I don't know why they can just discard us. Anyway, my friend gave me more info. He's even told her that he plans on staying at his current place for another 7 or 8 months, then getting his own house. Also, he's doing his best to be a good father, and is helping me all he can.

My response was..if he was a good father, he wouldn't have walked out on us, and as far as 'helping me'??? Let's just say anything he's done has been a minimum.

I sent my H a note saying I'd like to talk to him today so if he could come to get our son for hockey 1/2 hour earlier tonight.

I am going to tell him that we need the agreement asap, as well as his stuff moved out. I have waited and waited and he keeps saying he wants it but never does it. Obviously this man has no intention ever of being with me again and I know because I'm having such a hard time dealing with it that I need his stuff out and the agreement in place and I'm going to tell him that tonight.

I feel sick, can hardly concentrate on my job and every day I feel no better emotionally, no matter how I try and how busy I keep.

My H also told her that it's been much more 'civil' between us. Yes, it has...because she called him two weeks ago and told him not to be so mean and cruel!! He certainly puts across the good guy facade.

I do not want my marriage to end, I am dying inside thinking that he will most likely divorce me.

Re praying..I have been praying every day as have alot of other people. I have already put my faith in God and continue to. I will try to redirect my love to others, but it's hard when I just want to stay in my bed.

Thanks for your comments. I need them today, badly.

Hi Kimmy.....so sorry you are going through this nitemare. I wish i knew what to say, but i dont. I hope someone can giving you some uplifting advice. I know your friend told him to quit being so mean, but, a may be a baby step in diguse. Meaning once he gets used to being cival with each other, he might see hey, this is the way its supposed to be. My H was so mean and nasty to me (aug/sept). I would just call his name and he would yell back "WHAT" with a tone that definetly was not his. He did no yard work, etc. and basically im'ing the OW any chance he could. Anyway back to you. Another thing is dont do anything without thinking it through first. Dont do what he expects you would do. Just do the opposite. You dont want to give him the chance to say under his breath as he is leaving. What F...kin *****, i am so glad i am out of here, she hasnt changed a bit. I know you are tired of trying. Hang in there, kim....A/C0810

Kimmy - I know the pain is horrible - and when I read yours I can still feel mine... My husband and I are divorced now as I told you - he blames me everytime we are not civil to each other - basically we are civil - if and when I don't talk about anything of any importance - it is a daily stuggle - I have been trying to get him to get all of his stuff out of the house since April and as of today - two months after our divorce all of "his stuff" tools etc. is still at my house - everyone tells me to get it out - throw it to the curb - have a yard sale - you know he just thinks of me as a storage place - but the point I am trying to make - don't waste all of your energy focusing on him getting all of his stuff... I basically packed my husbands clothes for him and everything that was in site and tried to get him out of the house - he didn't live there I didn't want to see his stuff - put it down cellar -- You can do it on your own - I haven't asked him to do anything, I mow the lawn, change the lightbulbs - I painted almost every room in the house since he has been gone - I am trying to make it mine.... I know it hurts so bad - you cannot figure him out - you won't be able to - it has taken me a long time and I still don't do it very well - but you have to work on you - you can only control yourself - not him - at all.... Try to stay strong - tell him ok - you want to go - take your stuff please - don't let him continually hurt you - I know this is way easier said than done - I am the poster child for being walked on - and for being to nice and for making it to easy on the husband - but he is lost - everyone around you probably sees it - you just cannot accept it... he may come back but he may not - but in the meantime you must protect yourself and your children - your doctor said she wanted you to feel this - well you know what - enough is enough - you need to see a therapist and talk to someone - just so you don't think you are crazy - and believe me - from a person that cried for over 8 months the antidepressants - really help... Good Luck...

Well..here's the latest on my story. I tried to talk to my H last night to tell him I was having a hard time getting over him and could he not delay any longer re the separation agreement and his stuff. I then talked about how I wished he'd just talked to me when he was still here with me and how hard it had been for me when you're told by your husband one day he loves you, and he'll never leave you, and the next day he announces he doesn't love you, doesn't even like you, hasn't been happy for years and leaves.

I just wanted a chance at our marriage and told him it was just so devastating when he walked out on me and the kids and I needed his stuff out of my life so I could try to move on.

