Lexxxy, you have no justification for an A. not you, not any other WS. Got it? If you were that unhappy then why not divorce then go screw around? Or is it that all WS's want their cake and eat it too? Give the BS a chance to find happiness as well without having to cheat also. No EXCuse is good enough to be unfaithful. One either works on the problem within the marriage or get out! WS's choose their paths. So if they get flack afterward, they earned it in my opinion. Usually they want somebody to whine on and say it's ok you did this. But not me. The damage done to the BS is way beyond belief. A very selfish, selfcentered thing for WS to do. If they can't keep their pants, panties on when not with spouse, then get the hell out I say. Becasue the BS had to do without sex a lot while staying faithful. In most cases and even if not, which I didn't, I prefer to know whose body I'm sharing. That is everyones right. Seems the WS's always think the other person is so clean and nice. HA> Well, a few BS have had to deal with STD's because of the WS lying and carelessness. Now you know why many WS's get bashed? They earned it by inflicting enormous pain and damage on an uninformed person. Isn't it all about consent? It is with me and I have a right to decide if I want my body shared with someone else and all their partners! WE HAVE RIGHTS. We aren not the property of WS's to damage and maim. We are human beings, with feelings, pain and rights too. If the Ws wants to cheat, stand up and quit lying, deceiving and sneaking around. Take your lumps and be up front so you can pay the price instead of the BS. GRRRRRRR thanks for allowing me to vent. I know I speak for many here. LouLou

This is for me a very interesting thread and you have all given some very interesting insights.One of the oldest lines in the book is "my wife doesnt understand me "

I CAN SEE FROM YOUR POSTS THAT THE WIVES UNDERSTAND ONLY TOO WELL.

Reasons from my experience are:-

1.The cultural environment ie. the commercialization of sex which trivialises the whole experience.
As my ow wrote to me it JUST a LITTLE something extra.Also the fact that infidelity is treated as a joke. she had printed off a very laboured and unfunny joke about Jesse Jackson's infidelity to give to my h.
The womens movement which says if it feels nice do it and confuses taking freedom with taking liberties.
2 POWER it is about winners and losers. To my mind once you start to play these games you immediately become a loser.

3 PERFECTION the search for aperfect situation which does not exist .

4 ANGER towards the s who is less than perfect and to the world for not placing the ws at its centre

5.ESCAPE from all responsibility.

AMEN to LadyLou & H20

Why Do People CHEAT. Your personal thoughts please.

A WS shares their personal thoughts. Then they are jumped on and told, that's NOT a reason, that's NOT justifiable. How do you know? Right or wrong it is THEIR reason for doing so, irregardless of whether or not you think it's a good reason. The WS made a choice, their choice. Today that WS may not feel the same way. The fact is, is that it happened and nothing is going to change the past. Affairs are secretive for a reason. So although it would be nice if the WS would get out of the marriage first, THIS is just not going to happen. That's what makes it an affair.

Try to learn from it and be open without condeming the ones who have enough guts to post and share what they were feeling. Try to remember that it is THEIR feelings they are sharing. Just because you don't agree or like what they are saying doesn't mean that they didn't feel that way.

Unfortunately, affairs are going to be around for ever and ever. Yes affairs are wrong but that doesn't mean they are not going to happen.

Although, I don't agree with affairs I CAN understand why they happen. I have learned.

Patient1: Because someone posted asking why BS's were always knocking the WS's? Could that be why so many vent? Could that be why we find the WS's excuses lame? Duh! You bet. A WS will find any excuse that comes along to cheat. Fact!
Doesn't even have to be a legitimate complaint because they'll make one up, create one, stir up an argument or anything that can be done to then say, "Oh YOu made me do this"! Are they legitimate feelings? Sure they are just like us BS's have feelings too. The day I hear a legitimate excuse for an A, it will be when someone shows me a picture of a gun being held to their head. That one I might buy. Maybe!And if the WS thought about meeting the BS's EN"s as much as they think of their own and the OP's, then it might not happen to begin with. You suppose? The excuses WS's use are usually lies about the BS. Ask some of the other WS's and they'll tell you they lied up one side and down the other to get in bed with the OP. Made their S look like crap.My H even told the OW that I was a stay at home mom and had never worked. LOL Gee, somebody should have told me that before I put in 34 yrs on jobs. Wish they had! somebody should have told me before I spent 7 days a week working years ago in Real Estate, while going to college to get my brokers and taking care of a young son. he made me look like an idiot who couldn't exist outside the 4 walls. And a mentally challeged person. Oh boy, Did she ever fall for a bunch of crap. I guess I made him unhappy by asking for love making more than once every two months or so. I was starving for love while he abused me emotionally and verbally. yep, I should have had the A. but I'm better than that! I have a savior to answer to. And he comes first! LouLou

Lou-Lou-

You are the best! I love ya! Your insights are REAL.

