My husband and I have each entered several posts tonight, they are all based on the same topic-ZERO CONTACT-(he is 2 soulmates by the way). I feel I deserve to have him cut off non-work contact with the OW. It bothers me that he continues and sees nothing wrong with it. It hurts a lot and he knows it does. He has said that it really is no big deal to him if he has contact or not but refuses to end it entirely. He feels that it is unfair for me to be the only one to get what I want out of this and that if I can't get past this one point and refuse to allow our marriage to go on as long as there is a reltionship with the OW the I am the one who ended our marriage. One thing that he keeps saying is that he wants to be with me and work on us but conversations like this make him want it less and less. I am so hurt by all this, it just seems to go on and on.<P>------------------<BR>NICOLE<P><p>[This message has been edited by untallnikba (edited November 11, 1999).]

Go read my response to him.<P>I agree with you...and I was the betrayer, who also happens to work with the OM.<P><B>NO NON-WORK CONTACT</B>.<P><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

Thanks I did already. It doesn't seem to matter what anybody says. He is very stubborn on this one point and refuses to give it up.

Hi untallnikba. I'm going through a very similar situation. My wife had an EA and refused to stop contact. This went on for two months.<P>Just had a conversation last night where she STILL doesn't seem to understand how terrible this has been for me.<P>A coupld of weeks ago I did the Plan B thing and sent her packing since she refused to give up contact. She was gone one day and said it dawned on her she wanted to be back with me.<P>But still, there's no trust on my side. The only reason she's back is because this guy spurned her. But she told me she had fallen in love with him and left me on two occasions to "figure out her feelings."<P>I don't know what to say other than this sucks and sucks mightily. I'm not sure if W is really serious about staying with me. She indicated if OM had fully returned her feelings she'd probably be gone.<P>How is that supposed make a person feel?<BR>

Jeez!<P>I'm really tempted to say "ultimatum time" but that probably wouldn't solve anything. What is it about these men that makes them think they can carry on two intimate relationships at the same time? And why do they think it's "okay" when it's obviously driving you to despair? What happened to taking your spouse's feelings into account and putting her above all others?<P>Can you get him into counselling?

I'm so sorry. We've all tried to tell him the truth. A truth that he's not ready to see yet, because he's not ready to commit only to you and your marriage yet.<P>It is an addiction. It is withdrawal. And it stinks. His angry words to you that your requesting he limit his contact to business only is unfair to him is just justification to continue this relationship. <P>Think about it. If he heard someone saying the things he's saying "why do things have to go YOUR way if I say I'm gonna try", he wouldn't believe they were committed either.<P>I don't know what to tell you to do. Continuing personal contact with the OW is NOT trying, no matter how he tried to justify it. <P>It's your call now. How much can you take? Can you stay with him, hoping to wait it out, knowing he's not willing or able to give as much as he can? Hard decisions to make. It IS possible. But so much harder and like someone said on his thread, the chances of success drop dramatically.<P>Hugs and prayers to you.<P>Lori<P>And Yes, 2S, I hope you're reading her threads as well.

untallnikba, I fail to understand how your H can see this as "no big deal" when he's ADMITTED RIGHT HERE that he's in love with this woman, and calls himself "2 soulmates".<P>Listen, 2S, are you reading this? Are you that big a lunkhead? You're killing your wife emotionally. Is that what you want to do? Or are you just looking for an excuse to leave your wife for OW? <P>Wake up and smell the coffee, pal. You have a wife who's willing to forgive and move on...IF you devote your attentions to her and her alone; NOT insist that she share you with another woman.<P>Some women would have thrown you out on your *ss. <P>I'm sorry if this is abrasive, but I'm reading both your posts, and 2S has received a lot of good, and CONSISTENT advice. <P>Sounds like 2S is going to continue justifying himself until someone tells him he's right.<P>Sorry. This utter blindness to one's spouse's pain is just ticking me off royally.

Hey! At least I can't say you guys aren't being open and up front , eh? I do read my wifes threads Lotsva and I do understand what you guys are all saying. It just has been very difficult for me as well. No, I dont think it is any easier on my wife. I am the one who blew it. I know this. I am definitely not looking for someone to sympathize with me either. "Lunkhead"? C'mon now, I may be completely stubborn sometimes, but I do really love my wife and I am trying to be what she needs me to be. Look for my new post, it may shed some light on things from today.<P>------------------<BR>We stumble and fall sometimes, and that hurts. But it is the most incredible realization when you look and see that it was your spouse that picked you back up......<P>Take care of and Love each other.....Arik<P><BR>