He freaked and said I am never to say he walked out on our kids again or he'd take me to court. I said he could see our kids every day but the truth is he did leave our kids..he left the home and never wanted to try for them..he just left.

He then said 'I left YOU and I left you because I don't like you', and then he said 'now I have somewhere to live I can go after getting our kids'.

At that point I just lost it. I have taken 5 months of verbal abuse, trying to be kind and loving and considerate...delayed getting a proper agreement for the financial and the kids because he wanted a mediator, and we just did our own agreement about the kids. I've been friendly and civil and tried everything possible to have him perhaps one day want to be in our lives again. I've been having a hard time emotionally lately as any of you have read my recent posts know, and him telling me he could go after getting our kids and not liking me put me over the edge and I lost it. I lost my temper and hit him a few times.

I'm not proud of it, and I didn't intend it to be that way, but the fact is my emotions took over. Anyway, what's happened now is he left here, went to the police station and has charged a complaint against me. I have to go tonight at 7:00 to give a statement and find out if I'm being charged with assault.

I just feel there's nothing left now. This man already took my heart and soul, and now nothing left to do, so hey..let's go charge her.

I'm not even afraid of the police thing. I'm devastated because it's just one more betrayal towards me from him. I have never exposed myself emotionally, or been as trusting and loving to anyone as I have to him, and he betrayed my hopes and dreams, as well as my kids. If I walked out, of course everyone would say 'I can't believe Kim left her kids' but for him to do it he loses his mind when I say that. All I ever wanted was a chance. I know how I was in our marriage, I know how I've tried the last 5 months, and I can live with myself. I wish I hadn't hit him but my mind could take no more.

O...Kimmy1...

I am so sorry...

My prayers for a good outcome are with you.

Cali

Dear Kimmy1,

I have not followed your full story but your recent events are certainly reminiscent and not in a good way. I am sorry for the pain you are going through but it is very much the way of an angered WS.

He does not want you to blame him but don't let that stop what you need to do. My WS called the police on me.... the first time I put H's stuff in the garage he said he needed 2 weeks to move out. I gave him 1. I got better, each time he came back and I kicked him out or he choose to run away, I learned to pack faster and faster. Eventually it got down to a 2 hour packing mode and this time there was no 'nice boxes'. Clothes in bags and suits thrown out on the front porch.

H got mad that I was 'touching his stuff'. Well he didn't seem to object when I washed, folded and iron his clothes.... same cooties so what's the diff? Well he called 911 and kept pushing me around the house.... let's see the police came and guess who got arrested? Why? because they saw him push me into the house. Of course it was my fault. But he did the time. The officer knew exactly what had happened and took statements. Lots of fog and anger. Bad combination. He was there for 2 1/2 days, came out and went to OWs house..... lived with her for about 10 days and called up begging to come home. I was also given the same lines you were about not leaving our child, just leaving me. I told him that our child and I were a package deal so that remark didn't make sense but that I do agree that he abandoned somebodies.

Your pain is real and running high. So is his anger. Let his anger show. Your pain will subside..... I am able to laugh at all the stupidity that happened..... now that's improvement.

Wishing you strength........

L.

I just wish this had never happened. I wish I'd never tried to talk to him. I wish I'd never hit him. I feel so sorry, but I can't change it now.

Hi Kimmy....when my H was in the fog, he said a similiar thing. Let me start at the beginning. In the past my 15 yr. old son, used to say jokingly if ever dad and you ever got Divorced, i would go with dad cause he makes the money and spends more (i am a penny pincher, lol). It was always just a joke. When my H was insisting on leaving us, he brought up the subject of this joke. He said you know "J" would probably want to live with me. Well, let me tell you , its like a mother bear protecting her cubs. I said, "DONT YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT TAKING AWAY MY CHILD",he is my first born, he stays with me. He said, dont worry, i know he is best to be with you his mother. I said i know i wont worry, cause if he finds out about this fiasco, you will be lucky if he gives you the time of day, never mind wanting to live with you. Anyway, i can see why you lost it, when it comes to our kids , trust me the claws come out. My kids still dont know any of this, and beleive me if they were to find out, they would hate his guts. My D would probably stab him in his sleep. Anyway, let us know what happens to nite. I am so sorry this is happening to you. Orchid's post are very helpful and can give you some hope. I have read some of her posts and she has also been through the mill, and here it is 2 yrs. past D-Day for her, so there is always some shred of hope. Take care and keep posting...Dont give him anymore ammunition to make you look like that bad guy. God Bless you....A/C0810

No, you can't take it back now. It's done and it's the past. And believe me, I understand how it could happen.

