Hi

Okay odd question for me to ask right. Being that Im a WS and all. I should know right. Well Nope.

There are so many reasons why but I would like everyone (BS and WS) to tell me WHY people cheat. Don't tell me what MB says about why people cheat, or any book says. Please tell me what YOU personally think as to why people cheat.

Please. Just your honest, gut feeling thoughts on why people cheat. Don't take it off MB, Books or anything. JUST YOUR OWN PERSONAL thoughts...

Thanks,
Zoey
*A former WS*
In Recovery

My first answer to this question would be:
Selfcenteredness

May think on it and revise it later.

Because they can.

Because when opportunity knocks, it dawns on them how easy it is to fool a spouse who genuinely trusts you and doesn't ask questions.

Because they convince themselves that their case is different and special and THEY aren't cheating. They're just "co-workers spending time together," or they're "taking an extension of the workday," or they're "attending a TeamBuilding (spit) event," or they're "traveling on business together," or they're "supporting a colleague."

Because it's enormously flattering, tremendously ego-boosting, and positively addicting to have both a jealous, worried spouse *and* an attractive OP begging for their attention.

Because even if they do get caught, they learn that they can lie and bully and bullsh*t their way out of any consequences.

Because they can.

Because...

One day they decide that all their morals, all their hopes and all their dreams for a good life, all their integrity... doesn't matter as much as being noticed, loved, by that special someone who isn't their spouse.

And so a momentum begins, and a spark becomes a flame, and that flame becomes a fire.

And then it consumes everything, destroying all that it touches.

Because they get to a place where IT doesn't really matter anymore... they are so hurting... so dead inside that when someone comes along that says the right words and they start to feel that tingle of life again... THAT becomes their hope and what they look forward to...

...most of the time they are so HIDING from their current relationship that they THINK they are shouting when in fact they are mute... they are so inside themselves that the familiar can't reach them... only something NEW...

...their current life seems so filled w/ pain and the NEW person helps alleviate that pain... the dream of a new life seems the EASIEST way to go... ESCAPE... ESCAPE... ESCAPE...

Cali

Because they are weak, self-centered, and have no moral values.

Wow...why did that feel good to say?????

I really don't know. Maybe because they are trusted way too much, and sometimes you let them bite off more than needed and so they just keep wanting more.

They think the grass is greener? but little do they know it is only astro-turf.sp?

They don't know the true meaning of commitment.
They think a lie isn't a lie, if you don't tell.
They are possessed by uncontrolled demons.???

They have everything they have ever wanted in the world, except inner happyness so they search somewhere else.

They have the need to be the center of attention at all costs...

These are just things that go through my mind.

<small>[ December 17, 2002, 11:49 PM: Message edited by: M T B ]</small>

'Cause they could !. They think that they could get away with it.

-rh-

hmmm...something I have pondered many times. I think there are many reasons--here's a few of my thoughts--

Because they can--pure selfishness. I think a lot of WSs think that noone will ever know anyway, and basically, think that what the bs doesn't know won't hurt him/her. They just don't realize how much pain it causes (for themselves too) and how many lives it disrupts.

Because something is missing in their marriage--whether it be companionship, a fulfilling sex life, that "new lust infatuation" feeling that I think so many people confuse with real, deep love. I know in my case, h felt like we didn't talk like we used to, so he turned to a friend/co-worker and it led to A.

The relationship/marriage has reached the "comfortable" level. Some people fell that at this stage, the R is boring, or the spark is gone. Pretty much goes back to that new lust infatuation thing.

Low self esteem or mlc. OP makes WS feel like they've "still got it". WS may feel he/she was taken for granted, not appreciated by bs, and OP makes him/her feel wanted attractive, and appreciated. And I'm assuming it's a pretty big ego boost for WS--when someone wants you so much they're willing to share you and settle for a part-time relationship.

Gettin tired--brain stalled.
These are just a few of my theories--I know there are plenty more.

Thanks Everyone,
I posted this in Recovey too and I got just what I wanted in both places. Everyone's TRUE feelings on why people cheat. I sincerely appreciate you sharing your thoughts with me outside of what MB or the books tell you.

Michael_A in recovery hit home for me on why I did.

Cali you also said something

Because they get to a place where IT doesn't really matter anymore... they are so hurting... so dead inside that when someone comes along that says the right words and they start to feel that tingle of life again... THAT becomes their hope and what they look forward to...

My hole I was in was so dark that when that person came along, I was so desperate for a tiny ray of light that I took it when it came. I was so lost emotionally and mentally I lost all sense of right and wrong. I was dead basically. The day my husband found out SAVED my life. It was bad.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. Keep them coming.

Zoey

IMMHO,

Because they have their head up their a**!! At least that's how I feel about my W's A. She had everything....... The biggest problem was that she also had a need for Companionship but I didn't see it because I worked (2) jobs to give her everything. Then along came and [censored]**** that told her she was beautiful and sexy (which I was telling her also) but, that didn't matter.

