Hello there,

WS or FWS supposedly ended A in Oct 02 and moved in with AIL. He's come by the house, spent a night here and there. Seemed to feel comfortable at home. He expressed remorse and his love for me, even said he doesn't deserve me, that I can do better than him (I reassured him of my forgiveness & love/probably a mistake). Says he needs space to get himself together (i.e. work on gambling, anger and has to throw OW out of efficiency they shared, because it was rented to him by family friends). WS's has a cousin who works for a judge and she helped him fill out paper work to start the process of eviction (he showed me the paper work). WS said that he wished she'd just leave willingly.

WS said that he reported OW to Division of children services because she leaves her D-12 alone while she goes to the casino, she even lost her job at McD's. He said he told her that they could never make it because they both have problems with gambling and he is going to get help for himself (he encouraged her to do the same). WS had to change life insurance at work and he showed OW paper work, she got mad because BS and S are still WS's beneficiary. WS told her well, she is still my wife until I divorce her. OW said and you never will.

He doesn't want to commit to our marriage but wants to be there for our son. Sometimes he seems to come closer to us and most times he backs away. Still not attentive to me or our son, still not paying support, always complains of debts. I do have a support petition through the State, but it is really slow.

WS didn't call all weekend, but just called me at work, asking me "what's up, he hadn't heard from us. He said "you didn't call me over the weekend. I said our son called you once, left a message. His reponse was I was probably on -----'s roof doing side work.

Last Thursday, I told WS that We needed to talk, perhaps over dinner and when he has time. He has asked several times even just now on the phone, what I wanted to talk to him about. I told WS let's talk when we can sit down,not rush, perhaps we can get a sitter to watch our son and go out to dinner.

Dr. Harley feels like husband is conning me and has character flaws. Some marriages are destructive and damaging and may not be worth saving. I was down after receiving this news (over the radio, I do realize that, it is only so much counseling you can get in such a brief period).

After that, I was really fed up and wanted to tell WS or FWS to go on and get the divorce. That I am tired of this entire mess, at least my son will get supported that way.

Now my 4-yr old son who prays without ceasing for his dad to come home and tells him the same whenever he talks to him has been encouraging me not to give up on his daddy. I asked son how he'd feel if it was just mommy and son with no daddy. Son said that he'd be really sad and that he wants his daddy to come home. Well, I told WS this very thing on Friday.

Any advice or comments would be great.

As Mortarman has said "our WS, marriages and families are ultimately in God's in God's hands.

WR
1. W-BS-40. H-WS-41 anger/gambler. 1-S-4
2. M-10 yrs. Known each other 26 yrs
3. D-day #1 03/03/01. Reconciled 9/01
4. D-day #2 7/09/02 (abandoned family)
5. OP-35-Single/gambler. S-19 (n-jail). Neice-12
6. 10/02 WH ended A. Staying with AIL
(remorseful/need space to get self together)

WR,

The A just ended? It may be a while before you want him back anyway. His period of remorse may still be a ways away. Mine was. Oh boy was it ever. I let the WS back too early. Never mind that I got pregnant soon after he came back the lost the baby. That sure didn't help. Anyway, I regret not sticking to plan B back then but I was emotionally not as ready as I should have been. I tried to tell him to stay with the OW but he pleaded real hard and I caved in.

So for what it is worth, let him have his space. Let your Son keep praying and use his little ways to tell his dad how he is feeling. Encourage him to do so. Even dads in the fog have a hard time looking at those tiny piercing eyes that can touch our soul. Let him.

Then watch your H's actions. It may be a while. His heart may be callous.

In the meantime, work on being a better WR. All will notice and that's ok.

This is a good venting place, isn't it?

Hugz,
L.

Hello L,

Thanks alot. I really did vent didn't I. You're right. I realize that a false recovery can really be devastating. I've been through that once. My son has so blessed me and God even uses him in my life to keep me on track and reminding me to keep the faith. That all is not lost. Feelings can get in the way sometimes. Then I have to think what would be best for my son. That is to have both parents loving God, each other and him.

Last night my son wanted pancakes and eggs for dinner. As we were eatting I asked him what made him decide to have pancakes and eggs. He said because his dad was in his heart he decided he wanted pancakes and eggs. Then I asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up. He said he wanted to work with his daddy!

