OK, My H keeps acting mean, putting me down, saying mean things, saying it is all my fault.. I am this, I am that, it is me me me... had to leave since I am so bad bad bad... anyone ever heard this CRAP out of the aliens mouth... I am working very hard on ignoring him since he is crazed and confused, and I am sick of this CRAP.. I say one thing about how I am angry at him.. and it all turns to me me me.. What about him him him? <p>I am feeling hurt and angry and like I just can't take it tonight... THanks, HONEY

Honey, <p>Are you talking to him again? Stop. He can not handle your thoughts right now. Hey he can't even handle his own. <p>If you were his mom (which I know you are not) would you give him more to do if he can't even tie his shoes? <p>Ok, now step back,......deep breathe. Listen hon, DONT TALK TO HIM ABOUT FEELING STUFF!!! DONT TALK TO HIM ABOUT STUFF HE CAN'T HANDLE. <p>Talk about the news, sports, what's for dinner (though even that can be volitle), stuff about the kids, the weather....anything but the A related stuff. If you should stray on a subject that you shouldn't, CATCH YOURSELF, STOP & APOLGIZE for talking to him about those things. <p>Not that it is wrong for you to talk about it, just say something like...."oops, sorry didn't mean to go there..'" Then STOP talking about it. Go do something else. K?<p>L.

thanks, we got into it.. when I went by to pick up the kids.. he my H said that... would you like to watch son ride motorbike I bought him for christmas.. my answer NO, since I cant stand for being at his house.. I hate it soo much now- anyway... <p>well, I am really upset over all of this CRAP... and I told my kids get all your clothes out of the house and lets go... I mean he is the WS... <p>then keep deciding I want some chairs of mine back that I let him borrow, he can have them for all I care anyway..<p>He and his slut can just go on and on and on forever in their drunken lives...<p>Sorry I am having to vent again... there is more, but don't even feel like writing it.. I finally got mad at him after he slammed door shut in my face and locked it when I asked for the kids clothes... <p>tonight on phone I called to say sorry do not mean to talk about such things.. blah blah HE starts screaming at me... that he is going to take the kids, dedicate every resource he has to taking them and spoil them rottn so they will always want to be with him... WOW.. he says he will get an injunction to take them from me for 2 weeks... saying that i am unstable... etc etc.<p>OW is on his answering machine vm leaving some nutty message that sounds like it could be aimed at me.. like thank you you are sooo crzy thanks for being so crzy I am really impressed.. it is sarcastic mean and cruel... mesaage that sounds like it is directed at me... HELP. I am really feeling like I do not even know this man... and when the insults start to fly my way it is hard not to fling some back... <p>thanks be to god, with gods help I know I can make it through this.<p>HONEY

You know Honey, you may just need to get an intermediary to pick up the kids so there is no confrontation between the 2 of you. At least for now. <p>Think about that option. Each encounter is giving him fuel for his fire. You gotta get away from him and let him cool down a bit. Remember the alien? Don't hug or converse with one.<p>L.

Honey,
I am so sorry to hear about your latest news. There is no point in trying to talk to them. At this point, they really can't see any other than their own perspective. It is sad.<p>I had to get an intermediary. It works great and takes me out of the loop. Still hurts when the kids go...but I don't have to interact...and that helps. Take care sweetie!!<p>[ December 29, 2001: Message edited by: miserynmissouri ]</p>

thanks for the support. truth is my family which is in town all think I am crzed for even letting him see the kids.. you knwo they are probably right.. I am trying to be fari and keep the kids seeing their dad, and I need help with them frankly... I have to work.. and right now can't really afford babysitting and the pressure of seeing my mother who wants me to get a Divorce is very hard when i go to her for babysititng ,e tc... she seems to think if she babysits my kids, I should divorce my H since she says so... it is really hard.. my mom is even in therapy now and my sister had a breakdown one day... it is crzy my whole family is losing it over all of this... so I am afraid to go to them.. but since I really my parents and sisters help.. I may try to work twith them on this... thanks, honey

So...Honey?<p>What was it you quoted on my other thread yesterday?<p>You don't have to like your situation, but you can like yourself in it.<p>Do you like yourself right now?<p>Your husband is not the jerk.<p>You are.<p>You choose to let your emotions run rampant, you choose to walk into situations that you KNOW you won't choose to handle well, and then you manipulate and provoke a fight....and call your H the jerk???<p>You are out of control and way out of line, no matter how justified your anger is.<p>And speaking of that anger...<p>You are angry because you sacrificed your own life to support him and he repayed you by doing this to you...right?<p>Honey - you aren't a victim. It was your CHOICE to do the things you did. He didn't force you to.<p>So start taking a little responsiblity, ok? <p>Your sacrifices are precisely why you are in this situation now. Had you stopped enabling him years ago, maybe he'd have hit bottom and gone to AA and gotten some help...do you think?<p>Enabling is when YOU participate in providing a comfortable environment for unacceptable behavior.<p>So Honey...you aren't a victim. Get get off the pity pot and get a grip on yourself.<p>Ask your H if he will meet you in a public place to exchange the children from now on. And get your attorney to put that in your temporary motions.<p>And stop talking to him. You are choosing to do this to yourself.<p>Did you go to a meeting today?<p>Don't you think you need to make another?