Kimmy, in my years here on this board I have seen many many many times when a BS "loses it" with the WS. Although maybe not all the time physically, certainly verbally or in other actions. What we (BS) have gone thru is one of the worse things a spouse can experience, even equated to worse than the death of our spouse. It's a horrific thing to go through, no question. And the only way anyone could really empathize, is if they have experienced it themselves.

So now, knowing we understand how you felt, and certainly know you feel pretty horrible about your reaction to your H, I say it's time you forgive yourself. You have so much to deal with as it is honey, I think it's safe to say you have already beaten yourself up enough for this slip and you really can't have that guilt added to the top of your heap of things you already have in front of you.

I say you brush yourself off, and decide that this is a sign for you to try harder to become more detached from your H. That all his words and all his hurtful actions are ALL "HIS" PROBLEMS ... not yours.

I really feel for you, I know how this feels like madness to you. And what else I know is that you can gain back control of your side of things. It isn't easy, but it is doable and it is WORTH IT. Just ask Cali. She knows what I'm talking about.

I remember showing up here one day and Cali was transformed into "Hurricane-Cali". What a interesting couple of days that was. LOL .... alot of us were living vicariously thru her ...

I'll let her tell you the story, if she wants to. But my point is ... ALL OF US HURT THIS BAD. It's how we recover and what we learn from it that matters.

Cali is one of the most respected and well loved members on this forum, she did all the hard work. And believe me it was hard. I watched her and read her daily, and it was a momumental struggle for her. She was determined to learn something from all this, she went thru every facet of it determined to make herself better .... to brutally examine what she could do to improve herself regardless of the marriage surviving or not, although it was her ernest goal to recover her marriage. Just an amazing woman, IMHO.

Anyway, Kimmy. You're not alone in all this. Many have gone before you. Just don't be so hard on yourself and gain back control of you.

God bless you and many prayers.

Lv,
Jo

<small>[ November 27, 2002, 02:43 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

Kimmy -- I haven't been posting much, but I have followed your story. I am also in plan B and find it much easier to find calm in myself when I really stick to it and don't see or speak to WH (we've had little to no contact, but that's because we don't have children).

I really feel for your situation. The things your WS is saying and that you are hearing from your mutual friend are common statements by WS in their anger and blame stage. Some WS stay in that stage; some move forward.

You are human and you reacted to the cruelty of your WS. Don't beat yourself up over what you did. It doesn't make you a bad person.

Is there any way that you can get a 3rd party to help you be an intermediary in dealing with your WH and your children. Can you make a situtaion for yourself where you don't have to see WH at all during the exchanges/visitations?

While your WH is angry and blaming, it will do nothing but hurt you to see him and speak to him. I know you already know this, but I wanted you to know that we've all gone through some form of this behavior.

In some ways it does make it easier to detach. When my WH acts like his head is up his rump, it's hard for me to imagine this was the man I loved for 14 years.

I will be praying for peace for you and your children.

Kimmy,I am so sorry about this turn of events. I hope and pray that your husband's cruelty does not extend to having the mother of his children thrown in jail in addition to the other things he has done. I can't imagine the despair you must feel tonight. Please come back as soon as possible and tell us how it went.

Kimmy, I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I don't blame you one bit for losing it with your H. What you are enduring is intolerable.

I do think you should get a lawyer for your own protection. And you do need to push for that separation agreement. Research shows that the longer a guy is out of the house, the worse the wife does financially. He wants out, why should he resist nailing down the legal details?

And do look into anti depressants. My therapist, like yours, wanted me to feel the emotions. Well I felt them, so intensely I eventually, after several months, fell into a major depression. I was really incapacitated, and it took me months to get functional again. You want to stave that off. A good anti D doesn't affect you in any way. You don't feel drugged or like you're on something. You just find yourself crying less, hurting less, feeling more optimistic. I really think you could probably use the "chemical support" considering the traumatic situation you are going through. It doesn't mean you're not strong.

Yes, Kimmy.....