I took your advice and when we spoke to FWS, I made sure I told him what our son said. When son gets the phone he says, "daddy when are you coming home, I miss you! I want you to come home! Afterwards son says my daddy is going to come see me after he gets off work. It wasn't last night. I believe husband may think that I put son up to this.

L, I am going to work on me and take my focus off of FWS. Son and I are doing fine. I guess I want too much to soon (i.e. time together and his financial support). I am grateful that we are communicating without fighting.

You're right about not wanting him home right now. It must be hard as they go through the withdrawal period. Our false recovery was wonderful for a brief time (2 weeks), then it was hell. Of course my family new that it wouldn't last.

Some of my family are hoping that I will move on. A doctor friend, invited me to go to Vegas for a few days. Of course I can't go because I am married and it would be a sin against God. They thought that I should go. Get separate rooms or double beds. This would only complicate my life and that is not what I want or have faught so hard for. It is amazing how God has protected me, my love for FWS during our years of marriage and this A, gambling and anger.

I feel like I am always trying to be sympathetic in regards to my husband's childhood (growing up without his mom or dad, the loss of 3 brothers (1-child, 1-military, 1-robbed/killed) and other family, and other tragedies). Always trying to understand how he became who he is today. Do you think that it is terrible to do this and that there is really no excuse for bad behavior.

A friend whose marriage was ravaged by alcohol and drugs and some gambling for 18 years until God saved her husband and restored her marriage encouraged me not to give up (in my heart I don't want to). She and her husband never separated, but she shared how difficult it was. How she never told anyone, not even her psychiatrist or family. She said she went five days without sleep and had to go to the hospital emergency. They gave her sleeping pills and she only slept for 1 hour. She said she did have some what of a nervous breakdown. She was also caring for an ill mother and had a young son.

She said that she couldn't see the end at that time but what if she had given up! She would not have been blessed with this Godly husband, who now loves his wife as Christ loves the church.

L, Thank you for letting me vent. How are you doing? I enjoy reading the input/advice/encouragement that you give to me and others.

God Bless you.

WR

Dr.Harley only told you that your M may be one of the ones NOT worth saving, because of your H's addiction to gambling. That's the only reason. If your H is sincere about getting the help he needs, then once he's on track with that, your M would indeed have a good chance at recovery. That's if you're willing to wait, and are willing to take him back when he's ready.

I know the difficulties you are going through right now. I just recently accepted that my H is possibly a sex addict (to porn mostly), and I need to move on until he finds the help he needs. IF he gets it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Karen

Hello Karen,

Thanks for your response. I do believe that the process of recovery begins when our WS or FWS take responsibility for their actions and seek the help that they need in order to be delivered from this madness. My husband grew up on the card table. Once the family dinner was over they pushed the dishes aside and gambled throughout the night. Now my husband and his family have graduated to the Casino's (boats), where they loose all of their money and not just $25.00 on the card table. There's also gambling on the games.

I pray that God will also help you and your husband. That your husband will get the help that he needs.

WR

Hello there,

I was just reflecting on responses that I received. Orchid, everyone. What was written has more meaning now than it did then. FWS is still unstable in my opinion. It seems he like control (i.e. seeing us when he wants, calling us when he wants, IL come first). He is bored when at our house. He doesn't want anyone else to have me, but he doesn't want to truly commit either. He says he's not involved with anyone, and he is not gambling. He has been more financially supportive and has not exhibited the angry behavior as in the past. He definitedly doesn't want a divorce. I believe he likes things just as they are. I want to and have told him that I am cutting him off (no sex and etc.), because I am tired of the roller coaster rides, the hit it and leave (have sex and leave). His response to the hit and leave was, that I never asked him to stay.

Last night he mentioned my not submitting. I told him that you have to give me something to submit to (I am a Christian). I guess the fog is still lifting. FWS seems to avoid taking responsibility for his part in this mess of a marriage. I did tell him that a decision had to be made regarding our marriage and family. He asked me to call him tonight so we can continue talking. If anyone has any comments or suggestions I welcome them.

WR