Basically she thought it would be easy to get away with it but her guilt got her caught and now that same guilt has her stalled...........

Sorry for venting some but when recovery stalls because of guilt it really sucks. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I am in poasition to generalize the reasons for all, but based on my own experience of being a WS in our relationship, I will place the reasons in the following priority:-

1. Insensitive and dishonest by nature.
2. Uncommitted.
3. Extremely selfish.
4. Misplaced confidence that it will remain hidden for ever.
5. Convincing that what is not known will not hurt the Spouse.
6. Looking for new excitement and ignoring the established relationship.

I could go on, but these are the prime factors in my case.

Someone catches the eye.. things aren't so wonderful at home...you are feeling a little better about yourself than about your spouse.. and that your needs aren't being met, and that you deserve a little happiness... etc etc.

It is a real bummer....

Instant gratification, answer to problems, compliments.. finding happiness in others, etc.

Alcoholic or drug induced situation.

YOu don't face reality with an A, fantasy world.. no real world issues ...

hugs and luck to you , H

Cali and Zoey,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Because they get to a place where IT doesn't really matter anymore... they are so hurting... so dead inside that when someone comes along that says the right words and they start to feel that tingle of life again... THAT becomes their hope and what they look forward to...

My hole I was in was so dark that when that person came along, I was so desperate for a tiny ray of light that I took it when it came. I was so lost emotionally and mentally I lost all sense of right and wrong. I was dead basically. The day my husband found out SAVED my life. It was bad.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I third that!

I'm sure some of you have read my threads. I was very close to taking my own life. I pleaded with my partner to help, but he didn't know how. I turned to someone else because I felt that he validated me as a person. I was so lost and blind.

That darkness is a very bad place to find yourself in.

It's nice to hear that others walked the same path that I did and did recover. I'm working VERY hard to get there.

Thanks for the post idea.

As a formew wayward partner and ow I 4th what Cali said.

But I also think cheating is about

- trust issues
- addiction
- opportunity
- lack of gratitude
- loss of self esteem
- anger

Mostly though I think it's about anger and opportunity.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Katie Scarlett:
Mostly though I think it's about anger and opportunity.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree ... and add fear to the list.

I don't know the reasons in general. I'm not sure there are general reasons. For me it started with anger about the rejection in my situation, then it became a habit or obsession. Eventually I just compartmentalized my life so I could live with myself.

I broke my life into two parts and lived that way for a long time. I still live that way a little since I struggle with putting the parts together again.

I never hated my wife or even wanted to leave. I just wanted to build a life that included everything I wanted. I guess that is childish but I was childish when I got married.

I hope this provides some insight to my particular situation. I'm not sure this applies to other people.

Jack

I also agree with the most of the posters about reaching a place mentally where IT happens, and also I agree with the anger part so much, especially unspoken anger, where one lets it build and build and in doing that they make an opportunity present itself where they can justify an A, an also lash out at the BS. It's like a 2 edged sword that can do so much damage to the one weilding it and to BS. I am the BS, but I know my WS was angry at me for what he felt was HIS FAILURES. He blamed me for everything that he chose to do or not do, so the anger and resentment grew inside of him and voila, here comes an "innocent" into his realm of thinking that can save him from the psuedo-tortured prison he has made for himself, and thus save him from the one who put him there (in his mind me). But as we all know, time and the truth does surface in this type of thinking. He sees WS as needing saving as he is desperately trying to save himself, so in their minds they are the oppressed souls that were brought together. And to think, all this is happening in their minds know matter how logical, and sane they appear. Now granted all issues and situations are different, but main ingredients are still present, (anger, ego, depression, self-esteem issues, emotional pain, lonliness, lack of happiness within self, etc.) Seems constant that people who have affairs, always seem to have to validate themselves from outside of their own bodies, or via someone else that they give more credence to then in believing it in themselves. Sorry so long and babblesome!!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> GRRRRRR <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I want to 5th 6th and 7th what Cali Said!

the triggers in this post are making me see RED!!

how about because their spouse is so selfish and selfcentered that the screaming that the WS did about how things were going were simply silenced because it was The WS's problem and they should figure out how to live with it after all things were just fine or only moderatly uncomfortable for them!!!

for the record if your spouse has bought 24 how to fix your marriage books and is repeatedly asking you to go the marriage counseling the appropriate response isnt "thats the way it is deal with it"

I guess if you look at A's as a completely seperate component from the Marriage you can easily dismiss any of your own actions as contributing to the dispare the WS feels but then again that would make one feel better about whats happened wouldnt it.

of course my standard disclaimer: if you are married to a jerk or a slut who just cant keep it in their pants then none of this really apply's now does it. just remember who picked em.

Chaz,

I would guess that I fall into the slut category according to you but I was/am still dealing with alot of pain and the cheating helped me deal with that. Not the best way to deal with it but I was unable to express my problems to my wife in a way the made things better.

I don't think I'm any worse than the other cheaters just because I had alot of casual sex instead of one or two deep relationships.

Jack