Get on Anti-deps. I hated doing it too. I was kicking and screaming all the way to the doc's. But I had to do it because the depression was too much. I was SOOOOOOO glad I finally did.

I was afarid to take them thinking I would be doped up or something silly like that, and come to find out, all they did was make things easier to cope with. I was able to get thru the day without thinking such negative thoughts ALL THE TIME. I was able to think clearly too, and to get some things done for a change. Just regular every day stuff. I was so afraid to take anything synthetic, being somewhat of a naturalist that I am, but thank the Dear Lord I did FINALLY. I could kick myself for not doing it sooner.

I highly recommend taking whatever the doctor prescribes. It's a strong act to ask for help and taking anti-deps is a sign of courage and intelligence. You need assistance in managing your emotions right now ... please look into, Hon.

We're here for you when you need us.

Lv,
Jo

Kimmy,.

How are you doing?

L.

OhmiGod, I hope she is ok. This is worrisome.

Hi, I'm here. I am blessed by all your notes of concern.

My friend who is the policeman came with me to the station last night to wait for me. I was so grateful for that. I was at the police station from 7:00-9:20 p.m. They told me immediately I was under arrest for assault. I was put in a room with nothing in it but a chair and desk and locked in. A female police officer came in and took my belt, my shoes, my keys, and went through my purse and my coat. She frisked me, feeling for weapons.

Over the course of the two hours, I was explained what my rights were and asked if I wanted to make a statement. They said based on my husband's evidence they had arrested me. I would have to appear in court, and my case would go to trial.

They were extremely nice to me, and almost apologetic towards me, and I could tell they wished they didn't have to do this. But, the assault laws in Canada are very strict and they treat everyone the same if a complaint is made whether you are some drunken, knife wielding lunatic or just someone like me.

The asked me if I wanted to tell my side of the story and my friend had already told me that if I was charged I was to say no, so that's what I said.

They explained about the paperwork and the process and I have to go to court on December 19 and enter my plea, and therefore I need to retain a lawyer. I will then be given a trial date for some time next year. At my trial my husband will be there with his lawyer and the police officer will present his evidence to the judge.

I have conditions that are very strict ..no direct or indirect contact with my husband, no going near his work or his home and I am only allowed indirect contact re the reason of child visitation or childcare scheduling. If I do not show up for any court date, or I break any condition they will take my children away from me. My H might think this means he will get them, but in actual fact they will be put into foster care.

They advised me that usually they hold people like me overnight but because I'd been so cooperative and they were certain I wasn't of harm to anyone they were going to allow me to leave, once I'd spoken to their legal counsel.

While all this is going on, in the room on one side of me there was some drunken lunatic screaming and yelling, and in the room on the other side of me there was another lunatic drugged out of his skull who kept throwing the chair against the wall while waiting for the officer to interview him. Then there's me in the middle. Just a little 100 pound, 5'1" woman who unfortunately lost her cool when her husband finally put her over the edge by saying he was going to go after her children.

I have to go next week and get finger printed and photographed.

Children's Aid is allowed if they so desire to come and investigate me to see if I'm a fit mother.

I can't even go to my son's hockey games as my H is a coach and even if he says he won't go my friend the cop said that he could potentially 'force' me to break my conditions by showing up and therefore I see him, and then he can tell the cops I went to see him.

It's very complicated and horrible and for someone who hasn't even had a parking ticket in her life, a very surreal experience. But, I managed to keep calm and not cry once as I knew it was out of my hands and although I had hit my husband I know the truth of what's been going on and how he's been treating me.

I broke down once we left the police station, but that was okay. My friend told me I have to be very, very careful and I will. Tonight my H came to get the kids and I made sure I hurried them out and locked the door behind them as I can't allow him to see me..I can't take a chance..they will take my kids.

I had to go to my boss this morning and ask for time off for the court date and the finger printing date. She was extremely understanding and sympathetic but unfortunately she has to report to the big boss that I have an assault charge against me, and she in turn has to report it to the 'head honcho'. I've been there 2 months and they both have offices on my floor. How embarrassing. They apparently can't fire me over this but it's just awful to live through.

My kids slept with me last night. They are devastated and now in addition to already being messed up emotionally from Daddy leaving, now they have to live with the knowledge that Daddy had Mommy arrested.

