I need some help or advice or anything that can clear up this mess. I've read everything on this site and it has helped some. I also printed it out so my H can read it also. He hasn't finished reading it yet. <p>H left me last week - left a note on the table!!! After being together for 18 yrs. and married for 14 yrs.Said he couldn't face me. 2nd marriage for both of us. H has 2 adult girls, I have 2 adult boys. H is having mid-life crisis - and is regretting not being around when his kids were growing up because of his X giving him so much trouble, he chose to stay away altogether. He is feeling lots of guilt over this. However, his youngest girl, who is 22 yrs has always interferred with our marriage since we've been together. She hates me and the feeling is mutual.Her mother "dumped" her on our doorstep about 7 years ago and said she didn't want her anymore. We tried to make it work out the best we could but she did everything in her power to make my life hell. She almost burned the house down among other things. Anyway, for some reason, she feels that "I" treated her badly while she was staying with us. (she was only there for 3 months, her mother took her back because she wanted the child support)
He left me last year for the same reason - he says he wants his family back and that he has given up everything and everyone for me and now he regrets it. I sought counseling - he wouldn't go. We seemed to have things worked out. I made compromises that he agreed with and now he's changed his mind and says that I didn't compromise enough. He wants his children to be able to come to our house and have me act as if we are one big happy family. NOT!!!!! Counselor said I should leave or go in the other room while they are visiting because they are coming to see him and not me and that it is his responsibility to form the relationship with his children not mine. He says the counselor is wrong! Now the youngest daughter won't come to our home because she hates me that much and he feels like I'm taking him away from her! I have NEVER said a word to him that he couldn't visit his children. In fact, I encouraged it but he never chose to do it. He always says that if "I" hadn't treated her so badly when she was staying with us that she wouldn't hate me so much. He is totally blind when it comes to her. He can't see that she was a problem at all when she lived with us.
So now he is feeling suicidal because he wants both me and his kids and knows that he can't have everything his way. I keep telling him to go get help but he won't do it. Also, he can't seem to get it in his head that we are never going to be one big happy family. He's been seeing his daughter every other day since he's been gone and she's as happy as can be now that she has her "daddy" back. She blames me for him not seeing her - when actually it has been his choice all along!! He doesn't have enough guts to tell her the truth - so she continues to blame me for it.
I spent Christmas by myself - visited my kids and came home to an empty house - he didn't even call to say Merry Christmas or buy me a gift.
I want to save our marriage but since this is the 3rd time he's done this - I don't think I could trust him anymore. I would always be wondering if there was going to be a note left on the table when I came home from work everyday. Should I just give up and go on with my life. I've done it before -and I have enough confidence in myself to do it again.
Does anyone else have a problem with their adult stepchildren interferring with their marriage? Or any advise???? Should I call his daughter and tell her what is going on with him? ugh! His kids do not realize how much pain he's in right now. How can I convince him that he needs help that I can't give him????
Any advise would help - sorry for such a long post!

<p>[ December 29, 2001: Message edited by: honey ]</p>

Hi, Painter,
I would like to respond to your thread since we have similar time lines and lives.<p>We have been M 20+ years. My WH left me with a note, too!! Gutless, eh?? My WH left to go live w/old g/f, which his bro and sis (and spouses) encouraged him to do. His one son (from previous M is totally detached from everyone, since we - WH and I - will not give him money (he's 35!!), other one is ambivilant, tells me he "loves me, but he IS his dad..."). His FOO, - bro, SIL, and sis and dad, all hate me (actually HATED anyone he has ever been with, but he hasn't figured that out yet!), so when they encouraged this, he fell for it, hook, line, and sinker. <p>You made an interesting point, said "H couldn't face me..." I got the same comment. We are SUCH wenches, aren't we! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Obviously (to me!) your H needs to get his priorities straight! He can love his children, and all that, but YOU ARE HIS W!!! The way he's talking, "...he has given up everything and everyone for me and now he regrets it..."
sounds so much like my H's family telling him I was "NO GOOD" for him....hmmm, funny, I was OK with HIM for 22 years!! I believe MLC makes them "hear" and "think" strange things.<p>As far as your "compromises" - I wouldn't do that anymore. If you are willing to be "civil" and "polite" to his children when they are in your home, I think you've made plenty of compromises. It's up to HIM to figure out that YOU ARE HIS W, and YOU are to come before his children. I don't necessarily believe that to be the case when children are small, but these are GROWN children! I never interferred with my H and his sons, and I always welcomed them into my home. HOWEVER, I had RULES. I expected them to respect ME and our home, and NOT go behind my back w/my H. Fortunately, they respected that, and me, and it turned out that they usually would come to ME instead of dad if they got into trouble!! It helped that my H also was glad to have them in our home (he had NO relationship with them prior to my arranging it, due to his LACK of initiation).<p>I don't agree with counselor that you should leave the room. I DO, however, think you need to learn to get along with Step-D. After all, she IS his D and she is NOT going to go away!! Previous W, you don't have to deal with, BUT children? Well, I see that as "part of the package," and should be accepted as such. If she is a WITCH to you, he should see it, recognize it, and fix it. If he won't, well, then I think you and HE need to negotiate this point. You are not going to get around this one without counseling. I'm sorry, I don't have any better advice, but if he's willing to work on his M, then he's GOT to get to the point where he sees that his d is destroying his M, not you, BUT you can't tell him that! He won't hear it from you.<p>You DID NOT spend Christmas "by yourself" - you visited your own children. I hate to throw cold water on your pity party, dear lady, BUT, I have NO children of my own. I always treated my H's kids as mine, but they ARE his kids....and during this separation, that became painfully obvious. My stepsons, nor my H called ME, or bought a gift.

