My wife and I have been having serious problems for a month now, starting with her saying she was unhappy, then that she was unhappy for the past year, and that she loved me, just not "in-love" with me. She was wanting a divorce ASAP as of a couple days ago, now she has had a slight change of mind. I found out she was having an affair (she finally told me), and she said she didn't feel like living anymore, as she had betrayed me and her son. (2 yrs. old) I am giving her another chance, as everyone seems to agree, if she was getting what she needed at home, she wouldn't have went there. She did mention that she had been depressed this past year, and that had a lot to do with it. Here are my questions: The night I took her back, it was like we were "dating" again. She would hug me, kiss me, and tell me that she had missed me (and that she loved me). And last nite was the same way. Today she tells me she misses him, and she can't stop thinking about him. I gave her some conditions for me to take her back, like she would have ZERO contact with him, and I would need to know where she was, where she was going, and when she would be home. I think the whole trust issue has me confused, but I suppose that comes back in time? We have been married almost 3 years, and she's known him for a month, can she be in love with him? Or is this rnormal, and will fade in time? I don't understand how things can ever be mended, if he's always on her mind? Please shed some light on this.

Get and read the book Surviving an Affair (from this website). Actually you should both read it. It will describe her symptoms to a "T" <p>She is in withdrawl. Help her through it and help her work through the issues. She has to do the work but you can support her.<p>Good luck

Confused,<p>Let me just clue you in on a little something that I think you're missing....<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>My wife and I have been having serious problems for a month now <hr></blockquote><p>NO WAY!!! Your serious problems have been going on for some time, you just didn't know it. That doesn't mean they weren't there.<p>Second, from the "tone" of your post (I know it's hard to tell from the written word, so if I'm wrong, let me apologize in advance) it sounds almost as if you're PUNISHING your W for her actions. If you want to keep your wife, and to fix your marriage - you'd better not go there. What she needs right now, is a safe environment to which to come back and sort things out.<p>Next, don't kid yourself into thinking this is a quick fix. It's not. There are probably deep issues that neither of you have even considered. I'd advise you to (as stated above) get and read SAA, and then look inside of yourself for YOUR PART in the marital troubles, then ask your wife what your part is/was. Check out the emotional and love buster questionaires in the questionaires page from the link at the top of the home page.<p>Finally, what she's going through is called withdrawl. She WILL suffer from it, and depending upon the emotional connection between them, it could last weeks, or months.<p>Good luck. Come here often to post, or just learn.<p>God bless,
Kev

>>NO WAY!!! Your serious problems have >>been going on for some time, you just didn't >>know it. That doesn't mean they weren't there.<p>Agreed, both of us looking back on things, realize we had problems all along, mostly in the last year or so. I had meant to say, or should have said the problems came to a head a month ago.<p>>>Check out the emotional and love buster >>questionaires in the questionaires page from >>the link at the top of the home page.<p>We did the emotional questionaire last nite. Seems we were lacking in a bunch of things, #1 Affection. About the punishing thing, I really do not know how to act. Is it wrong for me to question where she is at, and be upset when she is late? Or should I act as though everything is ok? I have a hard time with the trust issue. Read on for more on that.<p>>>Finally, what she's going through is called >>withdrawl. She WILL suffer from it, and >>depending upon the emotional connection between >>them, it could last weeks, or months.<p>This had me concerned, but reading through this site, I understand it is normal. <p>Here is my BIG problem, my wife manages a cellular store at our local mall. The problem is that the OM also works at the mall, as a maintenance person. I do know he works outside, and not inside this time of year, BUT. She has mentioned getting a new job, but we are in difficult financial times now, and her quitting that one would bury us, also this time of year, there isn't much open.<p>>>Good luck. Come here often to post, or just >>learn.<p>>>God bless,
>>Kev[/QB][/QUOTE]<p>Thanx all!

confused,<p>I would venture to guess that since she has only known this guy for a month that it will take very little time for her to get over him. She can't possibly be "in-love" with him because she doesn't know him. This is more like an teen-age girl's infatuation. Easy come, easy go.<p>That being said, it is somewhat alarming that she could fall for a guy so quickly and give into such immature feelings at the risk of the destruction of her marriage. That tells me that there are some serious maturity issues in addition to already existing maritial problems. <p>As for the trust issue, it will take her a long time to prove herself to you and you would be crazy to show trust to an untrustworthy person. You are reacting as any normal person would when they are betrayed. She can help you get over this - and it is HER responsibility to rebuild what she has destroyed! - by being an OPEN BOOK. She should give you cell phone passwords, computer passwords and account for every minute of her time. She should call and check in with you several times during the day. <p>Don't let her make you feel guilty because you don't trust her - of course you don't trust an untrustworthy person - you are not insane.<p>[ December 30, 2001: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</p>

Dear Confused,<p>I might be able to shed a bit of light from your wife's perspective. Ummmm, I was the WS in our situation, however, it had been after years of distancing, and temper and anger from my H... anyway, we have been in couselling, he is really working on his anger and I am slowly falling back inlove with him. He is becoming a 'safer' place for me.<p>I highly recommend some counselling and reading some books, they have helped us tremondously. One thing, your wife WILL resent you checking on her every move.... she should be the one to volunteer the info...don't smother her.... <p>I'd write more, but my computer is acting up....please let me know if i can help.....