The criminal lawyer will cost alot of money, which I don't have. My sister is lending me the money. My H, apparently is represented free as he was the 'victim' and therefore doesn't have to retain his own lawyer.

After work today I went to my lawyer to start separation proceedings. I will then look for a criminal lawyer to talk to, determine my plea, and represent me at trial. Both these lawyers will end up costing thousands.

I don't think my H realizes the implications of what he's done, and apparently this could take up to a year to finish the process, and I may have to go to family custody court now re our children.

My friend the cop said that for them to charge me immediately, and put these limitations on me, my H must have done a number on me..he's very upset about it.

My H apparently phoned our mutual friend the night of and said he never wanted me charged..he just wanted them to come and give me a warning. Right.

The process has started. It is out of everyone's hands..my H cannot withdraw it if he wants to.

After the separation agreement and kid custody, and this trial is over..probably by next fall..I will be divorcing him.

I do not regret my marriage. Those 15 years with my H were the happiest of my life. I am so sad this has happened. But, I cannot fathom the thought of reconciling with him now..ever. Up to then, yes, of course. But doing this to me, especially when I know they would have explained everything to him before he filed, shows me that this man has gone that extra step..there's no going back.

He has now alienated himself from any friends he had left. Everyone is shocked and disgusted beyond belief.

I will soon go to my doctor and get anti-depressants. Right now I feel okay but I know my emotional system has shut down to cope. At some point it will break open.

6 months ago I was so happy and looking forward to my future with my H and family.

Kimmy,

I know you are just devastated and I am so sorry. And I know its not just the assault charge, but the fact that he could do that on top of everything else. Bless your heart.

Oh my gosh, Kimmy. This is just too much to believe. I have to contain myself regarding your H and my feelings towards him, .... what a flippin coward he is. I'm sorry, but he is. Disrespectful judgment? YES .... it is, I'm just so very shocked he'd do this to the mother of his children.

I hope you are okay, Kimmy. We are here for you to post when you need to vent.

Jo

<small>[ November 28, 2002, 10:13 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

Kimmy,

I am horrified at what your H did. We all know hitting is wrong, but your H expertly pushed your buttons in a time of great pain for you. Assuming you did no great harm, no lasting damage, I can not believe he would report you to the police. He is jeopardizing your freedom, your job, the emotional stability of your kids, all for a little payback, so he can feel he "won". Win what? So you have less money for the children?

I am glad you are getting a lawyer. Protect yourself. Your H has shown you who you are dealing with. I hope the lawyer can help you. In the meantime, document everything. Keep a journal. Reconstruct if you have to. And document your involvement in your children's lives, in case he tries to use this to gain custody.

Well, in effect, your H is forcing a Plan B. So I hope he enjoys it.

At least his behavior makes it easy not to want him back. I hope it will help you accept the divorce.

Prayers and best wishes coming your way....

Kimmy,

I know all the MB stuff and the politically correct stuff and the legal stuff concerning this situation but man...I would love to get a few licks in against this guy myself. What an A NUMBER ONE JERK!!! The mother of his children...he has the mother of his children arrested? I am so angry on your behalf. He has really lost it. And ofcourse I will sound old fashioned and sexist probably because on most issues I am. But what sort of pansy man goes running to the police station when they take a slap from their 100lb distraught wife? I mean he threatened you as a mother...he threatened your children...maybe not in so many words but he did. The threat is real. I am so sorry you are going through this. I rarely get this worked up but I am crying about this. It truly sickens me This boy neeeds drug out to the back forty and left for dead because the way he is acting now he is only a source of destruction to the world around him....Sorry to be so hostile but what sort of creature has the mother of their children arrested when it is absolutely clear that she is of NO THREAT TO HIM. If anything he is the one who is the threat. The man you loved and married has been replaced by a souless, cold malformation of humanity. I am so sorry you have to suffer this. Only God can redeem him now...plan A/plan B are not enough for this piece of work. Free yourself of this imposter as soon as possible...mourn the death of the man you married because he no longer exists in the shell that is left. Even if there is a sliver of him left at this point without God...he hasnt the strength to overpower the monster that now invades his being. It is horribly sad and you are truly TOO GOOD FOR THIS. Do whatever it takes to remain sane and move towards happiness. You deserve it. We are here for you and anything we can do to assist you we will.

Extra prayers Kimmy.

ayslyne