So, after all I've said, I DO have one more point: I think at this point, there is nothing you CAN do except go on with your life. If your H gets to the point where he wants to work on his M with you, then you've got to set up some guidelines, as I've said. You've got to let him know you are certainly willing to welcome his children into your home, BUT they've got to show you some respect. He's got to see where they are not, so HE can set the guidelines.<p>I would NOT call this girl. She's "got it all" right now, and not interested in your pain, nor her father's, apparently. She's quite selfish, and young. She'll grow out of this, eventually, but for now she's living out all of her frustration from not seeing her dad all those years. All those years of her mother probably "poisoning" her against her dad (maybe even YOU), so she's now taking advantage of being able to "pay him back."<p>When she's "sucked him dry for money" and he's coming to his senses, you two will have an opportunity to fix this. In the meantime, I think you need to work on your feelings for his d. I don't think it's healthy, or good for your M to feel as strongly as you do against her. I understand I don't know all she did when she was in your home, BUT it is past, and won't help you now to hang onto it.<p>As usual, Lupolady has written a NOVEL!! I'm famous for that! I'm sure we'll talk again. <p>God Bless,
Lupo

Hi Lupo - thanks so much - I needed a slap in the face and back to reality - just somebody to tell me the truth and not just side with me as all my friends do. You are right I was having a pity party. Your comments really helped! Now I just need to get it through his "fat head" that he's GOT to get some help.haha
How did you ever make it through when his family did not approve of you???? That had to be a miserable experience. My H's family all loves me except for his D's.
We are still talking - but I don't know if its just a matter of time until he comes to his senses or what. I love how he leaves me a "note" and then afterward he can talk to me. What is that????? I can't seem to make him understand that his D is the one who disrespects me and that I can't have her coming to my house and doing that! He holds his ground and says that I'm the one who disrespects her! His whole family has witnessed this and he still says I'm the one who is at fault. Not his precious little D, why, she can do no wrong. His X has poisened both his children against him and me and his whole family! His father has never even seen 2 of his great grandchildren! They didn't even bother to tell their father when his grandchildren were born! My H still has a 90 yr old grandmother. His grandchildren don't even know her! His D's are selfish like their mother and I guess its their way of "paying him back" for his neglect when they were younger. He knows that his kids take advantage of him and yet he allows it to continue. He knows they only call him when they "want" something. (usually money or gifts)
But he just shrugs his shoulders and lets it go.
I have read several books on trying to get along with stepchildren and no matter what I do, after all these years, I always take the back burner when it comes to them. I have always been good to them - mostly because I always felt sorry for the way their mother treated them. Its not that I really "hate" them (thats a strong word) but I really "hate" the way they treat their father and his family.
So I guess I'll just have to sit back and let my marriage deteriorate until my H and his D come to their senses? He won't get counseling and she won't grow up. She still has a strong desire to have her parents back together again and is doing everything in her power to see that that happens. do you think I should get counseling again? (different counselor) even if he won't go? It really annoys me that he's so weak when he is in all other respects a very strong person.
Could it be that he's jealous of my relationship with my children because he doesn't have that? I spent Christmas with my family and my X was there with his wife and son and we all get along just fine. He has to go and visit his kids by himself on Christmas because his family is not welcome, including me.
I keep coming back to the fact that maybe I should just cut my losses and give up and not put up with all this stress. There have been many instances of his "hiding things behind my back" because he knows I would not approve. Mostly in the area of giving them money. We had an agreement that we would not lend ANY of the kids money. Yet I have found out that he has done it on several occassions.
He is the type of person who always runs from his problems and takes the easiest way out. I'm not like that but if my H doesn't want to convince his D that this is killing him inside then what can I do? I've made the effort to invite them over to the house even though I'm not invited to theirs - but he says there is no way that his D will ever come over here or would she ever have me in her home!
Hahaha It looks like I wrote a book also. I appreciate any input you might have. I need somebody who is not too close to the situation to sit back and give me a different perspective on things.
Maybe after he reads the marriage builders info he'll have a different point of view! Lets hope so.
Thanks, painter