No Ws's are not sub-human. We love our WS's we understand the extreme human-ness of it all. We even understand something else...Our needs were far from being met and we didn't stray. Its amazing how WS's think they have "still got it" and we don't "got it" anymore.

Makes you want to put their therory to the test doesn't. LOL

It's been interesting reading this thread, thanks for starting it.

I was the WS, but now of course I'm full of remorse and am painfully full of deepest regrets for the pain I inflicted on so many, but mainly my husband (now ex) and children.

Worthatry said the main reason for cheating was selfishness, and the need that was behind that person's selfishness was individual--but still selfishness. (I'm paraphrasing, I hope I've got it right!)

I agree 100%. Selfishness, and total disregard for the pain you're causing is why people cheat.

I was saying, by having an affair-- "My experience(romantic, emotional, and physical) with this OM is more important than the damage I'm doing to you or our children. I simply have to have this experience. " Very, very selfish!!! Was it worth it? NO NO NO, .

Is it easy to live with the knowledge you've so royally been such a rotten human being? NO, it's not at all easy to live with. It's very dismal at times, to say the very least. But you know what? I thank God that at some point I realized my huge MISTAKE, and ended it with the OM-- and that I didn't further subject my children to more misery with this person in our lives. I repented, and God truly does forgive. I still pray someday my now exH will somehow find it in his heart to forgive me. But,he doesn't at this point --he knows how extremely selfish I truly was, and I'm sure that's been a frightful realization for him, too. I really don't know how exH feels, as he won't even hardly speak with me. Maybe in time he will tell me more about his feelings, as I've wanted him to do. You can't blame anyone for protecting themselves, after this sort of wound.

I think this thread is helpful to all of us, and I don't mind at all if people feel the need to VENT about us WS's. You're entitled to feel that way.

God Bless,
H_P

REVENGE!!!!!!

Zoey,
i think people cheat b/c they are not happy with there mate they are with. Or they cheat b/c in there mind they feel if they do they are getting that person back for what ever reason being. but actually they are hurting them selves. Cathy

rlyhurtin, thank you and I agree with your statemnt also. They think they have it and we've lost it. Nothing could be further from the truth!
Hopeful_person, it really is purely selfish of the WS. But I do want to say thank you to those WS's who do post. You also give us insight from the other perspective and it's appreciated. I'm sure it takes a lot of courage to do so here.
Robbed, sometimes it is revenge. But anytime we lower ourselves to have a get even A, we simply come out of it feeling worse about ourselves I'd think. Two wrongs won't make a right. Though I thought of it, I couln't do it.
Cathy, unless you H gets help, he will never change. So you will always have a lying deceiver on your hands. No fault of yours! I'm sure you've tried to be the best wife you could. Some just never appreciate what they have. Never satisfied. So my only thought is unless he goes for counselinf and honestly wants to change and admits his problem, Move on while you're still young enough to make a new life. Don't waste another 10 yrs, then 20 then feel it's too late to make changes. It's all about what you are willing to accept now, right now in the present. So while asking him to get help, prepare yourself to be self sufficient. Take classes, get better job, and that in itself will make you feel better and have more confidence. I feel so many of us become Co-Dependent and we have to change us!
LouLou

good evening zoey...

i've been trying to read this thread since you stared it... sometimes i'm reluctant/afraid to read threads like this because i have trouble not feeling that all of the responses are directed at me... sort of if the shoe fits, wear it, if you know what i mean...

i can't answer for anyone else, just for me... why did i cheat?...

i didn't think/believe/feel that my husband loved me...

i had lost all hope...

there was no light at the end of the tunnel... had not been for many years... suddenly there was... unfortunately the light i thought i saw was actually a train...

i did not/do not love myself...

oaktown...

<small>[ December 31, 2002, 09:21 PM: Message edited by: oaktown ]</small>

Zoey,

I wish I knew why.

<small>[ January 02, 2003, 10:18 AM: Message edited by: wanting ]</small>