thanks bramblerose.. guess I am a jerk too, but he is really really mean to me.. he did try to be nice at first and I was just irate to be at his house... I know.. bad place to be... I needed a babysitter and went to work.. no meeting today.. will be at church in the morning,a nd a meeting tomorrow night.<p>I know it was my choice to suffer through yrs of waiting for him to be a grown up... and now this is what I get... You are right it has been my own choice.. <p>I am starting to pray he gets a DUI......<p>Oh well, she will get hers... won't she?<p>I am sorry I am not happy with the OW at all. <p> HUGS, HONEY

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>guess I am a jerk too, but he is really really mean to me..<hr></blockquote><p>And just WHERE did you hear anywhere on this site or in Al-Anon that "he is really mean to me" is a legitimate reason to abuse your spouse?<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>he did try to be nice at first and I was just irate to be at his house... <hr></blockquote><p>Uh...he was nice until you lashed out at him...he wasn't mean until you attacked...and yet you excuse yourself for his "meanness"?<p>Sweetie, you are giving your husband every reason to run from your marriage and never look back.

Honey,<p>I am sorry but BrambleRose is right. You may have no control over your H and his actions. But you certainly do have control over yourself. <p>There are three ways you can handle the kids.
1) Get an intermediary who supervises the pick ups and drops offs the kids.<p>You can drop the kids off at the intermediary’s house at a prespecified time. Your H then pics the kids up 30 minutes later, giving you time to get a good distance from the drop off/pickup home. It works in reverse on the other end. If the picker-upper does not show after waiting 30 minutes they loose the visitation. If you do this, cell phones are a really good idea so that emergency situations can be taken into consideration.<p>2) Do the drop off/pick up in a public place like a grocery store parking lot… somewhere where there are lots of people. Directly in front of the store is your best bet. That way all parties will be more likely to behave. If the picker-upper does not show after waiting 30 minutes they loose the visitation. If you do this, cell phones are a really good idea so that emergency situations can be taken into consideration.<p>3) Drop off/pick up the kids outside of your house and his. The kids are to be ready when the person arrives and they walk to the car without the other parent. This eliminates contact. And for example, if your H does not show up within 30 minutes of his designated time, he has forfeited his visitation. You can leave with the kids. This is what I did during my previous divorce… we still do this today. The person who is picking up the children in the one who does the driving. <p>In your situation I believe that #1 is your best bet. As for your mom and family thinking you are crazy for letting him see the kids. Got news for you and your family. You have no choice in this. Until a court orders him unstable and a bad parent he has AS MUCH legal right to see/raise the kids as you do. If you with hold them the courts will probably automatically give him custody. You do not own the kids. What is going on between you and your H has NOTHING to do with your kids and they should never be subjected to such fights. Subjecting them to these blowups is, in and of itself abuse.<p>I do not care what your H has done. He is the father to your children. Every time you fight with him and/or speak badly of him you are hurting the 50% of them that he is. It sounds to me like you are hurting your kids almost as much as their father is.<p>Have you ever wondered if you H and his OW know how hot headed and volatile you are? All they have to do is to pull your chain a little and you go balistic. What if they are taking videos of this? Or tape recording it? Have you ever wondered what you would look like on screen in court or in a custody evaluation? You have got to get control of yourself. Each time you have said you are not going near him and his house again, you do exactly that. You are asking for the problems you have.<p>I know you are hurting but you HAVE to get control of yourself.<p>If your mother and family are in counseling over this and it is ruining their lives, they are too involved in your life. You need their help but you have to protect them from the emotional garbage. And they have to not take things out on your H, especially in front of the children. They have to treat him respectfully or he will make sure they see less and less of the children.<p>Can you get an attorney? I would suggest that you do that so that a parenting plan can be drawn up and a visitation schedule and rules established. That will stop a lot of this nonsense.

Honey,<p>Please do yourself a favor and stay away from this man. You're not doing yourself any favors by interacting with him so negatively, particularly when there are children involved. I know that it's hard. I know that it makes you angry. I went through the same thing when my H suddenly moved out. Once I figured out that my visiting him or seeing him on any other terms other than *his* was going to be an issue, I decided it wasn't worth it. I was only dragging myself down and making myself miserable. Let go. Let go of him. Don't approach the alien. Don't go near the mothership. You'll only put yourself in the line of fire.<p>It takes a while for your brain to "click" to this mode of reasoning. But I promise you, once you draw that boundary for yourself and make it stick, you'll feel a lot better about yourself and the situation. <p>belld

thanks for all the advice, I do not like going near the mothership, and things are getting worse... you guys are right... he is trying to hurt me... may even be doing some of this on purpose.. definitely useing the police calls to try to gain custody and threatening me with it too...<p>I am the better parent in many ways.. he is a bonafied alcoholic... I have been reading my ODAT tongiht.<p>I am really sorry that it keeps getting to this point... I do not know why it has to be so crzy.<p>HONEY