her details also pointed in the other direction. I believe that she could be a role model for Plan A if there can be such a thing. <p>You have pulled your family through the most emotional and sentimental of holidays ON YOUR OWN. Believe in yourself and people will follow eventually.<p>Don't look back or behind you...just look forward. Do what you must do and if you are forced to for now, do it on your own.<p>I have a crazy habit of victimizing myself. MB'ers have reminded me that this doesn nothing to improve my situation so...believe and be strong.<p>Hugs

Hi MNM,<p>I just went through and re-read your thread. My heart breaks for you it truly does. First to help get you out of this funk take the St.John's Wort but you need to be consistent. Also do you take vitamins? If not start taking a good multi-vitamin daily. I know how hard this has been and still is emotionally. You have got to keep yourself healthy. Think of all the things that you have been through and how far you've come.
You are an amazing, stong, independent woman. I know that it's hard for you to see that now but it's true. You have the children not your H they love you and are devoted to you. You are working and even though you are under tremendous emotional stress you have managed to keep your job, keep up with the kids activities and managed your household. You're also still sane after all this (I know you're probably thinking yeah barely), but you are. You are not even taking meds. Considering all you've been through you are doing remarkably well, maybe not financially but everyone going through this is having that same hardship. I know that the new year will be full of promise for you. Dont sell yourself short. I am so very proud of you. You've come so far. Now look ahead to your future and don't look back! Happy New Year to you .
Love and prayers,
C

Thanks Terrified and Cybil,<p>I have been "victimizing" myself. Gosh it is hard tho. You know, you work so hard for so many years to try to get to an easier time...and then wham--I know I need to look forward, but I miss so much and I am losing so much.<p>I can't imagine starting over with someone else. I really have aged this year...I never thought so before--but I look at myself and feel much older now.<p>I don't feel good about starting over at this age.....I just thought things would be different. <p>I am starting the St. John's Wart today and will try to be consistent with it. I am also starting to take vitimans again. <p>We are going ice-skating today--the ice is finally thick enough and the kids are excited. It will be fun. It is cold here today tho. It will be good for me to get outside and clear my head.<p>I appreciate your caring and support. I wish I felt more independent......I feel more like an emotional basketcase right now. It will be good for me to get back to work--I don't have time to think then. I will continue praying for some direction in my life. I would like a little respite from this pain. Have a good day everyone--will check in later tonight.

MnM,<p>How was the skating today?<p>We went to a wedding reception for my best friend from HS daughter, they are so young! It was nice as I got to visit with some people I haven't seen for years!<p>Dawn