For those of you who have been following my posts I have another question I need some feedback on. My wife has been in Europe visiting family and friends since 12/16/01. She will be coming back on 1/2/02. The counselor suggested she get away so she could have time to think things over. My wife got involved with a guy she worked with for about the past three months. I caught her doing it, she didn't come to me and tell me. The guy has left her work this month. That is one reason the counselor wanted her to leave work for awhile. My wife cell bill said she last tried calling this other guy on 11/11/01.
Since me catching her, she immediately wanted a divorce. She said she was unhappy, etc. That she loves me but isn't in love with me. She has been partying with co-workers and friends since this all came out in the open. She was partying and getting high with co-workers the week before she left.
My wife called today and she said the whole trip was a waste. I am not sure how to take that? I am thinking the trip didn't solve anything for her and that she is still sitting on the fence. I spoke to my wifes mom and she spoke to a few poeple over there that my wife has been seeing. Nobody over there knew about the situation unless my wife told them. Well my wife told her grandma what happened and what she has been doing. Well her grandma told her just like everyone else(parents, me, counselor, etc.) that she is screwing up. That the people she is hanging around with aren't good friends and that sooner or later it will all catch up with her. Also she said to my wife that all of us are unhappy from time to time in life but you just don't quit. So with my wife hearing that from her grandma who she is real close with now I am thinking my wife heard something she didn't. Now I am wondering if my wife will run further upon her arrival or if she will want to work on the marriage. My wife told two of her friends that she is going to do everything she can to save the marriage. Then one of her other friends said that my wife still feels the same and doesn't want to work on the marriage. So how do I take all of this? My wife is telling some friends she is going to do whatever to make the marriage work. Then she is telling another friend something different. Is this part of the roller coaster ride she is on? What do I believe or don't believe? My wife has told a lot of people that she is truly sorry for what she has done and how she has hurt me. However my wife hasn't said anything along those lines to me. Is my wife still hiding because of her guilt? Is she still trying to justify to other people on why she is doing what she is doing?
The counselor suggested that when my wife gets back to sit down with her and ask her what she plans on doing with the marriage? She said I have to do this since I have been trying for the past 2 months and my wife hasn't put in any effort at all. Does anyone suggest I do or don't do this?
So many people, counselor, me, her brother, her parents and her grandma have all told my wife that she has two real bad friends here that are no good for her. Of course my wife has been friends with them since high school. These were her two party buddies way back in the days and still are. I don't think my wife is willing nor wants to give up her two friends that everyone has seen they are no good to her. We all have seen it and my wife doesn't it. Her grandma didn't even talk to anyone over here and she told my wife she never liked those two girls. So does anyone think my wife will give up her friends? Or do you think she will hold on to them because they have supported her with the other guy?
If my wife does choose on to work on the marriage and the marriage does work. I think the only possible thing to do would be for my wife and I to move out of state away from these two friends of hers. Hard to believe my wife won't give up her two friends for me and her family.
Any advice on all of this? Anybody see something I am not? Anybody been in this situation before? Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated...

Yes CG, this is the rollercoaster ride and if you go with her different responses you will be sick. As you can see, your W is doing the same to others that she is doing to you. Double talking/waffling/fence sitting/rollercoaster riding etc. <p>If you were to push her for a response now, she would probably leave. She appears to be very confused so how would she even be able to reason with you? <p>Knowing that, you need to decide about how much time you can give her. She needs to digest all that is being said to her. Many WS act like they are hearing this stuff in a tunnel and it is echoing all over the place and they can't dicpher anything. Her reaction will be slow and maybe not to your liking. <p>See if you can schedule a session with Steve or Jennifer. Get their viewpoint. <p>L.

Hi confused_guy,
I have to agree with what Orchid said. Too many people giving input when you need to hear directly from your wife.<p>No one can predict whether or not she'll give up her party girl friends. And, that is the last thing you should demand of her, unfortunately. It might drive her further away from you instead--you know--trying to choose her friends for her. Might seem like you are trying to control her. Nope, letting go of the bad friends must be her decision...<p>Bottom line is that your wife's friends are losers, but SHE has to be able to see it. If you call her friends losers, then she probably would resent it and take it personal because they are her close pals. You and I both know that she probably couldn't depend on them if her life was on the line, tho... [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I know it is difficult because you don't like her friends nor their influence over your wife, but she's a big girl and my guess is that she'll come around. Especially since she seems to have a very loving husband willing to be patient and work hard to save the marriage. I think if one person is willing to do the work (love, forgive, overlook HUGE love busting behaviors), then there is hope.<p>If your love is that strong to hold on when it looks hopeless, then I believe it is not time to give up yet. You will know when/IF it is time to let go. Doesn't sound like it's time yet. Keep the faith!

CG
I hear ya, the dreaded Friend(s), I'm going through the same thing to a certain extent, my wife has said she wants to work on our marriage but she has only been two weeks since last contact with OM, I've realized to take things slow and don't try to tell her how to feel, just keep doing your best to show her how much you love her and how good things can be at home. My wife has a friend that was her alibi during her affair, she is single and i think my wife got caught up in her lifestyle, I cringe everytime they talk on the phone but nothing good would come from me trying to end their friendship. I did tell her that it bothers me that her friend was her alibi and she said she could see my point, I didn't go into detail about how much I detest her.
Keep up the faith and be strong, I know it sucks right now but it can get better and stronger.
Good Luck Bro