Several reasons, now kids... <p>My H is threatening to try to take kids, and to file something called a tempoary order for custody to him... I have been more than fair with visitation, etc. and he is really doing this as avoidance of paying child supprt and a possible threat only attitude.. trying to hurt me now... all of the sudden, but he is so alien and not himself.. I just do not know...<p>H is trying to build a case against me as out of control violent, etc. as I have lost my temper a couple of times with him.. he has lost his temper too, but he is the one trying to call all the shots, and the only one that has been calling the police...<p>So I am now afraid of him and who he is becoming and is right now... DO WS come back from mars? I know I messed up over holidays...<p>today we had arguement because I wanted kids clothes, etc. when I picked them up and he went crzy on me... I did say one mean comment, but he has been dishing them out on me way more... but he does not even remember this himself.. he forgets everything he says and does to me and only remembers what I do...<p>As recent as last night he wanted me over for sf, and I refused.. kids were here and in bed... and he was hoping I could come over.. etc.<p>Anyway.. he is active drinker, unstable, and endangers kids because he drinks and drives, I really thought that this would be enough for me to have custody hands down.. he also has been having the affair... <p>I am starting to worry as his threats today were quite cruel.<p>I do have to stay away from mother ship.. he gets his severence pay next week and is on his high horse.. saying he will use every penny to take kids from me,a nd he is in much better position than me - etc etc etc<p>I did not want this to get dirty , but I guess it just does... looks like I do need to take action to protect myself from what he is beocoming.. afraid if I file for my part of his severecne will be a major LB and drive him to hate me more... also afraid if I start trying to make him look bad in court, etc that it will all get worse.. it will be best for kids to primarily reside with me.. and I am fine and want them to see and be with dad.. he is fun and we all still love him... and always want my kids too.. but I do worry about the drinking and driving and other stuff too... of course.. immoral behavior, he spanks the kids, etc etc.<p>OK, I just don't want to LB and drive my marriage further south, plus do not have much money anyway... I cannot even bear to think about our names on all those legal pleadings, etc He is trying to make me look bad.. though.. starting to think I may just have to get a pi... or be one myeslf.. and document what he does.. thinking of following him and calling police so he will get another driving while intoxicated, because that will help me and could be good wake up call.. <p>Part of why I stayed in this marriage was to work on making it better always, and I love him dearly and not to ever divide our children between their mom and dad. and with an active drinker dad I feel so much better about them always having me available... <p>worried in texas.<p>HONEY

You probably do have to file to get the custody and visitation issue taken care of and to get child support started. <p>filing for D does not mean you have to get one. It only gets things settled for the moment.

thanks, I think I have to, wish I already had in a way, but don't .. it is a hard step because I know the laws will protect me and help me and make things so much more easier to deal with- this is what I really have to do...<p>THanks for the advice, and my H even sd as he keeps saying he will file.. that it does not mean it will go through.. yesterday he was saying I am the only one he could ever live with... unfortunately his fog is so thick that there is no way things will be fair unless I do something quickly. thanks so much for the support, HONEY

honey,<p>I would contact a lawyer to see if there are any other legal options short of filing. If not, I suggest you file to protect yourself and your kids. As Zorweb said, filing for D and following through with it are two different things. Sometimes you need to file to open up some other legal options. I've done it recently (counter filed actually). I don't want a D, but filing allows my lawyer to subpeona cell phone records which I need for my own peace of mind.<p>sad dad

thanks sad dad, in texas have to file for d for all the other protections.. no such things as legal seperation , etc... only divorce with temporary orders, etc. etc... I've been following your posts, and understand completely what you mean about peace of mind.. being lied to by your best friend sure is confusing isn't it...???<p>thanks, HONEY

honey,<p>Yeah, that's what I need right now is peace of mind. I have no proof of PA, and my W has denied EA for so long and to so many people, I doubt she'll ever admit it. I don't care what I can prove legally, I just need to prove it to myself so I can move on. I can't do that with the constant questions going through my mind. The phone records will prove once and for all that she's been lying to me and that's grounds for mental cruelty. <p>Sometimes you need to make a stand and refuse to put up with it anymore for WS's to take notice.
It my case, I doubt it will make a difference.<p>sad dad<p>[ December 30, 2001: Message edited by: sad dad ]</p>

Sad Dad, My H was just not all that smart about any of it...
I got the phone records and some cc records as they came here after he left, and of course combed through them... he says he doesn't even know the OWs home number and it is here on the bill.... <p>They are possesed by lies.<p>HONEY

honey, no offense just gonna offer another point of view re your many postings here, do with it as you will. I see you in a huge co-dependentcy based relationship, doing all the wrong things (from a behavioural standpoint). Why are you doing this? Has nothing to do with love far as I can see, the relationship bears no resemblance at all to a marriage, more like a cat and dog fight. You say you love him...why? According to MB one only loves those who meet their EN, from what you post I can't see any EN being met, nor have been met for a long time, maybe never. That is what dependentcy based relationships are about...have you really done the personal work on yourself, to figure out why you choose to live like this? Have you considered your H is probably hopeless as marriage material? <p>MB makes it clear, this stuff is useless, does not work, with people who have personality disorders and/or addictions. All one can do is plan B em, get on with your life, and per chance if they do reach inside and cure themselves (with a lot of counselling usually) you can always decide if you want to try with them again. In the meantime you get some space, so your head can clear, start looking around and find out what normal life looks like, and wake up. All this stuff about how he can never live with anyone but you.....RIGHT, who else would put up with this abuse? That is probably why he married you, that is why most women get stuck with abusive men, they SELECT you, but it has nothing to do with loving you. <p>IMO you need to not focus on your H at all, you need to figure out why you are doing this, and not just blow it off by saying you love him. Sure you don't hate him, he is not evil, may even be nice often, and you had kids with him, none of that makes any difference, and has nothing to do with his capacity to be a nurturing intimate partner with you. Let me ask you something, if you were dating him, and "knew" all you know now about his psychology and behaviour would you marry him? That is the only real question, and if it is yes, you have to ask yourself whether you are a project woman, one who picks dysfunctional men and figures they can "cure" them if they love them enough.... (this isn't really love btw, it is kind of codependentcy).<p>This is a risky post cause some here are very reluctant to look at reality and get mad at me when I do (and chew me out)...you can ignore this if you wish, but I just could not stand by and watch you drown without saying something....I don't really think your H is the problem, he is what he is, I think you are the problem, do not know how to get out of this mess you got yourself into. Just change your focus honey, let him go, plan b him, and get your head straightened out, he is not the last man in the world, and many more will treat you a whole lot better, and you will love em just fine. If he can straighten out in the meantime, and follow your RULES to the letter, great, give him another chance, but don't be fooled by a lot of hot air, look at his behaviour, that will be all the truth you need.

I have to agree with SNL on this one. He gave me the same advise awhile back. Hard to follow tho.<p>Space does help to cure you head a little bit. It doesn't cure the pain or feelings of rejections or the loss of you family tho....<p>Do get a lawyer, document as much as you can and pray that someone or something knocks him on the head. In the meantime--try to go on with what you want from life. It is tough...I know.

thanks , I have to, I can't try to work things out with someone who does not know up from down will be praying for the meteor to strike from alien land ...!
HONEY

I agree wholeheartedly with SNL. It is time to go with Plan B! You deserve to be treated with respect (we all do!) I know his words are hard to read, but they do make sense. I have to take his words to heart too and utilize the dreaded Plan B! I know it will be hard for you (and for me) but I know this site will help us both get through it! Good luck and God bless!
BH